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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Marsha H on November 19, 2013 at 3:32am

Dear Melissa ...  You didn't give the impression at all that you weren't happy with being on this forum.  It is sad for the rest of us to see new members join and dealing with their raw grief such as you are and we always welcome and encourage those that are freshly grieving to come back and draw from our strength as we all go through the grief process (some of us are into our 2nd and 3rd year.) 

Here is a link http://www.sharecare.com/health/stress-reduction/article/coping-wit...  I hope you read it so you will know what is normal regarding grief.  Grieving for a spouse (only next to losing a child) is the most heart-breaking of all.

When you described your husband I had tears in my eyes as it reminded me of my husband who was 6' 6" tall and he would give me a bear hug and say almost the same thing to me when I was done and I felt safe; nothing could harm me as long as he was there.  Your husband was a wonderful young man and believe he is close by watching over you.  Talk to him because I sure talk to my husband.  All your feelings are making deals with God are very normal and I've gone through it and still go through it even though I know what I'm asking is impossible.  It's very normal to go through this hon.

I am so glad you realize you were so lucky to have your husband in your life even if it was too short a time because all of us on here were very lucky as well. The old saying, 'It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' rings true for all of us.  People can be married and be miserable, but all of us had good relationships with our spouses (not perfect because we aren't perfect) but loving and a caring relationship where we counted on each other. 

We are all trying to 'reinvent ourselves' to find out our strengths and believe me when I say Melissa you have more strength than you can ever imagine.  The pang of your fresh grief will slowly ebb, but we all have to grieve as it's part of life no matter how painful it is for us.  Little by little we will find that peace. 

Did you ever wonder why you landed up on this forum?  I have a feeling God and our beloved spouses made it happen because here we are gathered together helping each other through the pain and every so often you see hope, even laughter on this forum and witness grief subsiding for some.

Hang on there Melissa and keep coming back because we're here for you.  There is nothing you can say that would ever upset us.  I can still get angry that my husband was taken even at 65 so I totally understand why you are so angry that your husband was taken at such a young age. 

Big Hugs

Marsha

 

Comment by Deb Wells on November 19, 2013 at 2:01am

Mark,

I hope you befriend me.   I am going out on the limb and say we all feel your pain and grief.   It has been 17 months for me and I am still in limbo.  I am glad to see you have joined grief support.  Reach out to people, let them know you are hurting, be frank with your feelings.   Don't give up!!  You will find your own path soon, and follow it and along the way, you will hear the birds sing once again, you will acknowledge the trees shedding their leaves, you will hear the rain drops and feel the sun.  Your pain will become less and you will be able to feel and each day become a little more alive.  Take One day at a time, okay?

Comment by Deb Wells on November 19, 2013 at 1:44am

Dear Melissa,

Reading your posts bring back memories of when I first lost my husband almost seventeen months ago.  This is superb site to talk and express your feelings.  Lots of support and lots of hugs.  I am so sorry for  your loss.  Hugs.

Comment by Carol Kayser on November 18, 2013 at 10:36pm

Marsha, no kidding, Abby is an old soul, LOL!!!  Gees, I am expecting that too, I honestly think she is chanelling Jack sometimes, tee hee.....

She is amazing and I thank God for her every day. 

Love,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on November 18, 2013 at 10:35pm

Hello Diane C.  How are you and how's the weather for you? Your new car, how is that going?  Did you house finally get repaired to your standard? We haven't heard for a while.

So far no storms where we live but I've heard we are in for some snow this winter.  Nothing like the east coast though...

Hope you are well,

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on November 18, 2013 at 10:31pm

Hello Robin, so good to hear from you and that your vacation with your mom was a success and you had a good time!  That's great.  It sounds like you are finding your footing now and enjoying the daily little things that encourage us - a good cup of coffee is definitely worth a smile!

It's good you are close to your mom, you have your own private support network:)

Take care and keep doing what you are, you are sounding well and that is nice to know.

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on November 18, 2013 at 10:27pm

Dear Melissa, so very sorry you have to be here with us, but also glad you did find us, as you will see you are not alone.  This site has been a God send to me, that's for sure.  It is a safe place you can share, no one will tell you you shouldn't feel that way or challenge you.  We are here to offer love and support and anything we can do to help.

I lost my husband 3 years ago and I never thought I would be able to get on with my daily life but it does happen, slowly but after travelling through some hard times I now feel at a level of peace.  There are bad days, there always will be, something will trigger a bout of crying, maybe feeling helpless, that always seems to get to me. 

Your description of your loved one made me smile, it reminded me of my sweetheart.  He was taller than me and always made me feel better and loved.  I think that is really the whole thing Melissa.  We are unable to feel that safety any longer of being with them.  I do believe though that they are around us giving us those ethereal hugs:)

Come back often and don't worry, you can't say anything wrong!

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Melissa King on November 18, 2013 at 8:47pm

Thank you, Marsha, Diane, Wilela and Barbara. I am sorry that my earlier post seemed to say I didn't want to be here on this site. I mean... I guess I don't want to 'need' to be here on this site. But I think I meant I don't want to be in this place in my life. 

I do feel so very confused, hurt, angry, shocked and I can't even sort the feelings out most of the time. Thank you all for understanding me, but I am so very very sorry that you do. That you have been through what I am going through to get to that understanding. I want to hug each of you.

Marsha, one of the things I miss the most about my husband is that when I got upset he would wrap his arms around me and kiss the top of my head and say, "I love you, girl. Everything is going to be alright." And I believed him.

I don't know how to describe him. He was wonderful, beautiful, loving husband with a razor-sharp wit. We were married for 23 years. I met him in church when I was just 11 years old and we married in the same church 8 years later. 

I had something truly wonderful that most people never get to have and I am angry that it was taken from me too soon. I want him back. I get stuck in that thought for hours sometimes. I try to think of other things, but I keep coming back to that thought. I need him and want him back. I would give anything to have him back. I have begged God and tried to make every deal I could imagine. But, here I sit, typing about how lost I am without him.

Thank you all for listening and responding. It helps. I didn't know that it would. I have never really participated in a forum before. Even though, I have had a pc since before laptops existed. I guess I have never had a strong enough desire to find 'someone like me'. So if I make a mistake please let me know. I don't want to cause any hurt.

Love and prayers,

Melissa

Comment by Marsha H on November 18, 2013 at 7:03pm

Carol ...  Abby is an 'old soul' as I've often told you.  She is a sweetheart and I laughed when she said you needed a man in the house.  'Out of the mouths of babes.'  Next thing you know she'll be setting up dates for you so watch it!  LOL

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on November 18, 2013 at 6:59pm

Dear Melissa ...  My deepest condolences with the passing of your husband at such a young age.  You have come to a wonderful forum that I joined in April 2011 when my husband of almost 40 years passed away.  I was a mess and in a state of non belief and in a fog feeling very hopeless just like you are.  Like angels we all fold our wings around each other offering hope and encouragement so please keep coming back.  As Barbara said no one judges another on this forum.  We just let out all our grief or if we need help getting through the red tape after our spouses passing and we are an extended family and now you are one of us.

I know that heartache as if someone pulled your heart out of your body, fear of the unknown, where to go for help, finances, etc.  We've all been there.

I would like to suggest to you right now to get either one-on-one grief counseling or you can go to Hospice Counseling and it does help many.  You get to physically meet others in your situation.  Also, choose a close and dear friend or relative (female/male) that you can discuss how you feel.  I am blessed to have a girlfriend who has kept me going to where I at long last can function 90% and I have a ways to go yet, but it all takes time. Cry as often as want and talk to your husband as I know they are near us, hear us and help us.  I still talk to my husband out loud in the privacy of my home or in my car every so often.  I still can cry over small things even and wonder who I am and what is my future, but thankfully these feelings are more controllable in my second year of grieving. 

We are here for you hon so lean on us.  There isn't anything you could say we haven't felt ourselves. 

I wish I could just hold you tight and tell you everything will be OK (it will be even if you don't realize it now)  but a cyber hug is the best I can do.

Big hugs

Marsha

 

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