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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Carol Kayser on December 18, 2013 at 3:35pm

Dear Marsha - thank you for your wise words of wisdom!  I am so impressed of you doing that dinner, that was amazing.  You need a pat on the back too!  I was really glad to read your buffet went well, congrats, that's a big step for you.

Yes, I know about the lonliness, it is very hard - and now I am so worried about my friend's husband.  She called me on the weekend and I was out with Abby and I called her back as he was in hospital.  I eventually ended up talking to him and he just started crying, bless his heart, and we were crying on the phone and I told him I loved him and Jack and I loved him and it was so sad.  I know in my heart he does not have long to be here. 

What a beautiful day out here today, but I am hearing snow on Friday!

 

Big hugs,

Carol

xoxoxo

Comment by Marsha H on December 18, 2013 at 2:55pm

 Dear Carol ...  Give yourself a well deserved pat on the back for organizing that task at work because it is exhausting.  If you remember I helped serve over 120 single mothers and their children so know that is much more exhausting than my buffet.  I just look at myself and feel exhausted!  LOL

I hope you have a great Christmas with family and it sounds like fun. Large families do help coping with grief. 

As far as your granddaughter Abby the quote 'out of the mouths of babes' comes to mind because they are so innocent, honest and loving.   I am happy for you and yes, she is your best friend and you are making so many great memories for her.

True, there are others far worse off than some of us, but loneliness rears it's ugly head for those that don't have family or very small families and it makes all the difference in the world. 

I know my sweetheart is with me and I cling onto that.  I do the best I can with what I have. 

I wish you and all the best throughout the holidays season and pray hard that 2014 will bring us peace, love and a renewed sense of ourselves.

Love & Hugs

Marsha    

Comment by Marsha H on December 18, 2013 at 2:45pm

Jerry ...  Merry Christmas to you and all the best in the New Year.

I am so pleased you and your lady friend are together as loneliness is the worst part of grieving.  It' wonderful you have decided to share your life with her.  I wish you the very best.

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 18, 2013 at 2:05pm

Hi everyone, first time I have been able to read posts, because not that mine was fancy or anything like Marsha's buffet (smile) but had one at work that I was tasked with organizing, and it was fun but exhausting!  Add to that shopping, buying things for the work Christmas hamper, the granddaughter, I am too pooped to eat almost! well there were those shortbread cookies, nummy!

This is my last week at work and then blessedly I am off.  It will still be busy but at least I can dance to my own drummer LOL...

We are having my husband's sister and family to Canada for Christmas - skiing vacation.   My eldest daughter and her boyfriend are doing all the organizing and then myself, younger daughter and granddaughter will spend Christmas Day here and then meet them for family time, and snow fun.  So this year I am feeling much better about Christmas time. 

Barbara - grandchildren are amazing.  I am to the point where my little Abby is my best friend, if I can say that! Well we do so much together, have fun together and just the other day, I was carrying her and she said to me "grandma, guess what"? "I love you".  The best gift ever.

Christmas is very challenging for each of us, in different ways of course but I do think the love that surrounds us shines through, because as my daughter often reminds me, there are always those who are far worse off than we are.  I think appreciating the very small things in our lives are those of value, so a special smile, a hug, helping someone through the holidays, these all add up to helping us to feel a sense of joy and reward. 

I know my darling is looking down and smiling as we find our joyful moments because he is enjoying them with us.

My wish to all on the site is for a blessed Christmas and a peaceful and good New Year of 2014.

Love,

Carol

Comment by Jerry on December 18, 2013 at 11:32am
To all the members here,I would like to wish you all the best during the Christmas season and the coming New Year. It will soon be 4 years that my dear wife Karen was taken from me. I want to say that there is hope for us all. As I have told some of the friends I have made here,I met a lady friend and we have hit it off in the past few months.it took quite a bit of time to to accept a new person in my life,I knew her for more then two years before I realized I didn't want to be alone.my family and friends seem to be happy for me .we all have to do what feels right for ourselves.
Comment by Marsha H on December 18, 2013 at 5:48am

Barbara ... what a wonderful thing to say about me being your role model, but don't bet all your money on the nag.  LOL  I sure still have my days and having gone out of my comfort zone I won't lie about feeling very weird and can't quite put my finger on why. I think with the rush of events during the holidays and after New Year's Eve everything comes to a grinding halt and that's going to be tough for many of us as January isn't my favorite month even though my birthday is in that month. 

As far as coming out of my comfort zone it's a feeling I have to 'do or die' and I am sure when the time is right you'll know when you need to come out of your comfort zone so don't worry about that Barbara.  I'm at the point in my life where I have to do something as my energy level is rising and I need to get back into society again and with family and friends.  I know how exhausting it is as we just don't know where our grief will take us during the holiday season. 

I agree that it's far more exciting seeing Christmas through the eyes of children as it brings back a little of the magic we once use to feel.  I am so sad Ernie and I couldn't have children and at least there would be part of him there.  I miss having nephews, niece and Goddaughter being young again.  Your children and grandchildren are part of Chris so enjoy every minute of them my friend.

Your grandchildren will know about Chris.  When you are feeling better make up a nice album of family pictures and a few bios like I did for my brother and he will pass them down to his two sons.  That keeps us all immortalized.  One day you will be able to do that. 

You never ramble Barbara nor does anyone else.  We forget sometimes this forum is just to say what is going through our minds and that's a good thing.  I'm so happy I've made you feel a bit better and that makes my day!

You hang in there chickie as you're going to make it!

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 18, 2013 at 4:54am

Mac ...  Thank you so much and if I can make you smile even once then it makes me happy.  I think of you often my friend.

I know the position you are in Mac and I have a terrible weight loss, but you know what ... my thoughts are 'if you don't like what you see then don't look at me.'  I have low self confidence believe it or not an have never felt so low since my Ernie passed away, but I know he would want me to get up and get moving so I'm trying.  It's not easy having had that first buffet, but ready for the 2nd one this Saturday and there will be just 5 of us so I've got all my ducks in a row and I'll be able to sit down and enjoy my guests.  I may even have my first drink of the year (love white Russians) but seldom drink.

You will know in your own time Mac when it's time to come out of your comfort zone.  Try to enjoy your grandchildren and know they are part of your babe as well.  I only wish Ernie and I could have had children and at least there would have been part of him here.  I have no doubt our spouses are with us in spirit. 

I find coming up to my 3rd year of grief the months seem to drag as well.  My energy level is coming back, but one problem, I have nowhere to go sometimes.  LOL  I am trying to figure out how to get back into society and with the living, but it's not an easy task.

I think 2014 will be a good year for you and others Mac.  Hang on my friend for all is not lost. 

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on December 17, 2013 at 8:34pm

Marsha, dear -- you are a wonder!  And, if a 66 year old woman can still have a role model, you are it, for me!  

I have been going through such a rough time, emotionally -- and I know just exactly how you felt with the "bees buzzing" and feeling kind of out of the mainstream and irrelevant, but knowing it was no one's fault and very glad that folks were enjoying themselves -- but, kind of like being neither "here" nor "there" -- not sad, exactly, but certainly feeling out of step with others.

Anyway, I think you are so brave to move out of your comfort zone and I hope I will be able to do that too, someday.  Right now, I find myself just too exhausted for socializing -- the girls and grandkids will come on Christmas Eve and I am so looking forward to getting it done and over -- what a sad way to feel about Christmas!

I have two younger grandchildren, Jack and Rachel, and while they won't be here this year, they are my Christmas joy -- the older grandchildren are all pre-teen and teenagers and adults, now, so there' s not quite so much fun and excitement with them, though they live closer and I see them more often -- still, there's nothing like seeing Christmas through the eyes of little ones.  

Jack is 5 and Rachel is just 16 months.  I am so grateful that Chris got to see her and hold her before he got sick.  It was just two years ago, at Christmas, that my daughter and her husband announced that Rachel was on her way.  Chris and I were so thrilled.  Chris made the crib that she sleeps in every night -- it makes me feel good to know that she has something from her grandpa -- though she will never know him.

Ah!  Here I go rambling, again!

Just wanted you to know how much your post helped me --  

Hugs

Barb

Comment by Mac on December 17, 2013 at 5:14pm

Hi All, Marsha I love all your emails I really look forward to them I check them first thing in mornings and I open the one from you first "" Its good to see alot of you are trying to enjoy the Christmas Hoilday and I know it is the birth of Christ but just can't seem to get into it. Marsha its great that you are strong enough to have too parties and so glad to see you enjoyed the big one. My daughter wanted to put up our little tree but what is the use if there is no one to enjoy it and besides it would have to just sit there until someone had time to take it down. We are going to get together a few days before Christmas to give the little ones their presents from Grandma and hopefully they can just stay home on Christmas day and start their own tradition. It just seems like these months are draging more than last year. Babe died in 2009 and the years just get harder ( not easier) and longer I just do not want to be here I do not belong without my spouse, just doesn't seem right.

Everyone have a good Christmas and maybe the New year will bring us all some kind of peace.

Hugs to All

Mac

Comment by Marsha H on December 17, 2013 at 3:00pm

Well everyone, I had my first big Christmas buffet this past Saturday (out of sync since Ernie passed away as he would help me) but got it done.  I started off by having my family and my loyal and good friend and her husband over so a total of 7 people.  Everyone enjoyed the tree and all the decorations and the roaring fire in the fireplace and took pictures of it all.  Although pleased I was exhausted!  Everyone was laughing and having fun and I got to sit in on some of the conversations for a bit every so often and suddenly I was shocked and realized I didn't have much to say.  Grief sadly takes away our ability to regain status in society and thus, what is there to talk about at times.  I was smiling and joked the odd time, but oddly enough all the talking sounded like a thousand bees humming and I had to retreat into the kitchen.  It wasn't out of sadness that my Ernie wasn't there (I think he was spiritually) but, it was a lot for me to handle, but I wanted to do it. I had to come out of my comfort zone. The buffet was delicious and I got high compliments and the next day phone calls saying what a wonderful time all had.  I believe it was worth it.  No, I didn't enjoy it like I would if Ernie was here, but there were moments. 

I have another smaller buffet (2 couples .. friends) coming over this Saturday.  Talk about a brute for punishment.  LOL However, it's do or die for me and I'm not going down without a fight.  Like many I do have my times where I cry, talk out loud to my sweetheart and wish he were here and of course these functions exhaust me, but I still feel it was worth it all. 

I will be going to friends for New Years and there will only be the 3 of us so I'm comfortable with that.  I am 'in a mood' right now since the buffet and coping with that, but it's important to get out of that comfort zone and the more you do the more life opens up to one. 

I wish all of you as much joy as you can muster up (I know it's difficult) and hoping 2014 is a good one for us all.

Much love & peace

Marsha

 

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