Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Tracy van der Schyff on May 25, 2010 at 3:10pm
Dear Paul,
Thank you so much for reply. Strange how making contact with someone about 8,000 miles away from me - makes me feel like I'm not alone. And I know that! But at this moment what I feel & know are worlds apart.
I read "Grief Soup" and can relate to your statement: "I was blessed to experience a grief that was largely unmixed with fear, regret, resentment and anger". I have none of that. We got it SO right to live everyday as if our last - always appreciate each other - always respect - always show and express love, that when I woke up that morning and KNEW (yes) that he had died - I had no regrets! Still - I think it makes it harder not having the anger, only sadness and loss.
Gert was only 27, but when I look back at the 6 months, I know, understand and accept that it was his time to go. He tied up so many loose ends - it's surreal! We were together for 2 years, and a couple of days before he died he asked me whether I thought losing someone you love dearly after many years would hurt more than after a shorter period??!!
So as you can I am at peace with what happened to him, it's ME I don't understand.

Comment by Paul Bennett on May 25, 2010 at 2:01pm

Here you are among people who've had losses that are like yours, and no one has lost the person and the life together that you have lost. As strange as time is for you now, be assured that nine weeks is just a small part of the rest of your life, and your life will not always be like this. Grief, like love, changes if we let it. Can you find among those hundreds of friends, one or two who are able to listen to you without needing to fix anything, wise enough to know that nothing needs to be fixed? You are doing what human beings do when we lose people we love; fundamentally, what we're doing is to go right on loving.

I share thoughts about grief on my website,, and in my book, Loving Grief. But I encourage you to allow your friends to provide face-to-face companionship when you need it, and to hear what you need to express. Grief counselors in your area or a hospice organization can also point you to groups and services if that is what you find you need.

I hope you can notice that what is really going on now is that you are loving someone with heartbreaking intensity, and that that is a divine capacity of human beings.

Paul Bennett
Comment by Maureen on May 25, 2010 at 1:04pm
today's my birthday, my husband died May 9th and i am so sad. everyone is trying to make it nice for me, but all i do is cry. i am so sad.
Comment by Kathy Marie Luersen on May 25, 2010 at 12:39pm
Sleepless Nights: Say rosaries it will surly put you to sleep OR read...
Comment by Tracy van der Schyff on May 25, 2010 at 12:38pm

Hi there everyone... I lost the best thing in my life on the 25 of March 2010 in a motorcycle accident. It's been 9 weeks and normal does not exist anymore. I'm a robot who eats, sleeps and works - depressed to find myself alive every morning. I have no desire to live and don't know how I'll ever get through this... Even though I'm surrounded by 100's of family/friends/co-workers who really support and love me - it just doesn't matter. I'm never felt this alienated / lonely in my life. It feels like no-one really understands and that's why I "Google'd" you guys - I'm so desperate!
Comment by marilyn henderson dorris on May 25, 2010 at 12:12pm
i took risteril too after my husband died for about 6 months...i am a recovering alcoholic and made the decision to go off of it because it can be addicting..i slept walked on ambien, so i tried lunesta...i FELL down my basement stairs sleep walking, and fractured the base of my spine and tailbone!!! so..i am right there with ya babe-i am doing the benadryl thing again, but my body adjusts so quickly to meds, it is really useless....everybody has great ideas they have responded with...check with your doc-it's important to get enough sleep, especially now when grieving is SO exhausting-hang in there.marilyn
Comment by Connie on May 25, 2010 at 11:30am
Kathy, Thanks for sharing the beautiful card. I guess it really does sum it all up. I have been taking sleeping pills since my husband passed. I tried Ambien and although they put me right to sleep, I would wake up after about 4 hours and couldn't go back to sleep. My doctor changed my meds and gave me a different sleeping pill, I believe it is called Restoril. It, too, taken with the anti-depressant will put me to sleep but nothing can keep me sleeping through the night. When I wake up I take Tylenol PM and sometimes that helps. i cannot drink any alcohol but boy would I really like to right now. Benadryl does not affect me as far as putting me to sleep but it does help for allergic reactions that I get to some of the meds that I have to take. Kathy, follow your doctor's advice. If you are taking any kind of heart medications you don't want to risk a drug interaction that could be dangerous.
Comment by Joan on May 25, 2010 at 11:05am
This is to Kathy Obiedzinski:
I take a 50mg of Diphenhydramine HCI, which translates into Benedryl, which makes you drowsy. I also have a glass of wine. In about a half hour to an hour, I'm ready for bed and sleep. It's safe for heart patients. I have hypertension and I've been taking this for years. I get mine in Walmart under the Equate brand and they're called Sleep Aid Liquidcaps. Ask your doctor about taking this. It's safer than any sleeping pill on the market. You can always eliminate the wine. I hope this helps. Joan
Comment by Marlena on May 25, 2010 at 9:31am
Your card is absolutely perfect. Thanking you for sharing it with us.

As far as sleeping goes, I try not to take anything (ok, once in a while, thank goodness for advil pm), but I don't go to bed till I am absolutely exhausted. That way my body has no choice but to sleep. I don't sleep as long as I used to, but I'll take the few hours I do get.
Comment by Mary on May 25, 2010 at 9:27am
To Kathy, have you tried splitting the Simonix in half, if a whole one helps you sleep but you can't get up in the morning this may work for you. It is worth a try. You can get a pill splitter from any drug store and it is easy to do. Good luck Mary

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