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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Yaca Attwood on April 30, 2010 at 11:59am
To Kathy Obiedzinski: Clive Staples Lewis, better known as CS Lewis, author of many Christian theological books and the 'Chronicles of Narnia', was also the author of 'A Grief Observed', in which he was _extremely angry_ at God for the loss of his beloved wife Joy Gresham, from bone cancer.

CS Lewis had been a confirmed bachelor, living that life, and love came to him late in life, and was with him for not very long - he was _devastated_ by Joy's loss (in 'A Grief Observed', he refers to her as 'H'), angry with God - how could a supposedly "loving" God allow this to happen to him - why let Joy into his life, only to take her away.

God is waaaay big enough to deal with our anger and hate - He can take it; in fact, He'd rather have us be angry or madly in love with Him than be lukewarm - He isn't going to strike you down for screaming your loss, pain, grief and hatred to Him - He's going to listen, and I do not know what He will do, but you will.

And yes, there are many that live that burden the Earth under their evil feet, and many that die that leave a hole in the hearts of their loved ones.

I cannot explain it .... but I have reached a peace about my husband Byron Raymond Perkins's death on 29 June 2009 - he was 55; and we had been married one year and nine months when he died (although I had known him for some years). Yes, God could have healed him of the agonizing muscular dystrophy, psoriatic arthritis, hepatic encephalopathy, ascites, jaundice and liver disease - but he did not, and at 1:03 PM, PDT, on Monday, 29 June 2009 - I stood by his hospital bed provided by the hospice in the living room of our apartment, and I watched him take his last breath.

And I cried, and still do - I miss him, I miss his incredibly comforting, soft voice, his warm, manly smell, his humor, his intelligence - and he could be quite nasty, at times, as well - but he was basically a loving teddy bear.....and I do not know why he was not healed and why he died, but I figure it was his time to depart the Earth, and I am left.

I was angry, I screamed, cried, cursed, shook my fist at God - and He listened...and over time, I was comforted in a way I cannot explain.

Healing, peace, comfort and blessings be upon and with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Comment by Donna C. on April 30, 2010 at 8:20am
One more post (I hope!) from me today -- I truly have found that grieving and mourning are real work that a person must go through after the death of a loved one. It is a special work, separate from daily tasks, and the work you do for a living. Any separate time to yourself that you can spend crying, or writing a journal, or reading a book on getting through grief, or just allowing yourself to feel this great pain if you can; all of those things are necessary steps you must take to help you ultimately accept the pain and move forward with your life without your loved one. Don't put it aside -- tell us about it -- it is so hard, but so good for you to do to help heal. I'm sure you all know this already, but I am fairly new to this kind of pain and grief (my husband died 8/19/09) and I find the things I listed have helped me so much and I hope they would help everyone here who is in similar pain. Thanks to all for listening, and God bless you!
Comment by Donna C. on April 30, 2010 at 8:14am
I must agree with Lois. I sincerely believe it is not God who "takes" our spouse, or "causes" our spouse to die. God has given us free will and he weeps with us when bad things happen. It is natural to feel angry that your spouse has died, and it is natural to be mad at God. I would like to suggest that if spiritual practice is part of your life, that you pray to God in all of your human-ness and tell him how mad you are and ask his help for you in getting through your pain. Also, if you have a church and a pastor or other spiritual leader that you know, that you go and talk to them about your anger. There is also a wonderful book called "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" by Rabbi Harold Kushner. This book really has helped me and many of my friends.
God bless you all today; reading these posts helps me know I am not alone.
Comment by Donna C. on April 30, 2010 at 8:04am
This is a comment to Ben. I hope it is premature and your wife survives. However I want to say this: I have been learning a lot since my husband passed away, and one of the things one must learn is that one must have a life also and not give up everything for work and spouse. I had begun to do this with the help of therapy before my husband died. Since he died, I find I feel much more depressed and hopeless if I stay home alone by myself. But if I reach out to my support system of friends, co-workers, church members, and my family, I begin to heal so much more.
I hope your wife survives, but you must start to take care of yourself a little. You can't be the only one that she depends on. Reach out to family, any friends, and church if you have one. No wonder you are tired and sad. You need a break!
Thanks for listening.
Comment by michelle cader-laney on April 30, 2010 at 1:18am
its been 11 months since i lost my husband to pancreatic cancer and it so far its know easier than the day i lost him. I've always believed in a higher power even though i wasnt raised in the church however my faith dosnt exist anymore. He was 43, very athletic, had a nice body, very strong and when he passed he mabey weighed 80lbs. There isnt a day that goes by that i dont curse god, I do believe in angels however(his mom made sure we had each other to go through the worst possible situation anyone could ever imagine) We have 4 kids total ages 21, 17, 16, and 10 and i am so grateful I have my kids. I miss him so much, when will it get easier? Its coming up on a year 6-11-10 and the visions I still have in my head are horrible. I use to be a person that worked good with the public(was a people-person)and now I hate half the world. What can I do to make the pain get easier?
Comment by Virginia on April 29, 2010 at 9:30pm
Hi all, well it is the end of the day10:15 here. The day was long but I got thru it and hope tommorow will be better,I decided to go out to dinner with my nephew and his wife and my great nephew 15 months old and a friend is was good better then eating a ham sandwich lol. I put 2 dozen roses at my husbands grave , one red and one yellow I made a beautifull arrangemnt and we put the vase in the ground. My husband loved flowers and roses were his favorate, he even insisted on these colors for our wedding, lol. no phone calls from kids the one will wait to get drunk so he can get the nerve like he did in feb. lol well bed time for me. god be with us all, see ya tommorow virginia
Comment by Peg Otley on April 29, 2010 at 9:04pm
Ben,
My heart goes out to you. There is nothing worse than watching the love of your life suffering. We don't want them to suffer, yet our own selfishness wants them to stay. It is absolutley normal to feel this way and you are right. You will need friends to support you. I HAVE wonderful family and friends but they don't understand what I am going through like people who have been through it. They just can't imagine. Please know that the most wonderful people are on this site and we will ALL be here to help you in whatever way we can. It's not the same as having someone there to hug you and help ease the pain of being alone. I can't lie. I have been alone since i lost my husband in mid Dec. and I HATE it and miss him terribly. Yiu will go through some awful times and you need to worry about yourself. If you feel you absolutely can't handle it, please call your doctor and let them help you.
I just got out of the hospital (from not really taking care of myself) and I dreaded coming home to the empty house. I will pray that your wife's pain is lessened and maybe it is a false alarm and you can have more precious time if she is able to be comfortable. In a situation like this I always pray that God will do what is best for HER. Make the most of the time you ahve together. There will be no regrets. THAT, in itself will start the comfort.
Peggy
Comment by Ben on April 29, 2010 at 7:39pm
I am in an unusual situation. My spouse is alive but has a critical illness. It is likely that she will not survive for more than a month. I would not intrude upon your group except for two things:

1) We have been married 20 years, and she has had a life-threatening illness or event every couple of years. I am not only sad and frightened this time, I am tired.

2) I am worried about myself because I have no family (and we have no children), and the ravages of her multiple chronic illnesses have taken all our time - meaning I have only 1 or 2 friends now - both live thousands of miles away. Similarly, my work is entirely done by myself. It is something created with my wife, but it's specialized nature is such that I cannot bring in anyone else.

I spend all the time I can with my wife. It is wonderful and also means my lonliness will be that much more intense and unrelieved after she dies.

I hope she will survive and that this is premature. Any suggestions are most welcome.
Comment by Virginia on April 29, 2010 at 6:22am
Today is one year I had to let him go I thought I'd be ok, boy what a crock that is. A soon as I woke the tears began to flow and I can't see to write. I put on one of his flannel shirts that still has his smell I pray he will give me the strenth I need to carry on till we are one again. God be with us all today and everyday. virginia
Comment by Yvonne on April 29, 2010 at 12:31am
LOL Tom
 

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