Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

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Comment by Mary. Jane on November 28, 2019 at 10:39am

Oh Sara.that was a lovely post.I will pray for strength for your back. When backs get bad, it effects every other part of the body. I know that “old lady shuffle”. I wish you a pain free wonderful day.God bless you, and everyone else here.

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 28, 2019 at 10:36am

This might seem weird, and it is just a thought, but here goes. I am hosting Thanksgiving for the first time in over 10 years. My daughter, her hubby and his parents r coming..and I just thought of creating a place setting for Bob. My table seats 6...probably won,t do it..but I might. Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday..above all others. He HATED Christmas, didn,t care about his birthday, but LOVED Thanksgiving. I have missed him in this new home..I can feel him so,Times, but not as strong as I did. 

Oh well..time to,start cooking. And watch the PARADE! 

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 28, 2019 at 10:29am

Happy Thanksgiving to my Legacy family.  I wish you all peace.  Today I choose to focus on what I still have and am grateful for.  I know that's what Ken would want me to do.

Chuck....that was quite a story.  On this Thanksgiving day, I'm grateful you weren't more seriously injured.  To be honest, I thought with your title of "My Scary Halloween", you were going to tell us a story of how you saw Larry as you were putting your display together. 

Mary Jane.....How scary those wildfires are even just to see in the news.  I'm grateful you and your family were safe during the worst of it and that you had a home to go back to.   

I myself have been dealing with back issues the past couple weeks which got worse this past weekend.  I had herniated a disc in 2015 and I think it happened again but my doc thinks it's just a muscle injury/strain.  I hope she's right but in the meantime, I feel like a 90 yr old shuffling around.  I guess for today, I'm grateful to be standing on my own 2 feet however difficult that may be.

Again, I hope you all enjoy your day but let's not "go dark" for quite so long.  This site is a lifeline for us all.

Comment by Steve G. on November 28, 2019 at 6:57am

To you and your family as well Mary Jane!

To all on Legacy a very gentle day, love those around you, remember all us here are with you as well as our dearly departed.


Comment by Mary. Jane on November 28, 2019 at 12:21am

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, everyone. I hope this day is gentle and kind to all of you.

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 25, 2019 at 11:50am

Thanks, Steve..ironically tornadoes were one of the reasons I moved back to the Bay Area, where I had grown up in, and lived except for 15 years spent in Oklahoma..and Melinda was terrified listening to me huddled in my storm shelter for hours, waiting for the BIG ONE. Last summer one came within miles of me...taking out a few miles of homes..and businesses so we agreed I would return. I knew they had had a big fire here  in 2017...which decimated dozens of residential areas close to,where I now live, but we figured lightening never strikes I wasn,t worried. Big mistake. 

Where I grew up has changed SO BADLY in those 15 years..poverty and homelessness is RAMPANT!  Tent cities with thousands of displaced people are all over the areas..due to the HORRIBLE greed of the SF Bay Area..there is no housing for these people...we are talking THOUSANDS of in tents and RVs. The cost of living here is STUNNING at best...the average yearly rent is $42,000 per year. 

Couple that, with PG&E the gas and electric company, who instead of FIXING anything, just add more overhead power lines that SPARK and start brush fires, cuz the land is rarely cleared...trees that have never been cut back..and dry drought areas..super high winds, no rain here for over 7 months.seriously, and their only fix is to shut off power to everyone in Northern CA.

it is as if I have moved to HELL. Rich people are buying housing apt buildings, and kicking out long term renters, we are talking people who have been living in places for over 40 years! 

And the CRIME in the big cities! I won,t even get started on that.. 

Also, the price of items is double what is is in other areas! Even Walmart charges DOUBLE what they charge for a simple pole lamp in Oklahoma..and when I tried to buy it online at $12 instead of $24...they said they didn,t ship that item to California. 

Thanks for letting me vent.  I was SOOOO delighted to read Virginia’s post, as I, too come here often, only to find a ghost site. 

Also, my apologies to I emailed her and never answered her reply...luv you, girl. 

Please everyone, let’s keep this place full of our postings...

OH THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS...there is a monthly magazine in the park, that I have been writing for! I call my column “AS I SEE IT” and I write kind of Andy Rooney type things about life here..all with humor...but the editor is stepping down in January, so that will be ending. No one else has come forward to take over..I cannot do it, as my focus isn,t strong enough to do that..I haven,t even UNPACKED all the boxes I moved here..and I REALLY miss Bob...I cannot feel him as much here...which makes me very depressed.

Thanks for reading this.SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM EVERYONE! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Comment by Steve G. on November 25, 2019 at 8:46am

Mary Jane,

Thank God you and kitty and your home are OK!

I have experienced in my life time multiple hurricanes and only one tornado all while living Florida.  It is scary and unsettling, however, they pale next to fire.  So glad dear sister to hear from you.

Love and hugs from me and Chuck.

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 24, 2019 at 8:52pm

Hey Chuck..yes I was/am very effected by the fires and power I will try to give the Readers Digest version. Even now, in each bathroom my toilets are flanked by numerous bottles of b used in case I loose power..the toilets won,t flush. They are staying there even with company coming for Thanksgiving. 

For almost 2 months, power shut offs are frequent..but the Mobile Home Park has its own generator...but I lost WiFi and TV etc, a few times before Halloween

The area I live in is EXACTLY where the fires were. The Kinkaide fire burned 2 miles from my home before it was put out.  Luckily I was gone. Here is what happened. 

On Thursday Oct 25th, the fire had been burning about 10 miles from me..we were planning for MONTHS to go to Lake Tahoe for an annual Halloween party..a 4 hour drive. As I watched the news, they reported it was 15% contained, and should be ok. I had made arrangements months ago to leave Rudy for the weekend at home, a neighbor would feed him, I would return Sunday Oct 27th. It was only 3 I watched the news, I realized that even for that short duration, I would WORRY excessively and ruin any good time  I might have I decide to NOT go with my daughter and her husband. REMEMBER, I DON,T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A CAR!!! That was Thursday night..but it occurred to me, I could TAKE my beloved kitty..he had everything an animal ,had for Friday morning the 3 of us plus Rudy the kitty, headed for the mountains. The fire was still 15% contained and still 10 miles from my home. 

We were staying at a resort with individual cabins..very upscale..we got into, costume left Rudy in his covered play pen and went to the party. Two hour later, my daughter who lives 30 minutes from me,  gets a phone call from her neighbor...mandatory evacuation in the Redwood forest area. My area was ALSO evacuated. So we were unable to RETURN, and didn,t know if we would have homes to return to. We stayed at that resort untill Thursday morning..Halloween..when we finally were able to return. We had been there for 7 days..the resort people were wonderful,lowering their rates for us, but we had to move to 3 different cabins, hiding Rudy each time. We had to visit laundry mats, call our Drs for emergency refills for medication..but there was a good side, too. We found kindness, we were basically stranded in PARADISE on the shores of Lake Tahoe..and RUDY was the catalyst that kept us calm,focused and grounded...we didn,t fight or bicker even with all the stress.. we made it home Halloween at 10:am, as SIL Doug has to work that afternoon. They had no power, but the fires never came close to their home..Melinda and I went to my home..we had power, but no PG&E had turned it off so the homes didn,t blow up..because THE FIRE BURNED WITHIN 2 MILES FROM MY HOME, before they put it out. My home was FILLED with ashes, that came thru the vents, and was really COLD,so Melinda and I stayed 2 more nights at an Embassy Suit 30 minutes south of us.

THAT was a gift, as it was filled with evacuees, and FIREFIGHTERS, so we got a chance to thank the people who had come from all over the state to save our homes. 

Lastly..the Embassy Suits was a regular hotel, we loaded our luggage on the brass arched carts, added Rudy, in his carrier with flaps that hid him from sight, and walked right thru the lobby! He never made a sound! During this entire ordeal,he was AMAZING! Never meaowed, had the run of all the rooms we stayed in...slept on the beds, or in open drawers...he is an amazing kitty.

Comment by Marsha H on November 24, 2019 at 5:48am

What a great Halloween Story.  I would have given anything to have been there and  caught you bouncing around!  A possible touchdown!  LOL  My Halloween was mellow in comparison to yours.

Poor Steve!  So all I can say you mischievous imp is:  ...

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on November 24, 2019 at 2:08am

Part 1

When I met Larry in 1983 I was 29 years old. As we became acquainted and our friendship grew, we revealed aspects of our personalities always hoping that the other would be accepting, or at least tolerant, of our quirks and peculiar tastes and hobbies. One of mine was my absolute obsession with Halloween.
Larry did not share my passion for things that go bump in the night but viewed it as a harmless pastime with the explicit understanding that he did not enjoy people trying to scare him with tricks, pranks, or especially by jumping out and screaming “BOO!”. I explained that I didn’t celebrate that way, and was more inclined toward placing eerie, perhaps even unsettling decorations out in somewhat subtle fashion and watching movies about hauntings and ghosts.
Now, 37 years later, I live with my partner and soul mate Steve, who also does not share my Halloween obsessions, but like Larry is tolerant with a few restrictions. Where I agreed to respect Larry’s deathly fear of snakes and exclude them from my decorations, I now limit the use of spiders for Steve’s sake, always warning him in advance if one has been used anyplace. I no more want to literally frighten Steve than I did Larry – I prefer that my use of objects and their respective cast shadows create a certain spectral or otherworldly atmosphere around the house.
This year I started my holiday projects quite early. I was determined to finish those I had in progress in 2014 when Larry was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 cancer and everything went on hold for us, including Halloween. The idea of artfully positioning skulls and the like was repugnant to me, and it still takes on a different and infinitely more personal bearing for me now. I have scaled back greatly in the scope of my decorating, and mostly was focusing on several tableau arranged in my three-shelf display cabinet and, of all places, our fireplace and hearth. Steve actually helped with his talent for faux painting to restyle a Barbie doll house into a two-story haunted house. The hearth was to showcase dolls I had modified and customized into my own version of The Addams Family, and the bottom shelf of the cabinet was where I planned to host a Halloween party with dolls in costumes, decorations, and another backdrop designed by Steve. I have been working on these projects since late summer, but even with that early start I was behind – my obsession with accurate minute detailing found me revamping or changing course on so much that Oct. 30th I was conceding defeat and settling for having the party setting finished and some of the scary dolls in place, the rest to be completed as time permitted.


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