Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: on Friday
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019.
Hello everyone. I have a question for you. Sometimes after I post, I get worried that I might have said the wrong thing, or overstepped any boundaries. There are lots of times I tend to run my (mouth) keyboard and I worry about that all the time.
I also have a terrible habit of apologizing all the time! For everything! Even stuff I have no control over! Friends and family have told me over and over to “STOP APOLOGIZING” for everything. I don,t think I was like this before Bob died...I just always feel if I say I am sorry, things will be better. Yes, I am weird. LOL
Deb, my apologies..I DIDN,t see your post. I know today is your anniversary...and it is so very difficult.
In a sense, I experienced the same feelings..so I know how crushing it is It took me 18 months before it hit me, like a blow to the head, that this was real...I would never hear his laughter or hug his solid chest, while we stood in the West window and watched a pretty sunset together..with our arms around each other we would say in tandem “A tender moment” I remember exactly where I was..walking through the kitchen, the moment realization kicked in, and the horrible pain nearly dropped me to my knees.
I will always be his wife, and he will be my husband until the day I die. That is just how it will always be for me. Sometimes, I can feel him here, so I talk to him...but lately that seems to be fading...I think it is the stress of trying to relocate..and my fears he won,t be able to find me...but that is silly, because he doesn,t live in this house, he lives in my heart, and always will.
My thoughts are with you today - your comments made me pause and reflect on when the finality and permanence of Larry's loss first hit me. It was I believe when a friend drove me home from the hospital, chatting all the long way preparing me for the fact that the lawn needed mowing but her husband was coming the next day to do it. Also the mail box had been knocked down by a car, but he would fix that too. Then she walked me in, lifting my walker for me up the few steps necessary to enter the silent house. She then left for an urgent business appointment, and I sat in the kitchen listening to the silence roaring through the empty rooms and my tortured brain. It was then I actually realized that indeed Larry was not going to ever walk into that kitchen again.
I too still feel married - of late I have had to fill in many forms asking my marital status, and when I hover over married I am tempted to check that box rather than widow/widower, but I know that would confuse them in their paperwork. Still, it is more true than the box I do check, so I get it about what you are saying.
I pray that you have some peace today, and as you reflect on 27 years that have passed, may you feel your husband by you holding you and loving you forever.
Dear Debbie ... Of course I don't mind one bit if you use that link for the nature music youtube. It's meant for all of you. I listen to it each night before I sign out and go to bed.
Jeanette ... No marriage is perfect and it's natural when two people live together usually with different personalities it's fair to say each spouse can get on the other's nerves and often arguments can break out. There may be times where we have felt our spouse never noticed us that much, not the extra hugs, kisses or 'how was your day', but it doesn't mean they don't love you. To say I love you often is to me like water running off a duck's back. It's every so often when your spouse's eyes are tender looking and they tell you they love that those words really mean something. Then, there are some men who just can't express themselves and may do something small to show they do love you. I call it the 'old slipper syndrome' where two people get so use to each other they practically can finish each other's sentences. Also life is fast pace, financial problems can come out of nowhere, not getting along with certain members of each other's family, etc. If two people didn't have at least a tiny light of love in their heart for each other they wouldn't be together. Don't blame yourself and since you are grieving then there must have been a hint of love. Otherwise you would feel free and get on with your life.
(My apologies for this post, but I am in a strange mood, and feel like calling it as I see it)
Jeanette, I could be wrong, but my guess is that a lot of us who mourn their soulmates here, DIDN,t spend their entire lives together, strolling hand and hand down the. Primrose path, while bluebirds and butterflies fluttered around them. In most relationships, there are wonderful times, and really BAD times. In the very LONG ones, especially.
In my case,in 49 years of marriage we had some wonderful times, and some HORRIBLE times! Major horrible. I don,t know how to drive a car. Wanna know why? When I was a teen, my parents (mostly my mother, who never liked me very much) said I was too distracted to learn to drive...when I got married at 20, Bob made a few vague attempts to teach me, yelling at me the entire time, then told me I was hopeless..but I knew the real reason...if I drove, I could get in the car and DRIVE AWAY if I wanted to. And there were many times I wanted to...but I couldn,t so I stayed..and things always worked out. For one reason. I KNEW HE LOVED ME WITH ALL HIS HEART. And I loved him..even tho he could be a bully, and an a$$hole, and he called the shots..at least I let him THINK he called the shots.
We were both DRUNKS, but thankfully each at separate times during our marriage...we would have TERRIBLE fights, and some years were horribly rocky...but we got through them...and I knew how he grew up..with a father that beat his mother, and him and his brothers, and he had lived in fear his entire life...and I knew this before I ever said “I DO” so I married him knowing it wasn,t going to be easy,because I knew as sure as God made little green apples we were each other’s destiny. And I was right. And as the years went on, there were less fights, less fear, I DIDN,t drink for 37 years, he began to realize I wasn,t going to leave him, and trust me...and we had a wonderful life together. Oh, don,t think we walked down that primrose path...it was more like a street in the inner city where we sidestepped the trash, rats and junkies...but we did it. That is LIFE!. Because I knew he loved me with all his heart, and during the last 20 years, it was only his irrational fears that would cause us to argue..but in all that time, we ALWAYS made up by the next morning. We never had a fight last longer than I have seen some people do..for weeks, cuz neither one wants to say “I’m Sorry”
So Jeanette, let that thinking go. Of COURSE you deserve to hurt...you spent 40 years with this man, and loved him. And he loved you. Maybe he didn,t tell you, but I bet he did. And, if the last few years you thought you were just a caretaker...you wouldn,t have stayed if you thought you DIDN,t love each other.
As for other who will read this...I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure there were some times in your lives with your partner that were rocky...we just don,t mention that out of both respect for their memory, and the love deep inside that diminishes any rocky times.
As I wrote this I was wondering if Bob was reading this, and I think he is ok with me telling these rather private things. We would sometimes use HUMOR to defuse an argument. I would yell at him and tell him he was such an A$$HOLE, and he would yell back “I am not “AN” A$$HOLE, .I am “THE” A$$HOLE”.....and we would laugh and the argument would be over.
In two days it would have been our 40th anniversary. It already hurts. Unlike so many of you I don't feel I really deserve to hurt. My husband and I weren't terribly close for many years and might have separated had he not gotten a chronic condition where he needed constant care. During the last few years it has been mostly a caretaker role. Still, I mourn him as the father of my children - and there was a time when I remember him as being filled with life and joy. Those memories are precious. Although I can't identify with many widows who are grieving a soulmate that they shared so much with, I am still grieving. I do think the guilt part is worse, wondering if something had been done decades ago to endorse reconciliation whether he would have had a happier and more fulfilling life.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom, does make me feel better that this is normal .I so love your tree Steve, such a nice memorial for Mark
Each morning when I go out to water the flowers, Mark's living memory is planted in a huge planter and as I water his Crape Myrtle tree, I say good morning to him and to Bella. The birds seem to love his tree as I sometimes startle them with my presence...they actually look annoyed at me. Since placing his tree out front Chuck and I both see a Cardinal fluttering away...Chuck goes out to feed them, I usually see the Cardinal as I pull into the driveway...make me smile when I see him.
Debbie ... It does make sense that we still feel married to our spouses. No one can take that away from us. They will always be special in our hearts even if we go into the future and things change for the better where there is some peace and joy. I knew Ernie 5 years and he passed just before our 40th wedding anniversary and he's still my husband to this day. I can deal with it though and not so upset as he's been gone over 7 years. I just talk to his ashes out loud and wish him a happy anniversary. I believe our spouses are close to us and you can be sure your Greg is.
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