My 31 year old sister died yesterday and the police found her body today.  She took her own life.  I don't know the details because I don't want to hear them.  She left notes but I don't want to read them.  I still can't believe it, my whole family is numb.  She was the youngest of 4 children.  She was one of my closest friends in addition to being my sister.  She was my maid of honor.  I have a 10 month old baby and she won't even be here for his 1st birthday.  The dumbest things i'm thinking of right now that remind me of her, she was just at my house the other day.  I can't believe she's gone.  My poor parents.  I don't know how to live normally now.  Am I supposed to feel so numb?  I can't believe this is happening.  It's like a nightmare that we can't wake up from.  She's tried 3 other times and this 4th & final time it happened.  I always worried about her, that she would do it again.  Sometimes I resented her secretly because I was always afraid she would kill herself.  Now she has & I just can't process it.  I thank God for my family, especially my husband and my baby.  I hope she's at peace now but she has left this family no peace.  In a way I hope I'm numb to this forever.     

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Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your losses as well and thank you for sharing your stories with me.  I am so sorry about your daughters Avis & Karen.  Karen, how sad that you lost both a grandchild and a daughter.  Thank you for your hug and love Margo, I am truly grateful for all of your support.  I am so sorry that you had to be the one who found your daughter, Avis.  I can't imagine being the one to find her and am so glad that none of us witnessed the scene. I am so thankful for the police being the ones who did that for us.  Thank you also for your email address.  Mine is lainie127@yahoo.com just so you know. 

 

All the services are set up now, usually I am the one in the family to organize everything but not this time, everything is being done without me & I am so grateful for that right now. Food just keeps appearing at our house, people continue to call, text & email their condolensces.  I am exhausted, mentally, physically & emotionally.  I will spend tomorrow preparing for the wake which is Friday, but right now, I'm going to go to sleep, finally.  I've gotten about a total of about 4 hrs in the last two days and that's including the hour I slept last night.  I was nervous because I couldn't get a hold of my sister on Monday night and on Tuesday morning her body was found.  My husband got me some tylenol pm because I need some help falling asleep.  I thought about drinking wine but I'm afraid it will turn into the whole bottle & there's no need for that =).  I have great support all around me and am seriously glad that you ladies are sharing your experiences with me.  Isn't it funny that sometimes it feels easier to express yourself to strangers?  But, I don't think of all of you as strangers anymore.  Thank you so very much.  Good night. 

 

Love,

Elaine

Elaine...God be with you.   There are still nites that I don't sleep well.  And when I watch TV and there is a hanging involved (I love CSI, etc)  my heart skips a beat.  All I wanted from the police was that she didn't suffer very long.  they did assure me that it was only moments.  Thanks be to God for that.  The police report said that her cell phone was on the floor and had apparently been dropped as it was sprung open.  all the more reason to believe that she did not act alone in this.  But the police will not reopen the investigation.  Marlene left no note which makes it more difficult for us.  But even if there is one, it is still very difficult to wonder "if only"...But as was explained to me by my pastor is that if they are so determined nothing we could do would stop them.  All we may have done was postpone it.  That has been very difficult for me to accept.  After all she is my "little girl" and I have ever wanted to protect her but at 43 there wasn't much I could do.....After Friday you will begin to heal...As I have expressed to others....we all heal but also that scab gets sratch off and the wound begins to bleed again.  The we have to allow it to heal over again.  So far it has been 7 months for me and that wound has been torn open several times.  But it does get less and less.  It really does, which you probably find it difficult to believe right at the moment.  My heart and mind will be with you and your family Friday.  Be strong and put your faith in the Lord.   He will help you through all of this.  Peace....



Elaine Tierney said:

Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your losses as well and thank you for sharing your stories with me.  I am so sorry about your daughters Avis & Karen.  Karen, how sad that you lost both a grandchild and a daughter.  Thank you for your hug and love Margo, I am truly grateful for all of your support.  I am so sorry that you had to be the one who found your daughter, Avis.  I can't imagine being the one to find her and am so glad that none of us witnessed the scene. I am so thankful for the police being the ones who did that for us.  Thank you also for your email address.  Mine is lainie127@yahoo.com just so you know. 

 

All the services are set up now, usually I am the one in the family to organize everything but not this time, everything is being done without me & I am so grateful for that right now. Food just keeps appearing at our house, people continue to call, text & email their condolensces.  I am exhausted, mentally, physically & emotionally.  I will spend tomorrow preparing for the wake which is Friday, but right now, I'm going to go to sleep, finally.  I've gotten about a total of about 4 hrs in the last two days and that's including the hour I slept last night.  I was nervous because I couldn't get a hold of my sister on Monday night and on Tuesday morning her body was found.  My husband got me some tylenol pm because I need some help falling asleep.  I thought about drinking wine but I'm afraid it will turn into the whole bottle & there's no need for that =).  I have great support all around me and am seriously glad that you ladies are sharing your experiences with me.  Isn't it funny that sometimes it feels easier to express yourself to strangers?  But, I don't think of all of you as strangers anymore.  Thank you so very much.  Good night. 

 

Love,

Elaine

The numbness is a blessing.  It buffers you from the full impact all at once.  Unfortunately, it doesn't last.  But the grief will ebb and flo, giving moments of respite and relief.  And over time, it usually becomes easier to bear.  I'm so very sorry this has happened to you and your family.  My children and I are still recovering from my son's death in May.  We experienced his first birthday not here 3 weeks ago.  I'm always thankful for the days my loss doesn't feel as intense.  Take care and be gentle with yourself.
Elaine, Karen, Avis and Theresa,

You are all very beautiful souls! I am so touched by your words and expressions of concern. You have all been called to bear a cross in your lives that no one should ever have to bear.

I recognize that your hearts are very genuine. I hope one day I will have the opportunity to meet each of you. Do you mind men asking where each of you live? I live in Honolulu. Maybe one day you can all come here:). I often think I would like to establish a retreat for suicide survivors here because of the
beauty of the islands. Because my life has been affected by numerous suicides and many, many losses in just the last few years, I relate to everything you are all going through. I became a suicide/ crisis counselor years ago so my heart is truly in this work. Following an attempted suicide by a classmate of my daughter, and my daughter's friends little brother's suicide both about 6 weeks ago and another murder/suicide connected to my sister's friend about 5 weeks ago, my heart was broken for everyone concerned so I started to plead with Heavenly Father to give me some insight for my movie that would make a difference in people's lives. Within 15 Min. God gave me an image of a rainbow and impressed upon me that the colors could represent emotions we all experience. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow represented the rewards for a life well lived and blessings we receive when we endure to the end.
I truly pray and mourn with each of you. Elaine, may God give you the strength to endure the difficult days ahead. Remember, you are loved by a God, He knows you intimately and knows your heartache. Rely on His tender mercies to sustain you and comfort you. May you be embraced in His loving arms.

Blessings,

Margo


I am working on a script for an animated movie and have a top executive in a 3D animation studio in Shanghai that will consider producing it. I tell you this because if it makes money I will do something to bless the lives of each of you and many otherswho have suffered so much from the a loss of a loved one due to suicide.

Theresa, I am sorry that you lost your son.  I will take great comfort in all of your support, it's nice to talk to people who truly do know how this nightmare feels.  I wish my Mom used the computer more often because she is absolutely struggling right now.  Margo, I live in Evergreen Park, IL which is a suburb just outside of Chicago.  My sisters obituary is in the Chicago Tribune today.  Her last name was Russell which is my maiden name.  I would love to visit Hawaii someday, that would be amazing.  Thank you for all the prayers & comfort all of you are sending my & my family's way.  We will surely need it in the next 2 days.  Hope all of you are having good days.     

I do hope your dreams come true. You genuinly seem to care and want to help others. I have always dreamed of visiting Hawaii. My desk top photo slideshow is chocked full of waterfalls, most of which are in Hawaii.

I live in central NY around the Fingerlakes area. We also have some gorgeous waterfalls. There is something I find very soothing when I look at them. The rich greens of the flora and the rushing water is something that soothes my soul like no other sight!!

Good luck on your film, I may be 52, but I still love animated films. Please keep in touch and let me know if you fullfill your dream!!
Margo powell said:

Elaine, Karen, Avis and Theresa,

You are all very beautiful souls! I am so touched by your words and expressions of concern. You have all been called to bear a cross in your lives that no one should ever have to bear.

I recognize that your hearts are very genuine. I hope one day I will have the opportunity to meet each of you. Do you mind men asking where each of you live? I live in Honolulu. Maybe one day you can all come here:). I often think I would like to establish a retreat for suicide survivors here because of the
beauty of the islands. Because my life has been affected by numerous suicides and many, many losses in just the last few years, I relate to everything you are all going through. I became a suicide/ crisis counselor years ago so my heart is truly in this work. Following an attempted suicide by a classmate of my daughter, and my daughter's friends little brother's suicide both about 6 weeks ago and another murder/suicide connected to my sister's friend about 5 weeks ago, my heart was broken for everyone concerned so I started to plead with Heavenly Father to give me some insight for my movie that would make a difference in people's lives. Within 15 Min. God gave me an image of a rainbow and impressed upon me that the colors could represent emotions we all experience. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow represented the rewards for a life well lived and blessings we receive when we endure to the end.
I truly pray and mourn with each of you. Elaine, may God give you the strength to endure the difficult days ahead. Remember, you are loved by a God, He knows you intimately and knows your heartache. Rely on His tender mercies to sustain you and comfort you. May you be embraced in His loving arms.

Blessings,

Margo


I am working on a script for an animated movie and have a top executive in a 3D animation studio in Shanghai that will consider producing it. I tell you this because if it makes money I will do something to bless the lives of each of you and many otherswho have suffered so much from the a loss of a loved one due to suicide.
We are here for you if you need to talk!! My heart will be with you during the next few days. I hope you will feel some of the strength I will be sending your way!!

Elaine Tierney said:

Theresa, I am sorry that you lost your son.  I will take great comfort in all of your support, it's nice to talk to people who truly do know how this nightmare feels.  I wish my Mom used the computer more often because she is absolutely struggling right now.  Margo, I live in Evergreen Park, IL which is a suburb just outside of Chicago.  My sisters obituary is in the Chicago Tribune today.  Her last name was Russell which is my maiden name.  I would love to visit Hawaii someday, that would be amazing.  Thank you for all the prayers & comfort all of you are sending my & my family's way.  We will surely need it in the next 2 days.  Hope all of you are having good days.     

Elaine,

I read the beautiful comments that were written about Catie, she was obviously a beautiful woman, happy, talented and loved by many!!! How sad she didn't realize how much she truly meant to everyone
Many people mentioned her beautiful smile and that when they saw her she always had a smile on her face. She must have been a very special soul and one with zoo much potential!

Sounds as though, evil influences tormented her. I wish I had known you before this and could have helped Catie deal with that. I have had a number of encounters with evil myself and it is only because of Jesus Christ that I am still alive.

I pray the Catie has returned home to a loving Heavenly Father who will now hold her close to his heart, never to fear again!

Peace be unto you...

Margo
I understand about the love that so many people felt for our loved ones. During Marlene's funeral, I kept think, "if only she knew what a beautiful person she was". She was teacher and the little words that her students wrote about her were so heart warming. She left a beautiful impression on them. I guess it wasn't enough for her. She wanted the love of her husband which he never knew how to give. Never in the 25 years that they were together. She found that love in another man, but her devotion to her husband and her son would not let her stray or seek a divorce even when her husband kept cheating on her for all those years. I used to tell her that she deserved more and better (this was long before I knew that she had had an affair). Why do so many of the suicide people feel so unloved when in fact there was so much love out there for them? That is a question that I keep asking myself. Why couldn't Marlene see what a beautiful person she was. It makes me wonder where I failed her.
Elaine, My thoughts and prayers have been with you almost every waking moment since getting up this morning. I realize today will be one of the most difficult and yet in connecting with loved ones, one of the most significant.

I wish I could take your suffering away. Just wanted you to know, I really care and mourn your loss.

Sending you many prayers and much love,

Margo

Hello ladies, thank you for all the well wishes and care you sent to me and my family over the past few days.  Thank you for so much prayers and love Margo, you are a wonderful counselor.  In spite of not wanting to go to the wake or see my sister in a casket, it actually was a really comforting experience.  Over 500 people came to say goodbye to Catie and to support us.  It was almost overwhelming.  When I first got there I lost it and was almost hyperventilating, but then I got it together.  She looked good, not really like herself but not terrible like I was worried about.  Also, we learned that she didn't die from her injuries but had also taken several pills and ultimately ended up drowning of all things.  I'm so tired today.  I am so thankful for our family & friends, we have really felt their love and support.  Catie also had so many friends that she will miss her so much and so many people from her work came to say goodbye, it was amazing to see so many nurses and care partners there in their scrubs. 

I hope she is in heaven and at peace.  She said in her note that she doesn't believe in God or heaven b/c it's all b.s. and that she didn't want services but that if we needed them they shouldn't be anywhere near a church or have any priest or minister.  We are a catholic family, the rest of us believe in God & we didn't have her services in church or have a priest but we sure did pray.  Too bad if she doesn't like it. 

Margo, I'm not sure about evil influences, I think her brain's chemistry was out of whack.  She was a responsible & caring person in every way and none of us knew the full extent of her mental anguish.  I feel like the worst is over and we can begin healing.  I know I'm going to have hard times, we all are, but for right now I'm in an ok place again.  Thank you all for being there for me in the first days, I was such a mess and it really helped me to talk to people that had been there and who are pushing through.  It's nice to be able to sleep again and it's really nice to have an appetite again. 

Karen, I would hate to think that my mom thought she failed my sister.  You did not fail your daughter, in fact you probably helped to keep her alive for as long as she was.  I was thinking of the phrase "you can't live your life for someone else". That can be taken figuratively too.  My sister was tired of struggling.  Avis, Karen & Theresa, did your loved ones have past attempts too?  I'm so sorry for all of you too, as mothers I can only imagine that the pain is even worse for you.  I'm afraid this is going to be hardest for my mother. 

Anyway, I thought it was interesting to note to you Margo, you said that although my 10 month old son is so young, he would probably still be able to understand there was something happening, I totally believe that he did know.  He's been such a good boy over the past 5 days.  He's always a good baby but since I stay home with him he usually demands a lot of attention, especially from me.  But,  for the past 5 days he has been happy playing quietly by himself.  Usually if I left him in the living room to play by himself he would cry or reach for me to come get him if he saw me, this week he would simply look over at me, smile and continue happily playing with his toys and babbling.  He must have known something was happening.  Also, he vomited the night that my sister died, he vomited a lot for no reason that I could see and then did again in the morning.  It was very unusual and one of the reasons my husband stayed home from work and was able to go to my sisters house with my brother.  If the baby hadn't been vomiting I don't think he would have stayed home just because I was worried about my sister and it would have been terrible for my brother to go by himself. Thank God again that they didn't see her though.  Maybe the baby had a bug or something but I just thought that was a huge coincidence.  Catie loved my baby, and he loved her.  

Thanks again ladies, your support has meant so much during what I hope will be remain the worst time of my life.   Hope you're all having good days. 

 

Love,

Elaine

 

 

 

 

Hi Elaine, I am so glad to here you are begining to calm down some. You will have your bad days and good days. You are right , it will be hard on your Mom. We do tend to blame ourselves in times like this.

My daughter had never tried to kill herself before, but we did find out afterward that she and her best friend had made a suicide pact. I was so worried that she would try and join her. She felt guilty for the longest time about not doing it as well, but I convinced her that if she had expected her to join her she would have called her first.

My grandson was very close to his aunt and we would notice him talking, laughing, and smiling while looking into an empty part of the room. When asked what he was doing he would tell us he was talking to and playing with Aunt Jessie, don't you see her?? So don't be surprised if your son seems to entertained for no apparent reason. It would not surprise me at all if his getting sick had something to do with your Sister, God works in mysterious ways!!

Please give your Mom a big hug from me and tell her to hold her good memories close to her. They will help her to bare the loss. Please take good care of yourself and keep in touch!

Love Avis
Elaine Tierney said:

Hello ladies, thank you for all the well wishes and care you sent to me and my family over the past few days.  Thank you for so much prayers and love Margo, you are a wonderful counselor.  In spite of not wanting to go to the wake or see my sister in a casket, it actually was a really comforting experience.  Over 500 people came to say goodbye to Catie and to support us.  It was almost overwhelming.  When I first got there I lost it and was almost hyperventilating, but then I got it together.  She looked good, not really like herself but not terrible like I was worried about.  Also, we learned that she didn't die from her injuries but had also taken several pills and ultimately ended up drowning of all things.  I'm so tired today.  I am so thankful for our family & friends, we have really felt their love and support.  Catie also had so many friends that she will miss her so much and so many people from her work came to say goodbye, it was amazing to see so many nurses and care partners there in their scrubs. 

I hope she is in heaven and at peace.  She said in her note that she doesn't believe in God or heaven b/c it's all b.s. and that she didn't want services but that if we needed them they shouldn't be anywhere near a church or have any priest or minister.  We are a catholic family, the rest of us believe in God & we didn't have her services in church or have a priest but we sure did pray.  Too bad if she doesn't like it. 

Margo, I'm not sure about evil influences, I think her brain's chemistry was out of whack.  She was a responsible & caring person in every way and none of us knew the full extent of her mental anguish.  I feel like the worst is over and we can begin healing.  I know I'm going to have hard times, we all are, but for right now I'm in an ok place again.  Thank you all for being there for me in the first days, I was such a mess and it really helped me to talk to people that had been there and who are pushing through.  It's nice to be able to sleep again and it's really nice to have an appetite again. 

Karen, I would hate to think that my mom thought she failed my sister.  You did not fail your daughter, in fact you probably helped to keep her alive for as long as she was.  I was thinking of the phrase "you can't live your life for someone else". That can be taken figuratively too.  My sister was tired of struggling.  Avis, Karen & Theresa, did your loved ones have past attempts too?  I'm so sorry for all of you too, as mothers I can only imagine that the pain is even worse for you.  I'm afraid this is going to be hardest for my mother. 

Anyway, I thought it was interesting to note to you Margo, you said that although my 10 month old son is so young, he would probably still be able to understand there was something happening, I totally believe that he did know.  He's been such a good boy over the past 5 days.  He's always a good baby but since I stay home with him he usually demands a lot of attention, especially from me.  But,  for the past 5 days he has been happy playing quietly by himself.  Usually if I left him in the living room to play by himself he would cry or reach for me to come get him if he saw me, this week he would simply look over at me, smile and continue happily playing with his toys and babbling.  He must have known something was happening.  Also, he vomited the night that my sister died, he vomited a lot for no reason that I could see and then did again in the morning.  It was very unusual and one of the reasons my husband stayed home from work and was able to go to my sisters house with my brother.  If the baby hadn't been vomiting I don't think he would have stayed home just because I was worried about my sister and it would have been terrible for my brother to go by himself. Thank God again that they didn't see her though.  Maybe the baby had a bug or something but I just thought that was a huge coincidence.  Catie loved my baby, and he loved her.  

Thanks again ladies, your support has meant so much during what I hope will be remain the worst time of my life.   Hope you're all having good days. 

 

Love,

Elaine

 

 

 

 

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