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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Deb S on November 4, 2017 at 4:49am

Dear Legacy friends, I am sorry I've been out of touch. I've been in NC and was without internet for about a week. Yikes - that was a reality check! I did not realize how dependent I've become on the internet until it wasn't available to me.

Sarah, I am sorry I missed the milestone of Ken's birthday on the 23rd. I hope you did as well as can be expected. I was also sorry to read about the way you found out about Ken's aunt's death. It might well have been that everyone thought you had been contacted by someone else. I think you handled it well.

Trina, I also think of you often and wonder how you are doing. It was great to hear from you.

Steve and Chuck, Congratulations on selling the house. Wowsers! I can only imagine how busy you are trying to get everything done at warp speed. Post when you can. Steve, have you received any more results on what is going on with your wrist, etc.? It must be so frustrating to endure so many tests without any definitive results.

Mary Jane, I hope you are feeling better and the pneumonia is cleared up. I totally understand what you are saying about no energy and no desire to do anything. This has happened to me on a number of occasions. I finally started to embrace those times and permit myself freedom to do nothing. My mind needed down time to do whatever needed to continue to process my new reality.

Debbie P, Sometimes I really do not understand family dynamics. It is a mystery to me why some families choose to shut out survivors, especially when those surviving are there grandchildren. I've seen it happen in my own immediate family (my brother-in-law's parents made no effort to remain in the lives of his 3 very young children). It is their loss. It is fabulous that your second husband's family absorbed everyone into their family. They rock!

Kaela, Good for you for celebrating Halloween. I know this was not easy as your memories of Halloweens past were ever present in your mind. You still did it and this speaks volumes!

Marsha, I love reading your posts! You are always a voice of reason and I truly appreciate your generosity in sharing your thoughts on grief, family dynamics, and so much more. You rock!

Chicago Beard, I love that Rose's family recognizes that you are family and are accepting of your new relationship. This makes me smile.

To all, As I mentioned earlier, I am stymied to understand family dynamics. Fortunately, my adult children have been amazing. They are loving, caring and supportive. They follow my lead and are flexible while we determine what is best for us at any specific time, especially around holidays and birthdays and other milestone events. My immediate family continues to shrink however we do try to keep in contact and get together whenever possible. My sister and I are very close. She is here now and we spend about 4 months out of the year together. I have a huge extended family and stay in close touch with a few cousins. I also have a few close cousins from my husband's family. They do not refer to me as a cousin through my husband: I am referred to as their cousin. I love spending time with them. I inevitably learn something new about my husband which fills in a piece of the puzzle that might have been difficult to do otherwise. I agree with Marsha's comment about folks who drop off to the wayside. It happens so quickly. At some point in my grief process, I was able to determine who I wanted to stay in contact with and reached out to them. They too are grieving and sometimes unable to reach out themselves. I've rekindled many relationships this way. I've also learned to broaden my group of friends. I've met many other widows recently and find that spending time with them has been incredibly healing.

I'm thinking of each of you and hope you have a good day.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on November 3, 2017 at 9:12pm

Debbie ...  I am so very sorry to hear your second husband passed away as well.  I can't begin to imagine and it's so unfair.  I knew one lady at grief counseling that was going through the same thing as you.

We are so very blessed to have found real love even if it didn't last as long as we would like it to.  The big question for most of us is 'why us?'  I know now there is no answer to this.

I wish you peace and hope that your days ahead become more tolerable.

Comment by deborah peck on November 3, 2017 at 11:25am

Marsha so glad you found your love with your 2nd husband , that love will always be there, I have had 2 great loves in my life both ending in their deaths, I was married to my 1st husband for 15 1/2 and had three daughters then met my 2nd husband and was married 25 years and had one daughter that we adopted, Got married the 1st time at 17 yrs old, he was 21, I was truly blessed to experience true love twice when some never have that kind of love, just really makes me angry that I had to lose both of them, 

Comment by Marsha H on November 3, 2017 at 3:27am

Kaela ...  I am so very proud of you for going ahead with Halloween; carving the pumpkin and dressing up for the little ones.  That's why I still do Christmas I said before.  It's sort of like carrying the torch for our spouses.  They loved it so much and we carry on for them.  What a legacy!

Yes, unfortunately, most who have had a spouse pass away find one or the other family not all that receptive, but, they too feel grief and everyone goes through grief at a different length of time.  Sometimes I think because they see us reminds them of the one who has passed away.  I know given time Kaela that 'time' is the secret and one day things will begin to settle down.

You have taken such a huge step in your grief and that means you are stronger than you think.  I too shed tears decorating the Christmas tree (Ernie and I would celebrate our Christmas together at one minute after midnight and I so miss that.   I find that New Year's Eve is particularly difficult for me.  Still, we forge on and things will get better.

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on November 3, 2017 at 1:29am

Marsha and Deborah,

Thank you both so much for validating my feelings about the holidays. I am just realizing they will be harder than I thought. Halloween was always kind of our holiday. When we were younger we'd go out and as we got older we didn't do much but we'd go out to dinner or drive around or walk around, watch movies, carve pumpkins, etc. On Halloween this year in the middle of pumpkin carving I just burst into tears and went to go cry in my room. I didn't think I wanted to participate anymore but I ended up finishing the pumpkin, putting on the costume and handing out the candy and I ended up enjoying myself.

Anyway, it just sucks. I am sorry again to hear about the family conflicts. I was talking to my mother-in-law tonight and she has been having a lot of conflict with her other son. Lots of tension as everyone is grieving. Sigh.

- Kaela

Comment by Marsha H on November 2, 2017 at 11:38pm

Debby ...  I am so sorry I got it confused and no, it wasn't your fault at all.  Now I understand!  Still, you are right you would think your first husband's family would want your children around so they could still have part of their son.  I know at this time so many things are coming at you and you're not sure where you're going yet, but just soak up the love Greg's family has for you and the girls and never mind about your first in-laws.  It is their loss! 

By the way, I was married before and the marriage last 3 1/2 years and then I met my soul mate Ernie and we were married for almost 40 years.  I feel so blessed to have met him and have so many fond memories of the two of us.  Some people never get that.

Comment by deborah peck on November 2, 2017 at 10:28pm

Marsha, I know this is so confusing to other people, it is the family of my 1st husband Rob who don't have anything to do with me or my girls, My second husband Gregs family totally embraces us into their family, sometimes since Greg has passed I have a hard time separating the two of them  since going thru this twice is very confusing in my head at times so cant imagine how it is for other people to understand. You are right in the fact that I cant understand how my girls dads family would not want to see them at least as they are a part of him, its their loss.   Debby

Comment by deborah peck on November 2, 2017 at 10:23pm

Kaela, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time right now, I know it just kinda comes in waves doesn't it and it seems to me that the waves go on longer now then in the beginning, I don't know why that is like this for me. Being tired really does make a difference in how you are coping, hopefully this wave will pass soon for you. Debby

Comment by Marsha H on November 2, 2017 at 6:08pm

Hi Kaela ...  Thank you for sharing that informative and encouraging post regarding families.

It is very normal to get depressed and feel out of sorts when occasions such as Halloween and coming holidays are near.  Once we had our spouses to share these things with and now we miss them more than ever.  I started by keeping up the Christmas tradition in my home because Ernie and I loved Christmas and I've continued to do so.  I did actually find some peace in it all.  I have no children, but a 2 year old Great-Niece and even though this year I just haven't felt all warm and fuzzy for the up-coming holidays I will continue to put that tree up.  As time goes by we grow stronger through our grief and although we will always miss our spouses we the heart-wrenching feelings we had at the beginning of grief become less.  I suppose we get use to the new routine.  Getting angry is also normal.  I've gotten angry at God and the very love of my life Ernie just because he passed away.  Sounds silly because he couldn't help it, but the hurt in our hearts and the day-to-day struggles make us feel lonely, depressed and often alone.  That to shall pass.

I wish you peace and only good things coming your way.

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on November 2, 2017 at 4:16pm

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to come on here and reach out and say hi. I have been noticing everyone has been having difficulties with their family, especially as the holidays are upon us. I am lucky that I am so close with my husband's family and they treat me like a daughter. I have been having conflicts with my own family though. I think the stress and the grief just gets to everyone and everyone ends up butting heads and not doing the right things, and maybe this is also the case with your families. 

I also wanted to reach out on here again because I have been going through a really rough time the last two weeks. I am not sure if its because of Halloween and the beginning of the holidays or what but I am just having a really, really, rough time. I just feel extremely depressed and angry. I don't know what to do with myself. School has been keeping me very busy, so I am probably just really exhausted. I just miss him so much its unbearable. Can't stand it. :-(

- Kaela

 

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