Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1376
Latest Conversations: Sep 29

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on August 15, 2018 at 9:49pm

Mary.....Wedding anniversaries are tough.  I'm sending you a hug.  I hope the church mass will leave you with a sense of peace. 

Comment by Mary Nola on August 15, 2018 at 5:42pm

tomorrow is my anniversary first one without my love going to church mass said we would have been married 15 years still cannot believe this miss him so much!     

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 15, 2018 at 12:22pm

Oh, Linda I just realized I never replied to your kind post. I hope you DO start painting again...can’t hurt...and if it doesn,t work out, at least you will know that it isn,t for you anymore. I am guessing that you are older...I will b 72 next month and I have no idea what happened to my strength...but it seems to be gone...and it is only 2 1/2 years since my husband died...I was so strong then...thank you for your lovely post..I wish u the best.

Comment by deborah peck on August 15, 2018 at 11:06am

Mary Jane thank you for your kind words, I was truly blessed to have two great men in my life, they were truly the special ones, God put them both in my life path and I will be forever grateful

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 14, 2018 at 10:22pm

Deb it is people like you,who give the world love. I cannot even imagine having two loves who left this world,let alone one. But you were so brave, and so loving, you opened your heart and took a chance a second time. To give of yourself to two people makes you a very special person. There is so much more I want to say, but I don,t know how to put into words. I am so sorry you had/have to endure so much pain...but if you view what happened from a different gave two people unconditional love, and enriched their lives. Albeit, their lives were short, and left you with such pain, but it takes a very special person like YOU to have given so much love..only to be hurt twice. I couldn,t do that...but YOU must be a very special person. To have both endured the pain, and also given your love, and made their lives better, is amazing. I know you never signed up for this, and I don,t understand why this had to happen to you...but you must be a wonderful,loving person, who enriched the short lives of two people. I like to think there is a special place in heaven for people such as yourself..Go with God, my friend.

Comment by deborah peck on August 14, 2018 at 4:37pm

Mary Jane, I truly pray you recover your health soon, sounds like this trip took it all out of you but I think you are exhausted from everything going on before your trip too, I know I would be

Comment by deborah peck on August 14, 2018 at 4:34pm

Today has been a kind of a rough day, it was 30 years ago today that my first husband passed suddenly, went to bed together and I woke up about 4 am and found he had passed away in his sleep, had heart failure that wasn't detected,so Mary Jane I know it doesn't get better that it just changes and we don't get over it but I want to even though I know its not possible, my girls lost their dad 30 years ago, he wasn't here to see them thru all of their failures and accomplishments and then they lost the dad that raised them, life just doesn't seem fair, I just wish for all of us we could fast forward to a point in our lives when it will all be easier to handle. I will quit whinning now.

Comment by deborah peck on August 14, 2018 at 4:27pm

Mary Jane, thank you for what you said about my card, I use a die cutting machine to cut out pieces then I design them myself and make all the flowers, its so much fun

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 13, 2018 at 6:07pm

Sara..thank you. I remember that song...(it was Helen Reddy who sang it, and it was an anthem for women who were tired of taking the macho crap men dished out. LOL)

Sadly, I realized I don,t have the energy to roar..or do anything else...that trip really took a lot out of me...and I don,t know why. I have been taking long naps...and besides unpack and do laundry, have been pretty sedentary. I think it is just the fear, and it seems impossible to achieve. I just want to curl in a ball and wake up months from now, and have been magically transported to a new home.

but, there is one good thing...when I was in CA,I noticed my pain level was better...must be the humidity in Oklahoma..cuz now I hurt much worse..ok, I am done whining. Lol. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 13, 2018 at 5:57pm

Deb, I forgot to tell you how beautiful your cards are. Seriously! Do. You ever sell them? Do you use.  a template or just grab scissors and go? I would buy them! They are special...I have never seen any cards so lovely.

ok, now for your 15 month comment. When I read that I wanted to grow wings and fly over and give you a “mom” hug. Deb, we will NEVER “get over it”. Ever. IT, N EVER gets better...but WE change a bit...we are given moments of happiness in our ravaged lives that we feel too guilty to enjoy or even realize. We are all damaged..and always will be. It doesn,t get BETTER but it gets DIFFERENT. We will never “get over it” nor, should we..but we change and hopefully are able to face and accept the pain differently. After Bob died, I spent 18 months in complete denial. I honestly thought he was just on some long vacation, and would waltz back into the house. It was nice, not believing, but it just delayed my grief. I wish that hadn’t happened, as it set me back and I lost time I should have used to accept things. 

I have noticed on TV shows, that have written scripts where someone has died, ONE YEAR seems to be the cutoff point, where everything is better, and the bereaved should be starting their lives  over again. What a load of CRAP! Who is writing this garbage?? There was even a part of me that thought I would be better in a year...cuz that is what I saw on TV. I am so ashamed to admit this, but years ago a friends baby died a crib was the saddest thing, and as her grief DIDN,t subside after a year or two, myself and some of our other friends began to avoid her, thinking she should be over it. I had no idea. I do now.

So please stop beating yourself up...don,t feel guilty when you have happy times, and good moments. There IS NO time limit..I think the universe gives us moments of joy,to help us remember what it feels like..and try to heal a bit. I also think the universe gave all of us THIS PLACE, because it has been a life saver. And hopefully, we will think positively and not feel guilty about enjoying what we can,


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