Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Dee Litz on October 9, 2012 at 2:44am

From my experiences of taking up a few people on their offer of:  "If there is anything I can do..."

I humbly and politely said: "Yes.  I would GREATLY appreciate it if you would sign the online legacy Guest Book. I am going to have it made into a hard copy, and it would mean so much to me to have your name included as a momento."

Apparently I asked for too much, since they didn't bother to sign it.  No, they didn't forget.  One person, who I see almost every day, reminded me that she "is going to sign it."  A month and a half has gone by, and she never signed. Another person I kindly reminded over the past weeks, nothing yet.  It goes on and on...

 

 

 

Permalink Reply by Freda Hancock on October 9, 2012 at 10:28am

Dee, I really hate to hear that, because in some cases we find out that friends just aren't  good friends.    I try to send encouraging messages to as many people as I can possibly on legacy.  It is therapy for me and I keep all people in my prayers including people I don't know.  Legacy has to approve our messages before the family is able to view them, sometimes I sign the memorial bood and it don't get approved for what ever reason, so I really like this forum where it's instant and there can be an interchange of encouragement.  You don't need to know someone, to know that death is so painful and it is lonely to all that have experienced losing someone close to us we may lose a few people that were close to us.  It is wonderful to know that in this great big world people who are mere strangers, still are humans and want what is best for those who are grieve.  I pray Dee that you get the support that you need.  Please know too that when people fail you God is always right there.  If you get a chance read the scripture at Psalms 27:10 and Isaiah 55:6.  And in the meantime, know that someone is praying for you. What is also a big help is an audio discourse that is on-line entitled " When Someone You Love Dies"  some of the topic chapters are " Is is normal to feel this way", " How can I live with my grief", " How can others help"  I know you will like that one. The website is jw.org and go to publications then click on books & brochures its on the 3rd tab and it is the 3rd one on the page you can download it on MP3 or ACC, its free by the way there is no charge. Let me know what you think.  You are in my thoughts Dee!
 
Dee Litz said:

From my experiences of taking up a few people on their offer of:  "If there is anything I can do..."any

I humbly and politely said: "Yes.  I would GREATLY appreciate it if you would sign the online legacy Guest Book. I am going to have it made into a hard copy, and it would mean so much to me to have your name included as a momento."

Apparently I asked for too much, since they didn't bother to sign it.  No, they didn't forget.  One person, who I see almost every day, reminded me that she "is going to sign it."  A month and a half has gone by, and she never signed. Another person I kindly reminded over the past weeks, nothing yet.  It goes on and on...

 

 

 

Permalink Reply by Dee Litz on October 10, 2012 at 9:33am

Thank you, Freda, for taking the time to write to me.  I REALLY appreciate it, and your prayers, and will follow thru with your recommendations...and I will let you know what I think, as you asked of me.

Although not very old, I'm at an age where I lost my whole family...and now my dearly beloved husband, who is my soul mate.  So I am very familiar with grief, but each time it seems as if it's the first time I experienced it.  It's never the same; and of course, it's never easy. And I will take and appreciate all the support that is offered.

I am disabled to a certain extent, so the only support I have is the Hospice community service, who comes to my home once every 2 weeks.  I am trying to make their weekly meetings.

I noticed that a lot of the same people who are looking for support on this site, don't respond to supportive comments that were offered to them...while others, although more rarely, maintain a nice flow of support. 

Well, anyway, I will get back to you.  Take care!

Permalink Reply by Freda Hancock on October 10, 2012 at 10:15pm

Dee, I am so glad I met you in this forum.  I too am disabled and if only in my mind I still consider myself pretty young.  LOL!!! I'm 39 years old raising a teenager and it is difficult doing things on your own.  I wish I lived in your area, I would help you out as much as I could.  It really makes me happy when I can help someone else and support others it makes me feel useful.  Several years ago I got diagnosed with Diabetes, the same thing my father died from.  He was 53 when he passed from Kidney failure. It's true, when you lose different people in your life its never the same, I lost 2 best friends after my father passed away one had a surgery that went bad, my other closest friend had a rare heart diease that the doctor's were treating it like asthma but later found out when it was to late that it was her heart. The first friend was 31yrs old and my other best friend was 35yrs old when they died.  I will never forget when  my dad told me that he was scared that he was going to die and I didnt take what he said seriously.  Of course I told him not to talk like that. But then he said none of his family has lived passed their 50's so he thought it was inevitable.   Then when I got diagnosed I thought about his words but then a few months later I was diagnosed with lupus with in two months they could see that I had arthristis from head to toe, that following year I was diagnosed with Lichin Planus, by the end of the year I had nueropathy.  I'm on a cane full time now, I've even named my cane ( Caneisha) Ha!!!.  I use to be the independent, cant sit still person. I did a lot of climbing, biking, walking trails and traveling every chance I got.  I use to have my own ceramic business and I loved going to the beach. Enough about me, I was so sorry to learn that you lost your entire family.  To know that you keep going and that you are taking it one day at a time is so encouraging to me.  On my bad days I can look back at your words and I know it will help me to keep going. I can say "look at what Dee is going through and she is making it every day, then I can do it too."  Support is so important and I'm glad we met, I hope we continue to stay intouch and support each other. 

 

Please take care!

 

Freda

Permalink Reply by Dee Litz on October 11, 2012 at 8:25am

Hi, Freda! : )  I am so happy that I met YOU on this forum!  I wish we lived close by too bec then we would b able to chat in person.  But be VERY assured that just by writing to me, you ARE helping and useful...more than you can imagine. 

You certainly went thru a lot and continue to have more than your share to deal with, but you definitely came thru it all with great strength and maintain a good heart!  That is tremendously admirable!  And you should be (humbly) proud of yourself for those accomplishments, as well as your previous physical acccomplishments too. All together, you could run rings around a lot of healthy, accomplished, yet lazy, people who whine and gripe about the smallest things. You have a lot to offer, and you ARE a very giving, compassionate person!  Unfortunately, too many people are not that way. 

As for me, I can't believe that I am 60 already! (blah!)...but I don't look my age...what ever that is supposed to look like.(?)  Except for my ill-health that makes me feel like I'm in my 90's, I think and dress young (but not ridiculous) bec I never wanted to "look old."  But since I am clueless about all the new-fangled technological gadgets, then that reveals my age.   You have a teenager to keep you up on all that stuff!  : )

Yep, I was a mover too...and traveling was my passion too.  I worked in a hospital and also had my own beauty salon at the same time...plus kept house.  Now, it's a chore sometimes just to do the dishes!  But on my good days, I get everything done. For years, my worst but not my most critical diagnosis, is myofascial pain syndrome.  Had very severe to excruciating pain continuously every day.  The ONLY relief was when my husband used to rub my legs for hours and hours...and I applied straight ice, no cloth, for hours to try to numb the pain. Several doctors told me that I would have that pain for the rest of my life and be on a morphine pump.  Well, not trusting doctors, I did my own research, and I recently discovered laser therapy. There is a doctor's office nearby that does laser tx, and very slowly it has been helping greatly to relieve that severe pain.

My husband was 64 when he retired from the hospital, and we moved to FL to have "fun in the sun."  We absolutely loved it here!...so much to see and do! (when I got better, as my husband believed I would)...and Disney is only 1.5 hr. drive! But all that happiness and the adventures to look forward to are gone now. Less than 2 years later now, at 66, he unexpectedly passed away in August.  I am in disbelief.  I used to be a cheerful person; but anymore, I cry every day and I am always sad.  We have an incredibly beautiful wooded property...and EVERY day we used to say that it was unbelieveable, too good to be true that we own it. Anymore, I can't see the beauty. It's just "there"...no longer to be shared together. And I can't see myself going anywhere without him that we had looked forward to going and the things we were going to do.

We are soul mates, did EVERYthing together, even worked the same hours at the same hospital, spent ALL of our time together.  So a part of me went with him. Now I live alone except for my family of 7 cats, my babies. They really keep me company.  Being an area that is fairly new and being disabled, is not the ideal situation to meet people for friendship. The person who I mentioned in a previous message that I see almost every day regarding signing the online Guest Book, is our mail deliverer.  Very nice person, and we were always good to her, gave her gifts...and my friendly husband always had friendly chats with her.  So I am quite surprised that she wouldn't take a minute to sign, as she said she was going to do. 

I always had an independent nature too, and I think that is what is helping us to get thru it all...along with the strength we receive from prayers.

As you can see by the way I went on and on here,  I'm thrilled just to have someone write to me and that I can respond...as we share our experiences.  So you indeed are VERY helpful and supportive more than you can imagine! 

You are in my prayers.   BIG ((HUG))) 

 

 

  

Permalink Reply by Freda Hancock on October 12, 2012 at 12:40pm

Hello Dee,

I hope you are having a good day today.  It really can be overwhelming to be in pain every day, I relate so well with that. I had to laugh bec you sound like me, on a good day I am so happy that I can get my dishes done or if I can clean the floor. I hate to see the dishes in the sink but it is worse when you can't do anything about it.  I got so tickled when you said that you had your own salon, I use to manage a few salon's before I got into human resource.  Before my husband left my daughter and myself, I use to run my ceramics business out of my house, so it allowed for me to adjust my schedule to focus on our daughter, but I could just tell that things weren't going so well and it felt like I might be raising her alone so I started going to cosmotology school and I worked for a year and a half and then he left.  So cosmotology really helped bec I needed something full time. I then became a manager at the  salon chain, which was my foot in the door to human resources. I worked for a franchise and then it was bought out the corporate office.  When you made the statement that I got through it all with great strength, I can't take the credit.  Each day I have to pray for help to get out of bed and push through the pain and do it with a good attitude so others are not as greatly affected by it. I ask for help to keep a good attitude and it can be a fight, but as soon as I make the effort, it's like God takes it from there.  I already know if I rely on him he gives me the strength to accomplish what I need to accomplish as long as it relates to his will. Just as (1John 5:14) ^14" And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that, no matter what it is that we ask according to his will, he hears us."  So when I want to participate in the work Jesus said to do at Matthew 28:19,20  I know God is going to help me accomplish his will.

  I will tell you, when I get to help others, mentally it's like my problems vanish for the moment,  I also keep this scripture in mind; Acts 20:35 " I have exhibited to YOU all things that thus by laboring,  YOU must assist those who are weak,  and you must bear in mind the words of our Lord Jesus, when he himself said, There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving."  Most people have heard that scripture but they dont give the old college try!  It really works well and at the end of the day I feel so good about myself and what God allows me to accomplish, he keeps my self esteem up even if I am still in pain but my happy heart trumps the pain. 

 

Know you are in my prayers every day and I hope you enjoy the sunny weather ( if it is sunny LOL!) and your beautiful landscape.  Dee, I have never met your husband but I'm only sure that he would want you to enjoy what you would have enjoyed together and it would have hurt him to know that you are hurting. The one thing I know about men is they want to fix everything, so enjoy what you shared together,  I'm sure that he would have viewed it as you keeping him close to you, think about all the beautiful days you shared together and I am really looking forward to hearing more about your beautiful marriage. I encourage you to pray for yourself as well and ask God anything your heart wants to know, have faith he will answer you.

Thanks for the BIG HUG, I got it!

 

Freda

Permalink Reply by Dee Litz on October 14, 2012 at 9:41am

Hi, Freda! : )  SO nice to hear from you!  I really look forward to you writing to me. 

I had to smile a bit too when you mentioned cleaning floors.  I have all acrylic floors, which are SO easy to clean and always appear to be clean, but "I" know there's cat fur and sand that I would like to clean up every day, but that doesn't happen.

I am so very, very sorry to hear about your husband. I won't say anything further about that bec I don't want to stir up sad memories. But you can talk about it to me if you feel that you need to get it out.

Cosmetology is SO interesting, such a varied profession...SO upbeat!...and fun!  My husband and I used to love to go to the beauty shows and also have a lot of laughs with my crazy cosmetolgy friends after the shows. 

As for getting out of bed in the a.m., no problem here.  I've had insomnia every night for over a decade, and get only 3 hours sleep. On a bad night, I get 1.5 hrs. sleep. So I just can't lay there any longer tossing and turning, pain or no pain.  I also have RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome), and occasionally, that doesn't let me sleep either. Someone told me recently that I can offer up my insomnia to God, as a suffering.  I never thought about that before!  On a parallel note, my pain is a blessing recently.  I have no choice but to be focused on that when it's really bad...which gets my mind off of my heartache pain for a while. 

Yes, it's always mostly sunny here...but I don't see it anymore either...as I don't see the beauty of our woods anymore.  For the first time in my life, when we moved here, I used to sense that EVERY day was actually different: beautiful and wonderful!!  Not anymore.  But you are VERY right: my husband would want me to enjoy what we shared and view it as me keeping him close to me...and definitely he would not want me to be hurting.  Maybe I will see the beauty again in time, but not like it was. For now, I feel most comforted being at home, inside, as I feel closest to him. And located in our family/tv room where me and the cats mostly hang out, I made a small "shrine" in his memory that has our pictures on it and a candle always lit...and of course our framed wedding license and wedding picture that has always been displayed ever since we were first married.  We loved being married to each other so much, that we always wanted to keep our wedding day memories very much alive.

I do enjoy the visitors / dinner guests I get that come here every evening!...a family of 4 raccoons and a oppossum!  I put out food and water for them...then my cat family and me sit in our screen-enclosed sun porch, which is about 5 feet away from the critters, and we watch them...SO cute!  Sometimes a fox or 2 will drop by and will eat after the raccoons are gone.  We also co-habitat on the property with an armadillo. He has it made! ...his hole is under an old wheel barrel that is turned upside down, with a slanted opening.

Years ago, I became acquainted with St. Francis of Assisi when I read about him, his beliefs...which I loved...and we clicked. I think of him as my "spiritual friend."  Francis loved nature, the animals...and of course his reformed life was incredibly, totally dedicated to the glory of God.  Well this heavily wooded, VERY quiet, VERY peaceful property with the animals and birds...the warmth from the sun...could not hardly be any closer to Francis' liking...as he saw God in ALL of His creation. Anyway, what I "think" that I am trying to say is this place is so "me"...(which my husband believed also).  And that is why I mentioned the animals above...and why we particularly chose this type of property. 

As for our soul-mate marriage, we were married when I was 34 y/o.  Up until that time, I lived mostly at home, and did NOT have a charmed life. Before we met/married, my husband had a rough life too.When he and I married, for the FIRST time in my life, I experienced what it was like to have a VERY loving, peaceful home. Of couse we had our arguments...but for the (almost) 25 years that we were married, I /we could not have been happier. We liked and disliked  the same things, places, foods/drinks, on and on...we were so much alike, thought alike...yet we were different in ways that made us whole, as if one person, 2 hearts joined to make one, for example: I was a bit too irresponsible; he was too rigidly responsible...but then we evened out.  And we both taught each other good things about life. As the Hospice counselor told me: "You gave him a good life that he would not have had."  I don't totally agree with that...I believe we both gave each other a great life that neither one of us would have had. 

He passed one month before our 25th wedding anniversary.  For that occasion I bought a 25th silver wedding anniversary picture frame, which is on the "shrine" too. I put a picture in it of us from our wedding day. And the frame reads:  "This is the way we were. This is the way we are. This is the way we will be." 

Well, that's it for now.  I wish there was a SAFE way that we could exchange e-addresses, but I guess there isn't any SAFE way.

'til later, have a beautiful, blessed day...and please keep in touch.   a BIG  ((HUG)) 

 

 

 

 

Permalink Reply by T.C. Goodwin on June 30, 2014 at 5:18pm

  Yes this always happens. People seem to be there a few weeks then disappear. It's a lesson for even me..."true companion is there through thick and then" I  also like the scripture at Proverbs 17:17. Thanks for your comment

Permalink Reply by Diamond on June 29, 2017 at 9:19am

I just happen to see this support group in respects to why some stop supporting you and disappear after the death of your loved one.  I agree, that there may be varying reasons as to why one would distant themselves.   I agree with you Freda,  when people state "let me know if you need anything" - however, my twist is - Just do whatever you need to do for an obvious situation.  The average person, for the most part, will say - "no- I am ok" - Sometimes, we need to just do something - even if it is small - to let them see we are serious about our invitation.  

The scripture at Psalms 27:10 is more than encouraging....for when all is said and done - we will always have our Heavenly Father to help us cope with whatever plague our heart.  I love the idea of just doing something for someone - that signals to them that your invitation is sincere.  Encouraging insight!!!