Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: Nov 8
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21.
Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22.
Dear Marsha and Sara, my family does know about my health issue, I told them as soon as I found out, I meant that I don't want to discuss it with them as I don't want to upset them or scare them so I just kinda blow it off as its nothing when I'm around them, And I do know this will all be fine in the end, just don't want to deal with this again or having surgery on my neck, thanks for all your support Debbie
Deb S.......It's nice to hear from you. I'm glad the purchase of your home in NC seems to be moving forward. It's also nice that you were able to connect with other widows. I do wish I could find a widow or two but everyone I know is married.
Debby.....I'm so sorry you have to deal with this health crisis on top on your grief. Being sick is scary enough but when you don't have your spouse by your side for support, it's so much more overwhelming. And for you to have to do this twice after the loss of 2 spouses is unfair at best. We are all here to offer as much moral support as we can from afar but I agree with Marsha that you should let at least one family member know what's going on. I would want to know if one of my siblings was sick despite what I have going on with my grief. I don't know if you have siblings but if you do, they'll want to be there for you.
Sending prayers your way.
Dear Deborah ... You certainly aren't whining hon. You have every right to express yourself to us and thank you for your honesty because now all of us can be here for you and encourage you.
I know everyone is terrified of the big 'C' word that seems to strike so many and so sorry you had to endure hearing that word twice with two different spouses. I know you feel cursed, but when in grief counseling we were all told to get complete physicals from our doctors. With all the worry of a sick spouse and our own fears no wonder our immune systems were down to almost zero. I was fine re my physical, but lost about 30 lbs., and I'm petite to begin with. Then 3 months after Ernie passed I had to go to the same hospital to have both my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed because they found a cyst on one of my ovaries and thankfully it wasn't cancer. Still I've endured so much stress in grief alone as others on here that I wonder why I'm not sicker. I've had strange rashes come and go and a bad stomach, but other than that I've been blessed. So my dear friend it is not uncommon for your body to react to stress.
Your doctor has caught this early and your chemo will probably not be long-term. You have a very good prognosis as I researched it. I am sure you know about lymph nodes and that's why they are taking some out so the cancer doesn't spread elsewhere on your upper body. May I suggest Deborah that you go and talk to your family because that's what family does ... they stick together and everyone in a family is going to have their own problems every so often and you would probably upset them more if you didn't tell them. Love of family and friends (and yes, all of us on here) can create miracles and make you feel less alone. So please reach out to your family and keep us up-dated. I have no idea if you have a religion or not so please don't be offended if I pray for you each night. You are family on here and a sister so tonight I'm praying hard for you.
You're going to make it girl and even though life doesn't feel fair I know things will get much better for you.
I'm feeling really depressed and lonely tonight, really need Greg here. I haven't said anything but the day my husband had a stroke that started all this hell I had had reconstruction surgery that morning on my nose for camcer that they got all of it, I'm not even released from the doctors care yet and I noticed this big black place come up on my neck right under my jawbone so they did a biopsy and its melanoma. So now I have to have a much more extensive surgery with lymph nodes removed too and the irony of this is right after my 1st husband passed the same thing happened and I have this huge scar on my forearm from one side to the other, I just cant understand the fairness in all of this and since Ive had melanoma twice they are talking possible chemo too. I see the surgeon on the 15th.I know I should consider myself lucky that it was caught in time but I don't know how much more I can deal with, its just all very overwhelming. I'm sorry to be whining to you all , I just needed an outlet tonight, I don't want to talk to my family as they are all having such a hard time I don't want to add to it
Dear Deb S ... What a lovely surprise for me to read your post this evening. Always cheers me up! I know how we forget how addicted we are to keeping in touch by technology. LOL
I am so happy you are loved by so many and part of it has been you reaching out. I am so proud of you. Often we forget others grieve as well; even friends. Ernie best friend has never gone fishing since Ernie passed away and that sure got me thinking. I felt selfish feeling at the beginning I was the only one hurting.
Unfortunately, no children, small immediate family that are fairly good, met some new friends, volunteer and go to Bible Study and at the end of January a girlfriend and I are going to acrylic painting classes. Oh my! LOL Fortunately, I've been deemed a good artist, but not sure how I will do with the acrylic painting (probably get more on me than the canvas. LOL)
Think of you often my friend.
Hugs coming your way
Dear Legacy friends, I am sorry I've been out of touch. I've been in NC and was without internet for about a week. Yikes - that was a reality check! I did not realize how dependent I've become on the internet until it wasn't available to me.
Sarah, I am sorry I missed the milestone of Ken's birthday on the 23rd. I hope you did as well as can be expected. I was also sorry to read about the way you found out about Ken's aunt's death. It might well have been that everyone thought you had been contacted by someone else. I think you handled it well.
Trina, I also think of you often and wonder how you are doing. It was great to hear from you.
Steve and Chuck, Congratulations on selling the house. Wowsers! I can only imagine how busy you are trying to get everything done at warp speed. Post when you can. Steve, have you received any more results on what is going on with your wrist, etc.? It must be so frustrating to endure so many tests without any definitive results.
Mary Jane, I hope you are feeling better and the pneumonia is cleared up. I totally understand what you are saying about no energy and no desire to do anything. This has happened to me on a number of occasions. I finally started to embrace those times and permit myself freedom to do nothing. My mind needed down time to do whatever needed to continue to process my new reality.
Debbie P, Sometimes I really do not understand family dynamics. It is a mystery to me why some families choose to shut out survivors, especially when those surviving are there grandchildren. I've seen it happen in my own immediate family (my brother-in-law's parents made no effort to remain in the lives of his 3 very young children). It is their loss. It is fabulous that your second husband's family absorbed everyone into their family. They rock!
Kaela, Good for you for celebrating Halloween. I know this was not easy as your memories of Halloweens past were ever present in your mind. You still did it and this speaks volumes!
Marsha, I love reading your posts! You are always a voice of reason and I truly appreciate your generosity in sharing your thoughts on grief, family dynamics, and so much more. You rock!
Chicago Beard, I love that Rose's family recognizes that you are family and are accepting of your new relationship. This makes me smile.
To all, As I mentioned earlier, I am stymied to understand family dynamics. Fortunately, my adult children have been amazing. They are loving, caring and supportive. They follow my lead and are flexible while we determine what is best for us at any specific time, especially around holidays and birthdays and other milestone events. My immediate family continues to shrink however we do try to keep in contact and get together whenever possible. My sister and I are very close. She is here now and we spend about 4 months out of the year together. I have a huge extended family and stay in close touch with a few cousins. I also have a few close cousins from my husband's family. They do not refer to me as a cousin through my husband: I am referred to as their cousin. I love spending time with them. I inevitably learn something new about my husband which fills in a piece of the puzzle that might have been difficult to do otherwise. I agree with Marsha's comment about folks who drop off to the wayside. It happens so quickly. At some point in my grief process, I was able to determine who I wanted to stay in contact with and reached out to them. They too are grieving and sometimes unable to reach out themselves. I've rekindled many relationships this way. I've also learned to broaden my group of friends. I've met many other widows recently and find that spending time with them has been incredibly healing.
I'm thinking of each of you and hope you have a good day. Debbie
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