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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on July 1, 2014 at 2:29pm

Georgia ...  I was where you were when I came onto this forum 3 1/2 years ago and all of us have a very tough journey of grief.  You should never feel guilty for being here.  Going through grief leaves us with all sorts of emotions; bargaining with God to have  one more chance with our spouse, fog-like state where nothing feels real and you find yourself thinking it's all a bad dream and your spouse will be home soon, family members not understanding how traumatic having a spouse pass away on you, some friends slowly deserting us while getting on with their own lives, tears and fears, anger our loved one passed away leaving us feeling the way we do, sometimes finding it difficult to keep your religious faith if you have one and eventually reality strikes and so we go on healing.  The first few months after my husband died is a blur to me and I can only remember certain things, but that is the brains way of coping with the trauma.  The second year I found myself getting things fixed on the outside of the house and tried to balance my life, but nothing seemed to work out for me and in my third year I have had to face reality and now I'm out of that fog-like state.  It is far more difficult when you don't have children and also as I do a very small immediate family.  I was also shocked at some long-time friends deserting me and now having to start making new friends which isn't always easy and also trying to keep busy.  I do believe without us always realizing it we simply get stronger as it's the survival instinct in us and I do believe our spouses are right there next to us.  I still can get frustrated, have my cries and sometimes feel very over-whelmed.  I'm a senior and that's a burden added to grief as it's tough to find work and our government has cut-down on many programs one can volunteer for.  I keep taking one baby step at a time and holding onto the fact that miracles do happen.  Right now I just feel so lonely without my husband and hope one day I will meet a nice companion even if it's on a friendship basis so my social life opens up more.  The upside is you are humbled and have more empathy for others and realize that material things don't mean much and I cast my eyes on the blessings I do have such as this forum, my dogs (fur-babies) who keep me getting up and walking and for a few loyal old friends and some new ones.

My sister-in-law said my brother mentioned how lonely I must feel without Ernie here and I am, but she told him what I told her ..  I use to get mad at him for leaning against the door frame I just cleaned of finger prints when he got home from work and I've give anything to see those finger prints again so I know what you mean.  We can't blame ourselves as we're only mortals and couples get on each other's nerves every so often, but now we know the small things we got huffy about mean nothing.  That's another lessen not to take life too seriously with the small things in life.

Hang in there Georgia and you're going to make it. 

Hugs (because you need it)

Marsha   

Comment by Marsha H on July 1, 2014 at 2:12pm

Georgia ...  Thank you for your post.  I am surprised that some on here who had a loved one pass away from pancreatic cancer did so in a matter of months as my husband was diagnosed in the early part of 2010 and had to live with that until he passed April 27, 2011.  It must have been hell for him and I kept busy researching to any miracle and I think both of us were I such shock it didn't really occur to us that he would pass away.  Life is unfair and no one knows why and that will be a question there is o answer to.

I hope you are having a better day of it Georgia.  You are in my prayers as are all on here.

Comment by Marsha H on July 1, 2014 at 2:08pm

Carol ...  Great post and yes, loss is unfair and even the way we age is not fair.  I have just told my friend I was perplexed that when we were created why didn't we just have an expiration date on us and when our time came we just hit the deck.  I will never understand why so many loved ones have to suffer or, why the aging population has to lose their dignity.  'Why' will never be answered.

You are so right that we should enjoy those around us we love and tell them often we do love them.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on July 1, 2014 at 2:02pm

Chicago Beard ....  I am so sorry to hear about your friend.  I know this doesn't help, but thankfully your friend didn't have to suffer over a year with pancreatic cancer like my husband did and is finally at peace.  I know that's not much consolation.

My brother and his wife came to visit me last Friday and he was saying that not so long ago he was looking at obituaries where older folks were passing away and now it's people his age ... family members and friends.  It is certainly a reality check and makes each day precious to live to the fullest as best we can.

Comment by DesertDove on July 1, 2014 at 1:12pm
So true Carol.... especially sad leaving young children behind. that's got to be the worst. sending healing thoughts to everyone...
Comment by Carol Kayser on July 1, 2014 at 1:02pm
So sorry for everyone's recent losses. It gets harder to bear and we all feel more vulnerable.
My husband's mother died of pancreatic cancer at 32 years. She left behind 3 young children. He was 12, one sister 7 and one 17. It pretty much destroyed their family. My husband shares his burial plot with his mom in California, overlooking the Pacific Ocean.
Loss is never fair, never right or never understood. We always ask ourselves "why". There are no answers that will satisfy us.

Hugs to all and keep your loved ones close in your heart.
Carol
Comment by DesertDove on July 1, 2014 at 12:49pm
Hi everyone.... Sorry to hear of yr loss Chicago Beard
my sister passed away fm pancreatic cancer too. Same
yr as my husband 2012. Seems like so many r getting that one. We all hv so much loss as we r getting older. so hard to deal with. especially for those of us who don't hv adult children makes it harder again sorry to hear the sad news.... take care
Comment by georgia on July 1, 2014 at 10:54am
Marsha, I so sorry your husband had pain ,. My husband did not just weight loss about a month before diagnose. Have a good day .
Comment by georgia on July 1, 2014 at 10:48am
Mikef, Marsha, I don't know how you two handle it , but I feel so guilty ,just for been here.
My husband was so healthy ,never smoked,drank and was always watching what he eat. He was always so careful because his dad had diabetes .
He had a funny sense of humor which used to annoy me , I would say that to him.
How I wish he was here to annoy me again. I miss the bad and good times.i miss everything .
Thank you both .
Comment by Chicago Beard on July 1, 2014 at 10:04am

I just lost one of my best friends of over 25 years to pancreatic and liver cancer. Took less than two months from diagnosis to his passing away. Another hole in my life.

 

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