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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on October 23, 2013 at 4:18am

Mark ... never worry about bringing up memories for some of us that have been grieving longer.  I thank God, I found Legacy where I could express my feelings because as we all know sometimes families and friends just don't understand how we feel.  Men in particular can find it difficult to express their feelings regarding grief and that's why this forum is excellent.  I call them my 'angels' because when one is down they spread their wings, cover us with soothing words and give us peace and let us know that no, we aren't going crazy and that this dreaded grief we go through will not be so intense forever.  There is light at the end of the tunnel. 

I still miss my Ernie as he would cup my elbow and tell me I had the perfect elbows (we'd laugh) and being 6' 6" tall and long armed he would hug me like a big old bear and I felt so safe and secure (even when he was ill.)  I will never forget those moments and we really shouldn't. 

Expressing our pain is good for us and helps the healing process.  I agree with Mike that counseling would be beneficial to you and if you aren't comfortable with a group you can do a one-on-one with a grief counselor.  We will always be here for you and others and it sure doesn't bother me one bit when you bring up those wonderful memories of your wife ...  it gives me a warm feeling and reminds me of the touch and hugs I got from Ernie. I believe we will once again see each other. I hope you believe that as well.

Please keep coming back on the forum and just post what you feel.

Big bear hug (because you need it!)

Marsha 

 

Comment by Marsha H on October 23, 2013 at 4:09am

Mike ...  Glad you enjoyed the 'as the stomach burns' day I had.  LOL  In my grieving process I feel I'm about ready to meet a nice companion (won't get married again) but someone who is also lonely and would like to just have someone to do things with. One is a lonely number. I'm making some big mistakes by opening that door!  LOL  I'm not making a very good impression on anyone these days.  I've learned my lesson and won't be so quick to answer the door the next time. 

Hope things are OK with you Mike.

 

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 23, 2013 at 1:01am

Dear Mark -- I write my feelings out here too -- and, like you, I am sensitive to the thought that I might be stirring memories for someone else -- but, after six months I find that I still can't talk about losing Chris -- I can write it, but I can't say it.  My throat closes up, tears come -- I hear my words coming out all wrong.  

Somehow, it is easier here -- I come here to this forum and so often read the exact words that I cannot speak -- and knowing that someone out there feels as I feel and is able to express these feelings gives me hope.  

Today, I accidentally left my laptop open on my desk, and later, when I walked into the room to put something away,  I was surprised to see a particular photo of Chris sliding across the screen -- in the photo he was looking into the camera with an expression so familiar to me -- so much "himself" that it seemed, for just an instant, he was actually in the room.  Just for an instant, I forgot he was gone.  And, then, I was once again, hi-jacked by my grief.  I can't find words to tell you what that felt like -- that sudden rush of misery, so strong, so deep.

But, I know, that here, in this space, everyone understands, everyone knows -- and I can write it out, but I don't have to apologize or explain. 

Comment by MikeF on October 22, 2013 at 10:29pm

Mark:

I can relate to your stories about the gentle touches and small acts of intimacy.   Thank you for sharing.

I have been attending weekly bereavement group meetings at a local cancer support center since the week after Molly died.  They have provided me a place to talk with people going through the grief process with a counselor who helps guide the discussion and provide some insights.  I have learned a lot about myself and about the different ways that grief affects people.  My experience has been very positive and I highly recommend trying to find a bereavement group in your area.

Posting your feelings and problems is pretty much what this site is for.  Yes, you may touch something that has affected some of us, but I believe that by sharing we all learn a little. So when I saw your line "she would just go by me and reach out and rub my arm", I immediately thought of those early summer days when we were both wearing short sleeve shirts and Molly and I would gently rub arms while driving.  That is a good memory and one that I never want to lose.  Yes, it still hurts that I will never experience it again in this plane of reality.  My memory will have to suffice until we meet again.

Comment by MikeF on October 22, 2013 at 10:04pm

Marsha:

I loved your story.  It always seems like those knocks on the door come at the most inconvenient times.  The next time the front door bell rings, I am going to be thinking of you.

Mike

Comment by Mark Jackson on October 22, 2013 at 8:34pm

Well  it's been 1 month since Cathy went home. I thought I would be OK, but boy was I wrong! Not a good day at all. It seems like it hurts more now then it did a month ago. I really miss her. I think a couple of things I miss the most is her laugh and her touch. Sometimes she would just go by me and reach out and rub my arm, or brush the hair off my fore head. Boy it's hard to see how to type. I am so ready to be with her, but in God's time. I just want to thank everybody here that help others. I don't have anybody really to talk to about how I'm feeling. It does help to at least  to be able to come here and try and put down how you feel, knowing nobody is going to judge you. Some times I feel kind of bad about posting my problems knowing it makes some of you remember what you've gone though. I say a payer every time I post for everybody here that God will ease there pain. I've rambled enough to night.

   

Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2013 at 2:36pm

For everyone ...  I thought this may be a bit of giggle for all of you ...

 

A day in the life of Marsha ...  I just got out of the shower and had my bath robe on, towel wrapped around my head when a knock came to my door.  I peeked out and there was a man in his 60's standing there looking up there at my house.  I had the screen door locked and opened my other door and he introduced himself to me as a neighbor living just a few doors down on the other side of the street and he wanted to ask me questions about the roofing company I hired and said he had been watching them do my roof and was impressed by them.  I told him I was very happy with the company and wrote out the name and phone number and who to contact for him.  I'm a big grinner and was grinning away and talking to him when I realized I didn't have my blasted partials in my mouth and had one front tooth missing on the top and one bottom tooth missing on the bottom  (had a towel on my head and dogs barking at the bottom of my feet) and figured ... 'well, if you are ever ready to date this is not a good way to start!  I looked like a toothless pumpkin just in time for Halloween.'  LOL   If I have anymore body parts taken out of me I'm going to rattle like  buckshot in a barrel!

Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2013 at 2:27pm

Diane C .... You bet I'm in your corner rooting for you.  I have had to beg, borrow and steal (not really, but close  LOL) to get help for things to be fixed around my home and even just paying a roofing company to come in for 2 days (they were very efficient) had my anxiety level up, so with all that you have been through which I consider a trauma in your case, I really do sympathize with you, but please look at it this way ....  it may have been a big shock to you this last time, but now you are getting all that painting done that is hard for you to do and your house is going to stand stronger in the long run with very little cost on your part.  I know having people in/out of your home is disrupting, but once it's all over you'll feel far more secure.  I am having the furnace man coming up because the furnace hasn't been attended to since Ernie passed in 2011.  I have no idea what to do with the furnace (know the filter has to be changed). 

Diane, as painful and upsetting as all this has been regarding your house it was probably someone 'up there' that loves you because now, all these things that could possibly have been unnoticed will be fixed and you can relax about it all.  I always feel most times things happen for a reason.  Try to envision how everything will look once done ... things you would have had to do inside the house yourself, but now don't have to do now. I had my husband's best buddy help me paint the inside of the house and now my male neighbor next door is going to help me wallpaper (Ernie use to do that as well and I don't have a clue) and I'll pay him for his time as that's what he does for a living. 

I had a good laugh at Katie's comment.  LOL  You are so funny and made me laugh re the dogs eyeing me as their next bone-picking meal.  It's been really foggy (can see to drive here) and the fog is filthy!  So many people are not feeling well or coming down with something and so many people ending up with pneumonia so I'm crossing my fingers.  I'm seeing my dietician this Friday, but I already eat fairly well and although my doctor says I've gained a few pounds my own scales don't show it.  Go figure!  I am really discouraged and I'm on Pariet for my acid reflux which allows me to introduce more foods that I couldn't eat before, but now the doctor wants me to go on antidepressants (Celexa) to put weight on me and I once again I'm terrified to have to try this mood altering drug as my system is so out of whack right now.  I live alone so that puts big pressure on me.  Makes me miss Ernie more than ever as we use to look after each other so well.

I'll keep you up to date Diane.  Hope you are having better days and that those guys work fast and get in and out fast so you can put your furniture back.  You remind me of the movie 'Money Pit' with Tom Hanks and Diane Long.'  LOL

Love & Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Diane C on October 21, 2013 at 5:14pm

Hi Barbara,

I hope you are doing ok today. I know that you have your heart and hands full right now. But I want to thank you for your thoughts and comments for me. And I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I just wish I could figure out that reason, but I know some day it will become very clear to me.

I love the idea of you and your family planting a tree in Chris' honor. Rich was an outdoors person and loved planting and digging in the dirt. I will have to think about doing the same thing maybe for his anniversary next year. Thanks for the good advice for me to meet the challenge and get through it. I am sure I will too. but it becomes a harder challenge the longer this goes on. But so far I have managed to hang onto my sanity. Well I guess that could be a matter  opinion. I think I have. It's only been 3 months, but I would like to be done before the snow flies. They have it in our forecast for Thursday.... oh boy!!

Take care Barb, and thanks for the post!!

Hugs to you!!

Comment by Diane C on October 21, 2013 at 5:07pm

Marsha,

Always in my corner rooting for me to come through all these problems with good advice and comments. I knew when I logged on tonight, that I would have this from you, and as always I appreciate it so much. Good news is the roofer admitted to his mistake. And the contractors company is going to re-do the ceiling (new drywall, insulation and paint). They will also have to paint the walls. They steam cleaned the carpets yesterday (to get all the fibers out from the blown in insulation), even though they are going to trash it more with all the drywall work to be done. They also have to paint the hallway  ceiling and walls. All this is painting I have wanted to do, so at least that project will be done for me. He also said he is going to talk to his boss about painting my living room too. That would be a blessing, because I have a cathedral ceiling in there, with a wood beam going through it. Plus 2 skylights and some can lights throughout. That is a lot of work for me, so if they do that for me, I will be happy and not complain about the mistake they made. The house is an open floor plan, so it would be hard to cut off one room from another when painting walls or ceilings. And, yes you are right, if they had put plastic over the tar paper, we would not even be having this conversation. The good news is they did show up at 8:00 this morning and the roof and shingles are on in the front and most of the back. Just one little section over my room and the furnace area.

And you are right about the hoarder look we have going, you have to make a mess to clean up another. No furniture was damaged, as far as I can tell right now. Most of it we covered when it happened, so I won't know for sure until we uncover it all. And I am counting on what you said that all this bad luck is going to eventually even itself out.

I hope you are feeling better and have started your new medication. I am hoping this will be the miracle pill for you. Keep us up to date on how you are doing with it. Then I want to hear about the weight you are gaining!! Because I am worried about those dogs drooling over  your body. Take care Marsha.

Hugs to you!!

 

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