Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Mary. Jane on January 11, 2018 at 10:10am

Part 2...the set up:

it was Tuesday afternoon, and was in bed, still in my clothes, for a nap. I take them often in the afternoon between 2-4 pm.  On my bed next to me,  was a small fabric house, that my cat Rudy was asleep in..I crawled under the covers at 2pm, fully dressed, lying on my right side, facing Rudy’s house. My head was resting on my right arm, and (this is important to note) my left arm was across my body, and INSIDE Rudy’s house...I do this often...he lies on my arm cuz it’s warm, and purrs and falls’s a sort of bonding...

I lied awake for an hour, unable to sleep, I noted the time then, 3:15...and I was thinking I should get up, as I was still not that sleepy...and the next thing I remember,I was standing in the foyer looking outside through the large oval window in the door. There was a multitude of packages outside on my porch...I counted 7, but DIDN,t open the locked door...I just walked the few steps to my dining room table, and started looking down at some letters etc.

AT NO TIME DID I EVER NOT FEEL MY BODY STILL LYING INSIDE MY BED. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS WEIRD! BUT I WAS FULLY AWARE THAT MY PHYSICAL BODY WAS STILL IN BED...I could feel the mattress, the blanket and MOSTLY I could feel the weight of my kitty asleep on my arm which was still inside his little fabric house. The only way I can describe it, is I felt like I had been TRANSPORTED to the dining room, while my body was still lying in bed

Ok, now you have the visual...I am sorry to be so long and detailed, but I really want to explain it because I have had a “dream visit”  40 years ago, after my father died...which is how I thought if I ever saw Bob again, is how it would be. This was Totally different...ok...that is the set up..sorry, breavity is NOT in my telling this thank you for your patience.

Part 3 coming up...hopefully in a few hours...this has been so difficult to write...but it is almost finished. Also, the fact that my cat has his full weight on my arm in bed s very Important. Bye for now

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 11, 2018 at 9:37am

Hi guys...part 2 is coming up...and thank you for all your comments..but it wasn,t like I always imagined it would I prayed since he died, for a visit. I think my absolute SHOCK at seeing him kinda ruined I couldn,t SPEAK...all during the visit, I was GASPING for breath over and over again..hyperventilating (which I have never done before in my life)

and this has left me so upset..because I WASN’T asleep...but I am getting ahead of part 2, THE SET UP is my next post.(I have spent nearly 3 Days in dis belief, and at loss for words, which y’all know is unlike me) I apologize...

Comment by David Heggi on January 10, 2018 at 8:51pm

I hope that my David's grandchildren will always remember how much he loved them

Comment by Tammy on January 10, 2018 at 8:28pm

Our 3 year old grand daughter lives with us  Since my husbands passing 31 days ago she  has wanted to sleep (in her words) "Pawpaw's spot".  So she has been sleeping with me.  I can hear her laughing and talking to her Pawpaw at night in her sleep.  She is so young now.  I hope she will always remember how much he loved her.  

Comment by Christine Blaire on January 10, 2018 at 4:21pm

Oh are so right in saying that it would be a godsend to see our loved ones as Mary Jane did! I would give anything in the world  just to know they are ok and waiting for us. It would make our having to wait so very much easier....if only!!!!! I too believe with my whole being that they are. Again....if only! I pray for us all to be able to find some peace and comfort in some way. As of yet, it eludes me.

Comment by David Heggi on January 10, 2018 at 2:48pm

I know how much you miss your Greg, Deborah.

And your grandson innocently wanting his grandpa home, had to have been too much to handle.  It would be a Godsend if we could all see our loved ones the way Mary Jane was able to see hers. It would be enough to know they are OK.  I do believe they are, and are waiting for us with open arms.

Comment by deborah peck on January 10, 2018 at 11:14am

wow could I use seeing my Greg smiling at me Mary Jane. Last night I had a total breakdown, my 3 year old grandson had been asking me all day to take a car to his grandpa so that he could come home and play with him, broke my heart and I guess it all got to me after he went home. I just really need him here, I don't feel him at all around me and I miss him, his smell his touch, his stupid jokes, just everything. I too think of ending it all and being with him but could never do that to my family, besides the fact if I did that would I really be with him or someplace else I don't know the answer to that . oh well I will stop rambling now.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on January 10, 2018 at 4:15am

Mary Jane ...  I am so happy you had a visit from Bob.  While grief counselors try to tell us it's not real, it sure is.  I have had a similar experience the first Christmas alone without Ernie. It was Christmas Eve.  I was wrapping gifts on the coffee table and something made me turn my head to the left where the wall unit was.  There he stood all 6' 6" of him with his elbow leaning on the side of the wall unit smiling down and myself and the dogs.  A big smile on his face.  What I saw was a little different than what you experienced.  Ernie looked like he was made up of millions of stars and he certainly was recognizable.  The only way I can explain it was the very ending of 'Ghost' where Patrick Swayze was saying his goodbyes to Demi Moore and being called to the light.  Crazy, seeing things, I don't think so.

I am so very happy you had this experience and look forward to your other post. 

Comment by Marsha H on January 10, 2018 at 4:07am

David ...  It's normal to wonder whether there is a larger purpose for our pain.  I've learned in almost 7 years since Ernie has passed away that yes, we have a purpose.  First, grief is a must and normal and all of us know the pain that we bare at times can be horrific.  As we grief without realizing it we are growing stronger and it may be as simple at first as getting out of bed in the morning and facing the day.  That's one big step!  Slowly I began to realize had to to go back to my own roots to when Ernie first met me and fell in love with me.  I was 'me' then and he fell in love with the 'me.'  Then we share our lives with our spouses and life changes to a degree and even though enjoyable part of ourselves changes and we forget when we first met and fell in love with our spouses.  We left part of 'me' behind and had a delightful change between two people in love.  Now that our spouses are gone each day, month or year we get up and try we learn so many things.  I began to realize I was still 'me' once again only Ernie's love was a bonus and strengthened who I was and who I would be with or without him.  I've learned to be more compassionate, not to judge a book only by it's cover, have patience, hug a family member or friend just because, tell people you love every so often you do love them.  Being strong for family or friends going through difficult times and last, but not least when we give of ourselves in this life we begin to smile once again.  

Oh yes, I miss and love Ernie very much, but he left such a gift with me of his kindness, undying love, respect and wisdom and now I know ...  I am taking what I learned from him and carrying the torch to help others be it human or animal.  Slowly my heart is once again warming up and I'm so thankful I was one of the lucky ones that experienced all that Ernie gave to me all these years.

Stay strong my friend as you will begin to see yourself shine through.



Comment by Mary. Jane on January 9, 2018 at 8:46pm

   PART 1: of Bobs “visit”

i Haven,t posted the last few days, as something MAJOR happened to me yesterday afternoon...I still am unsure how to write it down, and I am still absolutely STUNNED at what happened, and I want to get my emotions in check b4 I do...but yesterday, after almost 2 years being gone, BOB opened the front door and walked into our house. Yes, of course, it wasn,t really him, but although I was lying on my bed trying to take a nap, I wasn,t fully asleep either...I am forming the details in my head, so when I write the entire episode, I won,t ramble, and I will be as concise as possible. My daughter thinks it was an OUT OF BODY experience, as although Bob and I we were facing each other very close, at the front entrance, I was very aware my body was lying on my bed...but at the same time, I felt TRANSPORTED to the front door.

now you have some idea of why this is so difficult to write...and to explain..but I will try to organize what happened More to come tomorrow.



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