Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum


Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Debbie R on May 28, 2019 at 6:36pm

Thank you Sara.  It is very early for me and what a journey it's been.  When I woke up this morning I thought to myself "Gee, a year ago today Tommy and I would have been snuggling right now." (5:30 am).  He used to walk over in the early hours and we'd snuggle and chat and then get up and get our day started.  Little did I know that would be my last snuggle ever and boy did that hurt.

The folks I see out and about are the couples.  The ones holding hands or just together.  Last week I was near a couple in the grocery store and the wife says to the husband "Honey I'll be over in the cereal aisle."  I almost broke down in tears.  Nothing is the same anymore.  But the worst is the ones I see fighting and bickering over crap.

Two weeks ago at the garden center I saw a couple going at it like pit bulls over what color geraniums they should buy!  The wife was the worst.  I felt like telling her "Do you have ANY idea what you have standing here in front of you?!??!" but of course I didn't.  I just thought, what a waste.  Not that Tommy and I never argued but the wasted time I see now really makes me sad.  I see this stuff a lot and just shake my head.

I planted dahlias by Tommy's grave on Saturday and then put some by his little sister who is a few plots away.  They were his favorite flower.  He used to take care of Annie's grave so now I'll do it for him.  She was only 32 when she died in 1987.

His mom passed last Monday and his sister called me to tell me.  I feel awful for her.  She and Tommy were very close as was he with his mom. She was a sweet lady.

Sara, thanks again for your sweet words.  This is a bad week.  Here's a hug  0


Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2019 at 3:44pm
Debbie....Yes, I find it so hard to see people out and about doing their thing. The first few months after I lost Ken, I couldn't understand why they would even want to....why did they WANT to walk their dog, WANT to go for a run, WANT to go shopping etc. I couldn't imagine ever wanting to do anything again or even remember why I ever wanted to do anything in the first place. The world simply stopped turning for me but no one else got the memo. It's better now as far as that's concerned but I still have the guilt of living. You're still very early on in your grief journey so don't put too much pressure on yourself. Many people seem to think fairy dust is sprinkled on us at the 1 year mark and "poof", the grief journey has ended. It doesn't work that way. I'll be thinking about you on Friday and we'll all be here to help you through the day.
Comment by Debbie R on May 28, 2019 at 2:55pm

Sara, it was indeed a loooooooong weekend and you took the words right from my mouth.  I should have been celebrating like I did last year with Tommy but I didn't.  Friday will be one year and seeing people out and about together is getting harder by the day, especially on holidays.  And at the garden centers :(

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2019 at 2:32pm
30 years ago today I received the greatest gift of my life when I became Ken's wife. This past 3 day weekend was such a long weekend knowing that we would have/should have been celebrating. We likely would have gone away for the weekend. I'm trying to think of today as if it were any other Tuesday but it's not working. It's been 3 years but I still can't believe he's not here.
Comment by Debbie R on May 28, 2019 at 2:18pm

Mary Jane - Following the latest on your weather down there for the past couple of weeks makes me so sad, it's incredible.  I'm so glad you and your kitty are ok but like others said, please see if you can't get someone to help you take her to the vet.  She's relying on you :)  I hope you find all the peace you deserve in California and I'm glad you have family there.  A definite plus when moving.

I hope anyone else living down there is safe and sound and stays that way.  I guess Steve and Chuck are down there?  I don't know since I only started reading here less than a year ago so I'm sort of in the dark.  Deb P, it sounds like you've had your share of horror with the flooding and I hope you and your family are all ok.

Aside from this disastrous weather I hope everyone is hanging in there as best they can.  Keeping you all in my prayers.

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2019 at 9:23am
Mary Jane...I can't imagine how scary it is with all the tornados and flooding around you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think heavy winds are the scariest part of any storm but tornados are a whole other ballgame. I pray that you and your home remain safe and that your home sells quickly. You'll feel so much better and safer when you're in California with your daughter.
I'll repeat what others have need to apologize for venting. I don't consider it venting, I think of it as talking to friends as you would it person. There may be some miles between us but we're here to help and share in your life.
Please keep us updated and let us know that you're safe. Same goes for Steve and Chuck as well as anyone else living in that area of the country.

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2019 at 9:14am
Hi All....Sorry I dropped off for a bit. We had an extremely busy quarter at work and I fell behind in reading the posts. Although I was reading them, I felt I was too far behind to comment on posts from 2 weeks prior. I have been thinking of all of you.

Steve......I remember you posting that poem previously. I've now printed it because when I read it, I can imagine Ken saying those words to me. Thanks for re-posting it.
Comment by deborah peck on May 27, 2019 at 11:24am

Mary Jane your life sounds truly chaotic right now, We have had numerous tornadoes hit done here in Missouri, thankfully none next to me but the sirens all the time and storm warnings are very scary here, the weather here is crazy too, they just took the barricades for flood water down on my street and now they are back up again. Moving across country is very intimidating but it sounds like its just about over for you, Im very proud of you for continuing with this quest of yours and am sure you will be much happier to be near your daughter mine are my life line. Life can get messy but you are doing it be PROUD,

Comment by Steve G. on May 27, 2019 at 8:06am


OMG, that is enough to scare anyone of us.  Please never apologize for posting, we have all had to do that more than once.  For me, posting and venting is like a pressure valve, may not change things around us, but it does help to calm us.

North Texas and the pan handle have been in the sweep of all the tornadoes.  Where we live, some of the storms have been severe, but not anything like what we see happening to Tulsa and other states.  One night a few weeks back, we were under a Tornado watch, hail warning and possible flash flooding.  Chuck jumped up and went from room to room, I causally asked, what are you doing and he said "looking for my Ruby Slippers, we can't go to Kansas with them.  

Praying that your home sells fast so that you and Kitty can get back to California.




Comment by Marsha H on May 27, 2019 at 5:22am

Mary. Jane. ...  Wow!  What a time you are having.  I feel so badly you have to go through this and where I live in B.C., we don't have anything like that ... yet!  Records for weather are being broken all over the world.  

I am so happy where you live you have been blessed, but it must be terrifying for you and your kitty to hear all that noise.  

I am so happy to hear that you found a house in California.  You must describe it in your next post.  At least they don't have tornadoes there.  

Mary, please ask a neighbor to drive you to the vets because anal glands that are infected are very serious.  Either that or see if a vet can come to your house (will cost you extra of course) but your kitty can't go on like that.  I know, one of my kitties had the same thing.  It's also very painful for them.  I was lucky at the time Ernie and I drove her to the vets.

Never apologize my friend for venting or long posts.  That's what we are here for and you're family so here I am!  LOL  

Big hugs



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