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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Carol Kayser on October 15, 2013 at 6:21pm

Marsha, thanks!  Oh yes, I was absolutely exhausted afterwards and plus i spent the next day cleaning/re-arranging/re-organizing, whew!!!  I couldnt keep my eyes open past 8:30 LOL.

Good to hear - I think we all have gravy failures!  I will take all tips I can on the gravy - Jack never used anything else but the drippings/flour and water and a little cornstarch but I think the turkey i cooked (it was one you don't defrost and it is pre-stuffed) and you just pop it in the oven) doesn't have as many juices and then Steph put in too much flour too!  Well it can only get better:)

You were smart about your crescent rolls!  Great idea - I know you wanted them to be perfect.   I will attempt to make some Christmas cookies to take to Whistler so I will take you up on the parchment paper!

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 15, 2013 at 6:15pm

Dear Robin, welcome here to this wonderful supportive group of friends. So very sorry for your loss and it is so new for you. As you can see by reading the posts, we are all on different stages of this grief journey but we all understand and can offer support and virtual hugs too.
I can just say small steps, take deep breaths and if you feel overwhelmed then just step away and take care of yourself. As Marsha says, I am sure you and your mom can do something after Thanksgiving and she will understand. Its the being together and sharing that is important not the actual day. Hopefully the rest of your family will step up for you.

I think you are making the right decision too, waiting a while until you visit the cemetery. I too believe my darling is with me in spirit and it certainly makes it easier to get through each day.

Come back often.

Hugs,
Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 15, 2013 at 6:11pm

Hi Stacey - thanks for remembering us - I know Canadian Thanksgiving isn't nearly the huge deal it is down south....my husband and I used to go to his cousin's and it was a really big deal, combined of course with the shopping! I've been thinking of taking a trip across the border (I only live 15 mins away from one) to see about the Black Friday bargains...mind you I might need a big bodyguard to shield me from the crowds, LOL....
It was awesome to have my little granddaughter Abby running around the house too, just made it more fun:)

So glad you and your little man are getting out and having a positive experience. Good luck with the car shopping, let us know how you make out.

Hugs,
Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 15, 2013 at 6:07pm

Chicago Beard, always here for us!! so nice to know you keep up with everyone...:)

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 15, 2013 at 5:50pm

Dear Barbara, my thoughts and prayers go out to you for this week. You are incredibly brave to travel down this road again, while grieving your beloved Chris. Your sister will be truly grateful and to have you to talk with, albeit difficult conversations I am sure means the world to her. I truly hope you continue to find the strength to love and support her and her son. You are their miracle.

As Marsha says, I am sure you miss the rest of your extended family, and I hope you are able to reach out to them in some ways, via Skype perhaps or on line. I don't know if you are a Facebook person, but just a hint about reaching out to relatives/friends. If you have access to a camera on your computer/laptop you can "skype" now through instant messenger on Facebook. I have done it with my sister-in-law in California and it is pretty cool. You just feel closer.

Hugs,
Carol

Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2013 at 2:52pm

Chicago Beard ....  I can feel your we eyes scanning the posts!  LOL  Bless your heart!  I have never forgotten you were the first one to welcome to this forum and I can't thank you enough.  It has saved my life literally when I've felt like giving up because of people like you.

Big hugs

Marcy

Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2013 at 2:50pm

Dear Barbara ...  I know you must miss your children a great deal since they live in Canada (I live just outside of Vancouver, B.C.) and we have already celebrated ours.  My husband would help out as well and now I just don't have the energy or my mind wrapped around big dinners any longer.  I am aiming towards a week before Christmas to try a buffet instead for family and a few friends. 

You are so brave Barbara and very kind during your own grief to think of your sister and what she is going through and this is a huge emotional time for you. It seems for many of us since our spouses passed away that we are faced with other tragedies in our lives and I can't understand why as grieving takes up so much energy. I am so sorry you are having to deal with the grieving of your husband and now, believe it or not, grieving for your sister already and I know like most of us would feel it's difficult to know we don't have control over making those we love get better.  May I make a suggestion by saying that there are many caterers out there that actually cook turkeys and deliver them it to your home and that would be a big help and give your more time to talk with your sister instead of feeling exhausted. It's more important you visit and talk over things than the actual meal.

It is so kind of you that you are taking your sister to the Oncologist and I know just how difficult it can be for you after going through a difficult time with your husband as it opens old wounds.  Not long after my husband passed away I had to go to the same hospital, many of the same areas of the hospital my husband was in for surgery and I was terrified and didn't want to be reminded of the pain, but, suddenly the day I went I was as calm as could be and matter of fact.  I know you will do just fine being there for your sister and bless you for being there for her.

Barbara, I have asked the same question as to why my family is going through so much so soon after my husband's death and I know I can be strong.  My brother has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and it's made more complicated because he's diabetic and also is on blood thinners and could have a danger of a blood clot so he is seeing an Oncologist to try a different method 'Radiation seeds.'  He is my only sibling and he's 6 1/2 years young than myself.  I often wonder why God puts these obstacles in our way and try to find the reason without much success.  I know these things can make us stronger, but we do need a break every so often.

I can't begin to imagine how you must have felt regarding your sister's conversation about what she wanted for her son, but she does sound like a realist and had planned well for what lays ahead for her.  I know you must feel you are going through another nightmare of worry and mixed emotions. You have a great attitude Barbara that Chris would want you to do what you do best ...  being kind, being strong and being there for those that need you.  That's how I try to live my life. 

You certainly have my prayers and I always believe in miracles.

Take care Barbara and don't forget to rest yourself when you  have the chance.

Big hugs (because you need it)

Marsha

 

 

 

 

 

Comment by Chicago Beard on October 15, 2013 at 2:05pm

Even though I do not comment near as often as I used to I too start my day to read what folks are posting. Sometimes, like today, I am moved to make a comment but rest assured I am with you all every day even if it is only as an observer. This site did more too help me with my grief than anything else I involved myself with. 

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 15, 2013 at 6:26am

Thanks to Robin and Diane C for your prayers -- and to Anna May for friendship and the uplifting verses.  I try to start my day, each morning, by coming here to this forum -- I am so grateful for the sharing of  those who have made it through their holidays, anniversaries and milestones -- it lets me know what I may expect, it helps me feel "normal", and it encourages me to face the days ahead.  

Missing Chris so much and so fearful for the future --

Barbara

Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2013 at 5:54am

Diane C ...  Thanks so much and I'm proud of those who have either gone out for dinner or the BIG ONE ... cooking it.  Even when my husband was alive I wasn't all that great when it came t cooking turkeys ... either over-done or waiting for what seemed an eternity for it to be done.  Never the same twice and I'm considered a good cook.  LOL 

Yes, we do reminisce over our spouses not being with us, but I have to say after 2 1/2 years it has been a bit easier for me, but very lonely and of course I know he's with me in spirit, but there is still that hole when it comes to seating at the dinner table that gets me.  If this keeps up I'm going to have to get one of those male blow-up dolls to sit at a chair!

You bet that parchment paper works like a dream!  You can generally get it of course in the bakery department by the wax paper, tin foil, etc., and if not there look further down the baking aisle.  It's wonderful for making buttery cookies as well.  REMEMBER, put the cookie sheet on the middle rack as well. 

I pray and hope things are going easier for you my dear friend.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

 

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