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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Thomas L. Trolia 1 hour ago. 8 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on September 27, 2013 at 4:09pm

Oh Barbara ...  I certainly can relate to you.  My husband and I were well liked in the community (small town) and so many people knew us.  I dealt with the Credit Union here and they all liked us and after he passed away I can to go in to get some accounts changed (another difficult thing to do taking my sweetie's name off things) and as I walked in about 8 people came up to me surrounding me and asking how I was doing.  I looked terrible, lost a lot a weight and felt terrible.  Like you, I tried to cover it up, but of course tears rolled down my face.  They all surrounded me trying to console me.  Believe it or not there are kind people out there that can relate somewhat to our grief and pain.  Some still come over when I go there and I often wish they'd just treat me on a normal basis, but I think they are worried about me.  I just let the tears fall.  When grocery shopping (my husband had Celiac Disease .wheat-gluten disorder) and I'd spot foods I would normally buy him and I'd start to cry. He always put the gas in the car and now I was doing it and I'd get frustrated and break-down crying.  I take the dogs for a walk on the same paths my husband and I took and tears can come and go.  I miss holding his hand and just talking.  It's normal Barbara and it doesn't last forever.  Eventually you will be able to control it.  I often wear my sunglasses weather permitting and that helps hide the tears.

Most of us on here felt so confident when we had our spouses and now that they have passed away we miss them, feel vulnerable, lonely and deserted.  It's called dignity and pride Barbara that we had so it's difficult to let ourselves go and just cry and it took me about 9 months to realize I had a right to show my emotions and to heck with what other people thought.  It is NOT self pity at all, but missing the love of our lives.  Now I'm more stern if someone should react to my grief or if they should say, 'I would think you should be over it.'  I bite!  LOL  I don't let them get away with it.  They don't walk in our shoes.  So my dear friend cry when you want to and don't think this makes you weak because it's grief and the crying helps to take the stress away and cope with grief.

Barbara, GO OUT anytime!  Don't stop!  I look at family, friends and even strangers as adults and death is part of the cycle of life and to bad if it may make them uncomfortable.  I found many people were kind about it.  Just let go when you have to.  If you at someone's house or in a mixed group excuse yourself by saying you need to go out for fresh air or to the washroom and have your cry there.  My suppressing grief it will just last longer.

You are still very strong and intelligent as well to know it's important we need to embrace the pain of grief in order to get over the worst of it and then start to live in the future. There is a future for us if we work through the grief and reach out for it.  Take comfort in knowing that you will see your Chris again. He is in a peaceful place without pain and you are left behind for just a little while to carry on in his memory.  You are stronger than you think and remember, we are all going through what you are.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 27, 2013 at 3:55pm

Cheryl ... My heart goes out to you as many of us have all been where you are.  In ways in our fog-like minds we were in a twilight zone, but it's the brains way of coping with horrific stress.

I found myself just existing the first year and in shock.  It was like watching a movie or having a nightmare one couldn't wake up from.  No one can describe the heart-wrenching feeling when we lose our spouse and I still feel when my husband passed away he took part of my spirit with him. The second year for me was enlightenment and facing reality and I won't lie, it's not easy to realize your spouse is not coming back, your family goes on with their own lives and some friends simply disappear while others remain, but it also means we make new friends.  Reinventing ones life being alone is not an easy task and difficult to know where we now fit into society.

I am so sorry you lost your job, but from many years of life there is always a good reason and I think you lost this job (through no fault of your own) because there is a better job out there for you.

We will never forget our spouses for as long as we live, but the pain doesn't seem so intense for most of us as time goes on.  The first year of course is always the hardest, but we're here for you hon and you are not alone in this.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 27, 2013 at 3:46pm

Chicago Beard ... I do know how you feel and if I am lucky enough to have a companion I know I'll feel the same as you.  It seems so unfair that we have had to lose our spouses, but, please, enjoy what you have because you are at least not alone like many on the forum.  One day you will meet your Rose again!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 26, 2013 at 11:25pm

Cherly, dear. I am so so sorry wow! ONLY 6 months, that is a fresh wound, a very fresh wond of the heart. I lost my swetie, last April 16, 2012 N mine is still fresh too (to me anway)
I just started walking daily to help me cleanse some of the pain from my broken oozing heart. 

Im learning that we all grieve differenlty as our love and person was unique. Take your time. Breathe in the pain because to me, the pain weighs the same as the love...

Im sorry : ( its so horrendous of a pain. Mixed with some cold hard denial and cold hard lonilness and longing for that one beautiful soul. 


It’s all we can do is grieve: WALK through the fire.

God bles you, Vee 

Comment by cheryl holbrook on September 26, 2013 at 7:05pm

Hello all, I know I have not been on for some time but I like others do catch some posts here and there. 

Its 6 months to the day that I lost my Mike and my heart still is broken beyond repair and my mind still is in dis-belief, yet somehow life goes on.

I feel so sad for ones that have still been grieving like it was yesterday, and its been over the year, 2 year, 3 year or more mark. I cannot even imagine, and its still so fresh for me.

I did get a job, and worked for 5 weeks and then on top of everything else, last Saturday I was called in the office and told I was not added to the schedule, and I was let go because as they said to me " Im not ready for this job". I have been just tore up since it was looking like I was going to be able to at least function and pay my bills all at the same time. Seems like one step forward 2 back. i miss my darling so much. I feel like Im just existing now and living in the twillight zone (where no man has gone before).

To all who have had anniversary,birthday or any other memorable dates, I pray that you find some type of peace through the grieving.

One day at a time .. hugs .. Cheryl

 

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 26, 2013 at 9:29am

Chicago Bears   It is over three years since I lost Morley (my husband) and the pain is no less than at the beginning (I had no family perhaps you have and that helps) and the crying never stops either.   I cry a lot in the car as no one notices or hears but sometimes I have to pull in because I am crying so hard I cannot see the road.   Don'e be ashamed of the tears even after three years.   It just means you loved her very much.   I've said it before but I am going to say it again to you.    I honestly thinks that only those of us who were sole mates with our loved ones find legacy and thank God for it

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 26, 2013 at 9:25am

Barbara   I am still crying for my husband every day of my life and it is over 3 years.   Some people can control it better than others.   I cannot.    When I am in public now I can control it most of the time but it just needs one trigger and the tears are flowing and when I get home - well just lets say I have found as place in my house where none of my neighbours can hear me and most nights you will find me there bawling my eyes out.   I have no family which doesn't help as I feel so very alone now.   I actually don't think I will ever stop crying for Morley (my husband) and actually why should we if it helps and crying is cathartic, it releases tension.   If others cannot cope then I am sorry but after 3 years I now have the opinion that it is their problem not ours.   I am so sorry for your loss.

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on September 26, 2013 at 9:14am

I really, really hate that I cannot control the catch in my voice or the tears that spring up when I talk to anyone about my Chris.  A few days ago I had to go to our bank to take care of some business with a bank officer.  We live in a very small town and everyone knows everyone -- Chris did all our banking and all the tellers knew him well.  

When the bank officer began to talk about Chris, I inwardly vowed I wouldn't cry -- but my voice caught and my eyes misted up.  She came around her desk and hugged me.  She said, "I can't say that I know what you are going through, but we all liked your husband, here in the bank, and if there's anything we can do to help you, please let us know."  I barely made it out to my car before the torrent of tears started.

It has been 5 months.  When will I stop crying in public.  I hate that more than anything!  

I am normally so reserved and in control of my emotions.  

It is one of the reasons I think I feel I can't go out in public.  I have cried in church, at the grocery store, while chatting with neighbors in the yard, at the hairdresser, in the doctor's office and in front of complete strangers.

It just makes me feel so completely out of control and helpless.  It makes me wonder if people think I am consumed with self-pity. I am just not the kind of person who allows people in, like that -- but I can't seem to stop.  And, I know it must make people feel uncomfortable.

I want to keep my grief private.  I don't want to put it out there for everyone to see -- but it just seems to boil over and spill out.  

I have promised myself that I would allow myself to grieve -- I have given myself permission to grieve as deeply and for as long as I need -- but I just hate that it keeps slipping out in public.

Can anyone out there relate?  Can anyone tell me when it will be safe to go out among people, again?

Comment by Chicago Beard on September 26, 2013 at 8:55am

Today is three years since I lost my Rose. The pain is not as sharp but it never goes away either. I still find myself driving and thinking of her. The tears start and I pound the steering wheel in frustration. I do love my new lady and am grateful for her but the truth is I wish I never had the opportunity to meet her. Miss you Rose. Hope you are happy where you are.

Comment by Marsha H on September 26, 2013 at 5:43am

To all no matter how fresh your grief is this song says it all and I wanted to share it with you.  It has been 2 1/2 years since my sweetie died and I miss him with every breath I take, but, now things are becoming clearer to me. I survived before I met him, when I met him he made me believe in true love again, we were best friends, lovers and soul mates and now I realize what he gave me was a gift to enrich my life and now that he is gone I am reaching back to the time when I did survive and know in the future I am going to survive, but so much more enriched with what he taught me and for that I feel blessed.

I hope my dear friends that this song will give you hope and the courage to keep going (even if it's baby steps) because sheer grief is not forever and there is hope for each one of us for we are heroes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLFfXTwdVbY

 

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