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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Steve G. on December 23, 2018 at 8:56am

My dear Mary Jane,

The holidays are hardest for all of us.  For me it starts each week before Thanksgiving.  Mark had had several bad days that November of 2014.  The week before Thanksgiving, he asked if we could have our Thanksgiving dinner early.  He was feeling better and wanted Turkey and all the fixens early.  So that is what we did, he was so happy.  He ate turkey sandwichs every day.  Thanksgiving came and went and I could see him getting more and more depressed and spending most of his days in bed.

He suffered a few of his seizures and each one left him more exhausted.  Thanksgiving was on the 27th, he passed 3 days later.  Christmas came and I had to move out of our Apt on Jan 4th...a pre arranged agreement with management we made in October so they could remodel our apt.  We agreed to take the one on the first floor just beneth ours.  I managed with help from friends from work.

One week later I went home to my family in Florida, came back to Texas just in time for his birthday, Jan 19th and back to work.  

I believe Mark knew and wanted to pass on, he was ready, I was not.  February came and I found this site.  I posted my grief and read the responses.  The weight of it all lessoned, I began to heal, while not ever realalizing it.

Keep posting Mary Jane, it helps, even when it appears quiet.  There is not a day that does not pass without me thinki g about all of us and especially about our dearly departed.  We all keep moving forward together.

Love and hugs dear sister.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 23, 2018 at 8:09am

I hope this lack of people here means everyone is having good days, or too unglued to post here. I am the latter. I have been going thru 50 years of photo,albums. I have two more albums left, then I tackle the loose photos. 

Weirdly, my cat has developed an infection...he used to get anal gland infections, but hasn,t had one in EXACTLY one year! So I am taking him to the vet this morning (Sunday). It is the only day I can get a ride, or they will be open. This isn,t even my regular vet,.they r closed. He isn,t too bad...ordinarily I wouldn,t take him..but I know if I don,t he will get bad and I will have no way to get him medical attention. My niece is driving 40 minutes to take me..and they said it would b an hour wait. 

i have the weirdest feeling that he developed this by “feeding off my stress”, which is at an all time high. I know dogs do this...but a kitty?  

No wishes for y’all yet..I will b posting all day tomorrow...lol.

Comment by deborah peck on December 20, 2018 at 11:28am

Mary Jane, no it isn't you, I watch the Christmas movies but they don't make me happy like before, its a hard time of year. I fell a couple of weeks ago and sprained my knee, not getting better so they are going to do an MRI, and then I had a sore on my other leg, next to my shin bone and turned out to be skin cancer again so had surgery 2 days ago and now am in  a cast from my toes to my knee, third surgery sent Greg assed away, think my body doesn't care anymore. I am telling everyone that I am excited for Christmas this year but in reality Im dreading it. I pray that one day we will all enjoy our lives again, its been 18 months for  me so I figure will be awhile. but love to all of you

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 18, 2018 at 1:08pm

Oh, Diane...I feel what you feel. We r all supposed to be happy, and buy useless presents that take so much effort, and all these cheesy Christmas specials..which seem to have lost something...it is probably me.LOL. I am sorry about your mom. That is the biggest fear my daughter has, and I do too...having to go somewhere and have minimum control over my care, with strangers...That is how my mom lived out her last years...but is seems like your mom is n a good place. 

Then, added to the mix that this is the season to be happy...what a crock of DOO-Doo. The “cherry on top” is we miss our partners so badly...it is overwhelming. All we can do is believe wholeheartedly that things will get better. Caring for and providing for animals is a wonderful way to make each day better. Last night I went to a small Christmas gathering...with a wonderful array of goodies. Sadly, their dog has been diagnosed with cancer...with maybe a year left ...but with that news, trying to restrict his food intake (except for very dangerous things like chocolate etc) isn,t an issue...and he was a very good dog, but milling around the tables with wagging his tale, being given food, happy, mobile, and it was the most wonderful experience...he liked the sliced ham the best. He lifted my evening...so keep helping the animals ... I think helping them is the most wonderful medication for the soul...I wish you all things good.

Comment by Diane C on December 18, 2018 at 11:27am

Marsha,

So good to hear from you on the site. Love your stories... Glad to hear you are having company over for the holidays. This past year I had to move my mom (84) and my uncle (82) to nursing homes. Of course they both opted for different places.... so I spend all my free time between both nursing homes. Yesterday I went to see my mom and the local catholic church was hosting an afternoon party. They adopted the entire nursing home and provided gifts for all. My mom can't get out of bed, so Santa made a special trip in to see her. She lit up like a Christmas tree when she saw him. She was very confused yesterday which is so hard on me, but we managed through it. My daughter will be stopping over next week and that will be the extent of my holiday. I told her over the weekend that the holidays just aren't fun anymore. I am sorry to have said that to her, but I really can't wait for all of it to be over with. I try really hard to make it different, but it just doesn't work. Went to a wedding over the weekend and missed Rich so darn much. He should have been there with me. Oh well, not a darn thing we can do about it at this point. Take care and enjoy your holidays!! Love what you are doing with the local animal shelter. I picked up our dog shelters' wish list yesterday when I got Zoe's license. I will provide them with what I can. That should lift my heart temporarily.... Love to you!!

Comment by Marsha H on December 13, 2018 at 5:41pm

Mary Jane ...  sorry to tell you that you are quite normal re the spiders.  I detest spiders with a passion and I've had to kill large spiders since Ernie's passing.  It's not that we are robotic, but they are not  here to do it for us so we get into a routine of getting rid of them.  I went to get into the shower one night and as I opened the bath curtains this spider came flying by me like a trapeze artist and I was sure it was in my hair.  i grabbed the bath mat and was swinging like Babe Ruth hitting a home run and then I lost that sucker of a spider.  I finally found him at the end of the bath tube and I took the shower hose and flushed him down the drain and you guessed it, put the stopper in the drain part to be sure he didn't come back up and pick a beef with me.  LOL 

Comment by Marsha H on December 13, 2018 at 5:35pm

Dear Mary Jane & Trina ...

I read your posts re the heartbreak of selling your homes and move away and I do understand it's another form of grief.  Here is a true story that may help both of you.

When my father passed away and my mom was all alone in the house that my brother and I grew up in and moved closer to me it was a sad time and a big change.  There were so many fond memories inside the walls of that house.  Then when Ernie's parents passed away they tore the house down that he grew up and again, fond memories within those walls and even after when he met me; the laughter, so much fun and life was good.  Then in suddenly dawned on me that it's not the house at all, it's the people who lived in it making memories.  I honestly believe no matter where you move to that our spouses are still right there with us and set into a routine like we do.  Our spouses are in our hearts and close to us and nothing can come between that.  A house is not a home without the people in it.  The rest is fond memories and material things.  Hope this helps.  

I am in a situation where i live in lower mainland British Columbia and our homes here are so high in price.  I live in a small rancher on a fairly large piece of land.  If I were to sell I would only have to pay close to a million dollars for some condos (which I detest) and a small rancher with less property would be the same.  Normally we would sell our homes and hope to have money left over from a sale of a new home.  No true anymore at least here.  So, I did the next best thing and took out a reverse mortgage.  I had no choice.  Many people are in the same situation and no place to move to as everything is so expensive here.  I love my home, but if younger I would sell it and move into another rancher with a small piece of property, but at my age it's not plausible.  

Remember my dear friends ...  it's the people in the home that make that home!

Lots of love

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 13, 2018 at 5:20pm

Dear Trina ...  You are so kind and I appreciate the nice compliments.  When I don't see postings from certain people I pray they are finally settling into 'happiness.'  I have been super busy and ups and downs like everyone else.  Just getting things ready for Christmas and doing my dog shelter volunteer work.  Also have friends for a Christmas buffet and another one for my family.  This old gal ain't what she use to be.  LOL  

You hang in there my dear friend and I do think of you and others on her often.

Much love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 13, 2018 at 10:00am

Dear Trina, your post IS here...thank you so much. I DO feel as you did..that Bobs death was easier than this next step. I have already donated his clothes, and I think this entire thing would be easier if I wasn,t forced to list my house before Lenders will agree to lend me money for a new place..and they aren’t really motivated to lend money on a mobile home...they think I cannot afford both the mortgage plush the space rent...but that isn,t true. I have my savings, but do not want to use them to pay cash for a home.Factor in the COST of homes in the SF Bay Area...a mobile home is all I can afford...plus Bob wa an artist, and I have close to 100 FRAMED pieces of artwork, and a GIANT box of UNFRAMED art...that has to be removed from my walls b4 I can sell this HUGE house...sell or give away a lot of bulky furniture...I have already donated at least 100 boxes of stuff to charities, and everything is just overwhelming. Plus my daughter has been very patient, but this patience is wearing very thin.

I have heard the the universe/God never gives you more than you can handle..and this entire thing would be easier if I was younger and stronger..I was SSSOO STRONG when Bob was sick, and he died..but I think I used up all my strength for those 4 months. I also lost 20 pounds, and shrunk 3 inches in height. 

I feel diminished,overwhelmed and this is going to take a lot longer than my daughter hopes. And, I am not getting any younger..LOL.

so, thanks for letting me vent, and thankyou for sharing your experience and painful memories...I hope your life is much easier now. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 12, 2018 at 11:43pm
Mary Jane,
I wrote a long reply to you but for some unknown reason I don’t see it anymore. It got lost in cyberspace.
I will write the response again tomorrow when I have more energy.
I can relate to your situation completely as I had faced a similar situation two years after Joseph’s death.
Sending you prayers for courage and perseverance. Hang in there!
 

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