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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: 15 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Frank Andrews on October 26, 2013 at 7:14pm

Barb,

  I agree that you spoke for all of us about our feelings. I often wish that I would just go peacefully in my sleep but certainly cannot say any such thing in front of family members. We all lost parents or other family members and know that with time there is an easing of the grief. My sons and grandchildren will grieve over my passing BUT THEY WILL GET OVER THE GRIEF and get on with their lives as we did with our relatives. Losing a spouse is just so completely different and just simply can't be understood by others who have not lost a spouse.

  I have strayed away from religion and prayers but will say a special prayer for your sister hoping that a miracle happens  and that peace will somehow come into your lives. 

  My anger has never been directed toward my wife for passing but will always be toward the arrogant doctors who caused her  death. We cannot rationalize any anger towards our spouses because they certainly did not want to leave us.

  I am certain that all the angels on this forum have your sister and your family in their thoughts and prayers.  Hugs.

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 6:28pm

Hi Robin,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time right now, going through the anger stage. I along with Wilela have not gone through this stage. I am sure it is yet to come, but so far I have not had this. I have been very angry at God for taking him from me, but I have not been angry at Rich for leaving me here. As you said, you will get through this, but it is so damn hard. I hope you are able to get through this phase quickly. It is so hard when you do not have anyone in your close circle of friends and family to understand what you are going through. Just remember, we are always here for you.

Hugs to you!!

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 9:34am

Barbara,

All I can say is WONDERFULLY SAID!! Thank you.....

Hugs to you!!

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 26, 2013 at 9:03am

Something I have noticed is that those of us who have lost a life partner no longer fear our own demise -- instead, at least for me and some others here on Legacy -- we look forward to a reunion with our loved one.  My family doesn't understand that this is not a "death wish".  I know I will go on -- somehow -- and I have no intention of speeding that day or ignoring my health.  It just means that I have seen death, felt it close to me, left a part of my heart in the grave, and no longer fear it for myself.

Helen, dear, I know exactly the feeling you describe -- at age 66, having had an amazing marriage with my best friend and having lost him, I too feel that there is no place left in the world for me and that I am worth nothing.  I watch as others in my family go on with their lives and I cannot find my place, there, any longer.  I am a mother, a grandmother, a sister, an aunt -- and I love my family, deeply, but I see myself as a hanger-on, someone without a partner and without a future.  I am not old, but I feel old, used up and without purpose.

As my sister faces her own last months of life -- I say, " Why her, why not me?  I am ready.  I am worthless, here, and she has a young son to raise.  Why not me?"

On the one occasion when I said these words, out loud, (I say a lot of things here on Legacy that I would never say out loud) my oldest daughter became very upset with me.  She said, "Mom, how can you say that?  Don't you know how much you mean to us?"  And I understood that I was upsetting her . . . and stopped talking about it.

She just doesn't understand the total emotional burden of carrying on, without him, though I know she is sympathetic and cares.

Yes, Helen, I sew and knit -- and cook and clean -- and try to make it mean something.  I try to make SOMETHING, ANYTHING, important enough to make me go on.  I need more in my life than this constant grieving, but I have no mental or emotional reserves to invest.  I think there MUST be a purpose for my existence, but I can't find it . . . can't find anything that matters, as Chris mattered, in my life.  

I keep hoping that it won't always be this way -- I have always thought of myself as a "get-up-and-get-on-with-it" kind of person.  I did that years ago, after my divorce.  I had to, for my children.  But, now, I just can't.  There's just me -- and this purpose-less existence.

My pastor has offered me one-on-one counseling, Hospice has also offered and there is a group at a local church.  But, I just don't want to hear the platitudes -- I know them all by heart.  It doesn't help.

I have rambled here, this morning, and maybe I am a little better for having some place to ramble.  I am deeply grateful to those who post here and help me know that I am not totally off the wall.

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 7:56am

Hi Helen,

I have to totally agree with you that the loving grows deeper and stronger with each day. I am no longer afraid of death, as I know some day I will be reunited with the love of my life. I am in my 50's so I suppose I am not going anywhere soon. But I am ready and willing to go when my name is called. I always think of you and hope that with each day your grief becomes a little less severe.

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 7:46am

Hi Jan,

Nice to see you posting again. I remember in my 7th month, I was still crying a lot. At this time your grief is still so fresh. But I think Marsha is right that his mom is still grieving and it hurts her to see you in such pain. I was and still am very fortunate that I don't have anyone telling me to get over it. I only have one friend that is widowed. The others are all still married and have never experienced such a devastating loss in their lives. My mom is also widowed but it has been 20 years for her, but she still remembers the pain and hurt. I hope that the grief eases a little for you with time.

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 7:37am

OMG Marsha,

Licking sachet???? What the heck will your next move be? I thank you for the great laugh, I had at your expense. I laughed so hard I was crying. And they were happy tears for once. I'll bet you can still taste it.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on October 26, 2013 at 6:49am

I bought the book I am grieving as fast as I can but it is really aimed at young widows\widowers and I have no doubt would be a great help to them.   I found some of it related to me but there really is nothing for the over 70s who have spent a lifetime together and now find themselves alone (we had no children) and with no purpose in life (too old to work).   I just want to stay in bed under the covers and hope next time I come up for air I will be on the other side with Morley (my husband).   Don't let me put you off reading this if you are younger because it is helpful for that age group but really no one cares about us oldies, it is as if we are expected to have got over loving someone and can knit or sew or something.   Well I am here to tell you that if you have a good marriage (I had one of the best), the loving grows deeper and stronger with every passing day and when one of you goes the one left is absolutely bereft and feels they have no place in the World any more and are worth nothing

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on October 26, 2013 at 6:38am

Jan  So sorry your in laws are making it worse for you.    7 months is nothing.   I am 3 years plus and still cry every day.   I appreciate your feeling  in a deep dark hole.   That is how I feel most of the time.   Yes I have friends but they have their own families and their lives have moved on mine hasn't.   My only family, a sister and two nieces (whom I loved deeply) I have not heard from in 2 years, they cannot cope with my grief.    It is SO painful and I feel I will never recover from this blow.   We had no children so at 73 I am totally alone in the World - at least that is how it feels.    I am so sorry you find yourself facing yet another blow it is almost like a double bereavement isn't it?

Comment by Marsha H on October 26, 2013 at 3:52am

Jan ...  I am so sorry you are going through this with your in-laws.  You have lost a spouse and they have lost a son and there is no way they have gotten over the loss of their son anymore than you have gotten over the grief of losing him.  Grief is individual for everyone and perhaps it's most difficult on your mother-in-law (parents feel they should pass away before their children) to see you cry when she is trying to struggle with her own grief.  Each person grieves so differently, some are silent without a tear, some cry constantly, others cry off and on and some can die from a broken heart (especially the elder people losing a mate.) 

Perhaps it would be best you see your in-laws a little less for a few months and perhaps visit them once every week or whatever you feel is a good time for you.  One thing we all know is that we don't get over the loss of our spouse in 7 months!  It's been 2 1/2 years since my husband passed away from pancreatic cancer and although the tears are getting a little further apart I can still break-down and cry because I love and miss him so much.  Also for those of us left behind the future is a jumble and uncertainty lurks in every corner, but we will survive and one day we can look at photos of our loved one and smile at the good memories we've had. 

You grieve on your time and if you are not getting grief counseling please consider it.  Hospices will offer groups who have experienced the loss or their husbands or, you may want to have a more private one-on--one with a grief counselor.  Choose a close and loyal friend that puts their arm around you and just lets you cry or talk. 

Please keep coming back to this forum because it has certainly helped me when I've had rough days and the members on here are so wonderful and supportive.

Big hug (because you need it.)

Marsha

 

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