suicide's survivors

talk to other survivors of loved ones that took their life and learn how to cope with everyday life, how to carry on,try to understand and know why you feel the way you do.

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Comment by Janet Saylor on January 29, 2010 at 5:02am
I lost my 25 year old son August 19, 1999. It's been 10 & 1/2 years and I still grieve his death. God bless all of you who are suffering. I pray that God will bring you comfort and peace in your hearts and minds. I do know what you are going through and I am so, so, sorry that anyone has to go through this. Please don't sit and try to figure out why this happened, because you'll will never find the answer. I have accepted that finally. I look at my grandaughter now, which she was only 2 years old when her Dad died (My son) and she has no memory of her Dad, but we have always showed her pictures of her and her Dad and we tell her just how much he did love her. From time to time she still does ask her Mother why her Daddy done this and it breaks my heart and I pray very, very, hard that she will have a happy and healthy life, through her I do still have a piece of my son, she is almost 13 years old now and she looks more like her Dad everyday. Pray for us and we will pray for all of you. God Bless and comfort all of you.
Comment by WVUgirl on January 28, 2010 at 1:03am
On October 17,2009 my daddy took his own life. My parents divorced when I was barely a year old, and I spent the next 14 or so years of my life living with my mom and visiting my daddy whenever I could. But the past few years I hadn't talked to him or seen him. Right after my birthday in September, I started thinking more about how I wanted to reconnect with him again. The week before he died I seriously considered calling him and getting things worked out, but I decided not to because I was scared at what he might say. I had not idea that I would never again get the chance to talk to him. October 17th was just another saturday to me, my favorite college football team had a big game and of course I was watching it. When the phone rang and my mom came downstairs with tears in her eyes, I knew something was wrong. She wouldn't tell me at first, but then all she said was, it's your dad. I immediatly started to cry uncontroably, after a few minutes I gathered my thoughts and realized that I still had no idea what had happened. When I asked my mom what happened, I never dreamed what she was going to say. He took his own life. My legs gave way and I feel to the floor and screamed and cried. I couldn't believe it. My daddy had commited suicide. My grandma found him in the basement that morning with the gun, her and my grandpa heard the gun go off. The wound was under his chin. I didn't know what to think or do. When I went back home for the funeral, nothing could've prepared me for what was to come. He looked nothing like himself, he looked horrible. At times I couldn't look at him because he didn't look like my daddy. Those few days were the hardest of my entire life. It's been a little over three months since my daddy died, and it still doesnt seem real. Everyone keeps telling me that time will help to heal my wounds, but honestly i cant believe them. The pain is still so fresh and deep, just like it happened yesterday. There's not a day that goes by that I dont think about my daddy and what happened. Im not sure if the pains every going to go away, at times the pain gets so bad that I literally go numb. Im trying to move on from it, but its so much harder then I ever imagined. Im not even sure that I can move on from it. </3
Comment by Carla on January 27, 2010 at 2:30pm
I've started seeing a grief counselor. She tells me I'm (the whole family) is still in shock even five weeks out. The world doesn't feel real and I hide a lot - stay home; I'd just like to sleep more. I can't wait until dark when I know I can go to bed; take my meds; and shut off thinking and missing Michael and wondering how I'm going to live each day without him. Each day I miss him more. His father and I have come down with terrible colds right now which just adds to the burden. My heart breaks for each of you who must travel this same journey.
Comment by Amy on January 27, 2010 at 10:37am
December 19th, 2009 my son Christopher, took his own life, he was 15. I arrived within moments, I tried everything I knew to bring life back into him. I did CPR until EMT arrived, it finally hit me that CPR wasn't bringing him back to me and for a moment I turned to God and begged him, pleaded with him not to do this. I would gladly take his place, his pain. I buried my son 5 weeks ago today. Everyday I struggle to get out of bed. I find it so difficult to even do the simplest of things. I get so much anxiety when I leave home, so I don't leave anymore. The reality of never seeing his beautiful face, never hearing his sweet voice, never hugging him again makes me so angry at God for taking my baby away. This Saturday, the 30th, my son turns 16. How do you go on without your child?
Comment by ireangel on January 25, 2010 at 3:13pm
My husband and the father of my 2 sons shot himself on december 17 2009. We were all at home when he did it. When I heard the gunshot I knew right away what had happened, I ran to the room where he was at and opened the door and I saw him lying on the floor. I screamed his name and fell to the floor. I realized I needed to call 911 so when I left the room to grab the phone my 2 sons went into the room where their dad was. They saw him as he was with the bullet wound to his head. They are 2 and 4 years old. It has been 5 weeks and we are all still unsure of what to think or feel. My 4 year old remembers that daddy hurt his head and seems confused as to where daddy is. I was told right away to let the kids know that daddy died and we will never get to see him in this life again. But they still seem confused, as I am too!!! I cannot find a suicide survivor support group in my area, and I want to be very specific with treatment for myself and my children so that we can learn how to process this for the rest of our lives, in a healthy way. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a loved one to suicide. I am consumed with questions that I will never have answers to and I think that is the hardest part of this whole ordeal, not to mention that the person I loved more than anything for 10 years is gone...I can't even begin to stop the emotions that constantly swirl through me every day. I keep waiting for it to get better, the dreams/nightmares to stop, for life to move on, but it all feels just so wrong without him. I have feelings of guilt because I was so ignorant to his pain and had no idea that suicide could be our reality. I have regret for ever being less than wonderful to him in the 10 years we were together. And I have tons of anger toward him for abandoning myself, and our gorgeous sons. I can't even look at photos of him without seething with thoughts of "how could you???" and the big one WHY??? I will never really know what was running through his mind at that moment, but I can't help but wish that I could turn back time and try to help him not make this horribly final decision. I am just so very lost right now, and it feels good to know that I can share my feelings with those who are probably feeling the same things I am. Thanks for listening.
Comment by DONNA FULCHER PADILLA on January 25, 2010 at 10:10am
I want to thank all of you who have joined this group. I knew when I started this, it would be a blessing in disguise, not only for me but to all of you. Here's a place that we can all come to and talk to one another, cry on each other's shoulder, remember our loved ones and hopefully get answers from each other. Even though I don't get a chance to talk to many of you very often, I still take the time to read your comments. It's very comforting to me to see how you' all are helping me and each other.
I still miss my Nicolas very much. I feel like I don't have all the answers and problly never will, however, I will have you all to lean on and I thank you very much.
With Much Love, Donna
Comment by Quinn on January 25, 2010 at 2:24am
I lost my girfriend of 10 years last sunday. She suffered from depression for about 5 years. It progessively got worse and worse. It was crippling for her.
She had been staying at my house full time for weeks because she said it was the only place where she felt O.K.
She was getting medical attention, phycological help, and all the support I could give. She seemed to be feeling better.
My Mom came for a visit last Saturday and we all spent time together. My Mom even commented that she seemed to be happier.
Sunday she decided to go home for a bit while I went to work. I thought that was a good sign.
When I got home, I called her house and her cell phone, but didnt get an answer. It was late, so I figured she took her meds and decided to stay home and go to bed. The next day, I went about my things and just expected her to call or come over when she felt up to it.
At 2:00 I got a call from a number I didnt recognize. It was her neighbor and he informed me that the police and fire trucks were outside her house. He then told me something I couldnt believe "Renee killed herself last night"
It didnt seem real.
Its been days and it still dosnt feal real. I couldnt eat until yesterday and until last night, could sleep with out having nightmares all night.
Im sick and exhausted and cant stop thinking about what went wrong. It takes up all my energy and waking minutes. Time gos by so slow.
I dont know how Im gonna move on with out her. Everything that happens in my life isnt complete until I share it with her, and now shes gone.
Where to go from here?
Reading other peoples stories makes me cry, but in a strange way feel closer to others in my situation.
Thanks for those of you who share.
Comment by Rachel on January 23, 2010 at 7:07pm
On Thursday, Jan. 21, I found out the man I'd been dating for two month had killed himself on that Tuesday night. I broke up with him on Monday, and when he tried to talk to me on Tuesday, I told him I "didn't want to talk to him again."

I didn't mean ever.

I'm in such pain right now, and I'm so confused. I knew he was depressed, but he was on medication and under care, so I never thought this would happen.

The funeral is Monday. I'm not sure how I'll make it through. I've been sick ever since I found out, and I haven't been able to keep anything down.

Last weekend, he was having dinner with me at my house. He spend that entire weekend with me.

This weekend, I bought a dress for his funeral.
Comment by Carolyn Smith on January 22, 2010 at 10:55am
There is a question as to whether my 24 y o son Max my only child died on 10/14/2009 accidentally or intentionally. I feel he took his own life for a number a reasons but I was in so much denial I couldn't believe this would ever happen. 10:00 pm one night I was with him and at 4:30am police came to tell me and my husband "he was no longer with us". I remember that and then there is a period of 2 or 3 weeks where I remember almost nothing (tiny bits here and there) Yesterday my husband asked if I remember falling down at the grave site, I had no idea. There is so much to say but I don't know how to say it. My husband has been wonderful and supportive, but I want my Maxie back.
Comment by Lisa Marie Wawrzynski - (Liska) on January 20, 2010 at 10:22pm
I feel for you all. I pray for all the victims. I myself am at a loss, going numb. Faking my way through the day. This is my third suicide. I just happen to have a lot of love for this guy.

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