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Hi Dr. Harper Neeld....
How does a person get through the sheer Lonliness?? some of
us don't hv Adult children to lean on, & some don't hv that many
friends, & those that do do drop us fm their group.....I am retired
how do we get through it?? thx
Why trust in life in almost everything has become so difficult. . Is it all tied in this pain or did it exist even before my family passed away knowing they were the only ones I truly could trust in life . Especially to ask it would be my dear sister . Yes all may say pick up your boots you have to move on and see that you have responsibilties and others that you need to be there for . Yet deep inside I can not even trust myself now that I am doing what I need to do for them . As I do hold so much guilt , a guilt that seems to blanket all this pain as to say this is the reason this is why it all happen in to say you family had to pass and go away . Why . Was I not who I was suppose to be or said what I needed to at the right time . I know I did not so many times yet I do know we had so many loving times and memories too ones that also bring such comfort in all of this . Without those memories to say I may be insane would probably be and understatement at this point . As to only have a moment in the day to feel in my heart of what was so wonderful even though it is not that way anymore I still have that , as it was almost a gift left by each of them behind .
Will I ever trust , or know how to love again . I am not sure as I worry know if I do that who love will go away . Not that I have this power to make them but maybe that I just do not know how to be when they are here when I have the time and the blessing just to spend a moment in time with them . Why .. Did I did not what I needed to do ?
I slept last night one of few times and dreamed even of TRUST huh ... think this is on my mind ? I guess even there I am seeking what I used to have or at least was able to give to another yet am unable to . Maybe other know what to look out for when see me coming . Silly isn't that as to say I wear a branding on my forehead to warn everyone to beware of this Human that stand before you . Why do I not know how to be , was it my Mother and Father and Sister who told me who I was or maybe as felt when with my sister she always just allowed me to be ME .. Nothing more or less then anyone expects at this time at least . Yet why can not do this for others now .
I do feel warn , not as and excuse just a fact of not sleeping and probably not eating enough . Also staying up most of the time thinking of ways that I can make it right . Can I . No the reality if this all I can not . At least if to say to bring them all back . No I had that chance when they were here in life . As each seemed to strive for another day in life . Somehow even as young as each were somehow time was not apart of that equation . Or was it . Time was for me to care about rather just to think I had all the time in the world with then with hopes that I will be able to give back to them for all the gave to me . Well I wasn't at least this is how I feel . Even as I was able to share the time and all the love they had in their hearts to give and for me .
Sounds sometimes even in my own head that I am feeling sorry for myself which makes even worse as I never thought myself to want anything for myself . Yet to know now I did .
I was those that I had in life my family .. Why did I do not what I could have .?
How to learn to even trust myself will be a task even no master will be able to teach even I believe God or Budda at this time . As it will have to come from some where else , yet it still is hidden beneath all this pain and grime . If only to be there for others as they were would be then something as an honor to them yet far from what they could do and who they were . Yet if only to give back to others maybe I could find something more then what I believe I am lacking to maybe find that maybe liefs journey as cruel as it can be but yet at time beautiful can show me the way when it is its time .
Blessings to all in the journey may you find comfort each day if not just in a memory left b
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