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suicide's survivors

talk to other survivors of loved ones that took their life and learn how to cope with everyday life, how to carry on,try to understand and know why you feel the way you do.

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Comment by Caryn Hersh on October 23, 2013 at 1:53pm

Tracy

Thank you, for being so open and honest. I am really glad you are a survivor. How are you feeling now?

Comment by Tracy W. E. on October 23, 2013 at 1:45pm

When I saw the name of this group I was very intrigued.  I am a suicide survivor, not a suicide's survivor.  I can really empathize with so many of you and your losses.  I have a very long story to tell and am very lucky to be here to tell it.  My interest in this group is to maybe help others understand what is going on in the mind of a person who get's to the point that they no longer want to live.  I know some of you will criticize me and give me a ton of hell because your hurting and you don't understand.  That's one of the reason's why suicide victims choose to end their lives, NOBODY understands what they are going through.  I don't care if you have been through the exact same thing, you don't know how someone else feels because we all handle crisis in a different way.  You can't walk in someone else's shoes and you will never fully understand someone else's pain.  That's why so many ultimately choose that dark path to end their lives.  We can sympathize and empathize with others but even if you have been through the same exact thing, you DONT know my pain or your loved one's pain.  I'm sorry if that's too blunt but it's the truth and I think that's what you are all here to find out.  The truth about why or how your loved one's could do such a horrible thing to you.  How could they be so selfish?  How could they leave you and their children behind and not for one moment think about the consequences of their actions?  Don't they know how much pain they are going to cause?  The answer to those questions quite simply put are NO we don't know, we aren't thinking about that at that very precise moment in time.  We are in fact not in our right minds.  Nobody in their right mind would commit suicide!!!  It can happen in the snap of a finger.  Feel free to ask me anything, I will try to help anyway I can.

 

 

Comment by Tammie McNally on October 16, 2013 at 4:48pm

This song gave me a lot of comfort... I thought I should share...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3_85GXsKqk&feature=share

Comment by Rebecca Church on October 3, 2013 at 7:26am

My deepest of prayers and sympathy go out to you.  I am not one to give advice and hope I don't come across as a know-it-all.  Life, for me, became "before" and "after".  Having been in the "after" for several years now, be careful not to give too much of yourself.  What I mean is this:  Everyone in my family, like all families, has their own role they perform.  Mine was always "fixer".  I guess you could say I do well under pressure.  When something horrific happens and everyone around you falls apart, you are left with no choice but to step forward.  Someone has to. However, that same role became a major hindrance.  Be sure to keep your own needs in the forefront.  This isn't selfish, it's preservation.  I wish I had done so.  So many leaned on me during my brothers death and my fathers illness and death, they healed while I "fixed" and "nurtured" them.  I feel like Cinderella without the glass slipper as I now find myself with no shoulder to lean on.  My family members lives (thankfully) are moving along yet mine is in shambles.  During my brothers terrible death, no one was able to function.  What kept me going was knowing that if I did not give him the send off he deserved, no one else was mentally able to do so. Collecting his photos and memorabilia was just one of the many heartbreaking but necessary things that needed to be done.  During my brothers funeral, my dear Dad did not feel well.  Although I assumed it was grief, it turned out to be cancer.  My father died almost one year to the day my brother died.  I was Dad's primary care giver.  This page isn't long enough to describe this heartbreak but I am left with two haunting images that will never leave my mind:  The sight of my beloved Dad as I bathed and dressed him right after his death and my brother hanging in a tree.  

My impression is this - sometimes when you shelter others from the heartbreaks of life, they tend to become mentally, physically and psychologically selfish.  Just like I painted myself into the proverbial corner by always fixing the situation, they adopted the role of letting me.  This can become a habit, it can take a heavy toll on the "fixer" and can also set a precedent for the rest of your life.  They arrive at a better place in life because they had time to work through it while you are busy taking care of obligations.   Once they reach a better place, they turn around and see you torn and tattered and they resent it.  They resent you're needing them now because they do not want to be reminded of the pain.  Deep down I think they know how unfair it is, and seeing you only reminds them of it more so.

Bottom line - it's OK to step up and help but make sure everyone is playing a part in it.  It is so important that everyone helps each other, not just one person who seems to be the best at it.  My family fell apart every time something occurred, leaving me no choice BUT to step forward and handle it.  Someone had to.  

My memories haunt me every second of every minute of every hour of every day.....A little help  and support from one of them, now and then, would go a long way.

I send my sincerest of sympathies and prayers to all of you and hope your future can include a healthy healing process.  None of us will ever forget, but if everyone does their part, a future is possible.

and I am as much at fault for the outcome.  I volunteered to take on the role.

Tenderly,

Rebecca

Comment by sarah ellis on October 3, 2013 at 6:26am

I'm so pleased I joined this site, although It's saddening to hear all your stories of pain It is also comforting to know that I'm not alone and that some of you have had similar experiences with how you've been treated after the loss. I was truly beginning to think there was something wrong with me and how I'm grieving. Thank you all so much for sharing, your empathy and wisdom means the world to me right now. x

Comment by Margo powell on October 2, 2013 at 11:40pm
Hello Friends, I am deeply touched by all of your stories. Caryn and I often email one another. Unfortunately, the lack of caring and family difficulties are often the ugly truth of what happens following a suicide. None of it makes sense. It's much like friends, you can usually count true friends on one hand. Also, as they say, we can choose our friends but not our family members. Suicide of a loved one reveals the true core of a persons character. Draw close to those who really care and let the others go. Work on finding peace within yourself and May your hearts heal. Amazing growth you can't see now is taking root. Always take the high road! We can love others inspite of their indifference but a new perspective will be born within your soul regarding them, as well as, who and what is really important. God Bless each of you in your healing process. God does care and He is there for you. His love is all encompassing. Fortunately, He's bigger than all of us. He will sustain you when everyone forsakes you. I know! I've been in a similar situation for several years. My greatest strength is God. With His love, I really don't need anything else. I have now regained a true sense reality, stability and joy. You will be victorious! Be kind to yourself and stay strong. We're all here for each of you!
Comment by Carla on October 2, 2013 at 5:51pm

My heart and prayers go out to those of you who are so new to this sorrow. Keep coming back to this site for support and understanding. It helped me so much. When our son, Michael, took his life so suddenly December 13, 2009, this site had less than 100 people posting. There is so much loss and hurt and so many of our loved ones who were lost and hurting too. Yes, there are those who shun us or ignore us - not so much because of not caring, but because they are afraid (this might happen to someone they love) and because they don't know how to help in face of such utter sorrow and grief unlike any other. I try to forgive them but it is hard sometimes. I found an amazing counselor that walked with me for the first two years. The third year was very hard; your world shrinks. I have Michael's father to help but he too struggles with losing his only son.I lost my faith and am just now trying to find some peace. Unfortunately, your sorrow will not go away but you will breath again and sometimes actually laugh again, and you will get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other and just get through the day. That's all you need to do. This sorrow is something I feel that those of left behind will carry until we done with this life too. I know our son would not have wanted to cause such pain nor would he want us to be lost in our sorrow. I try each day for him. You are not alone - please remember that.

Comment by Janet Garrett Nenzel on October 2, 2013 at 5:22pm

Angel and Caryn,

I relate to the situations you both expresses about feeling abandoned, alone by family and others.  Not only did I lose Garrett at age 21 in March, at the same time I have been embroiled in a 2 1/2 year divorce court case which only partially settled 8 days ago.  I lost my husband of 30+ years, his ENTIRE family, brother,sister-in laws, nieces, nephews, in-laws as well as my oldest son whose 27th birthday coincides tomorrow with the seven month loss of Garrett.  It has splintered my own family.  Everyone has been affected and processes this loss in a different manner, in ways you and I may not understand or agree with.  Expanding my support circle helps.  Working with a therapist helps.  Trying to focus on Garrett's life and not his death (by ways of shotgun) helps.  Keeping his memory alive in so many ways helps.  Sometimes it is hard to push away what a very valid feelings I believe regarding actions of my ex and family members.  My world has been turned upside down in so many ways but slowly day by day I have started to try and guide my thoughts and actions on what Garrett would want, what would make him happy for me.  Each of us has a unique path to find our new life without our loved one ~ we'll never be the same person but with love and support of those near and far, we can find the strength to go on in a positive way.  Hugs to everyone here.  Janet

Comment by Caryn Hersh on October 2, 2013 at 3:49pm

Sarah,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my only sibling, my younger brother to suicide Feb. 5th 2013. It also seemed like everyone was there to help but then all of a sudden they were gone, only my partner and very best friends were left standing with me. I have even lost my parents, they no longer want me in their life because I am still friends with my sister in law and they blame her for everything. I have never in ,y life felt so alone. I never expected to lose my entire immediate family within a matter of months. The pain can almost be crippling at times, but I am learning to live again. I have sat down with my parents and let them know that NO ONE tells me who can & can't be in my life. I was not about to give up a relationship with my nephew. I also told them I wanted an apology for much of the abuse both physical & mental that they put both me & my brother through. Which they refuse to do. I have lived through the worst things that I ever thought could happen to me and I am still able to wake up and survive another day. It's still a rollercoaster ride but the lows are getting not quite a low and a little shorter in duration.

Angel , I also did an out of the darkness walk and my family didn't donate a dime my in law's family were very generous but my parents NOTHING. But I was still the #1 individual for donations for the entire walk. I was really proud, my team came in #2. Suicide sucks, it changes everything in your life and everything you've ever known. I know I will never be the same person I was before but I am striving to make my brother proud of me and be a loving aunt for my beautiful nephew.

 

 

Comment by Angel Poreda on October 2, 2013 at 2:44pm
Sarah , I am so sorry for your loss I lost my sister in February of this year . She also hung herself my family's support faded seemingly the day after her funeral .. I also spent the first few months in shock!
How do you grasp all of it .. Like 1 minute there here and within a split second they are just gone ! I am still trying to come to terms with it ! My family members have been completely unsupportive .. We just did an out of the darkness walk this weekend our team was huge we had about 30 people on our team .. Besides my sister and 1 aunt the rest were friends of ours .. Not 1 of my inlaws could even look at our teams link.. I'm sooooo angry with them ... I am trying to understand them but I just can't understand how they can be this way .
 

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