Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by deborah peck on October 5, 2018 at 10:09am

I think it would be great for people to just act when someone passes, by that I mean show up months later to clean your house, just sit and have coffee, fix a meal, its random acts of kindness that we need not being told how sorry they are, we need comfort and sometimes words aren't enough

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 5, 2018 at 9:16am

Marsha, I mean this in the kindest way..but I loved your rant!  Thank you for I know I am not crazy..(well, a little crazy,,lol) yes, the entire week has been weird...but yesterday seemed to b the culmination. I am with you my friend...that person isn,t worth your time, and the entire week will go down in history as one of those things life throws at us. 

People come in and out of your life...maybe it is time your friend is out. Maybe she is doing something she is hiding in her the heck with her! Thanks for0posting that..helped me feel I am not going crazy. Maybe today will get better. Go with God, my friend.

Comment by Marsha H on October 5, 2018 at 4:23am

I've had a whole weird week!  First the two banks I deal with suddenly changed the numbers on my phone account where  I pay bills from and a new code, but never contacted me about it.  This couple Ernie and I were close to have kept in touch at first, but little by little I see them less.  Her husband now has cancer and when they invited me out 3 months ago I asked her to keep in touch so I'd know how her husband was doing.  Now it's 3 months and no calls or even smoke signals.  It infuriated me and what's changed?  Yes, Ernie passed away, but I'm still here and almost the same person with a good sense of humor and they seem to enjoy my company.  I thought perhaps things weren't going well so I relented and called her.  I got 'oh, just got out of the shower.'  Yeah, so, dry off and call me back is what should have happened and what I would have said.  I quickly asked how her husband was doing and if he had started chemo as he was diagnosed over 3 months ago and he has not so now I'm scratching my head wondering what is going on.  In the same breath she said her friend was coming down to stay a few days re surgery and this so called friend just uses her for a place to stay.  She promised to phone me on Thursday and it's come and gone and no word.  It hurt my heart big time and I don't deserve it.  She has time to do the things she wants.  Then on Thursday evening was suppose to go to Bible Study (great group of people and we have some good laughs as well) and it was suddenly cancelled at the last minute as the person having the Bible Study was ill.  I can sympathize with that, but just when I needed it.  It's a long weekend here and it's already beginning to become a drag.  Then Thanksgiving dinner at my brothers was changed 3 times and all due to their son fitting it into his hockey schedule.  I am so sick of hearing about some of my friends spoiled adult kids (in their 30's) and I wonder why they aren't more independent and most have no manners at all.  Often I wonder if it's me and perhaps I'm to sensitive, but when I've talked to others they feel I have good reason to be hurt and angry.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm on another planet!  Everything is coming at me and so many things have changed technology wise and I just want to hibernate and not wake up until spring.

Thanks for listening to my rant.  

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 4, 2018 at 10:29pm

Oh wasn,t till BOb died that I understood the silence of I used to be one of those complate loss of words. Afraid I would say the wrong thing, cuz I had no idea what would bring the grieving person comfort, OR what if Insaid the wrong thing, and my words would make the person who,s loved one had died, start crying. So I think I uttered the same basic platitudes hoping they would be of some comfort but Not really knowing what to say, so I said little. And after the initial I am so sorry, then shamefully, avoidance of the bereaved person. 

There should be somewhere people can go, to learn what to say to someone who has lost a loved ne, but there isn,t. Not in this country. Instead, we try to avoid the person who has facd the loss mainly because wedon,t know what to say...and we are afraid our word will be the wrong ones,  andmake the berieved feel worse, and they will cry.

i think it would also be helpful, if after some time was passed, we should contact the berieved, and ask if they are doing ok...let them know we still think of them,instead of avoiding them. 

what would you want people to say to you? Maybe we all should Try to write some sort of protocol of things people can say, as they honestly don,t know. I DIDN, the late 80’s a friends baby died a crib death. It was horrible...and she never got over it. Mostly we just listened to her..and tried to be sympathetic..but after almost 2 years...we started to avoid her..God forgive me, but that is what I did too. Now I understand..but I DIDN,y know I just listened. It was horrible..after the infant died, her husband brought is unknown girlfriend to the funeral, then told my friend he had wanted a divorce and this was at the funeral of her baby! I lost contact for about 20 years, but found her on Facebook again...she never had another child, or sad. Life can b so cruel.

we here, should name a special day, that we can all raise a glass f spirits, and toast each other’s soulmates. We are the ones LEFT BEHIND to,pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and try to move on. So, here,s to Ken, and your wonderful life together...I guess a long life just wasn,t in the cards for you two...but we pull it together somehow,,and pick up the pieces and move on. And, I know this is so true..even if I had known BOb was going to die, and I would be left with the mess I am n..I wouldn,t trade those years for anything.There are some very lonely people who have NEVER had a love...but we are the lucky ones, who did.we lost them, but not the love Nd the memories, and that is worth more than any riches in the world. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 4, 2018 at 9:39pm

My aversion to that new show isn't so much the suicide part but as Deb says, the spouse dying part.   I remember one of the commercials had one of the characters saying "what do you say to someone who just lost their soulmate" and my only thought was "Damned if I know because I certainly haven't heard it".  I also felt angry at the characters raising a glass and toasting their friend.  It made me wonder if anyone has ever raised a glass in Ken's honor.  I wouldn't know.  I've spent the last 2.5 yrs wondering if his friends even think about him.  Could be but they don't mention his name in my presence.  It may be a well written show but I have a bad attitude towards the lack of support I feel I've received from friends (although part of me thinks I expect too much) and this show brings that up for me.

I've said this many times before but if it wasn't for the support I've received from my Legacy family, I don't know where I'd be right now.  Thanks to all of you.



Comment by Mary. Jane on October 4, 2018 at 9:32pm

Ok, kids this is a very strange question...but in my world..TODAY has been extra WEIRD! Ya know those days when everything seems out of place, or everything seems to go wrong? Well,for me, today was one of the strangest days ever...

i know this has nothing to do with grief..or maybe it I am not the same person I was before BOb died. I don,t have the focus, or the ability to weather the small stuff...I spoke to my SIL, and she said the day had been weird for her, too..and I was just wondering  if I was loosing what brain cells I might still have, or did anyone else experience anything out of the ordinary.. or what stands for ordinary since our loved one died?

i have a lot of strange days...but I am also MORE STRESSED than I have ever been...even more so than when Bob died. I am trying to downsize, pack and donate...purge, and have contacted a realtor and been approved as a great person to loan money for a house.

it is all happening WAAAY too fast. I am NOT ready!!  My daughter will be here tomorrow night, for 6 purge,pack or toss...and she even mentioned that I should talk to a realtor HERE! I am in a state of absolute TERROR!! I can,t have a realtor come here...  I haven,t cleaned my oven in 3 years, the carpet is filthy, and the guy who approved a loan for me is a moron. I am serious...when he checked my credit, he said my mortgage wasn,t on Experian..was it paid off? and I should call my lender to see . ARE U KIDDING?  He actually wanted me to call the bank and see if Bob had mortgage insurance.I asked him why he DIDN,t check with the other credit companies...but he said he only uses this one. OMG! So I checked and of COURSE my mortgage loan was there I don,t think I want a loan from this company..all I wanted was a paper I could show to sellers what good  credit I had. I am so scared. 

My life was fine, ..and then Bob died, but I got through that, and now I am expected to change what is left of my life DRAMATICALLY...and it is just too much. This all started  when I updated my IPad...and everything was different and wrong...then I started getting spam and phishing emails today, and on and on. Little things, but I just want to crawl into bed, shut my eyes and have it be over. 

Thanks for letting me vent. The only thing keeping me sane is my kitty, and I am so terrified of him dying, I follow him around the house all day. (I am not kidding)

Oh yeah..and Apple changed the keypad on my device and I keep hitting the wrong buttons..ok that one is funny. Bye Y,all.

Comment by deborah peck on October 4, 2018 at 10:35am

I cant watch anything that involves a spouse dying, its just too hard and I end up crying

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 4, 2018 at 9:42am

I have sort of “seen” it, but really didn’t pay much attention. The first thing that I didn’t like was everyone was filthy rich...or seemed to be. I also found it to be they jump from person to,person..and I have trouble focusing ..and it seems to me to me that the scenes are so DARK...not emotionally, but the brightness of the filming, which adds to the confusion of who each person is. But honestly, I really DIDN,t pay that much attention, as I tend to stay away from emotional dramas such as that...I have enough drama in my personal life, so  I lean towards good comedies..but, Jeanette..I would give it a try...especially if you have had such a personal connection with suicide attempts.

As for your lawyer..he sounds weird and incompetent, and greedy.

If your husband left a will, that, in itself, should be iron clad. In Oklahoma, you can just write a will on paper..(it must be hand written, an original copy, have it signed by two witnesses, and notarized.) It was perfect when I needed it to prove heirship...and had no problems when I to submitted  it to a government agency in California..

Comment by Sheri Dettman on October 4, 2018 at 9:28am

Sara, I've been watching A Million Little Things. I enjoyed it, but my situation doesn't involve suicide. I will say that in watching Grey's Anatomy, and several other shows where there is death, I felt like it actually helped me rather than made me feel worse.

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on October 4, 2018 at 9:20am

I hope to watch A million little things soon.  One of my best friends lost a young grandson to suicide. She is a strong, strong woman, but after dealing with my own grief (one pinky finger worth) I can see she boxes it up inside and files it away. I can recognize the coping mechanism. We have had several young children and teens commit suicide who belong or are related to our church family and my minister turned to God when he was at that crossroads. If you ever have a chance to listen to Pastor Elliot Osowitz speak - it is worth hearing his story. Elliot is Jewish, One night he went to a motel to kill himself. He didn't want a family member to find him. But something pointed him towards the nightstand within which he found a Gideon Bible. The Lord ministered to him that night and saved his life and his soul. He now travels extensively as an evangelist for the Gideon Society. I was honored to have this man as my pastor. And while I also love my new pastor - and my Texas pastors - Elliot holds a position in my heart of someone I can always turn to - someone I trust and respect.

Several years ago my daughter attempted suicide twice. The first time was due to slitting her wrist (the effective way) and ending up in the hospital and an addiction institution. (she wasn't addicted to alcohol or drugs). Many people don't realize this institutions also treat dual diagnoses. The second time she was found in time but her twin sister and husband were about ready to each lose their jobs over the effect all of this was having on them so I offered to take her to North Carolina. I found a good psychiatrist but he said he couldn't see her for several months. I got down on my knees in his office and cried. I told him she'd be dead in a week if he didn't see her. He had compassion on me. Only God gets the glory for the next several months. When I was at my wits end and experience wasn't cutting it - his voice told me how and where to take each step. It was clearly the most difficult period of my life. Even now, after numerous health crises and the loss of my husband - that year stands out as my year of testing and tribulation. 

I know there are many members here who are at that threshold. You just don't know how you can take your next breath without your soulmate. Life seems bleak. All I can recommend is to let the Holy Spirit fill up those empty places within you. Allow God to direct the next steps of your journey and Jesus to take your hand. Walk alongside him and through his powers of creation you will be walking beside your loved one once again.


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