Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Franklin Cook on November 6, 2011 at 6:51am

Patty: I am sorry about what happened to your friend. It is understandable that you are in shock, for losing someone a person cares about to suicide is so tragic and painful that the reality of it can hit her as if she has been struck by a blow. As you say, suicide is very confusing. It feels to me like I've spent bottomless hours trying to "figure out" what happened to my Dad (who died by suicide long ago). Over the years, I have come to understand a great deal that has been very helpful to me (such as, that my Dad's depression overwhelmed him in a way that caused such excruciating mental-emotional pain -- psychache -- that he felt as if he either had to endure that pain forever, without relief, or die; so he chose death). Still, "knowing" what the cause of his suicide was -- even though it helped me a great deal -- was just one piece of the puzzle I have tried to put together in order to learn to cope with losing him that way. I hope you will take very good care of yourself during this difficult time -- and reach out to others for help when you need to. Although I am sorry for the reason you had to come to this forum, I am glad that you are here, for interacting with others who have lost a loved one to suicide can help a person along the way.

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on November 14, 2011 at 10:08pm

Yes, Patti, I agree, we need to be able to talk about our loved ones, and tell our story, and be heard.  And know that we are not the only one feeling so devastated, so confused, etc.

Franklin, I think I've been coming to that same understanding about the "psychache" you referred to (a new word for me!).  An understanding that helps undergird the pain we learn to bear.

I still get caught up in magical thinking, wondering why God didn't deliver him from his torment, apart from such a final solution.

I'm also now in a depressed state, and one of extreme anger toward myself.  I find myself saying 'I hate you' to myself for what has happened and that I was so obtuse as to not recognize the glaring signs of depression and suicidal ideation.

Permalink Reply by Margo powell on November 22, 2011 at 1:21am

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted for a few weeks but our lives have just been rocked again by another suicide. Last week my daughters friend from kindergarten hung himself. He was 21 years old. Two months ago it was a 15 year old brother of my daughter's friend that shot himself and then a murder/suicide of 2 young men over a young lady. What is happening! I just want to SCREAM, STOP IT!!! WHY! WHY! WHY???? What is it that is affecting the young people that they feel their lives don't matter or the world would be better off without them. Each of these losses have tragically affected hundreds of people. My heart breaks for each and everyone of them and their family and friends. I want so badly to turn the tide on this horrible trend. What can be done??? It seems to be an epidemic.
I think about writing a book but I also think maybe a program for schools might be what is needed. Are any of you aware of school programs that are being incorporated in the any school ciriculum?
I'll be interested to know what you all think. God Bless you all in your healing process. I read your posts and appreciate your support for each other. Aloha, Margo

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on November 28, 2011 at 4:26am

Lizzie, my heart breaks at all the terrible losses you have suffered.  And they came on you all at once it seems.  That is a lot to cope with.  My thoughts and prayers are with you today.  I hope you have some system in place in your life so that you are not alone.  Of course you have us, but you know what I mean.  Theresa

Lizzie Ross said:

I am so sorry for people who suffer loss from suicide.  I am one of you.  My daughter and only child committed suicide Sep 17, 2010.  During the summer of 2011, I lost my 2 best friend of over 40 yrs to cancer and stroke.  They were the only friends I had who knew my daughter so I could talk about her to them.  Oct 3, 2011, my brother died.  My husband had been ill through the year and I took care of him.  He died Oct 17, 2011.  I have email friends in other states that call but in my house I am surrounded by memories and loneliness.  I am starting to clear my husband's things and he had a lot.  One entire room was for his things and most are in German.  I do not know Geerman.  I still have not finished all my daughter's belongings since she had her own home.  Every time I tried, my grief overcame me and I had to stop.  I don't go out because I don't want to see people and the holidays are torture.  I cannot go on like this and God doesn't give more than you can handle is a joke. 

Permalink Reply by Carol Shilhavy Dallmann on November 30, 2011 at 8:15am

Suicide is ALWAYS a shock as it can NEVER be changed.  My son covered years of hurt, pain and depression with anger.  He WAS in anger management therapy, which was NOT the answer he needed.  He did manage to hide so much from ALL of us, family and friends alike, making it such a shock.  His strong personality would never suggest he would cash it all in under any circumstances.  But then again who ever really knows what we want to hide?  He HAD talked about selling all his possessions, and just taking off and disappearing from the area.  Since he did "disappear" for a weekend every so often - I did worry.  But since he was 40 years old, as mom, I really didn't feel I had the right to quiz him as I would if he were still a child.  BIG MISTAKE!    After his passing, I found paperwork from his employer approving a 90 day leave of absence for "mental health" right next to the stack of paperwork from "sucicide hotlines".  The HELP was there, but he did NOT want or accept the help.  That "last morning" he was making plans with close friends for the following weekend.  Those friends who were expecting a visit from him that next weekend -- they were at his funeral service in total shock.  No one "saw it coming."  Tom left a video good bye which clearly shows he certainly "was NOT himself." He was so broken, so convinced he could no longer deal with the profound sadness, hurts and disappointments in life - as he was also convinced it was a "weakness thus making him a failure."  I found several "journals" where he poured out all his pain, all the pain he had been dealing with for the past 20 years since his dad was killed in 1991.  Many of the "entries" just filled in the blanks with information that he never shared with me.   I must also add that he and I had a much closer relationship beyond being mother and son.  We deer hunted together for the past 18 years - when we both were "single" we went to country western concerts - we went out to shoot pool, darts - so it was much more then a mother and son relationship.  He would call me and say, "I need a Tom/Carol talk today" which meant I was in for it!  I mean he wanted to talk to a FRIEND not his mother - and he would talk about anything/everything mothers and sons usually do NOT discuss.  I truly <still> value that special bond we had thru the years.  Yet he did NOT come clean with me with his extreme depression.  I never picked up on it - and that is what really HURTS today.  Tom was the kind of man either you LOVED him or totally avoided him - totally black and white with NO grey areas.  He was loud, obnoxious, proud and willing to fight for anything he really believed in - it didnt matter to him if no one agreed with his beliefs.  He was a Marine who served in Dessert Storm - his chosen career was with the state prison system.  He was totally fearless starting out even as a child, continuing thru his adult years.  I am sharing these details to make the point - YOU REALLY NEVER KNOW.  I would have never guessed he would have been the one who would end it all.  He was a fighter all his life - till the very end when he called the game.   NOW I can not hold myself responsible for "not knowing" where he was, as he would NOT share that with anyone.  But that certainly does not take the pain of loss away.  I guess I can just be grateful NO ONE can ever HURT HIM again?  I can be grateful to know he did make efforts - faced all he could humanly face.  But losing him - well - I can not imagine ever not missing him calling me and saying, "Well hello there, young lady" as he regularly did.  I knew good and well the morning his employer called me with a "wellness check up" as he didnt show up for work or call in.  Tom has NEVER done that before.  I knew immediately something was so wrong.  At the time I was in Florida - he lived in central Wisconsin.  He was found by a very close friend who I called to check on him --- and thus the nightmare began......Today my ADVICE to everyone who has lost this way ---- you aren't ever going to be able to forget or stop hurting.  Of course you must go on - it is a fact of life.  You are going to cry over and over again, even though you are convinced there are no more tears.  You are going to have moments of joy remembering special moments, followed by sadness knowing you can never add more of those special memories any longer.  But you can NOT blame yourself for not being there, that moment -- its a responsibility no one can have - your loved one made that choice due to the extreme pain.  Now that being said - there is no way they are thinking of how their decision is going to affect all those who love them.  They are so consummed with their own pain and can not even think of others - the pain they will find knowing that last decision.....so sucicide is a very SELF-FISH act.  Its been almost 9 months since Tom is gone - <March 7,2011> and my heart is still so broken.  I have his estate to deal with - as he knew I would follow ALL his last wishes.  But mothers are not meant to deal with their childrens last wishes.  I am not complaining as it IS the very last thing I can do for my son on this earth.  It has totally overwelmed my life this year.  His ex wife and two children have taken "sides" contesting his will - making my life even more miserable.  BUT I am on that mission, to be HIS voice - to complete his last wishes no matter what it costs me.  I am not inheriting a  thing - all must be sold - and put into trust funds for each of his children to inherit at age 30 - yet, it is a total conflict with the children who are 18 and 12 years old.  But again - I am still on the path - not going to allow any stone unturned - will accomplish the task set before me.  Maybe, just maybe all these extra distractions today are more of a blessing then I can see?  Death is no stranger to me - I buried Tom's older brother in 1969 when he was born a premie - lived 9 hours.  Then in 1991 Tom's dad was killed on the job the very next day after Tom turned 21.  Point is - we have NO choice but to keep on keeping on - we are left with the pain of loss - yet the special blessings of all our memories.  Time will not stand still for any of us left behind - we must find the way to keep moving....no matter how it hurts.....