My 31 year old sister died yesterday and the police found her body today.  She took her own life.  I don't know the details because I don't want to hear them.  She left notes but I don't want to read them.  I still can't believe it, my whole family is numb.  She was the youngest of 4 children.  She was one of my closest friends in addition to being my sister.  She was my maid of honor.  I have a 10 month old baby and she won't even be here for his 1st birthday.  The dumbest things i'm thinking of right now that remind me of her, she was just at my house the other day.  I can't believe she's gone.  My poor parents.  I don't know how to live normally now.  Am I supposed to feel so numb?  I can't believe this is happening.  It's like a nightmare that we can't wake up from.  She's tried 3 other times and this 4th & final time it happened.  I always worried about her, that she would do it again.  Sometimes I resented her secretly because I was always afraid she would kill herself.  Now she has & I just can't process it.  I thank God for my family, especially my husband and my baby.  I hope she's at peace now but she has left this family no peace.  In a way I hope I'm numb to this forever.     

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Hi Elaine,

In your last posting, I was happy to sense the strength you are gaining.

What a great testimony to the many, many people whose lives Catie touched with the huge number that turned out for Her funeral.

How is Mike doing? I hope He is not blaming himself. How are your other siblings doing?

This will take such a toll on your parents, they will probably age over night. Make sure they get out often so they keep a healthy perspective. Winter can be hard when you feel somewhat isolated.

I take it the picture you posted is of Catie, she's lovely. Yes, we hope she is at peace, in Heaven.

I will continue praying for all of you as you travel this new path in your lives.

Keep loving and healing will occur easier.

God Bless!!!! Margo

Hi Elaine,

As a mom, I do blame myself a lot.  It's likely that your mom will, also.  But just encourage her that every mom does go through the blame phase, and with time, and wise input from others, it will subside.  Regarding your other concern about heaven, my son believed in God as a child, but he went away from that belief as an adult.  However, I receive much comfort and encouragement from others who remind me that Charles had a mental disorder (brain disease, if you will) that altered his reality.  They remind me that God is just and merciful, and that Charles was not in his right mind, as his illness progressed and ultimately caused him to take his life.  I'm not aware of him having made prior attempts, but I do recognize now some increasingly risk-taking behaviors over the past several years.

Theresa

i lost my son to sucide 2,he left us all hurting,but that was the only way out he could see..it hurts me cause i always ask why did u leave me??the anser i get is i was in so much pain to stay.my heart goes out to u.if u need to talk i am here.

Hello ladies, hope everyone is doing well.  I wanted to thank you all again for your support.  I can't believe it will be two weeks this Tuesday.  I don't think the pain will ever go away, I'm just going to have to learn to live with it.  I'm sorry about your son Rosemary, I think your right, my sister was in too much pain to stay too.  Has anyone ever come away from a suicide unscathed?  I doubt it.  I feel it would have been easier had it been an accident or cancer.  I hope it gets easier & that I don't think about it all the time.  I wish it wasn't real but since it is I almost wish I could just forget it. Prayers to all of you.  

Hi Elaine, I am afraid it does take time to heal from a suicide of a close loved one. Even after 12 yrs. there are moments that still knock me for a loop. I do know what you mean about an accidental or natural death being easier to cope with. There is a lot less guilt involved, and hopelessness. I had a colleague at work who lost a son during a sports training session at school 4 months after my daughters suicide, he was even the same age. She was more concerned about how I would react than about herself. She was afraid it would make me break down again (which it did). My other daughter still has off and on problems associated with her sisters death and suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome for at least a couple of years. The school was very understanding toward her though.

Your parents will take it the hardest. We just aren't prepared to have a child die before us...especially by their own hand. You must all draw strength from each other, and always talk about what is on your minds. It is important not to bury your emotions. Eventually it will be the good memories that will help you heal!! Take care, and write anytime you need to talk, you can even send me a message to my reg. email at meemawilson@yahoo.com anytime!! Good wishes to you and your family. Take care of yourself!!

So very sorry for the loss of your sister.Whatever feelings you have on a given day, are valid for you. THere is no easy was down this road of grief.

I am a long time survivor of my mother's suicide. It takes a long time , but eventually  you will make it!

If you go to asfp.com, you can find listings for every state , for a support group for suicide loss survivors.

There you can be with other survivors, all in different stages of their grief. It is so comforting to be able to talk to others who really understand your grief. Please consider it. Thanks, Cozette.

 

I am truly sorry for your loss. With a suicide, if a person attempts and they do that often enough they succeed. My son committed suicide three years ago, he had never attempted, he was impulsive, a typical labeled ADHD kid. So, for him alcohol was the biggest factor, no drugs, live in girlfriend was kicking him out and his birthday was the next day!! I know in my heart why Ryan did what he did, I guess the question is how can you destroy your family who loved you so very much. Was he really thinking about us, no, he was thinking about his pain!! You can feel comfort, you will in time, that your sister is finally at peace, her spirit is at rest and hopefully she is in a beautiful place.  With time, you will miss her, but the pain won't be so darn strong!! You will never get over it, past it, or whatever well meaning folks try to say. Your sister was a part of you, your family and that will always be there. You are blessed to have a man that loves you and a little one that needs you that occupies your time, less time on thinking!! It will get better in time!!


Trish Wyatt said:
I am truly sorry for your loss. With a suicide, if a person attempts and they do that often enough they succeed. My son committed suicide three years ago, he had never attempted, he was impulsive, a typical labeled ADHD kid. So, for him alcohol was the biggest factor, no drugs, live in girlfriend was kicking him out and his birthday was the next day!! I know in my heart why Ryan did what he did, I guess the question is how can you destroy your family who loved you so very much. Was he really thinking about us, no, he was thinking about his pain!! You can feel comfort, you will in time, that your sister is finally at peace, her spirit is at rest and hopefully she is in a beautiful place.  With time, you will miss her, but the pain won't be so darn strong!! You will never get over it, past it, or whatever well meaning folks try to say. Your sister was a part of you, your family and that will always be there. You are blessed to have a man that loves you and a little one that needs you that occupies your time, less time on thinking!! It will get better in time!!
Trish.  Your words are beautiful and say it all so well.  It is a little more than 8 months since my Marlene took her own life.  I too know in my heart why she did it, but my heart also wants to have been able to help her past that part of her life.  She had just lost too much in the past two years, her only child, her husband, her beautiful home, and her will to carry on.  I thought her teaching job would help her get through it all, as she was so loved by all of her students, and co workers and her great church family.  But I guess it just wasn't enough for her to keep going.  It just hurts so much though.  I believe I will have to contend with the pain for as long as I am on this earth until I am able to see her again. Today is not a really bad day, just a sad day.  It is my mom's birthday and she has been gone for 24 years.  I hope she and Marlene are playing checkers or dominos like they used to do.   And I can guarantee Robert is teaching his great grandma how to play poker!! 

Trish, you do say it so well.  It really gives me hope that with time the pain will lessen.  I too know why Catie did this and I feel like because she attempted so many times we shouldn't really be suprised that she succeeded this time, but it is still is a shock to all of us!   Karen, your daughter sounded like a wonderful woman, I hope you have more good days than bad.  Trish, I feel like my sister was impulsive too, and a bit immature, once she had it in her head, that was it and there was no stopping her.  She couldn't face having to tell people she was no longer engaged and blamed the failure of the relationship solely (and wrongfully) on herself.  She blamed everything on herself.  I am so lucky to have my husband and baby & I feel like our family is being really strong in getting through this.  You're right, just having the baby to care for has made it impossible for me to curl up in bed and sleep all day.  Also, he makes us all laugh with his cute baby ways!  I hope Catie is at peace, finally.  I hope all of our loved ones are now.  But, I also hope they know how much we miss them being here with us.  Stay strong ladies, and thanks for being an inspiration to me.  It helps me to get through it just by knowing that other people have carried on through their own tragedies.  Also Karen, I think it's really a great image of your daughter, mother, and grandson being together in heaven.  How cute & funny thinking of him teaching his great grandma to play poker! 

 

Elaine    

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