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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on May 9, 2018 at 11:07am

Dear Deb...we all will be with you in spirit for these hard days...we will be thinking only wonderful things as you pass this milestone..you might actually feel me, Chuck, Marsha, Sara, Steve, Beard...and everyone else, as we protect u from pain, wipe tears from your cheeks, and tuck you in at night. If you go for a walk with your sister..and you hear faint footsteps...it will be us..protecting you from heartbreak, and letting in only laughter and good memories. You will get through this...I think sometimes the FEAR of something turns out to b much worse than the experience. God bless you.

Comment by deborah peck on May 9, 2018 at 9:55am

Hi everyone, I have been reading everyones post but haven't responded, I am in a bad place right now but you all have been on my mined and I will try to be more helpful next week after the year passes, but love to you all Debbie

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 9, 2018 at 7:46am

Dear Mary Jane,

How are you? I am so sorry to read of the young girl in your family who you all lost. Some of the saddest and most crushing losses are of young people - just the thought of all they had before them brings tears.

Close friends of Larry and myself lost a 21 year old son in a tragic motorcycle accident. Seeing them completely ripped apart by this first hand was difficult to say the least. We spent the Memorial Day weekend shuttling back and forth to their house with whatever we could imagine they might need as droves of family, friends, and neighbors descended upon their home. the last thing they needed was more food - everyone showed up with platters and casseroles - but one helpful neighbor mentioned that they didn't have paper plates, napkins, or plastic utensils anywhere, so people are using china that requires washing constantly. I dashed home and found the huge supply of such disposable dinnerware left over from many gatherings - nothing matched, but it was there, free, and plentiful. Before running out of the house I grabbed two rolls of paper towels and a big package of toilet paper, dropping it on top of the bag.

When I walked into their house, several helpers were in the kitchen saying thank goodness, they were out of plates, then stopped in mid sentence as they saw the big package of toilet paper sticking out of the bag. One finally broke the silence by saying "Chuck, when we asked for paper products, we didn't mean THAT kind!" then everyone burst out laughing so loud that the boy's mother poked her head into the room, saw the bag, looked at me and said - "That's what you bring? Toilet paper? only you would bring toilet paper at a time like this!" then hugged me and walked out. I will never forget that weekend for the rest of my life. The funeral home and church couldn't have the service until after the 3 day  holiday weekend, so everybody was in limbo.

Reading about the small snakes in your garage gave me the willies - I haven't seen any around the new place here in TX (yet),but am warned to expect that one may appear in the yard at some point. Yay.

Anyway, I hope you have a good day today, and that your EBS doesn't flare up on you. I also now watch the weather in your area saying prayers that you stay safe.

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 9, 2018 at 6:52am

Dear Patricia,

All I can say is that I agree with Marsha and assure you that you haven't offended any of us. I, at this point in my own journey, have noticed some things about myself that have evolved quietly in the background while I was struggling to rejoin the living world and find some shred of meaning and hope for the future.

It seems I have let go of so many meaningless and yet burdensome petty grievances I lugged around with me in my heart before I lost Larry. Nobody close to me ever had to wonder about my opinions concerning bigots, racists, politicians, religious hypocrites, etc. Looking back, I must have been very tiresome with my "witty" insults and slurs hurled unthinkingly around people, some of whom were quite offended I'm sure.

Sadly, one of those was Larry's sister. She is Catholic, and I took perverse pleasure when with her in dredging up any of the public struggles the church was dealing with. I used the child abuse issues being investigated as a weapon to attack the attitude and teaching of the church regarding homosexuality. Larry would privately ask me to not do this, but fueled with a few (few?) glasses of wine and my inflated sense of moral superiority, I would stealthily turn any conversation back to the way her brother and myself were maligned and misunderstood by her precious church.What a sad memory that is for me now - what possessed me, besides drink, to do that when all Larry wanted was a pleasant visit with his sister?

When you mention that your time is coming - the time when your beloved Basil passed, I again think of how so many of us know the exact time and circumstances of our loss of our spouses, and remember how for myself, 7:00 PM was a time of day I dreaded for many many months. If I happen to be someplace around people even today, and notice that time on my watch of a clock across the room, I lose the thread of the conversation as my mind instantly transports me back to that moment. It is less dramatic for me 3 years out, but will never go away. Nor would I want it to - I grasp and hold tightly all things that keep my cherished memories of Larry fresh and vivid in my mind and heart. One thing I do fear is ever forgetting some of the simple small moments we shared, so I talk about them at every opportunity.

Patricia, every person who shares with us their feelings and story adds to the collective loving environment here their own measure of loving compassion, just as you are already doing with your posts. Thank you for that, and my prayers for a peaceful day ahead -

God Bless You!

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 9, 2018 at 6:28am

Dear Marsha,

Sometimes I am reading your posts to a new family member who is going through such heartache, and your replies to me when I first joined come back to me. I was so worried that I would be either ignored or told this was not a place for me. I wrote some time ago how, when I had referred to the fact that i had lost my husband, my hand hung suspended in mid-air trembling for what felt like an eternity. Then I closed my eyes and hit the "Add Comment" button and thought I would know soon enough. The outpouring of understanding, compassion, and especially acceptance from everyone who replied made me weep. Since that moment this has been the place I return when I need a booster shot of strength, or more importantly, when I wish to share something that hopefully will resonate with someone just embarking on the long arduous journey through their grief.

So, for all you have done and continue to do for me, and all the family members and friends here, thank you, and God Bless You!

Hope you have a peaceful day -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on May 9, 2018 at 4:00am

Patricia ...  You don't realize it, but telling your story about your life, grieving for your loved ones also encourages more compassion by all of us as we are family and you are one of us in this group of angels.  You have helped more than you will ever know even as you post.  Many of us have tears for you and those you loved so much lost far to early and it helps us to help you heal.  I am so very proud of you for the strength and honesty you have shared with us here and I know it has taken a lot out of you mentally and physically, yet you keep coming back posting and just letting your hurt out on Legacy and we thank you for that.

This site saved my life.  I was like you alone, frightened, missing Ernie so much, feeling I wanted to die to be with him and the loneliness with fear of the future.  The angels on here got me through some rough times and I keep coming back to share that yes, little by little we become stronger and yes, I do believe not only your beloved Basil, but also your brother are right there with you helping you through this.  I had experiences with that several times.  Counselors to Psychiatrists will tell you that it's false hope you experience these things, but not true and after all, what do they know what happens after death.  When you are up to it I will share some of the experiences I had with knowing my Ernie was around and also witness'.  

Oh my, I cried for your brother and sad to say there are bigots, madmen with no conscience, but they will pay a dear price for what they did to your brother and those other poor souls.  I can't even imagine the pain you must have felt hearing the details of those two deviates and listening to them boast about it.  

I really do understand that you put your life on the back burner for Basil as I did Ernie and it wasn't until after his death that I went to my doctor.  I hope you do go and get something to take the edge off your anxiety on only a short-term basis.  Also hon, forgot to mention that sleep, even eating a little and very important you drink lots of water (crying so much dehydrates our bodies). Just a few tips to help you out.  If you want to sleep for hours or not talk to anyone on the phone then don't feel guilty one bit.  Take your time and I do know you must keep in touch with your daughter (I have not forgotten her grief either.)  There is a section on this forum for parents who have lost children and I hope in time your daughter may join.  Just knowing others have been through something similar will make her feel less guilty and ease her pain to a degree. 

Oh no, Patricia, you haven't offended anyone here and as we said just let your emotions flow onto your posts.  I am 76 years old and there isn't much I haven't seen, heard or experienced.  I also forgot to tell you that my sister-in-law's brother was gay and unfortunately he passed away 16 years ago from AIDS,  Both sides of the family stuck together visiting him and what astounded me the most was even though he was in pain and dying he was giving wise advice to others in the hospital and was much loved.  We learned a lot from him and I do think of him often to this day.

Of course Basil was significant to you and such a good and sweet man like my Ernie.  We were very lucky to have had them in our lives, but they were also lucky to have loyal and loving women like us in their lives as well.  Relationships are about loving, kindness, loyalty, strength, laughter and on it goes and we were so fortunate to have had that.  

Know my dear friend I pray for you and all members on here that each day because less stressful and full of pain.  It's a privilege to know you Patricia and your strength amazes me.

Hugs

Marsha

  

Comment by Patricia Huett on May 8, 2018 at 5:38pm

Thank you Marsha, like I was telling Charles I hope I get to the point where I can give such wise advise on this site someday. Im just not at that point yet.

I am so thankful I found this site to be able to vent my emotions without being judged!! For some reason I do feel safer sharing here then I even do with my family and physcitrist. I think it is because you all can think back to where I am right now and know how it feels.

I've never understand bigiots, regardless of what or why.  My brother of all them was the most peaceful and ppl. pleasing person there was.  He would be the one to always try to keep the peace with all the brother and sisters. The murderers (father&son)  bragged about how many they had killed apiece while they were in jail, they had it all on tape through a wired informant. They went to the fathers farm in Miami OH and unearthed many bodies.  The son wanted my very sweet baby brother to himself (he was beautiful with the most crystal blue eyes) and my brother did not want him.  They could of probably saved his life by the time they found him, he ran out of house and across street and collapsed. They decided not to call for help, instead bring him in house and let him bleed to death.

I don't have a doctor, I had always been the person taking Basil to doctor and making sure he went to the right specialist, I always have put myself on the back burner.  I do need to find one and will take her advice on that Marsha.  I sincerely hope I'm not saying too much here to offend anyone. I am just feeling like I need to let you know why my soul mate was so significant to me, as I know your Ernie was to you!!!

My time will be approaching soon, he passed at 10:21pm and I'm replaying and reliving all that time that lead up to that time!

Again, Thank you all for listening.  Please dear Lord, give me strength!

Comment by Marsha H on May 8, 2018 at 4:08pm

Dearest Steve ... What profound words and thank you for posting it.  It brightened my day.  How true it is we can accept our own demise, but not those of others.  What keeps me glued together is they are at peace and loved and one day we will see each other once again.  

Much love

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 8, 2018 at 4:03pm

Dearest Patricia ...  Again, in tears because you have been through so very much and I understand your rock now is gone and you feel so alone, BUT, you are not!  As Charles said even though you don't know us we are here for you ALWAYS!  I am so very proud of you for telling us so much about the hurting you have suffered so many times.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything right for you once again.

I can't even imagine being in the same court house with that monster who took your brother's life only because he was gay.  In British Columbia Canada during the 1990's we had so many seriously injured gay people and our laws came down swift and hard.  What makes some people fear gays;  it's just not gays, but anything that is different from themselves and they cower in fear.  I do believe God deals with things in his own way and believe me the young man who took your brother's life will wish he never had as prison isn't a good place to be.  He will pay!  I know this does bring your brother back and even if the murderer died it still would not give you the peace you would expect to feel.  I know your sweetheart was there to comfort you and now, he too is gone and we do understand how this feels.  Even today I crave to have my Ernie here when things get a little to tough for me to handle, but I almost feel him around me and eventually things do turn out and I can breath a sigh of relief.

You are in raw grief right now Patricia and all the things you are going through is normal.  Grief seems like such an ugly journey that all of us have to go through, but grief also makes us stronger and makes us realize we can still live on and hold close to our hearts the memories of those we love.  Eventually as your life moves on those memories will get you through your life where you will find some peace and joy.  I know these words sound empty now, but please trust in us as we've been there.  We can sort out what is normal every day upsets, some depression because of what life throws everyone and realize it's just not centered on grief alone.  

I hope my dear friend that you see your doctor and if possible seek out a grief psychologist to speak to.  It does help.  We are also here to offer help and please realize that by you just coming on here and expressing what you have took courage and that is 'strength!'  

Your beloved is there with you and never forget that.  He will get you over the bumps of grief, he'll be there when you cry or don't feel you can make another day.  I have experienced this many times throughout these 7 years since Ernie passed away.  He is in my heart every single day and yes, I talk to him every single day in the car or the privacy of my home.

Just keep posting hon and letting your emotions out and we'll be there for you.  We'll see you through this darkened journey of grief.

Many hugs flying your way

Marsha  

Comment by Patricia Huett on May 8, 2018 at 2:36pm

Charles, you are such a blessing to me right now. I hope I can get to the place you are to give such wise advice,  I'm just not there right now.   You are so right in saying that my ROCK that comforted me through all these tragic events is gone!!!

It has been 1 month to the day that I loss Basil.  It is a very bad day for me just thinking about counting down the hours when he left and I died with him!! I had never felt love till I met this man.  He was a true Southern Gentlemen.  Keep in mind, I was only 25 and he swept me off my feet.  He was Greyhound Bus driver through Miami, Fl and I was a ticket agent in the Naples, Fl station.  He never once in all our years together disrespected me and always stood up to anyone that dare disrespect a woman or curse around children.  Very family oriented.

I raised my brother and sisters.  I was oldest of 7 and was forced to quit school at 14 to help provide for family. I'm just saying this cause when my brother was being unearthed on the news, I felt like I loss a child. I had to listen in court to a thing say :  Yeah I stabbed him to death, but don't know how many times!!! I had to listen to his Father (66) say: Your Honor I can't stay in this jail cause the cot hurts my back...OMG, I wanted to run down there and honestly at time show him hurt.  A 25 yr old witness mysteriously was found dead when they went to interview him!  I swear this was something from a TV movie.

I too have never understood how ppl can HATE on anyone.  I loved my brother and knew from an early age he was gay and that did not change how much I loved him and supported through his life. 

I so hope you and Marsha are right in saying I will get through this, cause right now it don't feel like I will.

Charles and everyone Thank You for listening.  R.I.H. Basil Huett

 

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