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loss of a parent

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Time is not healing loss of my best friend, my mum

Started by Lynda Baron. Last reply by Louise Hayes Jun 21, 2018. 9 Replies

My Story

Started by LauraAnnetteR. Last reply by Diamond Sep 24, 2016. 6 Replies

Family secrets cloud the grief

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Comment by s l watson on October 7, 2012 at 9:58pm

It has been a long time since I posted here.  I read the posts all of you leave and occasionally I'm moved by one that compells me to respond.  Beth Rad and Paula, I understand your grief.  My mother was one month short of her 96th birthday when she died.  I was able to take an early retirement to move Mama from the nursing home to my home so I could care for her.  She came here with a bedsore that I (and the home health nurse) was able to completely heal.  Caring for her was the 2nd hardest thing I ever did.  Letting her go was the no. 1 hardest thing.  She had a living will and her parkinson's advanced until she became unable to swallow.  She told us she didn't want a feeding tube and made it clear with a living will.  We called in hospice and 10 days after she was released from the hospital, she passed away.  I carry so much guilt about her passing.   On Dec. 15th, it will be two years since we lost her and I still get very depressed if I allow myself to dwell on this.  I  was so certain that I would just one day, enter her room to wake her and find she had quietly passed during the night.  We were not so lucky.  We drugged her for 10 days and sat by her bed waiting for life to end.  I've never felt so helpless or so responsible for failing to help her.  We all meet our maker alone and it is a journey we must all take.  But it is very sad to take that journey when it is engineered by your children.  She was always there for us but we couldn't help her at the end.  Grief comes in waves and I have some days when i don't think if her at all.  Other days, she comes to my thoughts over and over.  I guess it will always be like this but I have learned to compartmentalize the dispair and go on.  Life is for the living.

Comment by Beth Rad on October 7, 2012 at 6:06pm

Hello Paula,

What a beautiful lady!  Yes, you are still in shock.  My mother passed away the day before yours, and although she was 92, it was still unexpected.  Last Friday would have been her 93rd birthday.  It was a hard day.  I really don't think I yet understand the depth of the loss.  I lost my job 3 months ago, which actually allowed me to get some additional care for my mom and to be there for her.  Even as our parents age, and we know there will be no happy ending, it is still a shcok.  My dad passed away 13 years ago from lung cancer.  I think I had a harder time with that than with this, but then, this journey is just beginning for us.  I certainly learned that this is process that we have to go through and that things get better.  My husband and I took our planned vacation this past week to Hawaii and it was very healing.  When I woke up here the first morning I didn't have that sick feeling in my stomach that I've had for the last several weeks.  But I know that it will come back.  We're here for you.  Many days I don't know what I need, I just make it through the day.

Comment by Paula Buerger on October 7, 2012 at 4:48pm

This is a photo of my dear sweet mother who suddenly passed away on September 14th.  I am so sad and depressed.  I think my body and mind are still in shock.  I'm hoping to find some support here from others who are experiencing the same loss. 

Comment by Diamond on September 30, 2012 at 9:47pm

Hello Judith,

You are welcome!   Love heals all pain and wounds.   I have learned that life never stop refining us.  We grow and adjust and mature and spring forth on newer grounds as we move forward in this life. 

We learn with each experience exactly what Love is all about.  Love is so powerful - it lives within each one of us. 

Comment by Diamond on September 30, 2012 at 9:40pm

Hello Marie,

It will come with time - give yourself credit for the good time you did share with your love one.  What I learned - is the ones I love now - I let them know it.  I can not go back in time and change the things I wish I could but I have peace.  We have to learn to forgive ourselves for the shortcoming we have as imperfect people.  You will continue to love and heal in time.

Comment by Marie on September 30, 2012 at 8:31pm

Hello Diamond,

Thank you so much for your comforting words. I'm trying to work on feeling at peace with everything, but it's been hard. I struggle with the what ifs everyday, but I'm learning to let them go. It's definitely a complicated and sometimes seemingly impossible process. But, I will keep re-reading your helpful thoughts.

Thanks again.

Comment by Diamond on September 30, 2012 at 6:57pm

Hello Marie,

I do understand what you are feeling.  I think for most of us - we are left feeling guilty about something in respects to our parents when we loose them.   Sometimes, we forget how precious life is and that tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

I was with my Dad during his last days - but I wish I was there more.  All I prayed for was one more day - just to tell him "I love you" and to look at him with open eyes.  However, he is not here.  The lesson for me now - is to love those that I have now - I can not bring back those times or events in which my Dad lived.  I do miss him so - but I have some beautiful memories of him and a future without pain and death as promised by Almighty God (Revelation 21:3,4).  With guilt we have to come to terms with the reality of the situation as it was and not beat ourselves up over what if....if only I.....we have to get a calm and peaceful heart about the situation.

 

Comment by Diamond on September 29, 2012 at 3:48pm

Hello Judith, I do understand especially when it comes to family members.  As a family we all may live together but the dynamics of our relationship with each other is different.

We all grieve and have a different level of expectation in respects to the grieving process.  However, the love you have for your Dad will always be with you and the fact that you can connect with various members  at this site and express your pain helps brings some form of comfort to you in your time of need. 

We all handle pain differently.  Some place a time span on how long one should grieve.  How do you ever stop missing someone you love?

What helps me is (Revelation 21:3,4)  I keep this scripture in mind and always remember that I will one day get to see my Dad again.

I hope you will continue to get the support you need from this site - it can prove to be a place to share your pain and to also obtain comfort. 

 

Comment by Marie on September 25, 2012 at 11:34pm

My mom died at the end of August.  She was only 62. She had many health problems-- coronary artery disease, a minor stroke, and end stage renal failure. She had been on dialysis for two years. We were very close; I am an only child and my dad died when I was a teenager. We had only each other for many years. My mother was the only constant in my life. I never believed that she would die; it was something I feared but never thought would happen. Even though in later years, my mom and I had some problems, we were still close. When she died very suddenly and unexpectedly, I was devastated. I didn't get to say goodbye or tell her I loved her. I feel very guilty because I didn’t treat my mom like she was ill or like we were spending our last days together.  I treated each day like it was business as usual.  I can’t believe that after all of the years of worrying that she would die, she died without my knowing or suspecting anything. I didn’t get to tell her that I was sorry for being impatient or annoyed. I wanted her to know that it wasn’t that I didn’t love her.  I just don’t know how to make peace with not being able to make peace with her.  

Comment by Beth Rad on September 25, 2012 at 5:17pm

I understand Alisha.  My mom died on the same day as your father.   She fell and broke her hip and her  shoulder on the 9th, had the hip repaired on the 10th, seemed to be improving on the 11th and most of the 12th, and then her blood pressure started to drop and she passed away on the 13th.  She was almost 93 years old.  She had been very active and vital and earlier this year when she seemed really depressed.  I was able to get her additional care in July and she rallied and was very upbeat and her mind was sharp for the six weeks before her fall.  I'm making it through it, the last week cleaning out her belongings from her room at assisted living.  I always knew as she declined that there was no happy ending in sight.  I was with her as she left us, peacefully, watching a beautiful pink painted sunset.  For her sake, she is out of pain and free from the indignities of old age, and her constant worry about money.  None of that matters now.  Grief is a stange thing, it can sneak up on you when you least expect it.  I've been so absent minded the last two weeks as have my husband and brother.  It just doesn't feel real.  The night of her fall, when I climbed into bed, I had such a feeling of dread because there was no good option for her.  I think she chose the best option for her and I am OK with that.  The last thing I wanted for her to do, was to suffer. 

 

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