Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on December 21, 2019 at 6:08am

Dear Deborah P ...

You never have to apologize for the way you feel.  Christmas in itself is emotional and all that you have been through it is understandable you feel so sad.  The funeral is  sad in itself so how can you or anyone in the family expect to feel upbeat for the Christmas Holidays.  May I suggest that you just do what you said you would do; go shopping, wrap gifts and if there are little ones in the family make Christmas about them.  Keep it low key and a peaceful as possible if you can.  You and your family will support each other and all any of us can do is be thankful for the family we have left.  I am not saying not to grieve and you have every right to.  It's so wonderful you and your family are still getting together and I hope your sister will manage to come as well.

My father passed away December 14, 1973 and my brother and his wife and Ernie and I went to her home and we just made it a short and peaceful evening.  It did help heal the heart to an extent, but my father was on our minds.  We didn't even sit in HIS chair. 

Just keep coming on and posting and please let us know how you and your sister are doing.

Big hugs


Comment by Mary. Jane on December 20, 2019 at 11:39am

Oh Deb, I am so sorry you are having to go thru all of this..I didn,t have  a funeral for Bob..his wish was to be cremated then have his ashes scattered at a place near a cliff in California, on the beach at an ancient Indian shell mound. It is still on our  “to do” list, as the shell mound was purchased by the state of CA just b4 he died..(which he knew b4 he died) so we don,t know if this is possible, but one day now that I am back in CA we will attempt to do. In a way it is a blessing as it will now preserve that land from tourists and commercialism. It is an ancient site of the Olhone Indians...and I am not sure if I can climb down the cliff like Did in the past, so his remains remain safe here with me, until later.

Enough about will get thru this, and Christmas, in reality, is just a day on the calendar..when we all think we r supposed to be happy. This might surprise you, and be a somewhat nice time...with your family talking about all the good things about your brother. HE knows u r doing your best..please don,t feel guilty. 

I am not a big Bible person, but in bad times, I think of a phrase I THINK is from the Bible.and it helps me: “AND THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS”. We are here for you, my friend.

Comment by Steve G. on December 20, 2019 at 9:26am

Deborah P

Any funeral seems too long, some of the things we do as humans do seem to draw out and drag our emotions to new heights.  Life does go on and we adapt, for me my sadness goes and goes when I remember my sister, my dad, my mother, grandmother and grandfather.   I look up and I have one Aunt and Uncle left and a handful of cousins, most of whom I only see on FB.

Like you, I have my favorite Christmas movies and for a while my thoughts are lifted.  One of my most favorite of all is "Mame", there is one song  called "we need a little Christmas" always make me happy and yes I usually am wiping a few happy tears away.  Sounds silly to some, but I am a fan of any movie that has a happy ending.

You need not apologize to any of us for feeling down, give yourself some attention, watch your movies, even give yourself a present.

We are all here for you, nothing you can say will upset or offend any of us.

Take of yourself first, the rest will fall into place.

Much love and many hugs to you!


Comment by deborah peck on December 20, 2019 at 9:10am

Although my family will all be here for Christmas day I just want it all over with, Ive tried really hard to get into the Christmas spirit this year but instead just feel this overwhelming sadness, I know I am truly blessed to have family all around me when some have No one. today we lay my brother in law to rest, two weeks after the funeral. Jefferson Barricks military cemetary finally gave the go ahead, seems like it just never ends with this death, my parents and my first husband are all laid to rest at this cematary  so I will be putting pointsettas on all their graves, maybe after this is done I will feel more like celebrating, we will see . Don't mean to sound so down, its just been the longest funeral Ive ever known and now the holidays are here . So tonight I am going to do some shopping, coming home to wrap presents and watch Christmas movies which I love but seems so wrong when I know what my sis is going thru, but as we know life goes on.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 19, 2019 at 2:32pm

   This Christmas time has been both an odd times, but sprinkled with good things, but I feel a sense of having almost lost something that I feel is still here, but I cannot find it. 

Bob hated Christmas.. I LOVED it, but cuz it annoyed him, I rarely played the radio..I just sang all thru the was impossible for him to curtail my singing..but he controlled the radio and CD.s

soooo, this year I have been playing music for weeks, and heard bits of a wonderful song..which I thought was NEW. It wasn,t Cheesy or my SHOCK it was by Emerson, Lake and Palmer..1975! I discovered it is .called Father Christmas..and finally played it on You Tube..and he words blew me away. To me, it kinda of fits my life, and loss and hope for accepting it.

So I give you this link, and urge you, if u r unfamiliar with the song, note the last verse.I think this is Bobs Christmas gift to me, from wherever he is.

Comment by Steve G. on December 19, 2019 at 12:37pm

Christmas will be me and Chuck, no tree, just candles in the window and a wreath on the door.  This year will not do turkey or ham.  Instead, we splurged for two nice steaks.

New year's eve we will watch the festivities on TV.

We all deal with this time of the year as best we can.

It passes and each new day is a gift.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 19, 2019 at 11:16am

No, Virginia’s..everyone is NOT spending the holidays as Madison Avenue would have you believe, swilling eggnog, carving a turkey, opening gifts, as they watch the gentle snow fall. 

I too, will be alone with my cat on Christmas Eve, and day...I also have two tiny trees, (and a wreath that was a gift on Thanksgiving).

I was GOING to buy a small tree for this new dwelling..but it just seemed like too much I didn,t.I still have moving boxes unpacked as my energy level tanked, so I sure as hell didn,t  have the fortitude to decorate a tree.LOL

You are not alone...a large percentage of people are just like us...we are spoon fed a diet of a fantasy Christmas by the media...when truth be told, it just isn,t like that for so many people. 

Yes, this year I will be near my daughter but we have no plans,at Christmas, as we are attending an out of town wedding two days after Christmas..but on the 24th and 25th I too, will be alone. So let’s all,Post HERE  on those days..for (pardon my pun) “comfort and joy” Maybe we can get our kitties to FACE TIME with each tho I doubt they would be interested.Lol.

Comment by Marsha H on December 16, 2019 at 4:31pm

Steve ...  Thanks so much for the recipe for pear cake.  It sounds so delicious and I'll follow what you recommend.



Comment by Steve G. on December 16, 2019 at 1:20pm

P.S. It was deliciously decadent.

Comment by Steve G. on December 16, 2019 at 9:08am

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