Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Vicki on November 27, 2010 at 11:11am

sharon, one thing you must realize,is when someone takes their own life,they have some underlying mental,depression,and other problems.my husband shot himself in the head oct 27 0f this year,and he did this 2 days after i left,him,i still struggle with guilt,and sadness,but i do know it,always is because of deep seeded sadness,and depression.alot of times they don't even show many signs of having a problem.God has really been a comfort to me,i hope i have helped you,feel free to respond to my message.....sincerely vicki

Permalink Reply by Barbara A. on November 28, 2010 at 3:23pm

Dear Sharon, I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes you are normal. Being confused & the lost feeling, yes it is all normal, you are in grief. The fog is very thick at times. I don't know if you have faith or believe in a higher power, but that is what has helped me these last 4 years. You / we always want to blame - someone or something. In your case the other mom that you blame. She is blaming herself enough. She is not to blame. She could not of stopped it. The police could not of stopped it - maybe for that day. But I just found out if they want to do it they will. Again I'm so sorry. I need to go now, Please take care of yourself, Barb

Permalink Reply by Kathy Long on November 30, 2010 at 2:45pm

I am so sorry for your loss. October 5 is my 39 year old son's birthday. I'm not sure the way you are feeling is normal. I would probably attack her if she knew he was going to do something and she couldn't call you or 911? You didn't say how old Bobby was. There should be some kind of a crime for that, too. That woman definitely should have gotten a hold of someone so he could be stopped. My brother hung himself in April. I have a 27 year old son that was cutting his wrist and taking al kinds of pills ( around the same time in April) because of an argument with a girl. Right now he is sitting (alive) in Gander Hill. He was on probation for an unrelated incident and I called his p o. My son is due to come home the end of February and I will not apologize or feel guilty for calling on him. If I didn't call someone and he didn't wake up the next morning I would never forgive myself. I went thru nursing and he was taking some pretty deadly mixtures. How is that woman feeling knowing your son was reaching out to her and she did nothing? I think my whole family is bi-polar. I really can't give you any good advice. I am divorced and my three children, & granddaughter are my life. I will pray for you and ask GOD to help you get thru this until you can see Bobby again.

Permalink Reply by Carla on November 30, 2010 at 9:56pm

Sharon - I am so sorry for you and your family. I know. I, too, lost my son, Michael. It will be 1 year on Dec 13th. It feels like yesterday. My heart is breaking for you. I know the pain, the inability to sleep, or breath , or stop crying. I know I only take one day at a time. I know only the prayers, love, and support from others has seen me, and our family through this. I know my faith - once so strong - is so fragile now. Michael also did not leave a note or gave any warning. Michael, too, reached out to the wrong people for help and they let him down.

So I - as you - are left with "what happened" and "why". And I know we will not have those answers. I have a very good grief counselor who has been a god-send to me. Find someone like that for yourself. This site has helped very much. I found articles by Ron Rolheiser on the web. He writes an article on suicide every year. Those artilces have given me hope and gotten me through some horrendous hours of darkenss.

We are going through a rough time now because of the holidays and because of the anniversary of his death coming up so soon. I feel lost again, and the saddness is overwhelming at times.

Somehow we go on, all of us who post here. Somehow, I believe there will be good from such sorrow, and that God will restore our loved ones to us again - this time whole and healed from the pain and dispair that crushed them here. I don't know how - I just have to believe. I pray God holds you very close at this time.
carla

Permalink Reply by Chris Moore on December 6, 2010 at 3:43pm

I'm sorry to hear about your son. My brother committed suicide while talking to his girlfriend on the phone. She heard everything and ran to the house. I blamed her for a very long time, then I had to start getting myself together and had to realize that it was his decision, not hers. I went through the blaming stages for a while. I even blamed myself because at the time my phone was disconnected and he couldn't call me. Unfortunately, our loved ones can really hide their pain if they want to. Please pray and also try to get some counseling. Talkiing to someone else about your pain does help. Take care and you can write me anytime.

Permalink Reply by Katerina Roussou on January 6, 2011 at 1:26am

Dear Sharon,

My name is Catherine. My son took his life three years ago. He was 37. My husband found him. It has been a very difficult journey through the wilderness of grief for all our family. We grieve because we loved him and we still do. Your experience is very similar to mine, and what you are is very normal. It will get easier as time goes on.

I do not have great words of wisdom but I can share what helped us. 

Each person grieves differently. I had to accept that. Sometimes this creates friction for those left behind because we expect the others to comfort us, but they cannot because they are grieving too. What helped me are the following.

1. Accepting God's unconditional love for me and my son.

2. I designated a certain day and time for grieving, for example Saturday afternoon. When I became overwhelmed with grief, I would tell myself, "not now.. On Saturday...".

3. I keep a journal and I write all my dreams about my son, poems to him, letters of love and how much I miss him and so on..

4. When the pain of grief comes like a big wave over me, seeking to drown me, I immediately think of what I have left. I choose to think of my 13 year old grandson and how wonderful and loving he is and what a great future he will have. That gives me hope.

5. In my son's memory I have chosen to visit people with mental health issues and comfort them and encourage them. I also give what I can to charities in his name. This is the hidden gift that grief has given me. I am more patient, compassionate and loving toward the hurting.

6. I learned to take care of myself, forgive myself for not saving my son, and accept that it was his choice and it is in the past. Deciding to do the best I can with what I have left in his memory honors him and I don't feel he died in vain.

I pray that my experience may help you and your family in some way. I am sorry for your pain, remember you are not alone and you are loved.

Permalink Reply by Shari Soklow on February 13, 2011 at 10:15pm

You have a friend in me and if your name is Sharon, so is mine! But I prefer Shari

I am here for you! I also just lost my Beloved Son on 12-28-10.

It's horrible with no note! I'm sure he did not mean to hurt you!

Have you checked out my website?

Permalink Reply by LuLu on February 14, 2011 at 10:56am

Sharon - sorry it has taken me a while to respond - I am trying to get better - but realize my life will never be the same. My daughter has a son who is 15 - his father won't let me see him. That child use dto adore me as I do him - his father says it would be too depressing for him (they live in another state) - so I will have to wait to see if he wants to re-connect when he is older.  YOu are correct - the pain never goes away - you see something on TV, you hear a song on the radio, you see an item in the store - memories are everywhere. I am taking one day at a time right now - each day I wake up and say look, I lived thru the night - another day - but I have read so many posts here and just hope that I get the the point where I live with a constant dull pain of longing, instead of the debilitating loss I suffer each day....We will get by because we have no choice - I have 2 other children and 3 grandchildren.

Sharon Maddox said:

Thank you Lulu,
The pain never goes away, does it? The other night the TV showed a man shooting himself in the head flashed on the screen-I thought I was going to lose it. My husband could not touch me, there was no help for me at that moment. That picture is still imprinted in my mind. How do we go on living? My son's exgirlfriend wont let me see my Grandson. I have a lawyer and this is a slow process. What if he turns out like his Dad, I'm so scared that he is going to die too. The only family I have left are my 2 daughters and 4 Grandchildren (1 I cant see). My son called his best friends mom 3 times and she never came to him. Because I wrote that comment on FB -the world thinks im crazy. I just stated the facts. If she would have came to him he would still be here. If I sound angry -I am. He has only came to me in a dream to tell me it was possessed or disturbed (I cant remember)for the reason he died. Maybe it was both.
I'm sorry about your daughter. What are we supposed to be doing? I feel guilty if I laugh, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I have to work and Lord knows I wish I had money enough to stay home. I am just so sick that my Son did this to me and his kids. I have nothing of his, because his friends mom took everything, she tried to take my identity, by signing to identify his body. She got away with that. She put in the newspaper that she was his mom and they printed it in the obits. That woman has taken my son from me and she gets to see my grandson anytime she wants. Why am I being punished and called crazy? I dont go around claiming to be some other childs mom. Why didn't she perrish? Why my son?? Why, he was a wonderful person, she is evil.




LuLu said:

Sharon - I am so sorry for you and know what you are going through. My daughter committed suicide on March 22nd - and still I have not had a single day that I haven't cried anywhere from one hour to 8 hours...I have never felt pain like this in my entire life - I love her so much as you do your son. I can only say that I am still here and with the help from others on this site, I am trying to understand that she was in pain and thought this was the only way. I am medicated by my doctor and have never been one to do that sort of thing - but was sitting at my desk crying all day and could not function. At least, I can get through most of the day now - my daughter called her boyfriend for help - and when he didn't show up, I guess she decided there was no reason to go on. We all love her so much - but that was not her thought at that one moment in time - she wanted his help and it wasn't given. At least now I am trying to know that I will see her again some day and she will help me cross when my time is done - I look forward to that. You are completely normal - DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE IT THRU THE DAY - I used to text my daughter all the time - and I still do that - it goes to the blue nowhere but it is like I am filling her in on my day - I sleep with one of her shirts and spray it with her perfume - I have her pillow that she last laid on...and I don't think any of this is crazy - I will always love her and do what it takes to help me cope. You must do the same .

Permalink Reply by Melissa on February 14, 2011 at 5:07pm

Sharon, it is very normal to feel like you are living upside down in all that you do.  After a year and a half since my S.O. took his life, I still have those days.  Fortunately, my boss and the people I work with have been very understanding and there have been no threats of reprisal for the days when I just don't function well.  Don't blame the friend's mother, the ultimate responsibility for this lies with your son.  That woman is likely tortured by the fact that she didn't do anything.  The problem is, what do you do?  You can't force someone who is desperately depressed to get help, they have to reach out for it on their own.  In my situation, I was the last one to talk with my love and feel like I should have known when he was so groggy that something was wrong.  But I have to remind myself that he had been working long hours and was under enormous pressure.  (He was living a long ways away because of his job.)  I simply thought I had awakened him from a deep sleep.  I told him to call me when he was up and running and that was the last time I talked with him.  Several hours later, when I hadn't heard from him I began to worry and started calling his kids, who were just a few hours away.  They didn't answer their phones or check their voice mail or we might have had a chance of intervening.  I even called the local authorities but they couldn't do anything except a perimeter check because we were not married or otherwise blood kin.  It was a full day before his daughter called me and she, in turn, called the police and they found him.  Whatever the situation, if a person is bent on taking their life they will find a way and, to our great agony, we are left to try to put the devastation of our lives back together.  I rail against it every day, but am determined to put one foot in front of the other and do my best to live though there are days when I want to join him sooner as opposed to later.  But I know the pain of the loss and just can't do that to my family and friends so I'm stuck trying to find my way through the fog and the pain the best way I can.  Yes, your situation is normal.  Reach out for professional care, if you can.  I don't know where you live, but most large communities have a suicide survivor's group of some kind or other.  I find great comfort in being with others who understand the confusion and pain.  Find a group if there's one available.  Each of us has to negotiate this terrible path in our own way.  I know for me, part of what helps is to just be patient with myself, make sure I'm getting plenty of rest, and staying busy without overdoing it.  It's just not easy, no matter what and I think to a large degree we'll carry the pain of the loss for the rest of our lives.  Just know that there are others out here who understand your confusion and pain, and we will be thinking of you!

Permalink Reply by Shari Soklow on March 11, 2011 at 10:48am

Dear Sharon,

 

I would like to reach out to you in friendship as I too have lost my son.

 

Shari

Permalink Reply by Shari Soklow on March 15, 2011 at 2:34am

My Dear New Friends,

 

What we all have to live with is beyond unbearable, this must be the real meaning of the word Hell!

My beloved son Professor Howard Eugene Langer was so loved by all his students, he taught at

California State University Northridge. He was suffering with a horrific mental illness and yet was

highly functional and intelligent but the hopelessness of his situation got the better of him.

I will live with the deepest guilt and remorse a loving mother could possibly have. I didn't do enough to save him! I go through the motions of living but I died that day as well!

Shari

Permalink Reply by eileen ferguson on March 15, 2011 at 8:53pm

Dearest Sharon,  I am so sorry,  so sorry,  believe me, I do feel your pain.  ITs been a little while now since I lost my Son.  Its taken me a long time to get to where I am today.  I had to go thru the greving process as they call it, and I see, today it was a "process" because the initial hurt I felt then, soon, with time began to heal itself and go away.  I stillgrieve, in many ways, a song, a saying, a jesture, something will make me remember so well, my Son.  and knowing he is no longer here, I face the fact, and move along, but My heart is longing for my Son.  I will never get over that,  I dont think anyone will.  I had to accept my greving progess.  I began doing things, little by little that made me smile, something simple, a movie, out to eat at a fast food restaurant where theres plenty people moving about.  I began keeping myself busy, at home, out, and all until at bedtime, i slept like a log. no getting up after two, three hours sleep.  I slept good.  I made myself eat, daily. coffee was my favorite. seemed to dry up the tears, saddness.  I had my coffee daily. smile.  and each day got easier and easier.  I spoke of him a little less.  someone else would have to bring him up.  and knowing what i was going thru my immediate friends, family wouldnt so that helped also.  Listen, dont condemm yourself Sharon.  Many of us Love you, We understand.  Go ahead cry, its not illegal,  accept it. say  This is the way I am, This is the way I feel. ill be alright.  and before you know it.  you will. the day is coming,  IT came for me, and many of us that attent this site, it will come for you.  I promis.  Respectfully  Lena

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