Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: Aug 21
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019.
Deb,Yes, that says it all. In fact, I'm going to copy it and post it on Ken's Facebook page on the anniversary of his passing in January.
Steve.....I also find your post to be so true. One of my frustrations is with people dismissing my feelings in an effort to be helpful by saying "don't feel that way/Ken wouldn't want you to feel that way". I think I'll post that one on my Facebook page.
Dear Steve and Deborah,
Thank you so very much for sharing the words and the sentiments that describe grief, loss, and bereaved folks like us. Beautifully said and very heartfelt.
I have copied both these posts and will share with my family in hopes that they get some idea about what it is like to survive the love of your life.
Be well, all of you here.
One last thing...I have always kept a sort of journal,many books, different places,and years..but in every relationship..there are some rough patches..and I found a journal I wrote a bit in the mid 90,s...which wasn’t always the best time in our marriage. I was angry and in menopause, andBob was drinking...and I wrote about some of it.
i had forgotten some of this stuff, and was shocked when I read it. It was like a glass of cold water tossed in my face...when I read some of it,I remembered the anger, actions..I DIDN,t want to remember...it had turned out so well...but I was shocked, then angry, and I wish I had never found it, or read it. It was only a few pages, and I will be destroying those pages, but I don,t want to read them again...but I have to go through to find and destroy the bad parts.cuz some of the journal are things I do NOT want to forget. What a quandary.
Thank you Deb. Yes it does. Pleas, everyone, I posted a link just now, to a place I found that decsribes Widow/widower Brain...a phrase I had heard much earlier..but never had the courage to look up. When I finally found the link below, and read it..it was like someone was inside my head. They were describing ME to a tee! I urge u all to read it.
I WASN’T CRAZY! I am going to get my brain back! Last week was a grueling, busy horrible yet wonderful week..I noticed that few posted then...we havealmost purged 3/4 of the stuff inside the house! My daughter, Melinda did it all. I still have many things to go thru...but finding that article, having so much cleaned up...and one other thing which I will mention, has given me hope, lelssened my FEAR...and I know I can do this now.
the other thing that happend: in the late 90,s my mother, who never really liked me, had to be put in a home. My brother took all this on alone. I was so full of anger, that I wan,t there for her or him.she died in 2001, and I DID plan her memorial, but .for over 26 years, I have been riddled with this HUGE amount of guilt. He is a wonderful human being, was always a great brother, but I had a HUGE amount of guilt for rarely visiting, not measring up, etc..so we were speaking on the phone a few days ago..he lives in CA, and I started in again, on I AM SO SORRY etc that I was never there for him while mom, who always adored him, (but me? Not so muc..at all) I kinda dumped my whining, broken record saying it all again.I was sorry.bla bla blaa..and he started laughing!
So i guessed what he was going to say “GET OVER IT?” I said. He replied: “YEP” and laughed some more..he wasn’t angry at all, that I wasn,t there to help...He had forgiven me long ago, and DIDN,t even think I NEEDED forgiveness!!!!
I was stunned. I had carried this weight of guilt for so long..thinking I was a horrible person to my brother, one of the most decent people I have ever met, let alone be a sister to! This was HUGE! I felt the albatross*. being lifted off my neck...and that night, I started to remember things..where I put something, someone’s name, etc. That small act of forgiveness, which I had thought of every day, and he had let it go at the onslaught, was a ticket to retrieving my sanity...
* Albatross...a large bird considered good luck by ancient seamen..and the subject of a poem The Mariners Tale..or something like that..good poem.
this says it all
That was beautiful Steve. Thank you!
If you want to help a person in grief, accept you can’t just remove their heartache By even trying to ease someone’s pain, you are telling them you believe it to be fixable. Loss is never fixable. Grief is never erasable. So simply walk with them as their hearts begin heal, and show them patience kindness and loving acceptance.
Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.
Deb......Yes, I too think the second year is hard. For me, I feel like it's withdrawals...Ken has been gone long enough and I just need him back now. It could be that the first year is a blur.
Deborah, I agree about the 2nd year. The first year you are just reacting. My fog hasn't completely lifted but I do feel more clear. It doesn't make it any easier. I recently joined a couple of online groups that have a lot of members that I'm finding helpful. I'm posting the names of them on my website, stronglikebull.love. I'll put them on my facebook page as well.
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