Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on May 6, 2018 at 10:18pm

Patricia, you aren’t rambling at all. You seem very courageous to have gone through so much, and be in such new and raw pain. 

I didn,t find this site until almost 1 1/2 years after my husband least I think it was that long.  After Bob died...I thought I “was fine”  but I also thought that he wasn,t really gone..he’d walk back into the house and laugh, and say, I’m home...did You miss me? It took me about 18 months for me to grasp that he HAD really died..and was never returning. Of course I knew deep down he wouldn,t..but it was a nice first year. Unfortunately I lost a year I could have grieved, instead of pretending all was well.

the people I have met here saved my so many different ways...I othink we were all meant to find each other. After spending a few days on our Facebook sister page..I realized there were something  very I wouldn,t advise anyone to go there. I will post more about that another day...try to have a good sleep tonight, everyone. It has been a very strange weekend.

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 6, 2018 at 9:55pm

Deb....I'm sorry you had such a rough night last night.  These dates do have a way of sneaking up on us.  It sounds like a nice plan to be in your favorite place with Greg on the 1 yr anniversary of his passing.  I have no doubt you'll feel his presence and I hope you'll feel some peace knowing he's with you.

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 6, 2018 at 9:50pm

Patricia.....I'm sorry that you also lost your baby granddaughter.  That in itself is a tough loss plus your brother and now your husband.  So much pain for one person to be dealt.

I understand how lost you feel.  I met my husband when I was 20 and lost him in Jan 16 when I was 50 (he was 52).  My entire adult life up until that day was spent with him and when he died, my life ended too.  Although he had been sick for many years (2008), and had been in the hospital for a month when he passed, the doctors were not expecting this and therefore neither were we.  In fact, I was standing next to him in the middle of a conversation with him when he went into cardiac arrest.  That night played on an automatic continuous loop in my mind every night for at least the first 13-14 months.  Now I can control it better and in time, you will as well.  In no way, shape or form does this mean "time heals all wounds".  This is a wound that will NEVER heal, it just looks a little better than it did in the beginning.

Marsha makes a good suggestion about visiting your doctor and asking for something for the anxiety.  You'll need something to take the edge off.  It helped me get through the first few months.  And finding my Legacy family really helped.  None of my family or friends understand what I feel or think.  I got so tired of having my feelings dismissed by people saying "Ken wouldn't want you to feel that way" that I won't even discuss my loss.  For me, this is the only safe place.  I hope you'll also feel safe and understood here.

Sending a hug your way.


Comment by Patricia Huett on May 6, 2018 at 6:08pm

I honestly do not know how to thank you all for your support!  You welcome and have so many kind words for me.

Mary Jane, Sara, Charles, and you Marsha are the best, Thank God for ppl. like you that share their grief and have been where I am now.  I have not hardly made it out of this bed in 3 days now.  I know this is not good for me cause it happened once before when my 24 yr. old brother was murdered and the outcome for me was not Good at All. 

I just don't know how to get going?  When it all happened, it was like a fog I was trying to navigate through.  I found out I had so many places to contact regarding his passing.  I think this kept me a little more occupied and now I have that all done, the horror of it is sinking in.  

I also went through this at the end of 2016 when my 6 mo. old granddaughter passed.  She was the most precious baby!  She smiled and laughed all the time.  Her Pappaw could make her giggle and he loved to hear babies giggle.  My daughter could not deal with the loss (reasonably so) so I dealt with everything for her and it took a toll on my mental health, she still hasn't really dealt with the loss, cause of guilt. She let her cousin bandit Maddison that day when she passed and she laid her down for nap and when she went to get her up, she was unresponsive.  My heart still aches for her and now my husband!!

Sorry guys for rambling, I just hurt so bad and it seems like I've been given so much grief lately.

Thanks for listening

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 6, 2018 at 4:57pm

Sorry, this turned into two posts, as I seem to b having trouble typing on my IPad...I hope tonite is better for u.

Chuck you are adorable...yes, the storm never came to fruition...but I just can’t stop the fear of them. Of course the weather guys don’t help...rattling on and on with warnings..for HOURS...which makes me so afraid. It’s the fear B4 the possible tornados that gets me all worked CA, we just had earthquakes. They just happen! Then it’s built up fear. Do you have sirens in your area? If I was a brave person, I wouldn,t turn the weather on...I would just wait for the siren..but I make sure my cat  Rudy-the-Wonder-Kitty isn,t anywhere out of site, by blocking his access to only a few rooms,  cuz making sure he is in the shelter is my top priority. I won,t go in without him. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 6, 2018 at 4:47pm

Ok, I am awake. Didn’t sleep too much, but feel more rested. 

Deb...if you need us, we are here for you. I hope you and your sister enjoy your visit. For myself, I don,t know how I would feel, visiting somewhere special that BOb and I would I hope it goes well for you. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 6, 2018 at 1:12pm

I have just read all your posts...and will comment on them in a few hours...but I have only been awake for 4 hours today, and it’s only 1 pm, but my body, or something is screaming to me to go lie down. Even with my EBV I rarely do this, an unplanned nap...but I don,t want to forget how all of your posts made me feel this Chuck said..u r more than people on a website,, I think we r each other’s angels.  The next stuff I write is stuff I don,t want to forget to write later....

Deb, my heart is with u...also I have been remembering my 90% of them I am searching for something ...more to come..but it is 76 degrees in the ehouse and I am freezing... so bye for now...maybe it is BOb trying to get me to go to sleep so he can visit or something.

ok bye for now.

Comment by deborah peck on May 6, 2018 at 10:42am

so last night was a rough night for me, almost like panic attacks with my insides all jittery, then this morning it dawned on me it was the night my Greg went back into the hospital with double pneumonia and only continued to get worse until on the 10th he came home on hospice and passed on the 12th, I guess our minds have these dates programmed in them now as I didn't remember what the date was that he went into the hospital for the last time, as the year date aproaches I am getting very panicky. My sister and I are heading to the mountains to Greg and mine favorite place to be, in a cabin there and that is where I will spend the 12th just being with him spiritually, love to you all

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 6, 2018 at 5:23am

Dear Mary Jane,

I have been thinking of you since you mentioned the tornado watch you were under a few days ago - here in my new home of Texas talk is already beginning of such weather, along with that of severe thunder storms producing damaging hail - everyone here has stories about their cars being destroyed in their driveways! Joy. Such fun going to the local big-box store seeing in-ground shelters being displayed in the parking lot with huge threatening signs - this is something this Jersey transplant is finding slightly unnerving. I hope the latest round of storms missed you - we got some Thursday, but now it will just start heating up toward the summer scorching that everyone is telling me to expect. Joy.

Your explanation of how to navigate this site, and this group, that you gave to Patricia is excellent. The powers that be should adopt it into their directions for using the site.

I know little to nothing about Facebook, except that it is not something I am remotely considering joining for any reason - especially discussing my loss of Larry and the innermost feelings around that truth. What others do is their prerogative. I don't need numbers , nor do I wish to be overwhelmed with too many people to address. The intimacy, which fosters my familial feelings toward those here I have come to know and love, is what drew me here, and keeps me coming back. Just one man's opinion.

Be well today, and stay safe -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 6, 2018 at 5:09am

Dear Patricia,

I understand your needing to learn how and where to post - I was a total novice to any form of group/social online communication when I lost Larry. I wasn't even great at sending emails to friends or shopping on Amazon or eBay. I saw however that if I stayed with it in this particular group (family really as I see it) I would be talking with people who understood my feelings - feelings which were scaring the hell out of me frankly.

Marsha's suggestions are so very true, so I do hope you consider if any are possible for you. I personally was very ill and in the hospital when I lost my Larry to cancer 3 years ago. Doctors were probably adding something to calm me to the numerous drips I already had in place, but I don't know. The staff, and especially the nurses, were amazing in their compassion and sensitivity to my situation. Those who remembered Larry and myself when he was the patient in the same hospital during his treatments and admissions for various side effects were especially kind. Many mentioned how they could see how close and loving we were with each other, and that "our story" was talked about much in the lounges. I was in and out of consciousness, but it seemed people were often stepping into the room just to stand holding my hand in silence. I started to think of them all as my angels sent to help me through this. 

6 months later I came to view all the loving and supportive people here on Legacy as more of my angels. I still do, and we all remember clearly the terrible sense of emptiness, anxiety, and being lost that you are now experiencing. Patricia, I hope you will believe me when I say that you will get through this nightmare. Marsha is right that things will never be the same - how could they? You lost the love of your life, and that is irrevocable - but I too believe with all my heart that he is close to you this minute watching over you and protecting you - Larry is with me still, and in my early grief his presence was to become a source of comfort and strength for me. I talked to him, cried with him, and didn't care what people around me thought. 

I'm praying that you have a peaceful moment  today when you can get some rest and just let yourself believe that as alone as you feel now, you have people and angels around you to see you through whatever comes your way. God Bless You.




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