Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: Jul 6
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019.
Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019.
Diana C, thinking of you today and praying it goes by fast for you
MARY JANE YOU VENT, YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO! THAT IS SO SAD, BUT I KNOW THAT BOB KNEW HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HIM, GOD TOOK HIM SO HE IS OUT OF PAIN HONEY.
I TOO WATCHED A FAVORITE PROGRAM LAW AND ORDER THE NIGHT THAT WAS JOES LAST , HE NEVER WOKE UP
I MISS HIM SO MUCH!! I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE HIM BACK WITH ME BUT WE HAVE TO TRUST GOD!!!!
Bob came home from hospice on a Friday early evening. Two night later Sunday night, , he wanted to watch his favorite movie, True Stories, a gentle movie staring David Byrne.and written by him also as the singer and composer
We watched the movie, and then he fell asleep. I never knew until some time later, that the brain radiation had destroyed his eye site..and he basically LISTENED to the movie..which is ok, as mr Byrne narates the entire movie. It is a gentle movie about finding love, for “People Like Us” regular people who “we don,t want freedom....we don,t want justice ...we just waant SOMEONE TO LOVE” he died 2 days later..on HIS terms...he was expected to live another month, but he decided he had had enough and those two days I watched his body SHUT DOWN. No one EVER told me this would happen..that one by one his organs would fail. If I had known this I would have just sat with him, instead of desperately trying various medical things to stop this. I DIDN,t know it was natural. No one ever told me this. I will be angry FOREVER at the hospice people for not telling me what to expect. I left the room for a minute to google something, and realized I couldn,t hear him breathing anymore on the baby monitor. I felt cheated out of being with him to say goodbye, and will always hold hospice responsible. I wanted to b with him when he left his body, but I wasn,t. Yes, I know sometimes they wait till we leave the room, but I should have been told what to watch for.
this has been a horrible unforgiving few weeks..it’s been 2 1/2 years..and I am still missing him so very much. Thank u for letting me vent.
GOD BLESSED YOU DIANE WITH I AM SURE MANY HAPPY ANNIVERSAYS, MAY RICH SMILE DOWN FROM HEAVEN TOMORROW
In LOVING MEMORY of my wonderful husband Rich, who passed away 6 years ago tomorrow (8-1-12), on our 25th wedding anniversary (8-1-87). I will miss you forever and you will forever be in my heart. Oh god how much I miss you every day of my life. We only part to meet again... I LOVE YOU!!!
Dear Trina ... It is so wonderful to see you post and thank you for being so candid in your post. It was so eloquently put and it made me feel as if I'd known you and Joseph. I wish the 4 of us could have met.
I will be think and praying for you on that day in August and I know your Joseph will be right there beside you. I honestly believe our spouses are close by. We were so lucky to have met and married these wonderful men to be in our lives and we learned so much from them and felt a love like no other. Not many people can say the same. For that I am thankful and Ernie was 65 when he passed. He passed away in April, 2011 and our 40th Wedding Anniversary was August 12th. His birthday August 30th. I know these dates are so very painful to all of us.
Like your Joseph, Ernie was wonderful with the nurses and even in pain there was a grace and dignity about him. I was so proud of him because I still have no idea how a person that knows they are going to pass away still can show their devoted love, smile and try to do the best they can and they succeeded!
I am so happy you and Joseph had the time to stay in the same loving routine until the end came. Unfortunately for myself my darling was so ill with pancreatic cancer that it was almost impossible to do so with the exception of how often we told each other we loved each other. We held hands, went for quiet walks and expressed how each of us felt. How I miss his smile, his laughter and silly jokes, but like you, I am so thankful we did have a little time together before he went to hospital. I know that feeling of not being in control to help Joseph or Ernie with the excruciating pain they went through. I am so glad in my heart I gave him permission to let go. I knew he was hanging on for me. It broke my heart in half and it never mended. I know you will go forward carrying that torch for Joseph as I will Ernie.
Although I didn't live in Alaska, I did live up in the Northern Part of British Columbia and worked for Hydro there. I loved the people and my job and I was so fortunate to have had that experience in my life as well.
Take good care of yourself my dear friend and I honestly do think of you.
Dear Deb ... I detest weekends and especially long weekends and since it's been over 7 years since Ernie passed away I really have to plan things to do hopefully with a friend or family for at least one night out of the weekend. Often family and friends just don't get it that we feel so lonely without our dear spouses and that weekends are torture. For me it's exhausting to either invite a friend over, have family over and I feel so undignified sometimes. I have volunteered and still do and go to Bible Study and I have a extroverted personality, but for some reason all these people have lives of their own and we just aren't thought of. I asked myself, 'What has change? I'm still me to a point. I smile, talk, walk, breath' and yet, I am treated so differently by all for becoming a widow. I have no idea why. I have no children and it's just myself and two dogs. Making new friends has not been easy. That is another thing I can't figure out. It's far more difficult for a woman to go to a pub like a man and talk over a drink and so many other places I would like to go, but there are always couples. It seems during the weekends you see couples walking together, laughing, holding hands and the tears still well up. On long weekends people are planning to do different things and all the things mentioned above Ernie and I use to do. Have friends over, being invited out, going for dinner just the two of us and enjoying each other and now I just feel all alone. I sure hope it changes for you and myself soon. I'm so tired of panicking when a weekend is coming up and in Canada there is yet another long weekend coming up.
Take care Deb and hope you can find a friend to do something with.
I am touched by your kind words; thank you! And I am glad that you shared your love story with me/us. I can tell that you and your wife shared a wonderful love and life together. I am very sorry to hear about her last days, but the love you shared carried her through those unbearable days. BTW, how many couples can say: "We were together 37 years before she died, each day better than the last"? You have known a great love, and that is a blessing!
So you lived in Alaska as well? Yes, it's a beautiful place and a very special one too. I miss Alaska; I think it's one of those places that leave an imprint on people.
Thanks for you wishes of peace for me on August 4th. And I wish you peace too, today and alway.
Warmest regards, Trina
Trina, you have always been so elegant. Your words are exactly as it was for my wife and me. We were together 37 years before she died, each day better than the last - like you and Joseph.
We had almost a year after first symptoms: the first several weeks after brain surgery she was regaining her speech and cognition, then a couple months of "thin fog", then slowly lost speech and cognition, then rapid loss of mobility, then paralysis, and the last four days struggling to breathe. But she was at home, and the kids had all moved back to be near. She had no physical pain, but losing her speech and cognition was torture enough for her: like Mary Jane, she loved to talk and visit with people. BTW we also lived in the arctic for a few years; loved it - visited Alaska several times (top of the world highway, Chilcoot Trail, plane).
May peace be with you as Aug 4 approaches...
When July approaches I find myself to be more restless and despondent than usual, because July is the last month leading up to Joseph’s death on August 4th. It will be four years this year that the love of my life took his last breath, literally, as he died of lung cancer. July is the month when we learned that Joseph had a short time left to live, after the four-month-long chemo treatment proved futile. We knew he had a short time to live, we thought perhaps six months. No, it was one month. Of course, we didn’t know it then. We spent July in a way as people do who know that their days are numbered. That month was a blessed month, we both did our utmost to show each other our deep devotion, eternal love, attention, and caring. Every evening, Joseph would make me one of his signature cocktails—a margarita, a cosmopolitan, or a mai tai while I would make us dinner. He didn’t drink alcohol anymore then as it would have reacted badly with his meds. Then, after dinner, we would sit on the couch holding hands, maybe we would watch one of our favorite shows, or listen to music, or just sit holding hands, very much in love. Yes, it was a magical month in spite of the excruciating pain that Joseph suffered that whole time and I had to watch him helplessly writhe in pain. In spite of the unbearable pain—physical and emotional—we would tell each other how fortunate we were to have spent 19 years with each other. We knew that some people never know true love, but we were one of those couples who had known deep love, and we were thankful for it.
The first four days of August were Joseph’s last days on earth. What really stays with me from those last days is that even when he was in unbearable pain—none of the pain meds were working anymore—Joseph was always smiling and gracious to the nurses, the lab technicians, and the wheelchair attendants, thanking them and saying a few kind words to them. I had confirmation then that I had indeed married an extraordinary man, a man who wanted to leave this life with good karma on his conscience, someone who was not going to be angry or bitter that he was dying at age 49. Joseph’s philosophy and outlook on life since I had met him and fallen in love with him until that day he died have been inspirational. And the reason I can go on living even when I wish I were dead is because he was such an inspiration. Thank you Joseph for your love, for the 19beautiful years, and the many, many wonderful memories we made together. I love you and always will.
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