Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

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Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on August 14, 2018 at 10:22pm

Deb it is people like you,who give the world love. I cannot even imagine having two loves who left this world,let alone one. But you were so brave, and so loving, you opened your heart and took a chance a second time. To give of yourself to two people makes you a very special person. There is so much more I want to say, but I don,t know how to put into words. I am so sorry you had/have to endure so much pain...but if you view what happened from a different gave two people unconditional love, and enriched their lives. Albeit, their lives were short, and left you with such pain, but it takes a very special person like YOU to have given so much love..only to be hurt twice. I couldn,t do that...but YOU must be a very special person. To have both endured the pain, and also given your love, and made their lives better, is amazing. I know you never signed up for this, and I don,t understand why this had to happen to you...but you must be a wonderful,loving person, who enriched the short lives of two people. I like to think there is a special place in heaven for people such as yourself..Go with God, my friend.

Comment by deborah peck on August 14, 2018 at 4:37pm

Mary Jane, I truly pray you recover your health soon, sounds like this trip took it all out of you but I think you are exhausted from everything going on before your trip too, I know I would be

Comment by deborah peck on August 14, 2018 at 4:34pm

Today has been a kind of a rough day, it was 30 years ago today that my first husband passed suddenly, went to bed together and I woke up about 4 am and found he had passed away in his sleep, had heart failure that wasn't detected,so Mary Jane I know it doesn't get better that it just changes and we don't get over it but I want to even though I know its not possible, my girls lost their dad 30 years ago, he wasn't here to see them thru all of their failures and accomplishments and then they lost the dad that raised them, life just doesn't seem fair, I just wish for all of us we could fast forward to a point in our lives when it will all be easier to handle. I will quit whinning now.

Comment by deborah peck on August 14, 2018 at 4:27pm

Mary Jane, thank you for what you said about my card, I use a die cutting machine to cut out pieces then I design them myself and make all the flowers, its so much fun

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 13, 2018 at 6:07pm

Sara..thank you. I remember that song...(it was Helen Reddy who sang it, and it was an anthem for women who were tired of taking the macho crap men dished out. LOL)

Sadly, I realized I don,t have the energy to roar..or do anything else...that trip really took a lot out of me...and I don,t know why. I have been taking long naps...and besides unpack and do laundry, have been pretty sedentary. I think it is just the fear, and it seems impossible to achieve. I just want to curl in a ball and wake up months from now, and have been magically transported to a new home.

but, there is one good thing...when I was in CA,I noticed my pain level was better...must be the humidity in Oklahoma..cuz now I hurt much worse..ok, I am done whining. Lol. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 13, 2018 at 5:57pm

Deb, I forgot to tell you how beautiful your cards are. Seriously! Do. You ever sell them? Do you use.  a template or just grab scissors and go? I would buy them! They are special...I have never seen any cards so lovely.

ok, now for your 15 month comment. When I read that I wanted to grow wings and fly over and give you a “mom” hug. Deb, we will NEVER “get over it”. Ever. IT, N EVER gets better...but WE change a bit...we are given moments of happiness in our ravaged lives that we feel too guilty to enjoy or even realize. We are all damaged..and always will be. It doesn,t get BETTER but it gets DIFFERENT. We will never “get over it” nor, should we..but we change and hopefully are able to face and accept the pain differently. After Bob died, I spent 18 months in complete denial. I honestly thought he was just on some long vacation, and would waltz back into the house. It was nice, not believing, but it just delayed my grief. I wish that hadn’t happened, as it set me back and I lost time I should have used to accept things. 

I have noticed on TV shows, that have written scripts where someone has died, ONE YEAR seems to be the cutoff point, where everything is better, and the bereaved should be starting their lives  over again. What a load of CRAP! Who is writing this garbage?? There was even a part of me that thought I would be better in a year...cuz that is what I saw on TV. I am so ashamed to admit this, but years ago a friends baby died a crib was the saddest thing, and as her grief DIDN,t subside after a year or two, myself and some of our other friends began to avoid her, thinking she should be over it. I had no idea. I do now.

So please stop beating yourself up...don,t feel guilty when you have happy times, and good moments. There IS NO time limit..I think the universe gives us moments of joy,to help us remember what it feels like..and try to heal a bit. I also think the universe gave all of us THIS PLACE, because it has been a life saver. And hopefully, we will think positively and not feel guilty about enjoying what we can,

Comment by deborah peck on August 13, 2018 at 11:12am

Good to know that so many feel the same way I do but so sad too. I really try to pump myself to move one and "get over" this but don't think its happening anytime soon, I realize its only been 15 months but I want too feel good again and not sad all the time. I posted a picture of a card I made a few days ago, I was trying to show that is when Iam happy, I can make cards and totally get out of my head for awhile and its great till reality hits once again, I know that this grieving takes time but how much time? I don't remember it being like this the first time I did this but my brother tells me I was the same but maybe the difference was I had 3 little girls to raise and make a life for, I don't know but this totally SUCKS

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 12, 2018 at 8:57pm

Mary Jane.......I'm thinking of another song from Linda Rhondstat---I Am Woman.  I can't say I know the lyrics but I believe there's a line that says "I am woman, hear me roar".  You got this Mary Jane.  You're going to find the strength and make a successful move to Ca.   Your angel is working behind the scene to help you.

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 12, 2018 at 8:53pm

Debbie......I  just read your post about feeling guilty when you have a good time and I know what you mean.  In fact, I was going to ask myself if anyone felt this way.  Last night I went with friends to the concert at Fenway Park and felt so guilty for having a good time.  It was a concert I know Ken would have loved and I didn't feel quite right being there when he couldn't.  I got to bed at 12:30 but couldn't get to sleep for a few hours because I couldn't shut my brain off.  I do wonder if I'll always feel so guilty for living.

Comment by Linda Price on August 12, 2018 at 1:53pm

Comment by Linda Price 

Mary Jane, I have been having the same thoughts as yourself lately. My husband  had a long term illness and passed away June 20 this year. Sometimes I would feel trapped and isolated due to me caring for him. I felt guilty having those thoughts. I had a very loving husband who told me not to stay home a lot but to volunteer and have fun with friends. I am not sleeping well either I wake thinking what I have to do or being with him his last hours. I have rejoined a Senior club and begun easy exercises. I am feeling better. I can’t stay home eating and watching tv. Thinking of painting again even though it has been years. At church there is an unofficial group of older widows. We support and encourage each other to be active. I hope you will be feeling stronger soon. Life is beautiful....a new chapter for us, pages may be slow in coming. God Bless you.


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