suicide's survivors

talk to other survivors of loved ones that took their life and learn how to cope with everyday life, how to carry on,try to understand and know why you feel the way you do.

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Comment by Elizabeth on October 15, 2012 at 8:24pm
So it's been a year today that my brother took his life and its been so painful today! I still can't believe that it's been a yr, the pain is still just as strong as it was a year ago. I hope that one day it will get easier and the pain won't feel so strong anymore. I guess I have never really dealt with his death...ppl say that you go through stages but, I don't think that I have...when will this happen? I couldn't even bring myself to visit the grave, I haven't been there since he passed-will I ever be able to go? I wish that I could've said goodbye...that's what still bothers me everyday & that I didn't get to see him one last time! I ask myself WHY daily.....I will never get that answered but I still ask!!! Hurting so badly and don't know how to get through this?!?!
Comment by Carla on October 5, 2012 at 11:04am

Dear Ashlen, I know how you feel. Our son will be gone three years on Dec. 13th. It doesn't seem possible that time has passed so much. I know time moves on. But I feel out of touch with the rest of the world. I get up, go through the day, do what I need to do, but the sorrow is always there. and a lot of people you run into have "forgotten" your pain. I am really feeling anxious with the anniversary of his death coming up. Christmas was a big family holiday for us, but we haven't celebrated since his death. I lost mom three months before, due to long illness and my father developed dementia and had to move to assisted living. I cleaned out their home .......... all of this is just too sad at times. My saving graces are Michael's father and a caring grief counselor that I still meet with. I doubt that I would be here without them. When Michael died there were less than 100 members posting on this site. Now look at the number - there are so many survivors hurting and will hurt. I think I understand that my sorrow will be less; not as excruciating, but it will always be there every day, and every day so many reminders will bring it back. It is a life sentence we all will live with. I hope you find someone to talk to on a regular basis. I hope you know that you are not alone and there are many of us feeling just like you, find small ways to honor your brothers, keep talking about them to your daughter and children, and is sounds silly but is so true - take one day at a time, really. That is the only way to get through and on with life. All we have is today and right now - and can I get through "right now"? And even though my faith was shattered, I'm still trying to find a way back to peace with a God I used to know existed because that is my only hope of being with Michael again. I pray for peace for you, and all who post here, and some assurance that our loved ones are well and happy now.

Comment by Ashlen LeJeune on October 5, 2012 at 1:42am

I don't know where to start...I lost my oldest brother to suicide 4 years ago. It still hurts everyday. I lost my second to oldest brother 2 months after that. I get so sad sometimes I don't want to do anything and I can't keep going on like that. I have a 10months old daughter who I love so much. I tell her about her angels all the time. I just wish they were here to hold her and get her into trouble. I pray that she will have bonds with her siblings like I did with my brothers. It's so hard not to cry because I feel like their time was too short.

Comment by brenda ortiz on September 17, 2012 at 9:19am

Thank you margo and daphne! i am doing the best I can but I am so traumatized!! I cant believe this is our life now! My husband had no history of drugs or depression, so this is a complete nightmare! I cant help what my heart feels and what my brains thinks about! It's like I am walking around drunk! I cant explain it but everyone on this site knows exactly how I feel! My kids are the reason why I am here! But with kids there are so many "FIRST TIMES" that most of my days are bitter,sweet!

Comment by Theresa Sweaney on September 17, 2012 at 12:23am

Hi Karol.  I lost my son in May also, last year.  This last couple weeks have also be hard for me, with a family memorial planned for his birthday this coming week.  My ex and my son's paternal grandma are here to do it with me, since they could not be here for his funeral.  A portion of his ashes that I held aside that were not interred we will be sprinkling in the river, per his last request (found on his person).  I struggled for so long to get the violent images out of my head.  That part is getting easier now though.  I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your struggle.  I understand what you are going through and feel, and I am saying a prayer for you that it gets easier for you to bear his loss and that the traumatic images will diminish in their intensity.  (((Hugs)))

Comment by Karol on September 16, 2012 at 10:17pm

It has been a while since I've visited this site and I'm always amazed at the wonderful people here that understand what it is like to experience the loss of a loved one. I lost my youngest brother 5 yrs. ago in May to suicide and I really miss him. This past week I was faced with emotions that really took their toll on me. As I mentioned it has been 5 long yrs. and I recently had to move my mother and father's belongings out of our family home of 35 yrs. I was given the task of going through my dead brother's last belongings that were laying in a duffle bag on the garage floor. I have always known they were there but noone seemed to have the courage to go through them. I finally did and I cried and I cried until I could cry no more. He has such a tumultuous life addicted to drugs and alcohol and just became nothing but someone living under a bridge and finally the call that that he had hung himself with a pair of blue jeans and was left for weeks in the 90 degree Florida heat to decompose. I know this is morbid but it just sickens me and I sometimes just cannot get that vision out of my head. I cry and I cry and I don't know where to turn but here. I loved my little brother but none of us could help him. We tried but the guilt is so overwhelmning at times I just cannot bear it. I have for years honored him in a way through a website called "Compassionate Friends" who yearly have a "Walk of Rememberance" to honor our loved ones taken way too early from us. This is my way of remembering my little brother. This has been a very hard last couple of weeks for me and thankyou for listening. It hurts so bad sometimes I cannot explain the grief I feel. Again thankyou and God Bless all of you~~ 

Comment by Margo powell on September 16, 2012 at 9:39pm
Brenda, I can only imagine how much your husband regrets his actions and the deep yearning he must feel to be back with you and your children. If you put yourself in that kind of a mind set, just imagine never being able to hug, kiss or smell your children again.
They need their mommy more than anyone in the world!!! You can do it!!! I have no doubt every moment is horrible without your husband. Fast forward a few years and imagine (if you took your life) the pain and longing you would experience with no chance be back with your children and watch them grow and develop. That would be torture!!! God Bless you and your children, may you be triumphant!
Comment by Daphne vaughn (Anthony's Mom ) on September 16, 2012 at 2:36pm

Dearest, Brenda, my heart breaks for you wish i could give you a hug and tell you everything would be ok .i know you,ve probably heard take one day at a time.i lost my son oct 29th 2012 and it seems like yesterday i miss him so badly i hurt. but we have to carry on for everyone else my heart hurts for your babies you have to stay strong for them.they need you more sending love and prayers your way .be kind to your self .love and hugs Daphne

Comment by brenda ortiz on September 16, 2012 at 7:45am

It will be one year in october! My life has changed forever!!!!! I have changed forever! I have 3 boys, 16 which is very understanding and understands it, my 4 yr who melts my heart because he doesnt understand but remember his dad, and my 1 1/2 who will never know his father!!!! I am living day to day trying to put our lives back on some kind of normal routine! because i just want to do nothing all day and cry! And really just dont want to live!!! because living means I have to face this everyday! No day has gotten easier for me! I am a mess! I just dont know how much more I can take! I sometimes, most of the time i should say I feel like i am going to have a nervous breakdown! i have no energy but with kids i have to force myself and pretend that I am ok! I AM NOT OK!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE SHIT! I found my husband whick makes it more difficult! Every minute is a struggle!!!

Comment by Theresa Sweaney on September 13, 2012 at 5:27pm

It has been difficult lately, leading up to my son's birthday (Sep. 19) and the memorial we are planning for that day. My ex-husband and Charles' paternal grandma are up here and we are spending a lot of time together - a very intense, emotional time, but one of healing, comfort, and pulling closer together through our mutual love and loss of Charles.


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