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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Lynda Lenell on July 22, 2010 at 11:53am
I read these letters and it does help to know I'm not alone and not crazy in how I feel. It's just sad to know that others understand because they are going through the same. I don't find it easy to ask for help from my family. Do all of you find youselves saying I'm fine when people ask because you know it's what they want to hear. In doing this I isolate myself because I avoid saying it's really pretty miserable still. I have to get on a Continental flight in Aug because my son and daughter-in-law are having a baby, a little boy that will be thier 1st child named after my son and husband. Craig Alan Lenell III. I do feel great joy in this but getting on that plane will be so difficult. I travel free still but I no longer take trips because I'm afraid of seeing the 777 Craig died on. I don't go to Houston anymore. Our home of 25 yrs is at the end of the runway for Intercontinental. Every night the plane takes off for Paris, London and Tel Aviv. I don't want to see them. There are not that many 777's in the fleet and I can't help but wonder everytime and I know it's irrational. I live at the farm now as we mostly had for the last 10 yrs. I feel safe here but traveling was our life and I am such a coward not to be able to face it. I don't know where to start with this. The last time I came in on a plane from Newark I was bringing Craig home for the funeral. The fire trucks were on the runway spraying the plane in honor of his final flight. The pilot honor guard stood waiting with all our family and friends allowed out on the tarmac. They closed the terminal at 11PM to bring him home. I still see the hundreds of workers lined up in the windows. It had been his home for 32 yrs. He knew and loved everyone and they all came. I know he wouldn't want me to feel this way. He lived to fly. It was everthing to him next to his family.
Comment by Randolph L. Schrader on July 22, 2010 at 11:39am
Hi to all, I'm back on Legacy. I realized that we do depend on each other and with are ups and downs, we can learn,perhaps inspire, and at least share our "new life" together.We all understand and together we can try and figure things out, if possible. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.
Comment by Mary on July 22, 2010 at 10:33am
Kathy,
I am so glad you decided to stay with us. And I couldn't agree with you more, that the people on this site have become friends. We are there for each other like no one else can be, because we understand what what each one of us is going through. I am proud to call each of you my friend. God bless us all with peace and good memories.
Comment by Jill Crawford on July 22, 2010 at 10:08am
I wish I had known about this site when my husband died long ago. I lost my brother in 1981 when I was 26 years of age, my father in 1983 when I was 28 years of age and my mother in 1994 when I was 39. I loved my immediate family but losing my husband in 2001 was the worst. He was my everything. Donna nailed it on the head when she said that after her husband died, nothing felt "right". That's because it's not. I call on God to give me the strength and wisdom to carry on. Also believe it has given me empathy for others who are going down the same road I'm traveling. This is a wonderful site and feel as if I know some of the grieving hearts even if only by written word. For those that have recently lost your spouse, I cannot recommend grief counseling strongly enough. It helped me even when I didn't think it was doing anything. God Bless and may the good Lord give each of us peace.
Comment by Donna C. on July 22, 2010 at 9:34am
Good Morning, everyone. I haven't written in a while, but have been reading everyone's posts and am moved to contribute. Jill, I really relate to what you wrote yesterday. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye exactly either, as my husband was kept on meds and never regained consciousness after the triple bypass, but it took about 10 more days for his body to fail to revive and all his systems shut down. During that time, I got to speak to him and be with him while he was sedated and they tell me he could hear, but I never received confirmation of that. It will be the one year anniversary of Josh's death on Aug. 18, 2010. He was only 62. It seems I always need someone to listen quietly when I speak of him. I just need to tell about him, about his life, or his death, and have people listen, and then I am fine to go on, whether or not I cry. I find it interesting that even 9 years later you are telling me there are times you feel the way I do now. For those in this group whose loved one passed more receently, read Jill's post, as she describes things very well. I also noticed Jill got grief counseling, which I received too and I highly recommend it. Jill, you really nailed it when you spoke of never feeling satisfied wherever you were. That's exactly the way I have felt. Everything changes. Everything is just "not right" after your spouse dies. I also consider the grief and sadness and do not expect it to go away, but it is like a little extra thing you always carry around with you. It is one more dimension to your own life. I think it makes you more understanding of others who are going through the same thing. I know it is the worst pain I ever felt. Now that it is a year, it is less intense than before, but still constant. I am trying not to dwell on those sad last days. I know it is hard, as Jill and others describe, as it just seems to keep playing like a video loop over and over in your mind. That has thankfully grown less for me over this year, and I hope it becomes so with all of you whose loss is more recent than mine. God bless all of you who listen, and share. I thought I wouldn't need this website for long, but I find myself going back to it at least weely. It is such a comfort. Hope you all have a blessed day. Thanks for being there. Love, Donna
Comment by Virginia on July 22, 2010 at 8:17am
Hi, Everyone I hope your day is good today. so far mine is going ok no tears so far. Tom hopefully your insparation will rub off on us all. I know that is how we should all aproache our lives, god bless
Comment by Joan on July 21, 2010 at 11:09pm
Jill, my husband also died of a massive heart attack. He's been gone just a little over three months now. He had his first heart attack 20 years ago on April 1st. They told me at the time it was "the widow maker". But he survived that and had no trouble. Then on April 8th of this year he died in his sleep. It was exactly 10 years from the date of his mother's death. I remember walking into the bedroom to wake him and don't remember much after that. Some of my friends were here when the ambulance crew was still here but don't know how they found out. I am really having a bad week but they are setting Jim's headstone tomorrow and that just seems so final. My daughter is coming tomorrow as I don't think I can go to the cemetery by myself to see the stone for the first time. I've been reading where a lot of others are having a bad time now. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost a spouse and going through this horrible pain. I also feel bad that I didn't have a clue when others have gone through the same thing.

I have also heard that about it taking one year for every five to heal. My days go so slow, even when I'm busy. I can't imagine ever healing from this.
Comment by Virginia on July 21, 2010 at 6:13pm
oh jill you just busted my bubble that will be 6 plus yrs. for me god help us all maybe we should get some stock in the stock market for deppression and anxity meds we could get rich oh the thought of it taking that long is soooo depressing
Comment by kathleen caylor on July 21, 2010 at 12:37pm
OMG Jill,THat's 9 years for me!Just Give me a bullet now!!!I was doing so good,I thought,then this overwhelming sadness snuck back in.Shake it off,shake it off!!!
Comment by Jill Crawford on July 21, 2010 at 11:01am
My husband died of a massive heart attack ( slang - "the widow maker" - ironic, huh?) at age 51. No previous signs of heart problems. We had gone out to eat, came home and at midnight he woke me up complaining about his arm. He got out of bed and collapsed at the foot of the bed. CPR and paramedics later, he died at hospital. I never got a chance to say goodbye, I was too busy calling 911 and administering CPR until they arrived. Fast forward thru the funeral and the "business of death" and started going to grief counseling. One of the questions I asked was "How long before this gets better and is this how my life will always be? I'm only 46 and my life is over." The grief counselor responded that everyone has their own timetable, but her experience and research showed that for every 5 years you were together, that it would take approximately 1 year for the healing to happen. I started counting up the years (28) and thought that's 6 years to heal. How am I going to get through this? The answer is one day at a time. I can reflect back now (9 years later) and report that healing was slow and at approximately the 7 year mark, felt healed enough to sell our home and move to the town where I grew up and still have family. Since the move, the healing has sped up. I'm not living in the memories and in my mind, seeing him everywhere. There is hope and I pray for everyone's peace. The feeling I remember so well was that I was never at peace and satisfied. If I was home, I didn't want to be home. If I was out of the house, I wanted to be home. This never satisifed feeling has diminished over time and now I look forward to being home and am satisfied in wherever, or whatever I'm doing. Don was the love of my life, God loaned him to me for a relatively short period of time, but I wanted more. Even this many years later, I'll experience something and wish with all my heart that I could share it with him. Guess this will always be the way. Once you love someone with all your heart, and they are gone, there will ALWAYS be a hole.
 

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