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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1377
Latest Conversations: yesterday

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy yesterday

Steve....Thinking about you on this 6th anniversary.  I'm glad you re-posted this poem.  I remember reading it before but now I'm going to copy it so I'll have it.   It's a nice reminder that our loved ones are right by our side

Hugs,

Sara

Comment by Trina Mamoon yesterday

Dear Steve,

Thinking of you today and sending you love and prayers as you give thanks for your soulmate and best friend Mark today. He will always be with you.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Steve G. yesterday

Chaya,

Me and Mark were together for 26 years, he always saw the silver lining in everything, I was worried about too much.  He would always tell me "we will get thru this" and he was right, we always did.

You are welcome and I thank you for sharing,

Comment by CHAYA SPECTOR yesterday

Thank you Steve G. 

in 15 days it will be a year since Bridgett died.  I feel her with me most of the time... standing next to me whispering...You can do it.. especially wound the many technology issues that have risen up this past year.  I feel her closer by me  as the days move into months into a year. She will always be a part of me... As you said so wonderfully. Bridgett too taught me to how to love, how to as i say "sit and stay" in a relationship. For 24 years  i sat, i stayed  and i am so so happy i got to have her in my life for as long as i did.  

Comment by Steve G. yesterday

Six years have passed since my best friend, soul mate and the one person that taught me how to love and trust someone so completely, Mark William Cava.  He is now at peace and in my heart forever, now I remember all of the good memories with a fondness that I never thought I could.

I found this poem during the first year of his passing, it puts into words exactly how I feel this day:

For those who believe:

I wish I could tell you of all that God has planned
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand
But one this is for certain though my life on earth is o’re
I am closer to you now than I was ever before
And to my very many friends, trust God knows what is best
I’m still not far away from you, I’m just beyond the crest
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb
But together we can do it taking one day at a time
It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too
That as you give unto the world so the world will give to you
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in pain
Then you can say to God at night my day was not in vain
And now I am contented that my life was worthwhile
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile
So if you meet somebody who is down and feeling low
Just lend a hand to pick him/her up as on your way you go.
When you are walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind,
I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind
And when you feel the gentle breeze or the wind upon your face
That’s me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embrace
And when it’s time for you to go from that body to be free
Remember you’re not going you are coming here to me.
I will always love you.

Anonymous

Comment by Steve Cain on Friday

Hi Chaya,

The way I greet our newcomers is as sorry as I am that you had to find us, I'm glad that you did find us. When I started this group not long after I lost Kris, I figured there might be 5 or 10 people who would join. To see how large this group has become humbles me, as much as I wish it only needed to be a group of 5-10 people, but as we know, such, sadly, is life.

As Mary Jane said so well, you will start to heal. My Mom told me after she lost my Dad, you never "get over it" which is true, however, you become a new person because of your journey that several years from now when you look back at what you are saying, thinking and doing you will be amazed at how far you've come.

After I lost Kris, I became very disoriented in my life, which scared me because I was a very organized person, sometimes possibly overly so. I learned that for me, this was normal and OK. These are phrases you will probably hear a lot, especially from us. What you are going through is normal for your journey and how you are thinking and feeling are right for you. Never let anyone, family or friends, tell you how you "should" grieve, although there are those who will, sometimes well meaning, sometimes because they will be uncomfortable with you displaying any emotions. Do not let them get to you, this is your journey, not theirs.

Another piece of advice I always give is to contact your local hospice. Many of them have programs that you can sign up for. During my initial time I had a companion who came by weekly during the first year, then monthly during the second. He was a great help, especially when I figured out that my then stepson had managed to hack into our bank account and was stealing from me. They also put me in an excellent group, which really helped because I realized that I was not alone, there were other people going through what I was going through, which gave me, oddly enough, a sense of security.

I thank you for putting your trust in us, I hope we can continually earn that trust.

Comment by Mary. Jane on Friday

Happy Thanksgiving all. Nice to meet you, Chaya. I am Mary Jane, and my husband of almost 49 years, died of brain cancer almost 5 years ago. YOU WILL START TO HEAL..I promise..you will get better with time. I say YOU, because IT never gets better, but YOU will. 

A lot of us keep journals..I did, and it was a HUGE help.Also, finding THIS  SITE was wonderful. Here you can vent your grief, and your ANGER..and we understand. You will find, your friends and relatives will think you should be “over it” in a short amount of time.They have no idea. Whatever works for you.

I lost my memory, or remembered things in an altered way. NOW I am starting to recall his death as it really was.. It is painful, but healing. I have become angry, but it is a GOOD anger. 

On a different subject..for all,of you..the last year has diminished me physically and mentally, as have a lot of folks. We don,t need a pandemic along with our grief. But, I plod thru each day..I stopped social stuff here at the senior park..somI am pretty isolated. My kitty keeps me sane, and gives me comfort.,

I would advice anyone who is alone, to have a pet. We still have love inside, even tho our loved one is gone, and caring for something besides ourself is crucial to our well being...yes, and even a GARDEN or a HOUSEPLANT works..as long as we have something to nurture.Inhave become very involved with the many birds around my home..surprisingly rewarding..for both the birds, AND me. ALSO I write a MONTHLY column in our monthly publication..I have cart blanc to write whatever I wish, and it is very rewarding, to know people are reading my ideas.

And so, my friends, I wish you well.

Comment by Steve G. on Thursday

Wishing peace and comfort to all on Legacy.

Chuck and I had a safe and quiet Thanksgiving, just the two of us. 

Sending out virtual hugs to one and all!

Comment by Sara Murphy on Thursday

Hi everyone..….I hope you were all able to have a happy and safe Thanksgiving. 

I see we have a new member.  It seems odd to say welcome to Chaya as this is a group no one wants to join but without this forum, I myself may not have made it this far. I'm sorry for the loss of your wife.  This is a big loss so please don't feel as if you need to rush through it.   I assure you that at 11 months, you are not "that" person.  I lost my husband in Jan 2016 so coming up on 5 yrs.  We were together for 30 years.  I met him when I was 20 and lost him when I was 50.  It was 14 months before the heavy weight in my chest started to abate.  Prior to this loss, I hadn't realized the phrase "heavy heart" was a literal thing.  I thought it was just a figure of speech.  Come here and talk with us about how you're feeling.  This is a safe space with no judgement.

Sending hugs to all,

Sara

Comment by deborah peck on November 20, 2020 at 7:47am

Dear Chaya, Losing a partner leaves such a void as to any other death, I think its because they are our best friend, our goto when times are rough, a safe place to land. Without all that we have to figure out how to live life with all these emotions going on in our head all the while trying to function "normally", its okay to have bad days or weeks, its been 3 1/2 years since my Greg passed, not a day goes by that I don't think or talk to him, his ashes sit in my family room because he is still such a part of me. While I have went and took down a lot of the pictures I put up right after he passed I will never not see him as part of my life still. wishing you love on this journey

 

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