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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 15, 2020 at 12:03pm

Hello everyone,

This is the piece my cousin Mary wrote after losing her husband Tuan last September. Less than a week before her father, my Uncle John, passed, so she and all her family were dealt quite a blow. Mary allowed me to share this with you - I think like us she finds comfort in writing about her feelings. She has also told me of possible plans for the future, although wisely she is making no fast decisions or commitments right away. 


December 11, 2019

I want to write something about crying. Why do people cry? There could be many reasons. Sadness, pain, loneliness, fear, etc. . . Pain can be physical or emotional pain. I might cry when I’m frustrated, confused, or exhausted. Everybody cries sometimes, although adults often try to hide it. As if they’re embarrassed or something. Sometimes we cry when we are filled with joy, or overwhelmed with emotion in a good way. Babies cry a lot. When they’re hungry, tired, bored, too cold or too hot, or sick. One thing is for sure —- everybody does it —- at least sometimes. I often cry when I see somebody else cry. I think they call that empathy. Even Jesus cried when Lazarus died. Actually, I think he didn’t cry until he got to the place where all the people were mourning.

Crying is something that you can’t control easily. At least I can’t control it. I can’t make myself cry, and I can’t make myself stop crying once I’ve started. Laughing is the same way for me. I think when God made us, he wired us with all kinds of complex emotions, some of them very powerful. And he knew that sometimes we would need some kind of way to release them. It’s a human thing. And it’s somewhat involuntary.

It has been three months since my husband and my father died. When Dad died, I didn’t cry when I got the news. I was fine until the day of the funeral. When we were all inside the church, we had to line up in the back and walk up to the front to sit down. I heard the organ music play, and all of a sudden I started to cry uncontrollably. I was crying while I was walking down the aisle to my seat. Gradually, I calmed down for the service. I was sitting next to Tara, and she is one of those people who cries easily. And seeing her cry makes me cry. I think I was feeling a combination of sadness about my father’s death and my husband’s near death. Tuan was not at the funeral. He stayed home with Richard so I could go to the funeral. His condition had been declining rapidly over the past couple of days, and so I wasn’t sure if I should even leave him to go to Dad’s funeral. But I decided to go. It was only for a few hours, and when I got home, Richard said Tuan had been sleeping all morning. I guess it was because we had given him some Ativan for restlessness the night before.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 15, 2020 at 9:52am

Oh Marsha...I am so sorry yesterday was hard for you, as well as Everyone else here, beside myself..to whom it was just another day. I used to get a bit peeved when Bob either blew it off, saying he didn,t need to give me flowers, etc, as I should KNOW he loved me, without trite gifts,  or gave me flowers a day or two BEFORE VD day..but now I am a bit grateful for his actions. And, he did that the last 10 years b4 his death..probably cuz I would lie, and  him it was no big deal..  he would say “you know I love you, and shouldn’t, need a day dictated by the greeting card company, to force him to show how much” *

*translation: “oh crap, I forgot, I hope she will buy this excuse” and in his defense, he would bring me flowers during the year for no reason at all..so it worked out.

Comment by Marsha H on February 15, 2020 at 6:39am

I hope this makes my angels on here feel a little better.  On Friday I was out and about keeping one appointment and shopping and I know many of the people who work in my town.  I was amazed at how many people were alone for Valentine's Day; some had no one, other's their boyfriend or husband had to work.  It was quiet for Valentine's Day.  I didn't make me feel quite so bad.  I hope all of you got through Valentine's with less pain and more peace.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 15, 2020 at 6:35am

My Dear Chuck ...  You had me in tears and steamed up my sunglasses, but also made me laugh!  I'll tell you a secret, I love the more glamor of Hollywood as well when they really knew how to make movies.

You have no idea how much I look forward to your posts as they often bring a smile to my face or a good chuckle.  You too have helped me many times as has Steve.  I am lucky to have adopted 2 wonderful brothers. 

I was laughing so hard about you not putting the correct date down for Steve's appointment because I had a hairdressing appointment and on the calendar I had it was 2 PM on the Thursday, but luckily I had put the date in my Day Book and thankfully it was on the Friday.  We aren't losing our minds; we just have to much on our minds.  At least that's what I keep telling myself.  LOL

You brought me to tears with your wonderful comments when I needed them the most.  The last two weeks have not been kind to me.  My halo is tarnished and as far as a Queen all I have to say about that is 'Royal Flush!'  LOL  I try my best.

I love you too my dear brother,  I'll get an email off to you soon and some photos.  I'll wear a bag over my head with my name written on it.  LOL

Hugs & much Love

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 14, 2020 at 9:20pm

I hope this day was an easy one for all of you. Sometimes, when days are difficult, a phrase pops into my head: “AND THIS TOO, SHALL PASS” ..and it does..eventually. Last night was wonderful..having you all posting was like a reunion of sorts, and I thank you all from deep in my heart. It was old friends meeting again. I hope it will stay that way, and we can keep a level of communication here. 

I have been having a VERY hard time since I moved here 7 months ago..with an almost HATRED of everything in this new life, except being near my daughter..The house, location, the HUGE changes in 15 years since I moved..but I digress..and  I will post more tomorrow, as I would like your thoughts on something I fear is causing these emotions..for now, Have a wonderful evening, my friends. 

Comment by Todd B. Goodrich on February 14, 2020 at 11:02am

Thank you all and prayers right back to ya!

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 14, 2020 at 10:55am

Dear Marsha,

I can't help but get a visual of you walking your doggies with your sunglasses looking every bit the image of Greta Garbo muttering is a low voice "I vant to be alone..."

Sorry, with me somehow everything ends up back in the old glamor days Hollywood. You have always been here when I need a smile or a push (or kick in the rear) to get me back on track - my trolley jumps that track more often than I care to admit.

Tuesday Steve and I rose early, dressed and rushed out the door to an early appointment with his doctor - he had been dreading this appointment all weekend, and I tried to distract him with my usual silliness and assurances that all would be well.

When we reached the check in desk the appointment was not scheduled - however there was one for next Tuesday. We were embarrassed and Steve said he must have written it on the calendar on the kitchen wall incorrectly. Once home my deepest fears were realized - there was the appointment on the wrong date - in MY handwriting. God bless him, he just laughed and said "That's OK - it could happen to anyone." Of course, the frequency with which it happens to me was left unmentioned.

I am sending you a giant bear hug, and remember to keep that Hollywood swagger in your step today - to me and everyone else here you are not only an angel - you are a Queen!

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 14, 2020 at 10:41am

Dear Trina,

How many times you have said something that went straight to my heart - I've lost track - and hearing from you again just reminds me of how you and all the treasured family here have lifted me and carried me through some of the darkest times of my life. Travelling between here and Bangladesh can't be easy, and sadly I suspect at times downright unpleasant. This is one of the magical things that I found on Legacy - making friends with people of such varied backgrounds who can all be one family of compassion and unconditional love. I've said before that this special place is to me a model of how the world should be - facing unbearable losses and troubles by reaching out to each other and joining hands to share our burdens and thus lighten them for us all.

I send you all my love and a long tight hug from a distant friend who will always treasure you - 

Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 14, 2020 at 10:06am

Well, Mary Jane deserves a gigantic hug for getting us all together again - seeing posts from people I have been thinking of makes me feel again like my family here is in ways more "real" than my relatives, and you certainly all understand me much better.

DJ, the "1-4-3" became a code that Larry and I used for saying "I Love You" when we were around other people or in public where we didn't want to deal with bad reactions to our love for each other. I don't really think there was any doubt in anyone's minds that we were a couple because of the way we interacted, but sometimes the feeling around us was that they were OK so long as we weren't too open about it. It was kind of a weird tightrope we walked sometimes, especially at big events like weddings. Once I asked him to dance and he just stared at me like I was crazy!

Which brings me to Todd - I am sending you special vibes of strength and calm for this most difficult couple of days. Claudia will be right with you as you go through this I am sure, and we all here hold you in our hearts as well. 

I will later today share something my cousin wrote about losing her husband last Sept - she has given me permission to post it, and although she doesn't seem to want to join anyplace, her journey is so familiar to us all that I am trying to do for her what we all do for each other here every day - give understanding, support, and most of all love. 

Until later wishing us all peace today - 

Love,

Chuck

Comment by deborah peck on February 14, 2020 at 9:39am

Hello everyone, seems like everyone has a hard time with this day, Todd Im so sorry this is a double whammy for you. My sister and I were going to do lunch and a movie today, just to have something to do andI was really looking forward to it but she cancelled so now Im feeling the loneliness of this day, Greg and I always celebrated the day with usually dinner out and chocolates and flowers so I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness but this day too shall pass. I hope everyone gets some joy today if only in our memories, As for me Ive been doing diamond art so will eat chocolate and do my crafts, love to all of you and prayers, Todd, will be saying a special prayer for you

 

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