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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: Nov 8

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mark A. Mandel on October 24, 2013 at 9:18pm

Friends,I joined this site and this forum about two years ago, after losing my wife of 39 years to cancer. We lived in Massachusetts for 20 years until moving to Philadelphia in 2003. Our gravesites are all up there.

This past June I went back there to unveil her headstone, a Jewish tradition marking the end of mourning. Her best friends in Massachusetts were there with me, and my oldest Massachusetts friend, and my sister who came up from Texas for it, my daughter, and my cousin. We said a selection of the traditional prayers and blessings, and we all spoke briefly about our memories of her. Then I unveiled the stone, inscribed with the traditional elements – her name and dates in English and Hebrew – and the words that came to me at her funeral:

ALL OF HER THAT'S MATTER IS HERE

ALL OF HER THAT MATTERS IS IN OUR HEARTS

We each left a pebble on the stone before leaving, a traditional way of indicating "You are remembered". And I kissed the stone: as I said then, the closest I'll ever come to kissing her again, except in my dreams.

And for me the effect of that kiss was ... I was going to say "almost magical", but I'll say it without qualification: It was magical. With that kiss, I felt the burden of mourning leave me. I will always miss my dearest, but I am no longer weighed down every moment of every day.

During my mourning, I found this group, this forum helpful, but more helpful to me were my congregation and my other friends, both realspace and Internet. That is no insult to you; I think it's just something about the ways I interact with people, about what's realest to me. But I haven't read or posted here since I don't remember when, except maybe right around the unveiling. When I logged in tonight I was going to withdraw from legacy.com, but now that I've been "talking" to you, I think I will stay around at least a little while longer after all.

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 24, 2013 at 7:02pm

Dear, dear,  Diane C -- You are always there for me -- with kindness and understanding.  Thank you!  

Marsha H -- You are so right -- it does seem that it 's the women in the family that are the glue -- at least it's true in my family.  If it weren't for me and my two sisters I don't think there would be any connection at  all with our remaining 3 brothers and their families.  We have lost 2 brothers and our mother in the past 10 years and Mom made us girls promise we would all stick together after she was gone -- I guess she knew the boys wouldn't.  

I went with my sister to see the oncologist on Monday and the news was not good -- he explained that the cancer was in the lining of her lung and there is no way to surgically remove it -- he gave her 9 months to a year -- what can you say to that kind of news -- I just held her and let her cry.   At 49, she is just 3 years older than my oldest daughter, and she has a 14 year old son.   This is devastating to her and to us.  Of course, my two daughters and I will support her -- and my other sister has said she will come when needed -- it's just so hard -- so hard.

Comment by Marsha H on October 24, 2013 at 6:48pm

I know some of you are trying to envision my stories, so I'm sending you this link because this is something that could have happened to me, but without my teeth!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=sls5M5YWIOQ&feature=youtu.be

Comment by Diane C on October 24, 2013 at 6:48pm

Marsha,

I like your way of dealing with my brother!! I am feeling the same as you. Days of being sad and depressed and crying off and on. Today was our first day of snow, and that caused me issues last year and again today. We didn't get much here, but others in neighboring communities got 3-5 inches. I have a new car this year, and I need to get some weight in it. It is a teeny tiny Kia Soul. The tires spin in the rain, so I can only imagine the snow. Yikes!! We have some bags of sand out in the shed, so I think I will see if the neighbor will throw them in the back of my car. Will have to wait and see what happens!!

Comment by Marsha H on October 24, 2013 at 6:17pm

Diane C ...  I'm so sorry your brother didn't visit your father.  I have learned many years ago it's the women in the family that are generally the glue that keeps things together.  I quit a job to look after my mother and both Ernie's parents.  Time to have a little chat with your brother one day. I honestly don't hesitate when things happen like that.  This year now that reality has set in my brother (he's a real sweetheart actually) who is retired never came to visit me and never phoned so one day I just phoned him and let him know how much it hurt me.  We talked and I didn't realize he had health issues, but now things are looking up and he phones me more often and says 'I love you.'  Give your brother good old heist in the rear-end Canadian style for me and that would be ... sideways!  LOL

Hang in there girl.

Love & Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on October 24, 2013 at 6:12pm

News!  My last too brain cells conked out.  I went and got a push-up bra, came home all excited and realized I had nothing to push up so back it went! 

No offence to anyone on this forum ... sometimes just taking time out to joke is far better than crying.  Having unusual days of crying off and on for some strange reason, but I'm up and about and causing trouble.  LOL 

Comment by Marsha H on October 24, 2013 at 6:10pm

Diane C ....  Yup, my last two brain cells are spluttering and when a woman forgets to put in her teeth ... watch out!  Whatz next.  I have this vision of me forgetting to get dressed and getting in my car to do errands ... an ugly scene that would be.  Dogs and raccoons would be coming from far and wide eyeing bones! 

I think that guy got his info, had a laugh and I'll never know who he is.  I love the twin sister bit, but Ernie always told me 1 of me was enough!  LOL  Isn't it sad you live in a neighborhood and don't know most of your neighbors. I am careful answering the door (have a locked screen door don't open it unless I know he person (not even women.) 

Ya know I love ya girl!

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 24, 2013 at 6:01pm

Diane C ...  You are such a smart-butt!  LOL  Ahhhhhh, me thinks it could be Satuddderday!  ROTFL

 

Love you too and hope things are going well for you.

Marsha

Comment by Diane C on October 24, 2013 at 4:31pm

Hey Marsha,

What day is today?????

Love you!!!

Comment by Diane C on October 24, 2013 at 4:31pm

Oh Barbara,

How I totally understand what you are saying. For the longest time, I could not even say Rich's name without bawling. It was longer than your 6 months. Give it time, with time you will be able to say Chris' name, and talk about him. I agree that coming to this forum makes it much easier to get your feelings out. It has really helped me to come as far as I have come in the year that Rich has been gone. There are times, even now that when I go to talk about Rich that I get choked up and have a hard time getting through the conversation. But it is not as often. I know people hate to hear that with time, it does get easier, not better, just easier to handle. For some it takes longer than others. I wish you the best in getting through the rough hills, but smoother roads are ahead. Take care Barb.

Hugs, Diane

 

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