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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Latest Conversations: Oct 15

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on May 15, 2019 at 4:02pm

Dear Deborah ,,,  The first year I now know I was in shock and almost zombie-like, but had the sense to have a friend come with me to do all the red tape needed to be done.  The 2nd year all I can say was a mixed bag of emotions.  I knew my Ernie was gone and nothing I could do about it, but I missed him so much.  The good news is that I realized how much stronger I had become and doing things I had to do that Ernie use to do.  The grief does go down to a dull roar and I found keeping busy and yes, even volunteering helps a lot and keeps you in the real world.  

You're going to make it girl and what you are going through is very normal.  It takes time and you are doing just fine.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Diane C on May 15, 2019 at 11:39am

Deborah,

So glad to hear the water is receding!! I can only imagine the relief you are now feeling.

I think the 2nd year is much harder for everyone. The first year is extremely difficult, because you are busy dealing with life and the motions you have to go through. By now, most of those things that keep your mind occupied are now done. Giving you even more time to grieve. Although this year is 7 for me, I still grieve, it's just not as deep. Not sure if that is the right word. You will always have Greg in your heart, and you will always think about him, but you will be able to laugh again and think about those fun times you had and smile with those thoughts. I haven't been able to go through pictures yet, but I will and I am sure that will bring a lot of heavy tears and a lot of smiles too. Hang in there and know that everyone on Legacy is here for you!

Diane

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 15, 2019 at 11:39am
Marsha.....I'm catching up on the past couple weeks and see that you've lost Tootsie. I'm so sorry about this, especially being that it was so close to Ernie's anniversary date and the passing of your friend. Too much loss in a short time. I know without a doubt that Tootsie is now with Ernie and they're both watching over you and taking care of you. I hope you can feel their presence.
Big hugs for you.
Sara
Comment by deborah peck on May 15, 2019 at 11:33am

I for got to tell you all that Saturday was my grandsons birthday party and even though we were not feeling it my daughter had a party for him here at my house which was worse since this is where Greg passed away but while the kids played we played games and had some wine, well a lot of wine and for awhile forgot about the date and had good laughs so it was nice until everyone left. My oldest granddaughter told me yesterday the she hadn't seen me laugh that much in a long time, funny what people notice

Comment by deborah peck on May 15, 2019 at 11:29am

Steve you explained it perfectly, as the years went by after my 1st husband passed away Greg would always say he could tell when the date was near because I would be very crabby and quiet sometimes before I even realized what was wrong with me. So I think those dates are always in the back of our minds even though its been 31 years since my 1st husband Rob passed

Comment by Diane C on May 15, 2019 at 11:29am

Hi Marsha,

I didn't know the story about the lady you were volunteering for. Good thing you got out of there anyway by the sounds of it. I hope you are doing a little better, with time passing. I hope you are getting out working in your yard and gardens. We have had nothing but rain for the past 2 months. My yard has several naturally created ponds through it. But I am finally getting the 4 huge trees in the back yard taken down. Ever since the one fell on the house, I haven't rested comfortably if it is raining or god forbid the wind is blowing over 15 mph... I know you were with me through that catastrophe. Take care and keep us updated on what your doing. I know you have friends to take care of, and they are so lucky to have you!!

Love and hugs!!

Diane

Comment by Steve G. on May 15, 2019 at 11:07am

Deborah,

For me the 2nd anniversary was extremely hard for me, I was moving plus our dear dog Bella had passed away 3 days before the movers arrived.  As the 3rd and 4th one came, I was able to reflect on those days, a little crying, a little depressed.  This November will be the 5th, I expect that I will be moody, to myself off and on and still shy away from invites.  My family and friends really do not want to hear about which anniversary it is, they even do not ask me much except, how are you doing?  Sometimes I just want to scream at them; of course I don't, I reply I am fine, how about you.  Yesterday I saw a post of face book, one of those funny Minion's, with Garfield holding a bat in hand.  The caption stated "no matter how big a hammer you use, you can't pound common sense into stupid people".  So that will be my secrete mantra, remembering that cartoon, when good people without a clue about grief ask "how are you", or has your loss and sadness gotten any better...I will think of Garfield and chuckle to myself...

Comment by deborah peck on May 15, 2019 at 10:29am

I wanted to let everyone know that the river is starting to recede and my home is still dry, thank you all for all your kind words and prayers.  I also as you can see got thru Gregs D date, and is it just me but is the second year worse? Its like it is now permanent even though it has been for 2 years, does that even make sense?

Comment by Marsha H on May 10, 2019 at 4:20am

Dear Diane ...  How sweet of you to put your own worries aside and leave such a lovely post to me.  I'm blushing!  LOL  Since Tootsie has past it certainly has made a big hole in my home and of course Booker is grieving.  I try doing what I can for him and give him extra love and attention and he's OK when walking (not 100% the same), but once home he mopes.  

I do feel surrounded by love and caring when I come here and I call all of you 'my angels.'  I feel so badly for many who are having difficulties at this time and of course they are in my prayers as well.

I don't know if I told you that near the end of last year when I was volunteering at the shelter the lady that owned the shelter, but showed the dogs at a pet store for adoption was doing strange things; cost of dogs varied far to high; some dogs shouldn't be up for adoption because they were stressed or had coughs and of course I questioned her.  It had nothing to do with me, but the store refused to let her show the dogs any longer and since she lives way to far away from where I live that was the end of my volunteering days.  I miss going to help those little souls find good homes and it was upsetting to me because this lady emailed me calling me her friend and she loved me in December and I have never heard from her since.  If this hadn't happened I certainly would have chosen the right dog and I do want a 17 - 20 lb., small dog that is between 3  - 5 years old.  Some are considered senior dogs and not often adopted out and I'd be saving a life instead of feeling like I was replacing my sweet Tootsie.  The shelters here are disgusting and make it far to difficult to adopt and so many complaints for losing out on a dog for no specific reason (would be good pet owners) it breaks their heart.  The questionnaire you fill out is a long one and some say some shelters even ask how much you make a year (breach of the privacy act) and are so stringent that people are forced to buy dogs off places like Craig's List, etc., or go elsewhere which I've always said only creates the very puppy mills the SPCA is trying to stop.  I am so angry about it all.  Haven't started really looking yet, but go on Google and some of the dogs flown in cost $600 - 
$800 and most are street dogs.  Go figure!  It seems I'm always climbing mountains when something like this shouldn't be so difficult.  Don't mind if they home visit me and my vet told me if I have any problems to have me have the shelter phone him, but most shelters don't bother. 

Thank you for the prayers my dear friend and I'm sure going to need them finding that right little dog for Booker and I.

I hope things are going better for you and you are in a peaceful time of your life.  Thank you once again for thinking of me.  You are always there when I need you.

Love & Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on May 10, 2019 at 4:04am

Dear Deborah ...  Thank you so much for your kind thoughts regarding my dear Tootsie and with Booker feeling so low.  I agree that I will need to get another small dog for him as he's just not himself.  I feel so sorry for him as he's alone now so if I go out even for an he is really upset.  I imagine in his mind that his daddy left and never came back, then our cat Molly 5 months later and now his little sister Tootsie and he fears I'll not come back.  There is no way you can explain and calm their fears.  Luckily I do not work and retired and I don't go out all that often.  The weather has suddenly become to hot to leave a dog in the car or I would bring him with me on short trips to stores.  

Thank so much for the good luck and prayers and I really do appreciate it as it's so kind of you to think of me when you have much on your mind and fear of flooding.  Again you are in my prayers.  

Big hugs

Marsha

 

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