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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1370
Latest Conversations: 20 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele yesterday. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marcia Kaul on October 12, 2013 at 7:30pm

Marsha

I will be working in a call center.  The same one my daughter was hired for.  I really wanted something very different from the job I had.

Boy this grief just hits me so hard some days. I wish there were a magic pill to take away the pain that I feel.

My daughter is graduating from college in May.

 

Comment by Marsha H on October 12, 2013 at 2:30pm

Marcia Kaul ...  Congratulations on your new job!  Do you mind me asking what type of job it is.  I am thinking of working part-time (if lucky) to take up more of my time.  I've been retired so wondering in what areas I may be hired.

Thanks and so happy for you.

 

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 12, 2013 at 2:24pm

Diane C ...  Thank you for wishing us Canadians a good Thanksgiving and realizing it's another painful event.  Odd that these events divide our emotions.  One part of me feels blessed I am asked out for two dinners (our Thanksgiving is on a Monday) and so some people are having it on the Sunday, others on the Monday.  I go through the motions, but miss my sweetie so much and it doesn't seem to fill that void when out.  We all know what that feels like.

Yes, the holiday days season is coming fast and furiously and even for some people who have not had a loved one pass away Christmas can make some people feel sad and lonely.  I try my best to take those baby steps and hope each year is a little less painful. 

I hope things are going well for you and I'm so happy your house is almost finished.  I knew how stressful it must have been for you.  Heck, I had a new roof put on my house in the summer and I was stressed out and they weren't even inside my house.  LOL

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 12, 2013 at 2:17pm

Barb ...  I also understand you hanging onto many things of your husbands.  I have done the same thing.  His work jacket is still hanging in the hallway on a hook, his tools are in the garage and I'm not parting with them.  I have given most of his clothing away (it took time for me to do that) but kept his slippers, bath robe and a couple of his favorite sweaters and T-shirts ...  just to cuddle up in when I feel really lonely and missing him.  These are all normal feelings of grief and keeps them close to us. 

I had to sell the truck/camper and it broke my heart because there went some wonderful memories, but couldn't keep it and stand to see it rot away or be stolen.  I try to tell myself they are only material things, but it's all about clinging onto the memories.

I wish you a good and peace day.

 

Comment by Marcia Kaul on October 12, 2013 at 12:21pm

I got the job and started already. Something to focus on and I intend to just appreciate that for now.

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 12, 2013 at 11:25am
Diane C. Thank you for your Thanksgiving wishes! Yes this is the holiday season and I am very grateful I can watch my little granddaughter bring joy and love into my heart just being with her. It's all about family and those memories and laughter. My daughter said the other day 'having tacos brings me close to dad because he loved them'. So glad she could feel that way!

This Christmas one of my husband's sisters and family are coming to Canada - Whistler BC and we are so excited. I am happy because his sister is a reflection of him and his silliness sometimes and they look a lot alike too! Good for the families to be together.

I wanted to reply to you and Barbara about keeping some of our husband's things. Absolutely I do too. My darling Jack wore a uniform so I have lots of items, his shoes are precious to me:) his jackets hang in the closet with some of his favorite shirts. He wasn't a collector except of video games so my nephew has those. Winter is coming and I will wear his sweaters and jacket and feel close to him. It's a comforting feeling.

Thanks Diane for being here!

Hugs,
Carol
Comment by Diane C on October 12, 2013 at 10:28am

Barb,

I completely understand what you are saying about hanging on to some things that were treasured by Chris. My husband was a plumber and his tools were of great value to him. Most of this stuff I will never use, but it brings me comfort to go out in the garage and be surrounded with his stuff. I have 2 more bags of clothing that I want to donate, but every time I load them in the car to take them, I drive there, and then bring the clothes back home with me. I can not bear to drop them off. I have already taken many boxes and bags of his clothing, but for some reason these last 2 bags are too much closure for me. I still have his side of the bathroom medicine chest with his stuff in there, just as he left it. I have his slippers in the closet and some other things right where he left them. And I really don't care what anyone thinks about this. Some feel it is unhealthy as you say, but who cares. If it brings us comfort, than so be it. Take care Barb

Comment by Diane C on October 12, 2013 at 10:19am

I would like to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian  friends and family. I know it is one of our most difficult holidays to get through. A lot of us have been through anniversaries and birthdays without our loved ones. It really doesn't matter how many years it has been, they are all difficult for all of us. It is comforting to know that for some of us the years help to dull the pain. The pain is still there, but maybe of a lesser intensity. I know it helps me to know this. This is the start of the holiday season, so I know we are all going to be needing some additional support to help us through these days. All I can say is keep coming back and posting your feelings, we are all here to hold each other up. I know this site has made all the difference in the world to me. And I thank each and every one of you. I hope you have some new pleasant memories to sustain you through these days.

Hugs to you all!!

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 12, 2013 at 9:18am

Mark, I understand when you write that it seems others are trying to erase Cathy's life -- as though she never existed.  I absolutely refuse to allow people access to my husband's workshop.  When his son came to help with house maintenance and repairs, it broke my heart that one of Chris's saws was damaged -- he always took such good care of his tools.  After six months, Chris's slippers, the ones I gave him for Christmas that he loved so much, are still under the bed and I still use the "His" and "Hers" pillowcases that I made for us, his robe with his monogram, still hangs in the closet  -- and I don't care how many people think that it's "un-healthy".  I simply don't care!

Every change takes him away from me a little more each day and I  forces me into a future without him, and a life I do not want.

I have not changed the title on our cars or the house ownership and I have been told that I don't need to do that, yet.  

I have found the courage to do some of the things I need to do -- I cleaned out one of our closets -- but, yes, I kept some of his clothes -- I let my daughter clean out the garage and have the riding lawn mower serviced, and allowed her to organize the yard tools.  I have changed the name on some of our utility bills.  Painfully, I went through his briefcase and destroyed his credit cards and saved other important documents.  All of this took time -- and courage -- and thought -- over a period of six months.  But there are things I am still not ready to do -- will do -- in my own time, perhaps -- but not now.

My advice to you, Mark, and I don't know if it's good advice or not, is to take your time -- don't let anyone rush you.  No one knows what this feels like to you, except you.  Do whatever feels right to you -- and don't worry about what others think.  

Thinking of you -- Barb

Comment by Marsha H on October 12, 2013 at 3:32am

Faith ...  It's wonderful to see you post again and I've thought of you often.  Thank you so much for letting us know how you are doing and that there is hope for us all to have a life.  I am so very happy you have a new condo, good counseling and are into your church group.  My prayers are always with you.

Marsha

 

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