Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: Oct 15

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on November 1, 2017 at 9:51pm

I'll tell you all about something that really annoyed me last week.  Ken's aunt passed away on Wed 10/18.  On Monday 10/23 I texted Ken's brother to ask if he could help me with something.  He said sure and asked if he would see me at the funeral on Wed.  My reply was that I had no idea what funeral he was talking about.  So on Monday I found out I needed to go to a wake on Tuesday and funeral on Wednesday and if I hadn't coincidentally texted my brother in-law I wouldn't have known about either.  I then emailed Ken's cousin to offer my condolences on his mother and talked to 2 other people who already knew and everyone assumed someone else had told me so the end result was that no one told me.  That's what I'm angry about.  Everyone likes to say that I'm still part of the family but when family things come up, I'm not included.    That's my griping for tonight.  I wish everyone a peaceful night.


Comment by Sara Murphy on November 1, 2017 at 9:40pm

Hi Michael......I have my 2 yr anniversary coming up in January and I expect it'll be similar to yours.....I'll keep busy but no one will call.  I will however post something on Facebook because  I want to make sure Ken is never forgotten.  I do know his friends think about him or at least I assume they must but since very few people mention his name in my presence, I can never be sure.   Marsha is right, everyone goes back to their lives because the loss isn't the same for them however they seem unaware that it's truly life altering for us.

Comment by Marsha H on November 1, 2017 at 4:06pm

Michael ...  What you are going through is very normal  My husband passed away in 2011.  I went to grief counseling and they told me the same thing, that family and friends would be there for only a short time and then they would get on with their own lives.  Unfortunately, others may miss your spouse, but they accept it because they can and we are stuck missing our spouses experiencing a great loss.  We all grieve at our own pace.

I was shocked when long-time friends of 40 years dismissed me eventually simply because I was 'not a couple' any longer and it hurt my heart to the core.  I felt so alone and it was difficult coping with Ernie's death so I do understand the 'no phone calls.'  What you do is call those people back!  They have no idea what emotions you are feeling at the time and so it's up to you to reach out.  Do it when you feel like it and not because you have to.  When you are up to it volunteer even if you work because giving back seems to speed the grieving process. 

My communication with Ernie's family is also strange.  There is just his sister, her husband and 2 grown children.  I didn't have them keep in touch with me for a long time and realized while I was grieving so hard that I forgot how his sister must have felt and was going through her own grief missing him.  Now they have me over near Christmas and my grown niece keeps in touch with me.

I have a very small immediate family and they have done the best they can with the time they have.  I sit sometimes and often ponder how I can improve my new lifestyle as much as I don't like to admit I'm not keen on a new lifestyle, but it's a necessity. 

I promise you Michael as time goes on you are getting stronger and will have a future even though you don't think so now.  Every day you get up is a day stronger. 

Just a big hug to let you know I care as do others on here.



Comment by Marsha H on November 1, 2017 at 3:57pm

Dear Mary ...

Just from my own experience as tough as it is to go through grief we have to go through it and as I got my feet on the ground 3 years later I realized grief made me stronger in many ways.  Oh yes, I do have my bad days sometimes and there are times I have no energy or feel like I want to do anything.  When our spouses were with us we had a reason to do things and it's a shock to come to the realization they are no longer with us.

Pneumonia as you know can knock the socks right off you so I think you being tired and also feeling as if you have no emotions left is the aftermath of your pneumonia complicated by grief. When we are sick we get depressed and I've been there before and ask myself, 'what's it all about.'  When you get the energy please see your doctor to change your medications for your osteoarthritis.  When in grief holidays are like a bad nightmare no matter if we have family or friends around to try to cheer us up.  I found after the 3rd year I was able to enjoy myself a little better, but our minds reflect back on when our spouses were with us and our world was complete.  Your weight loss of 7 lbs., is nothing to worry about and caused by the pneumonia.  Eventually that weight will come back.

When Ernie first passed away I use to trick my mind thinking he was at work and would be coming up that driveway at 4:30 PM and I still have his work jacket and baseball cap on the hook in the hall.  You are now in part of your grief where you have accepted Bob's death and it's not pleasant, but it's the start of the healing process of grief.  Not being able to concentrate reading or even watching TV is very normal.  I would watch TV and wonder what I missed!  I couldn't' read a book if my life depended on it.  Gradually concentration does come back.

From going to Grief Counseling they recommended that those who are grieving for their spouse don't dull the grief process by taking antidepressants, but for some, they need it.  In the past I have been on antidepressants with no ill side effects.  If you decide you need them talk to your doctor , but sometimes an individual has to find the right antidepressant.  Yes, they do work.  Be sure to ask your doctor for an antidepressant with the least side effects.  Generally your doctor when he puts you on antidepressants will check you every so often to see how things are going and it's on a short-term basis so you won't have to be on them forever.  They get you over a hump so to speak.  Antidepressants are not scary if you work with your doctor.  Because you are on other medications your doctor will give you the right antidepressant so it doesn't interfere with your medications you are taking now.  I also found while grieving I had all sorts of aches and pains I never use to have and realized when we grief every muscle in our body is tensed up and magnified. 

I am a smoker as well, but leave doors open and don't go outside.  I also have an air filter going all the time.  Yes, I've been where you are where I just don't have the energy to do much, but slowly I began to get my strength back, did more things and eventually volunteered.

Mary, I know right now you think it's the end of the world and I don't blame you, but most of us have been there and each day you get up even if you do nothing just makes you stronger.  I promise you when it's your time to move on you will and the heartache you feel in grief now will slowly ebb.  You will never forget Bob, but you will be able to cope better.

Prayers sent your way my friend.



Comment by Michael Smith on November 1, 2017 at 1:34pm

Last saturday the 28th was the two year anniversary of Melanie's passing. I kept myself busy but almost lost it a couple of times. I was told by a good friend right after her death that as time goes by people will stop checking in on me. I didn't receive a single phone call. My communication with her family is strange and hard. I miss her as much as ever.  I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Mary Jane I have been taking Zoloft since before Melanie passed. It really helped me in the beginning but I wonder if i need something else. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 1, 2017 at 11:31am
Hi kids. I will take a chance and speak for those of us who have been quiet largely. We are here...we r just not posting. For myself what I am feeling seems too hard to put into words...I think I just recognized it myself. Y,all know I got back from vacation, and in the firstb3 Days, my cat got sick, I got pneumonia and had a hard time with the medication...but last week I was better physically, but I had ABSOLUTELY no interest in anything, and zero energy. All,I want to do is sleep. Even my pain meds no longer work..(I have crippling osteoarthritis ) and I know if I got out of bed and MOVED my body, it would help me, but it takes all my energy just to make coffee and take a shower. I don,t feel sad, or depressed, or happy..I don,t feel ANYTHING.Nothing. I have lost 7 pounds in one week...maybe it is the impending holidays? Last year I was fine...but I really thought Bobs death was
All a very bad dream, and he would now I realize this is it. So I sit all alone and watch ty..I don,t even have the focus to read a book, so, maybe others are feeling like this...that posting here is too much effort..even tho the rewards are worth it.

So, I am wondering if anyone here has ever taken something like Prozac or similar meds. Did it work? Is it dangerous? Seems a bit scary to me. Ok that is it for now. I just realized my best friends birthday is today, and I completely forgot..and she never forgets mine. Ironically, I have even lost interest in smoking cigarettes! I am a regular smoker, I smoke about 3/4 pk a maybe 3-4 cigs a day. It’s just too much effort to walk to the garage or porch...I have even lit a few in the house cuz walking outside was too much trouble. Has anyone else felt like this?
Comment by Marsha H on November 1, 2017 at 4:02am

Debbie P.  

I haven't been getting some of the posts in my 'in box.' 

It is quiet on Legacy, but it just seems to go that way every so often. 

I totally understand how difficult special occasions such as Halloween and other holidays (Christmas and especially New Year's Eve) is difficult for me still.  My Ernie loved Halloween and really got into it and he also loved Christmas so since he passed I have carried on with tradition and even had two buffets before Christmas; one for my small immediate family and one for a few friends.  It sometimes feel lonely when everyone still has their spouse, but once things get going and we have a few laughs I find now I enjoy myself a little more, but still miss Ernie. 

I promise you as time goes on although you will miss your beloved that the emptiness of special occasions and holidays become less traumatic.  For now, may I suggest you set-up meeting with a friend or having a friend over during holidays or spending it with family.  It hurts for sure still, but it still fills that void to a degree of not feeling so alone.

I wish you peace.

Comment by DJ on October 31, 2017 at 11:15pm
Debbie P. It seems lately comments come in bursts. I check in pretty much every day, even though I rarely comment. I think there are several of us who "lurk".
My wife loved all these holidays, and I would be swept up in her joie de vivre. I let her talk me through them nowadays, so as to keep a bit of her spirit alive. Christmas is the hardest for me, as she had to be Santa's most enthusiastic elf.
Comment by deborah peck on October 31, 2017 at 10:42pm

so sad no one is ever on here anymore, am so glad this holiday is over, never even liked Holloween but was so hard, am dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas

Comment by deborah peck on October 28, 2017 at 11:07am

Dear Mary Jane, that must be so hard to have the last holidays with Bob marred by all of the illness he and you suffered from, I pray one day you will be able to enjoy them again.Ive always said that if you look araound and listen to other peoples stories there is always someone that had it worse than you and that couldn't be truer with the story you told me, and although this holiday season will be intolerable without Greg ,I am truly lucky that those holidays weren't in the middle of his death, thank you for your story and I hope you have a good weekend. love Debbie


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