Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by stacey on November 6, 2013 at 9:03am

Hello all. I'm not starting the day before my birthday real well here. My mom goes in for her biopsy and surgery and a real good friend of me and my husband calls and lets me know he has stage 4 lung cancer if I never needed prayers before I really need them now for them and me. I've been hanging in there other wise and still haven't got the car yet but still working on it its so stressful. My friend and I the one that watches Damian while I'm at work we are kind of  having one of those test our friendship moments because I'm not working as much and she's not making money off me because she doesn't have him. I could use and uphill moment on this roller coaster right about now I'm starting to feel drained with all this news I've been getting.

Comment by Marsha H on November 6, 2013 at 1:09am

Hi Carol ...  I don't like Costco either.  They are building houses and townhouses on Burke Mountain and there are 10 times more people there.  There is no such thing as a light day at Costco now.  Since Ernie passed away I don't buy much there with the exception of lamb chops and paper products.

The tires were on sale ... Michelin All Season Radials and all 4 cost me just over $500 and of course $15 to take off the old tires and put on the new ones.  I have a Toyota Corolla. Dan got in fairly quick and it's all done.  The electrician Fronk came with a wonderful smile on his kisser and all was well.  No plumbers crack. He installed the Emily Hubs up on the house (holds the Hydro wires and cable from the telephone pole) and I phoned Hydro and they'll be up to tighten up the wires (they run right up my driveway and far too low.  At the rate my luck has been going I could get a free perm any day.  LOL

Oh boy, feel for you re the dentist.  I need to get in and have my teeth cleaned and I'm sure I have a couple of cavities.  I don't need more holes in my head!

You lucked out on that picture and happy to hear your mom loved it. 

Phone Costco tire department EARLY!  Be sure you know the size of your tires on your car (mine were 15".)  Ask what the wait time is to have them installed.  They made me take mine home and then Dan went back and had to wait in line the first time, but when I complained to management he got in fairly quickly the last time.  (I was told also that with the little bit of snow we get, if any,  All Seasons are perfectly fine ... that came from several men I know. So I'm not bothering with snow tires.)  Perhaps your son-in-law could take your car in.  If you want tires move quick my friend as it's only going to get busier.




Comment by Carol Kayser on November 6, 2013 at 12:31am
Hi Jane P. Thanks for the reply. Yes back up and running. My daughter's boyfriend is home from Australia and he is a computer whiz! Took him 30 seconds.
How right you are. Death does not discriminate. I immediately thought that when Steve Jobs died. All the money in the entire world that he had couldn't save him. People will continue to live in ignorance until it happens to someone they love. No one is immune from this. There is no magic bullet.

So glad you have your dogs:) they will make sure you get out for sure! No choice there. They are wonderful company.

My main priority now is my darling granddaughter Jane. She is wonderful company for me, we have lots of fun together! So I am blessed.

Nice to connect, take care!
Comment by Carol Kayser on November 6, 2013 at 12:15am
Marsha! Good job at Costco! Costco drives me batty. I don't go often, the parking lot freaks me out! So glad you're getting your tires done! So nice of your neighbor Dan to do that. Were the tires expensive?
So for the guy on the roof - charmer huh? LOL!! You wore him down with your sense of humor!! Just hope his pants weren't hanging off!
Day 2 of the dentist Thursday. I've a feeling it's more than one tooth too;(
I like to troll Value Village - Jack would say he'd follow me anywhere, even V.V. So I found a picture, framed $6.99 and 30% off (Seniors Day) LOL! It is actually a picture of a little girl holding a rose and my mom just loved it:)

Tell me more about the tires!
Comment by Marsha H on November 5, 2013 at 3:52am

Carol ... seems you are having a day like mine.  Glad you got that tooth half fixed and feeling better, but it seems we're falling apart ...  now you have a backache.  Oh my!  It's not old age, it's the weather (at least that's what I keep telling myself.)

I use to think Senior Centers were gray haired old people playing cards (cheating and counting on their fingers   LOL) and just putting in time, but found out they are far more active than we are right now.  They have tour rides as well and have a blast, but not ready for that yet.  Some younger people in their 40's try to sneak in so don't feel Mark will have a problem joining when he's ready.

Today was a day!  I purchased 4 All Season Radial Tires at Costco and what a run around.  I was told over the phone when you came to purchase the tires you made an appointment (made sense to me) but, when I got there and paid for them I had to cart them home.  My neighbor Dan took my car in Monday morning as soon as they opened up and they wouldn't put the tires on because he didn't have a Costco card (wouldn't have taken mine if I'd have given it to him) and the line-ups were so long that people were getting angry and were walking out.  Poor Dan, but he wasn't angry at me thank heavens and so I called the Manager who was a really nice guy and figured 'what the heck, people have stamped widow on my forehead so I'm going to use it' and I told him I was a widow and old (I actually said that.)  He started to laugh, but it paid off and Dan is taking my car in tomorrow with the royal treatment and an apology.  Wooohooo! 

I told you that when the roofers did my roof where the Hydro/TV Cable is attached to the roof the roofers took that down and when they put it back in they didn't bother to do it right.  Hydro said I had to get an electrician to the tune of $150 (going to send the bill to the roofing company.)  The electrician Frank came up last Friday ... looked like Danny DeVito and wasn't in a great mood told me immediately what it would cost and asked me what it was on the roof I was concerned about.  HUH?  I said, 'Hey, you're the electrician!  For $150 you should be able to fix that and shimmy across those lines to the power pole and fix it for me and to heck with Hydro!'   Not a smile did he crack and said he would be here Monday.  I am now calling him 'FRONK' just to tick him off!  I can see a little smirk on his face (I suppose a smile or perhaps gas?)  He phoned me and was much friendlier and said he would be here Tuesday at 3:30 PM.  Pays to be a little cheeky every so often.  LOL



Comment by Marsha H on November 5, 2013 at 3:38am

Mark ...  As far as joining a seniors group they don't frisk you, take your finger prints, x-ray, cat scan or cavity search so it's still OK to go even turning 54.  It's a good place to meet others in our position of losing a spouse (no pressure) and a friendly bunch.  It will help you feel a little less lonely. 

For now just concentrate on your grief counseling and consider my idea at a later date.  Don't forget to let us know how you made out.


Comment by Carol Kayser on November 4, 2013 at 8:30pm

Hello Jane P. Hope you are well.  We often end up talking about friends and what that means.  It is funny how one just finds new friends or one good friend in their life.  Marsha is right when she says the subject of grief can be taboo with friends (that being friends we had before losing a spouse).  It's taken me 3 years to realize I am okay to be by myself and be at peace with that.  I can now go to a movie alone and it's fine.  I can read, watch my shows, chat with my sister and enjoy my work friends while at work.  I have one good friend and a couple of others who I can call.  I've learned that others don't want their own happiness and lives "spoiled" by our grief.  They want it kept at arm's length.  So with that type of friendship with limits on it, what really is the point on hanging on.

It was nice to hear you have a special friendship in your life.



Comment by Carol Kayser on November 4, 2013 at 8:23pm

Hello Mark.  With regard to your visit to the support group - I do hope you find/found it worthwhile.  It's nice if one can meet new friends there, that is a bonus.  I went to one locally and frankly it did not work for me at all, but each person is different and the composition of the group can certainly make the visit worthwhile, so hopefully yours was.


Comment by Carol Kayser on November 4, 2013 at 8:21pm

Hi Marsha.  I am writing from my main computer - it's been down for quite some time, but now it is fixed!  Dentist today, so I am sensing issues with my teeth generally (sigh) but I had a partial root canal and  it does feel better in the moment.  Hopefully that will last.  I also have a sore back today, so I have been a couch surfer LOL...

I wanted to add that I really appreciate your post to Mark and in regard to contacting Seniors Centre - I hadn't thought about that at all.  I may think about that.  I have to laugh though because at the Starbuck's at work a few of the young workers went to the Seniors Centre to take dance lessons! Fun...!



Comment by Barbara Sullivan on November 4, 2013 at 7:58pm

Mark, I asked the very same question, I think, weeks ago.  What do you say when people ask how you are holding up -- or how are you feeling?  

I have learned that the answer really depends on who is asking -- some people really want to know -- and others just want to be polite -- and others just want to move on to the next topic or the next person that interests them.

For me, I couldn't really express my feelings for weeks, anyway -- so sometimes I just shrugged -- I think maybe it's okay to just say -- "It's hard".  Asking a grieving spouse how they feel is pretty much a non-question, anyway.  I think you actually said that in one of your earliest posts.  Do they expect us to say, "Just fine"?  

At any rate -- a friend of mine has a motto I like,  she says, "Show up -- listen -- and always tell the truth".  She says it works for every situation, so maybe I will adopt it for myself.  Scary thought!

Please let us know how you like/don't like the group support meeting.  My family and the hospice worker still have me under a lot of pressure to go to one -- so, I am very interested in your opinion.




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