Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1365
Latest Conversations: 5 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

New Member

Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 99 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Jeanette McSherry Aug 31. 6 Replies

Comment Wall


You need to be a member of Bereaved Spouses to add comments!

Comment by Marsha H on June 24, 2017 at 4:48am

My dear brother Chicago Beard ...

Thank you so much for your opinions and I feel better that you said I really don't have to go.  When remembering Ernie's and my 25th Wedding vows it only saddens me sitting in the same place, seeing other couples together, sitting basically alone while others talk to each other because they know each other and you never really get involved in the merriment because seldom does one single person get to be asked to dance.  I am happy for this couple getting married, but not close to them and if I have to go through the pain of remembering then it at least should be for someone that I know fairly well and who has kept in contact with me.  Some people can look at memories such as this situation and perhaps feel happy, but I find it's just a reminder of the love of my life who is deceased now.  I will have to make up my mind soon.  I am not happy I am put in this awkward situation.  I have explained to this couple about my feelings, but, it's like they simply didn't understand or were so excited about their up-coming wedding my conversation went right over their heads. 

Thank you again for being there for me my brother.



Comment by Marsha H on June 24, 2017 at 4:38am

Mary.Jane ...  Thank you so much for your input and opinions and I do value them.  The late invitation doesn't really bother me at all and as I told Steve, this couple have not once kept In touch with me since Ernie's passing. 

Ernie wasn't close with this cousin at all.  I don't feel the need to go and represent him although I'm not nasty enough to not feel happy for this couple getting married.

It's the memories of our 25th wedding anniversary at the same place, with the same couple standing up for this couple who stood up for Ernie and I.  It's surreal and I just can't explain it.  If I was close to these people I would go pain or not, but I'm not.  I've been to a wedding of someone I am close too a year ago and as I told Steve thankfully my friend (in his 20's too) had the intelligence to realize I would not feel comfortable coming without a guest so he invited my best girlfriend to come along and I thank God, he did because we were sitting at a table and talking with other people, but suddenly when others came into the reception hall that they new they left my friend and I high and dry.  We sat there not knowing anyone and watching other people dance.  We stayed a respectable time and left.  That was difficult enough, but this one at the Lodge with all the memories of Ernie and I would really be quite sad for me.  When you miss your spouse as I know you do, happiness evades you to a degree when out celebrating and seeing couples together.  It's part of grief and loneliness.  I know I don't really want to go and have told them I didn't think I would be there, but they looked stunned as if I was speaking a foreign language.  Oh yes, people can understand how we feel to some degree because Ernie and I have helped two widows in the past with small children and although we could never feel the dire pain they did we could feel empathy for them and were there for them if they needed a shoulder to cry on or just to know someone understood to some degree.  People I've met and I've met many where I live just simply don't give a damn because they have their spouses and are having a good time and of course they should.  I just miss Ernie all the more and remembering our ceremony there is like sticking needles in me.  I am strong, extroverted, but I just don't have that same joy and excitement boil up in me anymore.  I just can't help it.



Comment by Marsha H on June 24, 2017 at 4:22am

Dear Brother Steve ...  No, it's not the last minute invitation at all.  It's the fact these people have never once phoned me since Ernie's passing or given me much thought at all.  The other problem is I won't know anyone there.  I have already been to another wedding for someone I did care about and thankfully my girlfriend was invited too and thank heavens for that because if not I would have been sitting all alone.  The other guests made no motion to invite me to their table and my girlfriend and I were sitting alone.  No one asked us to dance so we sat there feeling very out of place.  We stayed a respectable time and left earlier than most other guests.  Now this wedding on July 1st is at the Lodge where Ernie and I said our 25th Wedding Anniversary vows with the same two people standing up for the bride and groom that stood up for Ernie and I. Seeing people with their spouses enjoy everything I will admit I do envy that so much.   Oh yes, you are placed at a table with people, but they know each other and you just aren't invited into their conversations.  I would find being at this Lodge very sad as memories of how happy Ernie and I were redoing our vows and now he's gone.  If this couple have stayed somewhat in contact I would try my best to go to the wedding even though it would pain me, but they didn't and why should I go through the pain of it all.  Just think, you were married at a certain place and then your spouse passed away and now a wedding and merriment for all, but inside us grievers we don't feel the same.  I would find it so sad.  I am truly happy for this couple, but just uncomfortable going.  I doubt most here would feel the merriment of the occasion as they normally would if their spouses were with them.  I am a strong woman and have no fear of going anywhere alone, but the Lodge, the couple not bothering me since Ernie's death and sitting while others dance would be quite painful and life is just too short.  It's so hard to explain my brother and I hope you understand.  I sure appreciate your input.

Hugs to you little brother


Comment by Chicago Beard on June 23, 2017 at 9:52pm
Dear little sister Marsha
What ever choice you make about the wedding is OK. You may have been a last minute invite but they did make the effort to give it to you in person. If all the circumstances are too emotional for you then let them know you will not be attending and let them know why. On the other hand this may be an opportunity to revisit a lovely memory. You could also choose to go just for the ceremony and then excuse yourself and go home. But again, any choice you make is an OK choice.
Comment by Mary. Jane on June 23, 2017 at 5:14pm
Ok, I don,t know these people, or how close you and 3
Ernie were to them...but a few years ago I discovered a very close friend of my daughters and then mine, was getting married. I had not received an invitation...whether it was the distance BOb and I now lived far from them, or she,d forgotten..but I knew I was good enough friends with her to call her and mention it. She was horrified, said I was "On the list" and I knew she wasn,t lying.. and imeadiately sent the invite, and was delighted BOb and I would drive all the way to Monterey CA to see her get married. Myself, I forget everything, and if you think it may have been an oversight, or a last minute decision for a gift, you have to go with your gut.
And, Marsha, your post sounds like you'd actually rather not then, don,t! I think having that large of a family must SUCK! LOL too much drama. Do what you feel comfortable doing. Who might have a really good least get a free dinner out of it. LOL Don,t forget, people don,t keep in touch not because they don,t still like us...but they don,t know what to say, so they don,t keep in touch! Kind of a puzzling circle.
Comment by Steve on June 23, 2017 at 4:31pm

Dear Marsha,

The very first thought I had was this, had the invitation been delivered weeks or a month in advance; would you feel better about going or would it have made it far worse having the same apprehensions spread out longer?  I pose this question because of the specific details you have outlined.  Some of the details appear to be more than just coincidences on the surface, while some of the other details could be just as you said, a last-minute thought on the part of the couple; however, if you choose to accept the other details as something planned by forces we do not understand, then the couple had no choice late or early.  In any case, the decision ahead of you no matter which way you decide, one could haunt you, ever wondering what if I do not go, should I have?  And the other, going and having sad memories, or going and reliving your renewed vows in a way only Ernie could arrange, surely not to hurt you.

Comment by Marsha H on June 23, 2017 at 3:39pm

Dear Family ...  Once again I'm in a pickle and need some constructive advice. 

My spouse Ernie's cousin is getting married on July 1st of this year.  It is going to be held up at a lodge not far from me.  I did not receive an invitation until last night when the cousin and his fiancé came up my driveway, handed me the invitation and said that they are very late and disorganized getting the invitations out.  I felt like I was a last thought as they have never kept in touch with me since Ernie's passing.  The other issue is the lodge where they are having the wedding is where Ernie and I said our vows again for our 25th Wedding Anniversary and I know it's going to make me feel sad.  On top of that the Matron of Honor and Best Man for this wedding are the same ones that stood up for us at our 25th Wedding Anniversary.  I just don't know if I can hack it and feel like it's a last minute invitation.  I won't know that many people there either.  So, any help will be great from any of you and I'll appreciate it for sure.


Comment by Marsha H on June 23, 2017 at 4:22am

I hope all of you believe in this song.  I've left it many times before, but wanted to leave again for the newer members. 

We all wonder why we have had our spouses pass on leaving us with an aching heart and if the very breath has been stolen from us.  We see the world in a different light now.  This is my belief ...  It didn't happen just by chance that we met our spouses and they met us; it was planned!  With the great love we had with our spouses I'm a firm believer whether religious or not that one day we will see our beloved spouses again and this song pretty much says it all:

I hope it gives each of you peace and BELIEVE!

Much love,


Comment by Mary. Jane on June 22, 2017 at 6:03pm
Thank you, Micheal. Your words are very sweet. I think you do a wonderful job of expressing your feelings...and your lack of focus is a symptom of grief. I REALLY have it..and it shows up here when I start typing about a subject, and go off on a whole different area in the same post.
I don,t have ANY focus at home either, so if something is important, I have to write it down so I will remember.
Melanie is a very pretty name, and I totally believe you seeing the Mickey Mouse items are sent from her!
I talk to Bob all day long..and he REALLY helps me FIND things...I am always misplacing everything..things I just had in my hand, that I cannot find anywhere..and when I ask him to find them..I SWEAR they sort of just APPEAR! Happens every time.
Do you have days that you feel Melanie is close to you? As if she is standing next to you? I do sometimes, but mostly I feel BOb is somewhere above me, watching from afar..hopefully to protect me.
Comment by Michael Smith on June 22, 2017 at 12:57pm

Mary Jane  I hope you are having a better day. I haven't been coming here very long but i really enjoy reading the words of encouragement from everyone. 

I'm not very good about expressing my feelings though. I start to type something and lose my thought before I finish most of the time. My wife's name was Melanie and she was a huge mickey mouse fan. When i happen to see a mickey item i believe it is her saying hi. telling me she is watching over me and our boys. 




Members (1365)


Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2018   Created by   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service