Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: Nov 8

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on November 8, 2017 at 11:19am
Sorry about blathering away last nite. Sometimes I get tired of sitting here alone so I come here and write about nothing incessantly, because I can,t scream at God “what happened to my life?” What is the point now?
Comment by Mary. Jane on November 7, 2017 at 9:41pm
Ok, here is a better post..the set up: I am 71, 4’9” and weigh 120. So, I have found a lot of clothes at a store called RUE 21. It is really meant for younger people, but I after I lost weight, and my life changed forever, I began to shop there.
So, today I went in just to return something I,d bought online, and was talking to the clerks, and told them my age...(yes,I know they were probably BS-ing me,) but they DIDN,t believe me, and asked to see my ID!kinda made my day! LOL
Ok, this is really self centered, but my daughter made some videos of our Outer Banks trip like she did for Mother’s Day, and if anyone is interested..I would like to share one or 2 of them, when she is done with uploading them. It won,t b for awhile, as she isn,t done with them.
The trip we went on was weirdly rained every day, and her home in CA missed being burned to the ground by 10 miles and the grace of God that the wind blew east instead of west.
4 of her co-workers lost EVERYTHING...and another person was one of two people who’s homes were left untouched, while every other house burned to the ground. Yes she was lucky, but the GUILT she has being the “lucky one” is horrific.
Ok kids, thanks for letting me ramble on, and no, I have NOT PUI-ing. LOL
Comment by Mary. Jane on November 7, 2017 at 9:24pm

Hi kids. Sorry I haven,t responded to anyone’s posts..
I was watching This is Us tonight and a background songs lyrics kinda jumped out at I wanted to share it. U might have to listen till the 2nd or 3rd verse to see why it hit me.
I have been in a strange mood today, and it is cuz of this site. I know someone who’s friends spouse died about two years ago..and they aren,t doing very well, and I told them I would send my friend the link to Legacy..and I have been thinking about what to SAY in the email I want to send...and I found myself frozen.
I want to shout to the world what a wonderful place this is, and I want so badly to refer ANYONE here...and then I started thinking about BOb, and how I can,t tell anyone that it gets better, because it doesn, just gets different...and I want to thank all of you for being here...and now I,ve put myself into that weird place...I have managed to stay out of..and yes, I am better physically, thank u all for your kind words...ok, a happy post is coming next...
Comment by deborah peck on November 7, 2017 at 10:37am

Dear Marsha and Sara, my family does know about my health issue, I told them as soon as I found out, I meant that I don't want to discuss it with them as I don't want to upset them or scare them so I just kinda blow it off as its nothing when I'm around them,  And I do know this will all be fine in the end, just don't want to deal with this again or having surgery on my neck, thanks for all your support  Debbie 

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 6, 2017 at 9:33am

Deb S.......It's nice to hear from you.  I'm glad the purchase of your home in NC seems to be moving forward.  It's also nice that you were able to connect with other widows.  I do wish I could find a widow or two but everyone I know is married. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 6, 2017 at 9:17am

Debby.....I'm so sorry you have to deal with this health crisis on top on your grief.  Being sick is scary enough but when you don't have your spouse by your side for support, it's so much more overwhelming.  And for you to have to do this twice after the loss of 2 spouses is unfair at best.  We are all here to offer as much moral support as we can from afar but I agree with Marsha that you should let at least one family member know what's going on.  I would want to know if one of my siblings was sick despite what I have going on with my grief.  I don't know if you have siblings but if you do, they'll want to be there for you.

Sending prayers your way.


Comment by Marsha H on November 5, 2017 at 2:59am

Dear Deborah ...  You certainly aren't whining hon.  You have every right to express yourself to us and thank you for your honesty because now all of us can be here for you and encourage you.

I know everyone is terrified of the big 'C' word that seems to strike so many and so sorry you had to endure hearing that word twice with two different spouses.  I know you feel cursed, but when in grief counseling we were all told to get complete physicals from our doctors.  With all the worry of a sick spouse and our own fears no wonder our immune systems were down to almost zero.  I was fine re my physical, but lost about 30 lbs., and I'm petite to begin with.  Then 3 months after Ernie passed I had to go to the same hospital to have both my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed because they found a cyst on one of my ovaries and thankfully it wasn't cancer.  Still I've endured so much stress in grief alone as others on here that I wonder why I'm not sicker.  I've had strange rashes come and go and a bad stomach, but other than that I've been blessed.  So my dear friend it is not uncommon for your body to react to stress. 

Your doctor has caught this early and your chemo will probably not be long-term.  You have a very good prognosis as I researched it.  I am sure you know about lymph nodes and that's why they are taking some out so the cancer doesn't spread elsewhere on your upper body.  May I suggest Deborah that you go and talk to your family because that's what family does ...  they stick together and everyone in a family is going to have their own problems every so often and you would probably upset them more if you didn't tell them.  Love of family and friends (and yes, all of us on here) can create miracles and make you feel less alone.  So please reach out to your family and keep us up-dated.  I have no idea if you have a religion or not so please don't be offended if I pray for you each night.  You are family on here and a sister so tonight I'm praying hard for you.

You're going to make it girl and even though life doesn't feel fair I know things will get much better for you. 

Big hugs


Comment by deborah peck on November 4, 2017 at 11:22pm

I'm feeling really depressed and lonely tonight, really need Greg here. I haven't said anything but the day my husband had a stroke that started all this hell I had had reconstruction surgery that morning on my nose for camcer that they got all of it, I'm not even released from the doctors care yet and I noticed this big black place come up on my neck right under my jawbone so they did a biopsy and its melanoma. So now I have to have a much more extensive surgery with lymph nodes removed too and the irony of this is right after my 1st husband passed the same thing happened and I have this huge scar on my forearm from one side to the other, I just cant understand the fairness in all of this and since Ive had melanoma twice they are talking possible chemo too. I see the surgeon on the 15th.I know I should consider myself lucky that it was caught in time but I don't know how much more I can deal with, its just all very overwhelming. I'm sorry to be whining to you all , I just needed an outlet tonight, I don't want to talk to my family as they are all having such a hard time I don't want to add to it

Comment by Marsha H on November 4, 2017 at 5:25am

Dear Deb S ...  What a lovely surprise for me to read your post this evening.  Always cheers me up!  I know how we forget how addicted we are to keeping in touch by technology.  LOL

I am so happy you are loved by so many and part of it has been you reaching out.  I am so proud of you.  Often we forget others grieve as well; even friends.  Ernie best friend has never gone fishing since Ernie passed away and that sure got me thinking.  I felt selfish feeling at the beginning I was the only one hurting.

Unfortunately, no children, small immediate family that are fairly good, met some new friends, volunteer and go to Bible Study and at the end of January a girlfriend and I are going to acrylic painting classes.  Oh my! LOL  Fortunately, I've been deemed a good artist, but not sure how I will do with the acrylic painting (probably get more on me than the canvas.  LOL)

Think of you often my friend.

Hugs coming your way


Comment by Deb S on November 4, 2017 at 4:49am

Dear Legacy friends, I am sorry I've been out of touch. I've been in NC and was without internet for about a week. Yikes - that was a reality check! I did not realize how dependent I've become on the internet until it wasn't available to me.

Sarah, I am sorry I missed the milestone of Ken's birthday on the 23rd. I hope you did as well as can be expected. I was also sorry to read about the way you found out about Ken's aunt's death. It might well have been that everyone thought you had been contacted by someone else. I think you handled it well.

Trina, I also think of you often and wonder how you are doing. It was great to hear from you.

Steve and Chuck, Congratulations on selling the house. Wowsers! I can only imagine how busy you are trying to get everything done at warp speed. Post when you can. Steve, have you received any more results on what is going on with your wrist, etc.? It must be so frustrating to endure so many tests without any definitive results.

Mary Jane, I hope you are feeling better and the pneumonia is cleared up. I totally understand what you are saying about no energy and no desire to do anything. This has happened to me on a number of occasions. I finally started to embrace those times and permit myself freedom to do nothing. My mind needed down time to do whatever needed to continue to process my new reality.

Debbie P, Sometimes I really do not understand family dynamics. It is a mystery to me why some families choose to shut out survivors, especially when those surviving are there grandchildren. I've seen it happen in my own immediate family (my brother-in-law's parents made no effort to remain in the lives of his 3 very young children). It is their loss. It is fabulous that your second husband's family absorbed everyone into their family. They rock!

Kaela, Good for you for celebrating Halloween. I know this was not easy as your memories of Halloweens past were ever present in your mind. You still did it and this speaks volumes!

Marsha, I love reading your posts! You are always a voice of reason and I truly appreciate your generosity in sharing your thoughts on grief, family dynamics, and so much more. You rock!

Chicago Beard, I love that Rose's family recognizes that you are family and are accepting of your new relationship. This makes me smile.

To all, As I mentioned earlier, I am stymied to understand family dynamics. Fortunately, my adult children have been amazing. They are loving, caring and supportive. They follow my lead and are flexible while we determine what is best for us at any specific time, especially around holidays and birthdays and other milestone events. My immediate family continues to shrink however we do try to keep in contact and get together whenever possible. My sister and I are very close. She is here now and we spend about 4 months out of the year together. I have a huge extended family and stay in close touch with a few cousins. I also have a few close cousins from my husband's family. They do not refer to me as a cousin through my husband: I am referred to as their cousin. I love spending time with them. I inevitably learn something new about my husband which fills in a piece of the puzzle that might have been difficult to do otherwise. I agree with Marsha's comment about folks who drop off to the wayside. It happens so quickly. At some point in my grief process, I was able to determine who I wanted to stay in contact with and reached out to them. They too are grieving and sometimes unable to reach out themselves. I've rekindled many relationships this way. I've also learned to broaden my group of friends. I've met many other widows recently and find that spending time with them has been incredibly healing.

I'm thinking of each of you and hope you have a good day.  Debbie


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