He is my story. I am 48 years old and married again and have one son with a man (the love of my life) who killed himself 21 years ago.

We met in school. And had been married 7 years. Two weeks before his death he moved out of our house and left nothing of his there and  he talked to everyone who meant anything to him. Looking back he made sure all of us had something to hold on too. The morning he took his life, i dropped our 6 year old son at his mothers house thinking he was in jail from a DUI. But he wasn't he was there. I knew he was having a hard time with alot of things but didn't know about the night before ( the jail called his mother to come get him because he was having a hard time with not know where he was)  Why he wasn't taken to the hospital when he was picked up or taken by the people at the jail I'll never know. But when i dropped our son off, no one told me he was there. It was a Sat. and it was the weekend after 4 of July so because of the holiday i had to go in and do some paperwork at work but didn't work weekend. I wished i had known about him being there and what had happen the night before. I don't think he knew our son was there (he would not have done it with our son there) To this day i believe i could have saved him, but my father in law believes he would have shot me and our son had he knew we were there. But when i left some few moments later she shot himself, i remember stopping to get gas that morning and saw the police who knew me and he blinked his lights but i didn't know it was for me to turn around, so i went on to work. By the time i got there i got the phone call telling me he had shot himself and i knew in my heart he would not live. I got to the hospital a hour later (took that long to drive there) to hear he didn't make it. I remember the doctor walking in the room with his blood still on his shoes, wanting to know about donation. I said NO he had been though enough and i also knew  he was HIV+ we had not told anyone about this for some 5 years. His doctors knew but family and friends didn't. You have to remember the early 80 to understand this. I believe he killed himself to save us (my son and me) But i have found out everyone has a different reason why your love one killed themselves. Rumor will fly and they did with us. I was running around, i would not leave him alone, he was out of his mind, all kind of stuff. But remember if there was no note (like with me) your answer go with your love one at the time of death. His last words to me were I love you no matter what you think or hear. I couldn't understand why he said that to me when he said it. But he did.

I became very mad and wanted to hurt him cause he hurt me by leaving, I started dating a month after he died (acting, out of anger) cause i knew he wouldn't like that. His mother wanted me to start dating and move on. But I was so hurt never though my life could and would go on. One year later our son got hurt really bad and i needed him so very much and he wasn't there, so when i could leave the hospital i went to his grave and stomped on him and cursed, cried and in that moment i could feel his arms around me just as he was there. And at that point i knew he was with me but it was different than anything i had know. And i found the way to go on and be happy, I still have a very hard time with his birthday, and holidays, the date of his death and when a event comes around with our now 27 year old son. He missed out on some much and he never understood how much we loved him. I never believe life would go on after the death, but i have. I found a man whom i love and loves me and our son at all places at his mother and father house. My husband will forever be in my heart and will live on in there but the pain has it's place. And my husband now tell me you can't be unset with a dead man still being loved by his family. But that we are his family now. And he goes with us every year to clean and take care of his grave.

You will go from being so lost ed, to being mad, and then able to smile again and go on. And i believe our family wants us to be happy and go on without them. And in the beginning no one could have told me this. Please don't let their death be yours. You could not have changed the out come and if they really didn't want to die they would still be with us. Just know they are at peace now. We lost them (only one ) they lost all of us when they died. You will learn to forgive them for leaving you and not talking. And yes you loved them enough, they just couldn't love themself. And when they left didn't mean they didn't love you, cause i'm sure they did.

I hope you find the peace you are looking for. Remember to be good to yourself and love yourself.

My hope is that this will help the ones going though the loss that is so fresh and know there is hope and peace.

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my husband and i have been married now almost 14 years. And we have a wonderful grandson who is 10 months. My son is now married almost 3 years on the 22 of this month. So you can see life will go on. And we went to my mother and father in law untill there death 3years ago as a family. For the mothers out there try and stay close to your in laws cause only you and them know your pain and love one. Mine were the best, i ask for their blessing before i married again. And it was with their blessing i got married. And he became apart of their family like I was their daughter and not the daughter in law. I will always be thankful for their love.
thank you for your posts it has helped. i know time will heal.i am very impatient . i want to be healed now. my pain is becoming a problem for my day to day comes out of nowhere and is hurting my new relationship. sometimes i think he says he understands but i know he doesnot. but i pray daily that it will work out .
Some of this is quilt of going on, you feel you don't have the right to be happy cause your love one is gone, and your not being fair to them by moving on. And you will find you see some of the same little things in this person. I called my husband now Jeff so many times. And would feel like s**t after, but it was out of habit. But Randy hung in there with me. No they can not understand but they can love you enough to what to be there with you though it all. Forgive yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!And know it wasn't your fault. And you could not have changed the out come. It was your loves one choice not your. And it ok to be mad at them they left you without asking. And hurt you.
If you don't mind me asking how long has it been? You are going to have day that will feel like that day all over again. I think it is important for you to know it is OK to live now. Your love one left you, you didn't leave them. So as you move forward keep that in the back of your mind. You never ask to be alone they left you that way. And no one should have to be alone. I know it hard to let someone love you and it's even hard to trust they want Leave you. And you may find yourself preparing for them to leave too. This is normal because of your loss. I still haven't lost that fear and we have been married 14 years almost. I find ways to test his love, so if he going to leave then i know before he does. I know this sound crazy but it's true. You will try now to be prepared for it.
Just love that person your with the best you can!! And it is OK to share how your feeling and they may not understand but they can listen and be there to hold you. Randy somethings get jealous because he know i will always love Jeff but i think that is normal. I'm sure it hard to have your wife love someone else, but he is quick to tell me A dead man can't take away his family. And he is right. I told him it is two different kind of love now. And i will always miss Jeff but he isn't here anymore. Please be easy on yourself and let that person love you it is time. And try not to push them away.
vivian

marianne lakey said:
thank you for your posts it has helped. i know time will heal.i am very impatient . i want to be healed now. my pain is becoming a problem for my day to day comes out of nowhere and is hurting my new relationship. sometimes i think he says he understands but i know he doesnot. but i pray daily that it will work out .
Some of this is quilt of going on, you feel you don't have the right to be happy cause your love one is gone, and your not being fair to them by moving on. And you will find you see some of the same little things in this person. I called my husband now Jeff so many times. And would feel like s**t after, but it was out of habit. But Randy hung in there with me. No they can not understand but they can love you enough to what to be there with you though it all. Forgive yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!And know it wasn't your fault. And you could not have changed the out come. It was your loves one choice not your. And it ok to be mad at them they left you without asking. And hurt you.
If you don't mind me asking how long has it been? You are going to have day that will feel like that day all over again. I think it is important for you to know it is OK to live now. Your love one left you, you didn't leave them. So as you move forward keep that in the back of your mind. You never ask to be alone they left you that way. And no one should have to be alone. I know it hard to let someone love you and it's even hard to trust they want Leave you. And you may find yourself preparing for them to leave too. This is normal because of your loss. I still haven't lost that fear and we have been married 14 years almost. I find ways to test his love, so if he going to leave then i know before he does. I know this sound crazy but it's true. You will try now to be prepared for it.
Just love that person your with the best you can!! And it is OK to share how your feeling and they may not understand but they can listen and be there to hold you. Randy somethings get jealous because he know i will always love Jeff but i think that is normal. I'm sure it hard to have your wife love someone else, but he is quick to tell me A dead man can't take away his family. And he is right. I told him it is two different kind of love now. And i will always miss Jeff but he isn't here anymore. Please be easy on yourself and let that person love you it is time. And try not to push them away.
vivian

marianne lakey said:
thank you for your posts it has helped. i know time will heal.i am very impatient . i want to be healed now. my pain is becoming a problem for my day to day comes out of nowhere and is hurting my new relationship. sometimes i think he says he understands but i know he doesnot. but i pray daily that it will work out .
he shot him self on new years eve morning we had a fight so i left his house round 2 in the morning. went to pick him up for our date new years eve night and found the people still cleaning up.... his roommate didnt call me . i found out that he did it around 9 10 in the morningafter a police stand off and such. he had a drinking problem..disease. and didnt want to go to jail so i think he thought that it was his only choice.
So let me guess everyone blamed you. I know that feeling all to well. Just know he had his reason and you may never know why and that will be the hardest thing. You haven't talked much about how your feeling. Are you waiting on him to come home? I did this for many many years, i knew he was gone in my mind but my heart didn't catch up for a few years. You sound like you might be doing the same thing. And maybe if you can talk about it you may find some peace with it. Did you go to the funeral? Have you been able to put him to rest? I still don't remember much of that day. As his wife i could not do it, thank god for his mom ( but they put me and my son on the back roll) His friend whom he was rumer to have talked too, told everyone of his friend that he wanted them to come drink at the grave,(i don't believe this to this day) not something him or i would have wanted. He had alot of pride. And once again we (son and i didn't know about it) I would have had a fit. But i did ask if she had talked with him why she didn't call someone to help him and save his life. I still have anger about this. But long story he shot himself too. So i know your pain all to well.
I also hear your blame. Know you didn't do this and no matter what you last words were you loved him and i'm sure he knew that.
I have tried to know every thing that happen that night and the morning he shot his self. Trying to find answers. Like what time did they pick him up, what did he said, how was he acting. you name it i've done it. But you will get pass it but it will take a LONG LONG TIME. Here is my email address so if you want to talk and not put it on here. vivianwhitten@bellsouth.net

marianne lakey said:
he shot him self on new years eve morning we had a fight so i left his house round 2 in the morning. went to pick him up for our date new years eve night and found the people still cleaning up.... his roommate didnt call me . i found out that he did it around 9 10 in the morningafter a police stand off and such. he had a drinking problem..disease. and didnt want to go to jail so i think he thought that it was his only choice.
So let me guess everyone blamed you. I know that feeling all to well. Just know he had his reason and you may never know why and that will be the hardest thing. You haven't talked much about how your feeling. Are you waiting on him to come home? I did this for many many years, i knew he was gone in my mind but my heart didn't catch up for a few years. You sound like you might be doing the same thing. And maybe if you can talk about it you may find some peace with it. Did you go to the funeral? Have you been able to put him to rest? I still don't remember much of that day. As his wife i could not do it, thank god for his mom ( but they put me and my son on the back roll) His friend whom he was rumer to have talked too, told everyone of his friend that he wanted them to come drink at the grave,(i don't believe this to this day) not something him or i would have wanted. He had alot of pride. And once again we (son and i didn't know about it) I would have had a fit. But i did ask if she had talked with him why she didn't call someone to help him and save his life. I still have anger about this. But long story he shot himself too. So i know your pain all to well.
I also hear your blame. Know you didn't do this and no matter what you last words were you loved him and i'm sure he knew that.
I have tried to know every thing that happen that night and the morning he shot his self. Trying to find answers. Like what time did they pick him up, what did he said, how was he acting. you name it i've done it. But you will get pass it but it will take a LONG LONG TIME. Here is my email address so if you want to talk and not put it on here. vivianwhitten@bellsouth.net

marianne lakey said:
he shot him self on new years eve morning we had a fight so i left his house round 2 in the morning. went to pick him up for our date new years eve night and found the people still cleaning up.... his roommate didnt call me . i found out that he did it around 9 10 in the morningafter a police stand off and such. he had a drinking problem..disease. and didnt want to go to jail so i think he thought that it was his only choice.
Im so sorry to hear of your loss, i cannot imagine. You won't be grieving over him for long though, the bible promises that we will be reunited with our loved ones again, and will NEVER have to fear losing them to something like this. Revelation 21:4 "God will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away." Such a comforting scripture to meditate on i look forward to that time! I'll be excited i think overwhelmed even to see ones i've lost, even relatives that i've never had the chance to meet, like both of my Uncles... You know what, i think you will find this article very comforting to you, its simply terrific. here is the link

http://www.watchtower.org/e/bh/article_07.htm

Do tell me if you found it, if not i will find another way to share it with you. I really hope i have given you some comfort today

Sincerely....

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