When friends start avoiding you after you lose a loved one.

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When friends start avoiding you after you lose a loved one.

After my brother passed away, my friends seemed like they cared for about 3 months. Now, they avoid me and hardly have anything to do with me. I wanted to start a group for this because I have heard that it happens a lot. It is so hurtful when we are already mourning a loved one, and people that we need the most, abandon us in our darkest hour. Also this is a good place to vent about what you have experienced because we can just let it all out.

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Latest Conversations: Sep 17, 2019

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A friend who is always there!

Started by Freda Hancock. Last reply by Diamond Jun 29, 2017. 10 Replies

There are several reasons why friends fade in the background after a while.  Some don't know what to say, or do and they feel lost.  Their hope often is the fear of saying the wrong thing, so the…Continue

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Comment by Hillary on April 30, 2012 at 2:02am

Renee, I am so sorry about your precious mother. When we lose someone so suddenly it causes tremendous anxiety along with the deep rooted grief. It is so terrible what that person did to you, after all you did for she could not be there in your darkest hour....I am so sorry. Its almost like we experience the death of friendships we thought we had alongside the passing of our loved one. It's not fair, and I will never be able to understand it. It helps to have people like all of you share your stories so that we don't feel quite as alone in the loss of friendships when we lose a loved one. It should be the other way around, it should bring our friends closer together. 

Comment by Hillary on April 30, 2012 at 1:55am

Tee, I am so sorry about your wonderful mom. It sounds like she was a phenomenal person, and I would have loved to have met her. The pain that the people we thought were our friends cause when they abandon us is just unspeakable.

Comment by Hillary on April 30, 2012 at 1:48am

Stephanie, I know how you feel. I am so sorry about your dear father! You are precious and you do matter. You have been treated in a very cruel way by people who you trusted as friends...no one deserves that. You are right, many say "I am here for you" but never do anything to help. Its almost like seeing someone get run over, and saying..."I will help you!" and then walk away. We who are grieving so deeply do feel like we have been run over by a truck. We need the support and real help of our friends! It seems  the only people who really understand are the people who have grieved and are grieving over a loved one. But, it still hurts so much to experience the abandonment of the friends we knew before we lost our loved one. 

Comment by Hillary on April 30, 2012 at 1:38am

Hey everyone...I haven't been on here for a long time. I have been very bad off in my grief. Melanie I am so sorry about your beloved boyfriend. My heart goes out to you because the friends I had known for years abandoned me during my darkest hour. Even a year after my brother passed, I am still so grief stricken and it is very hard to get through each day, especially alone. The friends who leave us during our grief were probably our greatest enemies all along. It hurts so much because we trusted them, loved them, and thought they would be there for us through the thick and thin. I lost pretty much all my friends during my grief and like you said, it is "a blow to the heart" I could never imagine leaving someone in their grief and never being there for them either.

Comment by Melanie Stracner on April 26, 2012 at 1:31pm

They say they are here for you but they aren't and they disappear. its because they don't know how ot handle it and they are cowards.  What comes around goes around.  I would never do antyhing like that to anyone.  I think its the people that have never really lost a loved one are the ones that run away because they don't know how to handle it.  I can't imagine someone that has lost someone they love dearly doing this to anyone knowing the pain that is caused when someone you love passes.

Comment by Melanie Stracner on April 26, 2012 at 1:30pm

This happened to me.  My best friend and her husband of 25 years no longer speak to me and at this point don't feel the pain of that because I am so in grief over the loss of my long time boyfriend of 10 years that Ifind it hard tolive day to day. so i know one day I will feel the pain of ths.  How can anyone do that to you after 25 years.  I nver woulda though she would have done that.  I guess you find out who your real friends are.  So I lost my man and my best friend; what a blow to my heart.

Comment by Stephanie Mangus on March 28, 2012 at 9:11am

Hello everyone... I lost my father Feb 12, 2012

When I left home to go to his funeral I never would have seen coming the total abandonment by not only my friends but people who I believed to be family. Everyone it seems who says the famous "Im here for you" seems to have just vanished. 
I keep praying this is all some horrible nightmare. That any moment now I will wake up and I won't feel and be so completely alone. I feel stupid now calling people that used to be my world and that I believed so much in. Life just seems like its not real.

I don't know what to do anymore, I have no where to and no one to really turn to. I know that it is hard for other people to deal with this kind of stuff. But to totally abandon someone during this is just cruel. Bit I guess if I mattered on the first place I wouldn't have been thrown in the garbage so easily...
 

Comment by Tee B on March 19, 2012 at 4:31pm

Glad I found this site.  Hello to everyone.  Lost my mom to cancer 8 years ago when I was 25.  She was an angel and not just b/c she was my mom.  Anyone that knew her would say the same thing.  She was just so caring and selfless I can't put into words.  Would do anything for anyone.  For example, she would drive my friends to the bar and pick them up even if I wasn't with them.  My friends would call her with their problems and she was always happy to listen and provide advice.  After she died some of these same friends didn't even call me to see how I was doing.  Some called and asked if I wanted to go to the bar.  Crazy!  I am confident that not one of them has ever gone to visit her grave in all of this time.  None of her friends have called me to see how I am doing.  I am sure if it was opposite my mom would have called their kids.

Life has been very hard the last 8 years and not a day goes by when I don't think of her.  Those were dark days and I am very happy that I am able to keep going with the help of God and my angel mom.  People say it gets easier over time but I don't believe that.  I just cope.  Friends come and go.  If you have one "good" friend in your life consider yourself very fortunate.  I still catch myself sometimes being angry at their actions but this has become a rarity as time has passed.  Stay strong everyone.

Comment by Renee Harroun on March 13, 2012 at 3:11pm

On June 28 2010 I lost my Mom, she had been ill for a while but no one knew that she was going to pass when she did. My boyfriend and I woke that morning around 11am and went to McDonalds to get something to eat my Mom had said to get her a double cheese burger so we did. We got home and she was sleeping like she had been a lot the last couple days so I told her we were home and that we had her burger but she didn't wake up I left the burger on the table and ate my food. my bf and I decided to take a nap I lay on the couch in the living room right by my Mom's hospital bed but my boyfriend goes up to my room where he can be more comfortable. I open my eyes at about 1:30pm and my mom is in the kitchen washing up so I go back to sleep. I wake again at about 4:30pm not liking the way my Mom is laying on the bed I go over to her to see what’s going on and find that she is DEAD…. As anyone who has even been in this situation knows you don’t want to believe that it’s true so as calmly as I could and trust me when I say I was pretty calm I went and got my boyfriend up telling him “I think my Mom is dead!!” He was thinking that it was a joke and I just wanted him to get up until he got down stairs and saw the same thing I had seen, we call 911 and they want us to do CPR only my mom was a DNR (do not resuscitate) and even so it was too late she was cold to the touch and her blood was pooling in her face from the way she was laying. So the cops and EMT’s got to the house told us what we already knew she was gone. At that point I started calling family and friends to “rally the troops” and get myself surrounded by people that loved myself and my mother. It took my big bro and my mom’s best friend less than a half hour to get there, but when I called my best friends she says “I have to pack for the move, my dad and brother are going to be here in the am to help me and I might still need your boyfriend to help me move too.” Because of all that was going on it didn’t really hit me at first what she was saying not only would she not come be with me in this darkest time in my life but she also wanted to take the only person that could and would be with me 100%. The more I thought and continue to think about it all I can say is what a SEFLISH BITCH!!! I can’t even tell you in the 10 years her and I had been friends how many times I had dropped everything to go be with her when her boyfriend cheated, talked down to her, lied, or whatever else he would do… I was there for her a million times and when I needed her the MOST she couldn’t be bothered.   

Comment by Hillary on February 8, 2012 at 11:42am

Dear Christine,

I am so sorry for my late reply..I have been sick for months now and have had very little energy. I am so sorry about your friends doing that to you...If we continue to have friends like that...Who needs enemies? I like to refer to them as frenemies..They seem like they have your best interest at heart until something tragic happens, and then they are nowhere to be found....I am so sorry about your dear mother...it sounds like she was an incredible woman...I have also experienced very similar things to what you are describing. All of my friends have left me and a lot of my family as well. They make me feel like its my fault about what happened to my brother and its all caused me to have major depression.

 

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