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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by DJ on August 6, 2021 at 12:59am
Mary Jane, that is just how I am with Jill -- once I was out of the fog. Every now and then something triggers me and I choke up, but otherwise I just talk to her throughout the day. I attribute to her all the good things that happen to/for me (finding misplaced items, dodging a calamity (like dropping my phone and it lands on a scrap of lawn in the middle of a rock pile), being in the right place at the right time, etc). I cannot see, hear, or touch her, but I am calmed by behaving like she is here - a secret we keep between us lest folks think I'm bonkers for talking to myself. BTW, Deb, I've only had one dream of her - just as I was coming out of the fog - she kissed me on the cheek; I felt it and woke up. My good days quickly overtook my bad days after that; now they're all good days because she’s with me.
Comment by Mary. Jane on August 5, 2021 at 11:25pm

Hello everyone..I have an odd take on Trina’s anniversary date..I thought about this all day. For me, it seems different..I don,t miss the loss of Bob, cuz to me, he is always with me.Every morning, when I wake up, I turn on the coffee, and wander out to the porch to have a cigarette. As the sky lightens I look at one particular area of the sky each morning..and say “Good morning, God. Good morning, Bob” I have this vision of Bob up there, with another fellow, who in my mind, is God. And my heart lifts, cuz I know he is ok, and watching over me. Bob is always with me..all day and night..I talk to him constantly, cuz I know he is listening.His life here on earth ended 5 years ago but his life with me is omnipresent.

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 5, 2021 at 6:19pm

Hi Deb,

I just read your question about dreaming if our spouses are leaving us in real life,  I actually had those dreams BEFORE Ken died.   That's how I knew I was going to lose him even though the doctors were telling me otherwise.  I would dream that he left me and didn't want to be found, he would leave his wallet and phone so I couldn't find him.  Once he died, those dreams stopped.

Your husband absolutely loved you.  Your dreams may just be your minds way of accepting that he had to leave and unfortunately you weren't able to stop it

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 5, 2021 at 6:10pm

Hi friends,

I'm sorry I dropped off for a while.  I'll have to catch up on reading the posts.

The past few months have been crazy.  My mother's been sick since March and just got home from her third hospital stay since then but still with no answers.  The doctor's have never seen her issue before and all tests have come back negative so they basically keep passing her around. 

My father in-law passed away in May.  I'm sure he's happy to be reunited with Ken.

The most scary thing is my niece just spent a week in a Boston hospital.  It's never good when a local hospital sends a patient to a Boston hospital because the issue is too big for them.  How it is that a healthy 17 year old's life can be in jeopardy from one spin box class blows my mind.  She was released a week ago on her 18th birthday only because she wore the doctors down.  She'll still be under a doctor's care for a bit longer.

It's not all bad though.  I'm grateful to have my health, to still be employed through the pandemic, to be able to get out and see friends more etc.  I've been thinking about you all frequently and apologize again for not checking in sooner.

Love you all,

Sara 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 5, 2021 at 1:10pm

Dear Trina,

I'm sorry yesterday got by me without posting this to you - I had a note by my desktop but it got shuffled under other papers.

7 years without Joseph must seem like an eternity. I lost Larry 6 years ago last April and that seemed unfathomable to me on that day.

I hope that you felt Joseph near you in your heart and continue to do so always, because I still believe that from someplace we can only imagine our loved ones continue to watch over us , even though we may not feel their presence always. 

A line from the musical play "Evita" always comes to mind when I ponder these type of thoughts... something along the lines of "I have not left you, although it may be harder for you to see me."

I send a hug to you and much love - 

Chuck

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 5, 2021 at 12:45am

DJ, thank you so very much for remembering me on Joseph's anniversary of death. It really means a great deal to me! I looked at our happy photos from over the years with friends and family, and it helped to fight the sadness some. Doesn't get easier with the passing of years but remembering the happy times helps.

Thanks again and hope all is well you. Sending warm wishes your way.  

Comment by DJ on August 5, 2021 at 12:26am
Trina, I hope the happy thoughts of your time together trumped the sad one of losing Joseph seven years ago.
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 31, 2021 at 1:22pm

Hello all,

Yes DJ, it is great! I had often wanted to share something but Trina described my feelings to a "T" - I was afraid of offending someone unwittingly. Also on the nose is Trina's description of walking around in the world trying to appear fine when just seeing or hearing something randomly can feel like a jolt of electricity awakening my sadness and grief instantly. More than once someone present would notice and ask if I was alright or what's wrong. How do you answer honestly? It is worse when it's someone aware of my loss of Larry but they consider that "my past" and encourage me to live for the future. Of course Steve knows exactly what I'm feeling and always gracefully and tactfully deflects questions while letting me know with his eyes that he is with me and gets it.

Recently a couple we know had a fight the night before one was to leave for a two-week business trip. His partner dropped him at work with his bags then drove off without saying goodbye. He was visiting us describing the situation when the guy leaving showed up at our house and stormed in unleashing a rant about not answering his texts or saying goodbye. Steve and I were caught silently in the crossfire until the traveler left and we remaining three caught our breath. I could only think of one thing to say, them being married for only one year but partners for ten.

I said I wished all couples would try to realize that when they part angry or in silence they face the risk of something happening that would make that their last meeting, at least in this world. One getting on a plane, or the other driving home, could be lost and the remaining spouse would have to confront that last parting for the remainder of their life.

It may or may not have gotten through to him, but Steve got it and just looked at me knowing that I never had the chance to say goodbye to Larry. 

So while I still can be knocked off my emotional balance by the slightest trivial thing, I hope that somehow I can be of some use or comfort, if not counsel and guidance, to other people who are now or will some day be dealing with grief. Marsha, Deborah, Trina, Mary Jane, DJ, and too many to name have gotten me this far and I'm so grateful that we can still be here for each other - what a lovely happy thought to actually be together as Trina said - an image to surely lead to some happy dreams for us all!

Love, Chuck 

Comment by DJ on July 30, 2021 at 5:16pm

Wow, it’s great to see you guys posting!  I’ve been off the grid for a couple weeks, but I’m caught up now.  As you know:  I don’t post much, but I do keep a fairly close eye on this site and read every entry.

Comment by Marsha H on July 30, 2021 at 7:07am

Deborah ....

I have mixed dreams of Ernie although not much anymore and I miss some of those dreams.  Yes, I've had a couple of dreams of Ernie dumping me for someone else.  Example:  I had a dream where we were in this shop run by hippies.  I always love to snoop in unique shops so I went into a back room to look around and Ernie was at the front of the store. Also we both had fun during the hippie era I was as old as I was when I had this dream, but he looked younger.  When I came to the front of the store he was standing there with his arm around this very attractive looking hippie girl.  He looked me right in the eyes and said he didn't love me anymore.  I woke up dazed, confused, hurt and angry.  It felt so real at the time and I wondered why I even dreamt it as he was very loyal and loving.  The other dreams I've had he has his hand on my face, but when i turn to look at him I can't see him.  To this day my mind plays games on me and it's been 10 years since he passed and I get angry out of nowhere thinking he never loved me and then I realize it was just a dream.

I went for a peaceful walk one day to try and sort out why I thought Ernie didn't love me anymore.  Then it hit me like a brick.  When Ernie was home and not well he wasn't the best patient and both of us were strained over the fact he had pancreatic cancer and his surgery was coming up soon.  I already knew the odds weren't very good and I think Ernie knew the same thing even though he refused to be on the computer.  I was as strong as could be and at first I would hold him tight and tell him we had beaten many things throughout our  married life and we'd beat this.  It worked sometimes and sometimes not.  When he would go to bed I was always on the alert and slept little so I was a mess.  I would have 'shower cries' so he wouldn't hear me.  He became extremely withdrawn even to me and I would get angry at him and sometimes would get very stern with him and say things I didn't mean.  It was because of that I wondered if he thought I didn't have any feelings towards him, but he had said many times that I was always there for him.  Still, I was tough sometimes on him and I realize it was because I couldn't face him dying.  So, the bottom line for me anyway was the fact I felt a lot of guilt over that and thus, in my dreams he was leaving me.  It's a dream and only a dream and they loved us.

Thanks for the opportunity Deborah to express dreams about the one we loved so much.

Love & Hugs 

Marcy 

 

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