After my parent's deaths, I thought grief was no longer a stranger to me. Since my brother took his own life in April of this year, I feel I have to some how deal with his suicide before I can start to "grieve". It's like, I have his suicide in one had and his death in the other.  Has anyone else felt this?  (sorry, I originally sent this out accidently via an email to all)

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Dear Joyce, My heart goes out to you and my prayers. I lost my mother in August of 2009 and our only son, Michael, in December 2009. Though time is coming to the two year marks for both, it feels like only a day ago. I think I understand how you are feeling. I did not have time to grieve for my mother because of having to take care of my father and other family. Then, when Michael took his life, my world stopped. I believe I will carry grief with me every day for the rest of my life. And I guess I feel Michael is worth it, so if this is what I need to do - continue to find life in grief - then I will do it. I try to re-engage, but it is hard still. I have had a great counseler and a close friend - both who have experienced suicide, to walk with me in this difficult journey. I encourage you to find someone to council with; someone who understands. Not every counseler is good in this area, so keep trying.

 I believe there is no greater pain than the loss of our loved one through suicide. I've spent the last year and a half learning about depression and the mediciations used to help the depressed person. Everyday I try to understand what happened to my son. I believe there is no pat answer to an irrational act. I believe that a person who takes their life is not in their right mind - at all.

I have gained great comfort from the writings of Ron Rolheiser (ronrolheiser.com). He writes an article each year on suicide. Someone pressed one of his articles into my hand within days after Michael's death and it was my lifeline for a long time.

Be gentle with yourself. You won't be the same; ever. You will keep going. Find all the good things that help you. As Peggy tells me... put your face to the sun. I will hold you - as I do all those who post here - in thoughts and prayers.

Carla

I am very sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my brother in 2009 and i think about him everyday and i couldnt imagine my life without him. This is a rough path but so many of us are survivors. I learned it is not time that make the wounds better but it the people you surround urself with. I recommend you surround  urself with great caring people who you feel comfortable. I tried counseling but the guy was reading striaght out of a book n didn't have an idea of how much pain i was in so i believe this is a great step your taking is to reach out to people who are in pain too.  Cherish ur brother memories and continue to love
I know exactly what you mean.  My brother took his life in September 2007 and I still am having trouble coming to terms with it.  It's like you're dealing with a double dose of grief, plus your friends really don't know what to say to you.  I think if my brother had been hit by a bus or had died from a major illness, I would have been able to grieve and move on, but at times I feel really stuck.  Suicide also carries a second bonus package, at least for me--anger.  I love my brother and I'm sad for him that he made this choice, and I'm also incredibly angry at him too.  At times when I'm alone, I've held a pillow over my face and screamed and cried my lungs out into the pillow.  The method of suicide can also add grief and anguish.  I can't say that I have any answers.  I think some people do well with going to grief groups, but it's not something that I want to do.  Time does help.  I feel that I can't go back to the person I was, but am trying to slowly move forward to a more positive place.  Don't feel that you need to recover within some timeline--you need to give yourself time.  Some days, you'll feel like you're moving ahead, and other days you'll feel like you're slipping back.  Take care of your basic health needs, and don't be afraid to ask your doctor for medication if you feel it might help--it has been very helpful for me in taking the edge off, especially during the early days of grief and shock.  God bless, Joyce--know that there are others who understand and care.

Right on, Donna.  I meant to say something about treatment and medication too, but overlooked it.  And, BTW, my dear, you do too attend a support group!  Ours ;) 


Donna L said:

I know exactly what you mean.  My brother took his life in September 2007 and I still am having trouble coming to terms with it.  It's like you're dealing with a double dose of grief, plus your friends really don't know what to say to you.  I think if my brother had been hit by a bus or had died from a major illness, I would have been able to grieve and move on, but at times I feel really stuck.  Suicide also carries a second bonus package, at least for me--anger.  I love my brother and I'm sad for him that he made this choice, and I'm also incredibly angry at him too.  At times when I'm alone, I've held a pillow over my face and screamed and cried my lungs out into the pillow.  The method of suicide can also add grief and anguish.  I can't say that I have any answers.  I think some people do well with going to grief groups, but it's not something that I want to do.  Time does help.  I feel that I can't go back to the person I was, but am trying to slowly move forward to a more positive place.  Don't feel that you need to recover within some timeline--you need to give yourself time.  Some days, you'll feel like you're moving ahead, and other days you'll feel like you're slipping back.  Take care of your basic health needs, and don't be afraid to ask your doctor for medication if you feel it might help--it has been very helpful for me in taking the edge off, especially during the early days of grief and shock.  God bless, Joyce--know that there are others who understand and care.
Thanks, Theresa--I don't post very often.  And to you Theresa, Joyce, Karla and Larry, I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I know at times, it can threaten to overwhelm.  Know that there are still good things ahead of you in your life--

Theresa Sweaney said:

Right on, Donna.  I meant to say something about treatment and medication too, but overlooked it.  And, BTW, my dear, you do too attend a support group!  Ours ;) 


Donna L said:

I know exactly what you mean.  My brother took his life in September 2007 and I still am having trouble coming to terms with it.  It's like you're dealing with a double dose of grief, plus your friends really don't know what to say to you.  I think if my brother had been hit by a bus or had died from a major illness, I would have been able to grieve and move on, but at times I feel really stuck.  Suicide also carries a second bonus package, at least for me--anger.  I love my brother and I'm sad for him that he made this choice, and I'm also incredibly angry at him too.  At times when I'm alone, I've held a pillow over my face and screamed and cried my lungs out into the pillow.  The method of suicide can also add grief and anguish.  I can't say that I have any answers.  I think some people do well with going to grief groups, but it's not something that I want to do.  Time does help.  I feel that I can't go back to the person I was, but am trying to slowly move forward to a more positive place.  Don't feel that you need to recover within some timeline--you need to give yourself time.  Some days, you'll feel like you're moving ahead, and other days you'll feel like you're slipping back.  Take care of your basic health needs, and don't be afraid to ask your doctor for medication if you feel it might help--it has been very helpful for me in taking the edge off, especially during the early days of grief and shock.  God bless, Joyce--know that there are others who understand and care.
I want to thank all of you for replying. It was quite emotional reading all your replies. I don't think I've made a mistake in joining this site. My heart aches for everyone of you and the torment that you wake up to every day. I hope some day I will be able to pass on such heart felt words that I have received from all of you.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I'm racing inside.  I feel edgy and it's as if I want to explode! I'm not sure if this is one particular emotion or many different ones all rolled into one big ball!

I saw a beautiful puffy cloud last evening, and for some reason, instantly thought of David. There is no association for me between clouds and David. I just saw this great thing and felt he should be here, he should be experiencing this!!

I have found myself hoping and praying that David is not agonizing over what he has done. I hope that all people who have died have no recollection of what happened to end their lives.  For me to think otherwise makes me feel like I could go crazy!!

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