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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on December 30, 2018 at 10:56pm

Chuck,, ok I don,t know if you’re going to like what I am going to say, and I might have the situation about Peggy all wrong...but here goes:

I have been mulling over your post about Peggy for 2 days.I have heard the phrase about people coming into your life for a season, or a reason, etc, and I think it is true. Your friend sounds wonderful...and it seems to me she did some amazing things. You couldn,t be there with Larry...and without Peggy being there, while you were also sick and in the hospital,  she might have stood in your place..telling Larry why you weren’t,t there..otherwise, he would have just has hospital staff..and he might have passed thinking you DIDN,t care. I bet she spoke on your behalf, telling him how much you cared, etc. since you couldn,t be there..she stepped in for you, so Larry would know you still cared..Then, after? She helped you get S.S. And other stuff? Made sure you could drive etc...and then she left? In MY eyes, and I could b wrong...she HAD to leave! If she,d stayed, you would have never learned to care for yourself..but might have been dependent on her,or others forever. She helped you with the basics, she gave you your wings, taught you how to use them, then was kind enough to let you fly on your own. At least that is how I see it. I could be wrong...but you HAD to learn to rely on yourself...with everything that happened, and loosing Larry, too...I think she helped you in a wonderful way..by letting you be. It must have been hard loosing two people you loved,  for both of you.

i hope i haven,t got everything wrong...but I know that people come into your life when you need them...and then one day you realize you haven,t heard from them in a long time...but maybe that is/was meant to be. 

Does she know you found Steve? And, this is a strange thought, but what if she was an angel?  Ok kids, don,t think I have really lost my mind..but why not? To me, anything is possible.

Someday I will tell y’all about being hit by a city bus, while I was crossing the street..yup.and a lady I had never seen before, or ever again...and .you really CAN fly through the air when struck by a large vehicle...if you are blessed and the bus doesn,t run over you. But that’s for another day.

Chuck, I hope I haven,t upset you...I don,t know the entire story, just what you posted..and I can understand how you might be angry. She got to be with Larry, and YOU didn,t. Humans always want to blame someone else ....BUT THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT HAPPENED and there was NOTHING you or she could change about YOUR circumstances that day. 

Don,t be upset with me, if I have it all wrong...:-)  I get a lot of stuff wrong...and please forgive me for running my mouth/stylis. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 29, 2018 at 11:38pm

Awesome!!  I will order it on Amazon tomorrow.thankyou for recommending it! Y’all know how anal I am about my cat...also, it is almost midnight, and he is on the bed waiting for me. Ever since Bob died...he has slept by my side every single night. Before, not so much...of course, Bob slept with a C-pap machine on...which blew air around and made noise..but I think Rudy-the Wonder Kitty  is there because he loves me, and knows how much I love him.. 

Comment by Steve G. on December 29, 2018 at 7:20pm

Dear Family,

I received a book for Christmas that I am recommending to all.  It is called "The Travelling Cat Chronicles" by Hiro Arikawa.  It was translated into English by Phillip Gabriel.

It is funny, gives you an idea of what your cat is thinking, and it has a wonderful story about a young man who befriends a stray cat and their adventures together.  Along the way the author blends in stories from the young man's friends and life.  All the while, he talks to his cat and you get the cat's thoughts.  It is a wonderfully entertaining book that covers a lot of the things we experienced....don't want to spoil the story...it made me smile, feel sad, feel hopeful and in the end tears of joy.

one of the reviews:

"Any one who has ever unashamedly loved an animal will read this book with gratitude. for its understanding of an emotion that enables us as human beings, whether we value it or not."

Lynn Truss - The Guardian

Comment by Diamond on December 27, 2018 at 2:15pm
For the most part it can be easier sharing your emotions with those who do not have history with you as it enable them to see you in a light free of bias opinion or judgment. This site is excellent for sharing those emotions most may not allow us to freely discuss without a time frame involved in the healing process. Here we can share year in, year out that which affect our heart with the greatest loss imaginable, the loss of a dearly belove one. The pain and void is always there....some days good, some days bad. This site is for us.......share and share more!!!!!
Comment by Mary. Jane on December 27, 2018 at 1:42pm

Thank you, Chuck. Your words mean a lot to me. 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 27, 2018 at 11:49am

Dear Mary Jane,

First, you never have to apologize for being negative to us, because this is the family where we can be openly and honestly candid about what we are truly feeling without having to worry about offending anyone. We all have some horribly depressing and morbid thoughts and feelings sometimes, and keeping them completely to ourselves doesn't seem the most healthy thing to me. So I am glad you share your experiences with us, and that is true for all of us here.

Yes indeed I have had similar separation dreams after Larry's passing, and one leapt to mind. It must have been within the first 6 months that I dreamed I was at an outdoor antique festival / renaissance fair and was wandering alone along a canal when I saw Larry on the other side walking with our friend Peggy. They were talking and laughing and couldn't hear me when I called and called to them. I couldn't see any bridge or path that would let me cross, and then they were gone in the throng and I was crying because I was lost and alone.

It wasn't hard to understand the meaning when I woke, but what really upset me was that Peggy was with him. You see, we three had always been like family since the day she introduced Larry and I. During the last month of Larry's life, when I was hospitalized and often barely aware of my surroundings, it was Peggy who spent much time with Larry and she was the one with him the night he passed just 3 floors below me in the same hospital.

I suppose I somehow resented the fact that after Larry was gone, Peggy seemed to only due whatever was necessary to get our house sold and me "put" somewhere where she wouldn't have to take care of me anymore. She did so much to get me on Social Security and even seeing to it that I was able to drive myself to stores and doctors - then she pretty much vanished from my life just 6 months after Larry passed.

I think of that dream sometimes, and wonder what is happening with Peggy - but i won't try to contact her anymore. My last attempt by text went ignored, so I take it she wants to let things lie as they are.

Other dreams of seeing Larry but not being able to reach him or get his attention have occurred, but not for awhile now. I actually wish they would come more, because I so need to see his face sometimes and photos as we all know just aren't enough. Nothing will ever be enough of course, but somehow dream visits seem to help. Are you listening Larry?

Mary Jane, take care of yourself and your sweet kitty, and you are so right about what you said to all in fresh and constant pain from raw grief. Your words help us all, and for that I thank you - so keep posting because all your sharing helps - positive & negative.

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 27, 2018 at 10:48am

I have a question for all of you. Do you ever have the “SEARCHING” dream? It can come in many different scenarios..but it is basically the same dream. You are in a situation, where you are either with your partner, (who has passed in real life...) but is with you in the beginning of the dream, or you can see   Him/her and cannot GET to him/her..no matter how hard you try.

The first scenario is worse...you are with your partner, and maybe some other people, but you leave for just a minute..and when you try to return, to the room, or building or area, it is gone..changed, or vanished in some way..and no matter how hard you try to find the place where you last were with them, you can,t. 

Last nite I dreamt Bob, Melinda and I were staying at a resort..each room was a separate cabin..we were in cabin 421...and I left the cabin for a second...and when I tried to return, everything was different..the layout of the cabins, the room numbers...no matter how hard I tried, or INSISTED to the owners the cabin HAD been there...I couldn,t find Bob or the place we were staying. Everything LOOKED the same...but wrong...I awoke in the middle of this chaos, unsuccessful in my search. I had this overwhelming, crushing loss...usually it’s not this bad...the dream...but this time I was totally devastated. I am guessing this is a common dream after such a loss...as I have experienced this dream numerous times, n different settings..and it is so painful and frustrating..because he is gone, and my life will never again be as it was.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 25, 2018 at 6:27pm

Omg...could I BE any more negative? Sorry everyone, I am getting over it.

MARSHA, I watched your video..and I sometimes  find things like that kinda cheesy..but THIS one is SPECTACULAR!!! One of the loveliest nature videos I have ever seen. THankyou so much for sharing it. I actually shared it on my Facebook page, which I rarely ever do...honestly, that brightened up my entire day...I hope everyone here had as nice of holiday as possible. 

For those of you who are in severe pain this year, I promise you will get better. IT never gets better, cuz it is what it is...but YOU start to heal, and the pain does lessen, and YOU get better. I know it doesn,t seem like it, and the loss will always be agonizing, but  I read the entry from last year, that I wrote in my journal..and I am in a much different place this year. Surprisingly, I am ANGRIER! I don,t know why.maybe that is part of the process...so I apologize for all my negative posts. We just have to stumble through each day as best we can. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 25, 2018 at 2:51pm

Merry Christmas everyone. Had a horrible, terrifying Christmas Eve, but all turned out fine. Except my emotions from last night left me exhausted and immobile today. So I DIDN,t go to dinner with my niece and her family...don,t worry...it was nothing to anyone else, but it was almost my second worse fear almost coming true...I spent 40 minutes walking up and down my street searching for my indoor only kitty, who I was sure had gotten out the wide open front door. He was supposed to b in the garage...but he didn,t come, when called, I couldn,t find him anywhere, and the front door and the screen had been WIDE open for a neighbor to come pick up 3 bikes for her kids she was hiding in my house...I searched every house porch, bushes...calling his name...I finally gave up, went inside to post on lost pet site, but I called my neighbor..she came right over, went into the garage where I knew he should have been...and when she called his name, he crawled down from the top of the top garage door...he is white, and so is the wall, so I never saw him, and the little sh*t never came when I called him.

sorry to dump all this I wasn,t going to..but the words just poured out when I started writing. The day before yesterday, I had to take him to an Emergency vet for an anal gland infection...so my relief of finding him was an emotional breakdown, which is still with me. 

FEAR EATS THE SOUL...Bob had that printed out and stuck it to the refrigerator..and it is so true. I cannot be this person any more.  i need strength and clarity and the will to get moving, but I cannot seem to find it. 

Comment by Marsha H on December 25, 2018 at 6:01am

Dearest Trina ...

I am so happy that this lovely song along with the scenery up-lifted your spirits and brought back wonderful memories of you, Joseph and friends.  I know it's bittersweet, but we so lucky to have had those memories.  Ernie and I would have a pre-Christmas buffet with all our friends and we so enjoyed it and apparently so did they.  Tonight was Christmas Eve and it was just the dogs and myself, but they get their goodies from Santa too.  LOL  Still, how I missed Ernie and that would have been the greatest gift of all having him here, but, we move on and carve out another lifestyle for ourselves and soon the few tears dried up and I got on with it.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas surrounded by those that love you.  I'd give you a huge hug if I was there!

Much love

Marsha

 

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