When friends start avoiding you after you lose a loved one.

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When friends start avoiding you after you lose a loved one.

After my brother passed away, my friends seemed like they cared for about 3 months. Now, they avoid me and hardly have anything to do with me. I wanted to start a group for this because I have heard that it happens a lot. It is so hurtful when we are already mourning a loved one, and people that we need the most, abandon us in our darkest hour. Also this is a good place to vent about what you have experienced because we can just let it all out.

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A friend who is always there!

Started by Freda Hancock. Last reply by Diamond Jun 29. 10 Replies

There are several reasons why friends fade in the background after a while.  Some don't know what to say, or do and they feel lost.  Their hope often is the fear of saying the wrong thing, so the…Continue

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Comment by dream moon on October 3, 2015 at 5:01pm

i dnt wnt slf pity id rathr hav evry 1 still hear yea uv gin off raills u cud say drimkk smok smok weead bt it still dnt kill pame of loss u cud say]

i feal is if im bean pusnd u cud say i pt evry 1 1st slf lst u cud say 

thn 2 mush los

pepl crosin st 2 avoid me or evn us u cud say

or we gt tld get f ovr e do u vnt gt ovr it evn dr tld me i mit nvr get ovr he did or hit cut tak yrs hid had loss he nvr gt ovr it he did nt

iv hd so musj sp mush funrlls in lst 2 to 3 to 4 yrs im nt rht ij hed u cid say im dmgd coz of ; los i gt told it gts esyy it dnt get easyy it seams 2 get wrse e day e wk w evry hr evr mint evry sec 

sorry if im ramlin rantn 2 mush satadays do it 2 me ciz my dad died on a sat

Comment by Lynci on October 3, 2015 at 9:32am

My friend shared with me a video on Empathy, and as I read some of these shared stories, I cant help but think about that video. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw)

The difference between being empathetic and thinking you are helping is simple. The grand "well at least you" start, is a prime example of people who are not emotionally touched by your situation, or who are but don't know how to show it. When you run across these people, it's best to let them know they can stop with  their statement before continuing. Also, tell them that nothing they are saying is a help, rather, its offensive, and tell them why. Trust me, you will feel better.

Those who are empathetic may not know what to say, but through actions they will show you that they emotionally feel some varying of pain. These are strong people, because it takes vulnerability to show emotions outwardly to people sometimes. But nevertheless, they will offer you a long warm hug, they will cry with you, and they will stand by you (sometimes silently) to comfort you.

I've experienced both type of people, and I strive everyday to be the empathetic person, because they are gems in these "critical times, hard to deal with." - 2 Tim. 3: 1-7

I can almost promise you all that you won't run into any empathetic people before you go through the masses of ignorant people. You may have found that even some of you were not as equipped to deal with a grieving person as you are now that you have went through the struggle. Either way, those few gems you run across, hold on to them and be the good friend they deserve. Don't use up all of their resources, and then can't be there for them cause "something came up" (And that something can be a VERY important something) however, we never want to take for granted OUR loved ones, whether they are still with us or if they have passed on.

I hope everyone on this blog are working on becoming that precious gem to someone else! Have a better day everyone!

Comment by dream moon on April 19, 2015 at 2:59pm

thnx mj still got loss non stopp

Comment by MJ on April 16, 2015 at 4:51pm

Hi Dream Moon,

I'm sorry that you are going through so much pain. It is not your fault. The Bible promises that there is hope. Read Isaiah 26:19:
Your dead will live.
My corpses will rise up.
Awake and shout joyfully,
You residents in the dust!
For your dew is as the dew of the morning,
And the earth will let those powerless in death come to life.

Keep your hope alive- you will get to see your dad again when he resurrects.

MJ

Comment by dream moon on March 20, 2015 at 4:53pm

dad died in 2012 thn frinds stop speking 2 u evn famly trn on u 

1s it did seam 2 undstand died o top 2 evn famly it wz grt died 2 u must thng im a jinx of death coz evry dies  

i get sic of bean told 2 way 2 feal or i get sic of bean told 2 get over it u cnt get over it pain is hear evry day 

Comment by annemarie on October 18, 2013 at 8:19pm
I lost my dad a month ago.All my family had each other for support,which is good,but I was left out.I had 2 dear friends die last year,my only friends,so that meant NO support,not one hug,from anyone.I cried alone.I grieved alone.I was alone,and still am.I was close to DAD and was with him in the hospital up to the night before he died.My mum didn't want me in the hospital room as nurses made me a bed,mum said no,get out,so I said my goodbye to DAD that night.Mum came and got me next morning,8 hours after dad passed.I begged the nurses to come get me at the time,mum said no,she can wait.
I saw Dad,was so upset.Then I was told to go,and my brother was coming,I wanted to see him to,be with the family,but I was ignored by all of them.Not a hello,not a hug.
But that's okay,I got through it alone,I had to.
The funeral I wasn't asked to speak.
The service after,I sat alone.I have never felt so alone and lonely in such a crowded room before,and my father was gone.I will.never forget that horrible feeling.
I miss DAD so much,his birthday is coming up and my heart goes out to dear mum..and a friend of the family told me to stop.seeing my mum,that I talk too much,stay away...
I went and cooked,cleaned and worked around mums house,giving emotional help too.But I have never received any help,kind words,phone calls,no txts,emails.
I don't know how I'm getting.through this,and it was my DAD...I wish my family and family friends could of just given me a hug as I struggle with the loss of DAD..But I'm told,i did well at the funeral. What does well mean? My dad had died,and I did well?
My family shut me out completely.Mum recently had me stay the night,so I helped her with everything.We went to Light The Night,for Leukaemia Foundation,as Dad had leukaemia.I had to leave my dog in mums bathroom,for 2 hours,as he isn't allowed in the house when I go out with mum.Next day there was a threat to me written in red,that to shut my dog up,or they will shut it up for me,and horrible words,and a Nazi sign at the end of it.Now I can't go up to mums with my dog anymore,and go out with fear of perhaps my dog been poisened and my mum doesn't need the drama.And the thing is through all my lossess recently,it was only my dog who comforted me,no one else..
It's so horrible....
Thankyou for allowing me to share as I never have,with anyone...
Comment by Steve Cartmell on October 17, 2013 at 4:34pm

Several months on I am coping with life.I have emerged with fewer friends but good ones,"good" in the true sense of the word.The ones that stuck by me had been through the same thing as me,this did not occur to me till later.As for the rest ...well they will learn.I do not forgive them because their is nothing to forgive because in a way they are like children.

Comment by Steve Cartmell on May 2, 2013 at 2:53pm

I lost my wife to cancer aged 39.At the time and after I was asked by many to give them a call if I needed someone to speak to or any help.I asked the first one if she would help by staying next to my wifes bedside for a few hours whilst I slept (I had been awake for several days).She replied that she could give me a number of a nurse that I could hire...... I also asked help with translation so that I could communicate with my wifes relatives ....everyone was to busy.Most people visited her at times convenient to their own social lives.In total I had over 70 people offering help (anytime anyday etc) but only one! came forward time and time again.

At work just weeks after my wife died a member of staff asked me if I had a nice Christmas,when I replied no she asked me why,I told her that my wife had just died to which she replied "but that was weeks ago".

No one has visited apart from my family (who thought the world of my wife),no one calls apart from the one angel mentioned above.

When my wife was dying towards the end I was bombarded with calls about visiting rights and someone even suggested that I make out a rota.My wife got very little sleep due to indifferent treatment and very very slow reaction to pain.I had to stop people waking her up when she did manage to get any sleep,One person even told me that she had travelled a long way to see her so could I wake her up even after I had explained.

On another occasion I found one person standing over my wife as she slept (or trying too) having a shouted telephone call to someone who was going to the same party that night.

In the end I have help from a small circle of friends who truly loved my wife.when they have to go through the same thing I will be there for them and I will know what to do and what to say,as for the others ..... well they are just fair weather friends maybe they will remember when it is their turn

Comment by Dee Litz on October 8, 2012 at 10:04am

Hi, Jan, I'm very sorry for your losses. I know it hurts very deeply.

Sometimes we can look at other people's situations and arrive at a consolation or understanding that can help ourselves...then we pass it on.  Maybe this will help:

From what I read about your situation regarding your husband's "friends," your best friend, etc., and many other people's situations that are similar, I have come to these conclusions:

Being in grief is a very vulnerable time. It is emotionally draining.  So we do NOT NEED to inflict more pain, or waste any more energy, or put more emotional drain on ourselves by driving ourselves crazy thnking about those "friends" who are not there for us. 

I have come to the conclusion that "I am here, etc." is nothng more than just a customary thing to say without having true intent, like a platitude.  It is as if people think they are supposed to say it or it is expected of them to say it just because it is the normal or "routine" thing to say at a wake or funeral.

I have come to the conclusion that is by far more important and more beneficial for us to appreciate the people who are TRULY in our lives, who are truly sticking by us...than to be concerned or frazzled about those who are not. 

We can't make people do anything that they don't want to do.  So we should not put any more burden on ourselves by thinking that we HAVE to make the first moves.

 

Personally, because of several circumstances, I have extremely VERY little support. I would love to have at least a best friend and/or family member.

 

 

Comment by Janice F. on October 7, 2012 at 11:57am

My husband, , my best friend, Don, passed away on June 26, 2012, a little over 3 months ago. We had many friends, he was in business here for 30 years.  When they heard he had gone, several of them came over with the "I am here for you, any time"...there were 125 people at his Memorial in May.  Since then NOT ONE of those "friends" has even called.  It really hurts so bad.  Don was a wonderful, kind, caring man, everyone loved him, so they said.  I do have my best friend of 47 years, she has been here for me the whole time, and I have been here for her, she lost her husband 7 months before Don.  Thank God for her. And for our large family, we each have 3 sons, their wives and 11 grandkids...we raised those 6 boys together from the time they were little, all in their 40's now.  Some of the ones on "his side" have continued to be here but some of them have been distant.  I just don't get it?  Are people waiting for me to call them?  I can't, I'm walking through such a fog of grief & pain...

I also lost my beloved mom in July, 2011.  Still grieving her also. Thankful for my family support, but I can't help but wonder about the "friends".  Sorry this is so long...and thanks for starting this group.

 

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