My older brother died suddenly the day after Christmas. I am so sore in my stomach
I lost my brother to suicide on 11/11/11. It was a cold night when I found him and the slightest change in weather sends me into strong feelings that are hard to deal with. My dad died of lung cancer on 11/08/11 and was buried on 11/11/11. I kept texting my brother to see if he was coming to dad's funeral but he said he would be behind me and to look in my mirror. On the day before my dad's funeral, he sent me a text that said "please turn off the car". I did not know what he meant by that. I was puzzled but still in deep grief over losing my dad a day before. I was very close to my brother. We spoke every day for the last 6 months of his life. He lost his job and family and got addicted to pain pills from a work injury. I took him groceries and was willing to pay for rehab or medically supervised detox at a hospital but he refused to go. I looked for places of shelter for him and halfway houses, etc., that would provide him mental and emotional support, as well as, a job and a place to live. He was so distraught over losing his family and job. We had each other and was planning on sticking together at my dad's funeral. I feel so much guilt that I did not go check on him that day when he texted me. When we found him, he had parked the car outside his bedroom window and taped everything up and ran a pipe to his bedroom. He sent his last text ever to me. I believe if I had checked on him and turned off the car, he would still be alive. Why didn't I? Did he change his mind? Was he asking for my help? Did he want me to find him? I will never know because his "so-called wife" that left him for another man took everything of his and the suicide note and will not let me see it. She also brought her boyfriend to the funeral. My family has made fun of me because I fell apart at my dad's funeral and my brother's funeral. I am still grieving so terribly and cannot get them out of my mind. I have had a harder time about my brother than I did my dad and that was pretty bad at the funeral. My mom said I was just acting and putting on a show, which hurt me terribly. I haven't spoke to her in six months. I just can't bring myself to do that since she hurt my dad and brother so much and things she said to me during that horrible time. I made a memorial garden for my brother and dad on the mountain so I can visit them anytime I want. I take them flowers and decorate and made a trail from my house to the garden through the woods. It is so peaceful there. My brother was cremated and so there is nowhere to go visit him. So I made a place of my own. I don't understand why. Suicide is so permanent and I don't know how to deal with it. I tried everything to help him and even wrestled guns away from him and cried and begged and prayed for him not to threaten suicide. It hurts so much and I am still grieving and no one else in my family understands why. I feel like they have just written him off and don't care. He was the black sheep and no one else loved him like I did. I am afraid I will forget him. I am afraid I will not remember his face or the good times we shared. He lived below me on the mountain and the garden I made for him is facing his old property and I can picture him walking around and waving at me from top of the hill. I was admitted to the hospital for six weeks because I went off the deep end wanting to spend all my time in the garden crying. This article has helped me understand the bonds of siblings. Well, at least my baby brother sibling. The other two siblings are mom's favorite and I was just like my dad and favored my baby brother. It was like two separate groups of family "us vs them". Now I have lost my two favorite men in my life and the two men that loved me the most. I have been severely depressed and don't want to have anything to do with the remaining family members.
In 2006 we lost my sister Imelda, she just turned 50. She had a drinking problem and we all knew she was in poor health. Imelda and her husband were sleeping in separate bedrooms and the time of death could not be determand. She was the first of 10 sibling to die in our family. One year later we lost our dad, but he was sick and we were prepared and knew he had a long life. This December 30 2011 we lost our baby sister Patti. This was the second sister we lost and we were all with her until her last breath in the ICU. Patti had a fatty liver and never took it serious and had so many problem in her life that she started drinking and it eventually took her life. After one failed marriage due to her husband cheating she went into a high risk marriage to get over a broken heart. Her second husband was a rock n roll has been that never grew up. Patti was a sucker for a lost cause and wanted to change a heavy metal tattoed skull loving boy into a family man. Patti had two children, Lee had two children and than they had two together. At first everything went great until their own children came and all hell broke loose. After the divorce Lee had so much anger towards Patti than turned the son against her and kept the children away from her this past Christmas. She tried to see them on Monday and Lee said no, than on Tuesday morning and Lee said come back later and Patti went to get them Tuesday night and spent little time with them. Wednesday morning she got sick and went into the hospital and never recovered and past away on Friday morning at 12:43 AM while we were all with her. We all stayed at the hospital for the next two days until her final moment. I am working through my grief and also anger towards Lee. Not only did he not help out with the funeral cost but had the nerve to ask her 18 year old son if she left any assets the could split at the burial. He waited no time to file SSI and couldn't under stand why we didn't want his 17 year old daughter to see Patti on life support. Lee lost his mother when he was young and that only made him bitter and now he continues to lash out at my little sister. Patti was so full of life and when I see her belonging I still think she is still with us. She left her storage under my name and I had to separate the children's things from hers and repack the rest. I prayed to God for wisdom and help me get through heart breaking task. When I opened the first box I found a children's book that read "Peace at Last" with Winnie the Pooh sitting on a couch. I know she is in God arms resting and she is part of God's plan but my heart is breaking and I can't stop crying . Most of the people around me are tired of seeing me cry all the time. I have to cry at night when my husband is sleeping so I don't stess him out. My grief counsler is so helpful, I have so much memory loss and I think I am loosing my mind. Patti had so many problems and always called me sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. I now realize it
My only sibling, my brother, died a month ag. he was 55, i am 54. we were very close, although in different states the past 6 yrs. we kept in touch every single night for sometimes hrs here on the computer. i am still overcome with grief..my emotuions are off the wall. i was prescribed Zanex to help me get through this...i don't take them anymore cause it seems i am more "weepy" taking them. i suppose this is all normal & i am being helped by this group. thank you..i just joined & have been reading the many letters of sorrow in losing a sibling. i am being told by everyone "at least he isn't suffering anymore"..well..of course i know that! but i still feel a profound lose..selfish of me maybe..but i just lost my only brother..dammit. i just want to shout it!! my dr said it takes sometime 2 yrs to get over loss of a sibling...oh boy......
I so often have come to leave message of my dear Sister who recently passed away yet I find myself erasing and wondering what I should share . I know deep within my shattered heart that I was blessed in life with not only a wonderful loving sister but also someone who was also someone I called my best friend . The days are dark and gray now , I do not see any joy or thoughts of what will be for many of life was of the dreams we both had together in life that now will never be. We will not be two old ladies rocking on a porch someday chatting about yesterdays , or sharing a hug as we did everyday , a call just to say hello . I miss her more then my soul thought it could know . Silence and pain is what has become the friend I never wanted yet it seems to have made it home with me . Dreams of the future are gone , and wonderment of words not said or wanting to say it yet once again to hug her close to so to never let her go . I will love her forever, yet empty words now they feel for I had hoped for her to be beside me, so to hug and to hold and to be able to tell he rvery how special she was to me . There not greater gift in life then a Sister or a Brother may blessings come to all of you. As I see and read all of you too were blessed as I. Take care and Comfort to all of you .
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