By
Elizabeth Harper Neeld,
Ph.D.

On the fourth day after Greg died, I finally cried. Two friends
who had not been able to come to the funeral flew from New York to
Tennessee. I wanted to drive to the airport to get them. When I sat
down behind the wheel of the car, every detail of Monday afternoon
came back to me. Leaving the cabin. Looking for Greg. Asking the
man what had happened. Stretching high to reach the wire-mesh step
at the back of the ambulance. As I remembered, the tears came in a
torrent.
And now I could not stop crying. I cried as I typed letters. I
cried when I went to bed at night, and I cried when I woke up in
the morning. At times during the day I would feel rushes of grief,
like waves, and I would sob convulsively…
Of course, the manner in which each of us expresses our grief
varies. I remember that my 72-year-old father showed little outward
emotion while he was with the family in the weeks following Greg’s
death. But he spent an inordinate amount of time by himself on the
creek, in his old wooden boat. He later told us that during these
periods of solitude he talked out loud to Greg, prayed and just let
the boat drift where it wanted to go on the water. (Excerpt
from
Seven Choices by Elizabeth Harper Neeld.)
Before we talk about whether or not men grieve differently from
women, let’s note this truth. As Dr. Colin Parkes reminds us, there
is an “optimal level of grieving” that differs from one person to
another. No two people—no matter their gender—grieve alike. There
is no right way to grieve. Someone once said that we grieve as we
live. If someone is a reserved stoic in life in general, that
person is likely to grieve as a reserved stoic. If someone else
finds it easy to express emotion in life, then that person will be
more likely to show grief by expressing emotion. What is important
is that grief be expressed. What is not important is the specific
manner in which that expression occurs.
But what about men and women? Do they, in general, express grief
differently?
Researchers suggest this: there is what might be called a “male
model” of grief and what might be called a “female model” of grief.
But all women do not display the “female model”; and all men do not
display the “male model.” Phyllis Silverman, who did important work
on grieving at Harvard, points out that there is a “male model” of
loss, in which one speaks of “learning to break away from the
past.” Persons—and they might be women or men—who follow this “male
model” prefer to “get on with life” and quickly involve themselves
in work or other activities.
A “female model” of grief, however, emphasizes connection rather
than disengagement and separation. Those who identify with this
model are more comfortable saying, “You don’t break your ties with
the past; you change your ties.” People—and this, too, can be men
and women—following the “female model” are more inclined to display
grief to others, reach out to one or more persons around them, and
to talk more openly about the loss.
Those inclined to the “male model” will keep grief to themselves,
work hard to avoid losing control in front of others, and refrain
from asking for help or assistance. In the “female model,” feeling
related or connected is of paramount importance, while in the “male
model” feeling independent and autonomous is critical. What is most
important here is to recognize that people—men and women—grieve
consistently with their way of responding to life in general. Often
when a husband and wife are grieving at the same time, one will
think the other is not feeling the same depth of pain because the
outward expressions are different. Or two siblings may respond very
differently to the death of an adult parent, causing one to
criticize the other for not caring or not giving proper
respect.
There is, of course, a response to grieving that brings serious
repercussions, for women and men alike. That is the response that
shows an unwillingness to express grief in any form at all. It is a
life-and-death choice for those of us who lose someone to be
willing to express our grief fully…whatever the method that is
right for us. Not to do so is to set ourselves up for a life of
illness, bitterness, anger, sense of deadness, or lack of joy.
Whatever our form of grieving, we want to reach a place of
integration where we can again feel engaged with life. That is the
outcome of healthy grieving, no matter what form that grieving
might have taken.
Related articles:
•
The Work of Grief
•
Family Reorganization After a Loss
•
Breaking the Silence: Death Through the Lens of Legacy
•
Leaving
a Legacy: Spiritual-Ethical Wills
Also by Elizabeth Harper Neeld:
•
How Can We Hope When There Is No Hope?
•
The Little Things We Do Make Us Stronger
•
What About This Thing Called 'Acceptance'?
•
What Helps When We’re Experiencing the Unthinkable
Dr. Elizabeth Harper
Neeld offers wisdom and practical insights born of personal
experience to people rebuilding their lives after suffering grief
and loss. As an internationally recognized and accomplished
consultant, advisor, and author of more than twenty books -
including
Tough Transitions
and
Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your
World
- she is
committed to work that helps lift the human spirit.
Author's photo by Joey Bieber
Image: cliff1066/Flickr Creative Commons
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