I joined this discussion forum in the beginning because I wanted to 'connect' with people.  I'm sad to say that anyone who has every contacted me or vise versa it has never ended in a conversation.  How can I heal when the people or ANYONE I'm struggling to reach for doesn't come?! I don't have a big support system; I can count my family members on less than two hands... This loneliness and wanting for a closeness with someone who understands me has never ever subsided and 2.5 years later doesn't make a difference.  I still miss my brother, I still regret not being there like I could of, I still think of him all the time and just wish I could talk to him again, even for 5 minutes! Just to hold him and give him a kiss and reassure him that he's a great person.  Merry Christmas and a happy new year to another I have to struggle through... I always thought he'd be there and he isn't.  And there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that now.

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And once again... thanks for the views with absolutely no insight or advice.  I guess I am channeling my anger elsewhere but oh well... feels better than being mad at someone who doesn't exist anymore.

Kat, I know what you are going through is very hard!! I lost my daughter Jessica on 8/9/99 at the age of 15. Her sister was devastated for a couple of years. If I lived near you I would gladly talk directly to you and hold you in my arms!!! Remember he is and always will be in your heart. I talk to Jessica all the time and truely feel she hears me and is always nearby!! Talk to him as though he were standing right in front of you, it helps believe or not. If you would like to talk personally to me, friend me on Facebook under Avis Wilson, Moravia, NY. We can chat privately anytime you want sweetie!!!

 

Thank you so much for giving your time to even reply to me... I have seriously poured my heart out on this website and never gotten any response.  I'm sorry about your daughter; I have a child now, a girl that's 3 months old and I worry all the time that my own problems will end up being her problems.  Of course, like any parent, I want her to have the perfect life, but I think all the time of what could happen when she gets older and gets a taste of the world.  I am almost preparing myself to loose her for some reason... I guess most of people I'm ever close to screw me over or leave... I just dont want that to happen to her.

Hi Kat,

I wrote you a comment but seem to have lost it. My iPad does some unexpected things. I know there are many good people on this site. Most are struggling with their own losses and may not realize you are seeking guidance from them. I believe if you ask specific question of them and how they have learned to cope with their losses they will be happy to share any insight they have.

Suicide of a loved one is so devastating that it leaves the survivor reeling. Don't allow anger to fill your heart. Seek to find peace so that some sort of understanding can then enter.

Wishing you a new sense of hope and joy for the new year. You are a beautiful girl if this is your picture shown with your entries, try to live as your brother would want you to. You can honor his life by helping others that are also suffering.

God Bless You, Margo
Avis, I have read many of your entries and just want to say, I believe you have the heart of an angel.
Blessings to you as you reach out to others. May your new year be one of renewed hope. Love, Margo

Dearest Kat,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your ongoing pain and loneliness.  When I read the entries of others here, it feels like a recovery support group I attend locally, where we are not technically supposed to give advice unless it is asked for, but we each share from our own experiences and unique perspectives.  I too have not been given a lot of personal feedback, but the way I have found works for this particular forum is when someone writes something that I connect with in a strong way, I go to that person's page and write a personal note to them, for either advice, or to friend-connect with them for a potentially greater ongoing connection. 

It sounds like your brother may have been one of your closest friendships, and that his absence has undermined a great many things in your life, leaving you with both the need for some strong relationships to reaffirm living to you, as well as a lessened ability to form those life-giving relationships you so desperately need at this time.  I myself experienced this same need, and I found that one source was just not enough for me, so I went searching for more as well.  I found some through Facebook searches, and some through Yahoo! Groups* and some locally.

As Avis suggested, this may not be the best forum for the type of feedback you are seeking.  I also invite you to contact me through Facebook, and I would love to connect with you, Kat.  Incidentally, I have a grandbaby girl named Kat too!

Sincerely,

Theresa Sweaney

*Here is one Yahoo! Group I located for my daughter after the loss of her brother that you too may be interested in connecting with:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/suicidesiblings/

(We lost my son Charles 8 mos. ago.)

My surviving daughter's name is Catrina Hope and many people call her Cat and others call her Trina. Jessica and Jessica's friends called her Trina Trues, lol. As far as your daughter goes, try to just love her and believe your brother(her uncle) will watch out for her so that she will not make his mistakes.

My grandson used to talk and laugh while looking into the empty corner of his room when he was about 2 and a half yrs. old, and upto about the age of 5. Jessica adored him and always played with him. If you asked him what he was doing or who he was talking to he would tell you he was playing with Aunt Jessie!

I know you feel alone, especially at the holidays. It still gets to me too. There are no wrong or right ways to get over the grief. You will learn to live with it in your own time. Having people to talk to who have also dealt with suicide does help. Suicide is so different from any other kind of loss because it leaves us with such a sense of guilt and devastation! You must believe though that nothing you or I could have done would have stopped our loved ones from committing suicide. They find a time and means no matter how many times they are stopped!! We need to understand that they now know, however late, that we loved them with all our hearts, and have been left with a hole in our hearts. Fill that hole with all the good memories you can remember, and hold on to them forever!!!

Write to me as often as you need to OK!!
 kat said:

Thank you so much for giving your time to even reply to me... I have seriously poured my heart out on this website and never gotten any response.  I'm sorry about your daughter; I have a child now, a girl that's 3 months old and I worry all the time that my own problems will end up being her problems.  Of course, like any parent, I want her to have the perfect life, but I think all the time of what could happen when she gets older and gets a taste of the world.  I am almost preparing myself to loose her for some reason... I guess most of people I'm ever close to screw me over or leave... I just dont want that to happen to her.

Kat,

As one who has been trained as a suicide/crisis counselor, My best advice to you would be to
1) Fill your mind with beautiful, healthy thoughts. This takes some work because of the pain that is so real and often excruciating.
2) Keep a journal, write your feelings down even if it's anger that you are feeling. End every entry on a positive note, something encouraging and hopeful. Write to your brother as if he were just away for a time. We will all be reunited after this life. Life is short, eternity is forever!
3) Set goals, you must go on living with real purpose.
4)Probably the most important is to seek God and ask him to bear your burdens and grief. This may seem elusive at first but if you sincerely seek God, He will make His presence known to you.
5) Love and serve others. There are so many needs in the world and when you lose yourself in the service of others you will ultimately find yourself along with a renewed sense of joy and purpose.

The younger brother of my daughter's classmate recently took his life. The older brother decided to leave school and go build houses in impoverished areas of Guatamala. By all accounts he's doing quite well.

We all want the searing pain to go away when a loved one is lost but only time and an exerted effort to heal healthily will ultimately bring the understanding and peace you desire. Be gentle with yourself and others.

I wish you well!
Margo

I like that, Margo, what you wrote.

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