By Therese Rando, Ph.D.
How do you know if you
are recovering from your loss? What signs can you look for to see
if you are resolving your grief? Below is a list of signs for
changes in self, relationship with the deceased, and relationships
with the new world and others in it. They are only some of the
possible indications that you are learning to live with your loss
and are adjusting to your new life accordingly. Rate yourself on
each one as to whether or not “I am here now,” “I am having a
little difficulty with this,” or “I can’t do this yet.”
Learning to Live with the Loss in Terms of
Yourself
You have returned to your normal levels of psychological, social,
and physical functioning in all realms of your life.
There is a general decline in all of your symptoms of grief.
You are not overwhelmed by emotions in general or whenever the loss
is mentioned.
You are back to your normal level of self-esteem.
You can enjoy yourself without feeling guilty, and you don’t feel
guilty for living.
Your hatred and anger, if any, doesn’t consume you and is not
directed inappropriately at others.
You do not have to restrict your emotions and thoughts to avoid
confronting something painful.
It is not that you don’t hurt, but the hurt now is limited,
manageable, and understood.
You appreciate how you are similar to and different from other
bereaved persons.
You do not have to obsess about nor think solely of the deceased
and the death.
You feel that you have done what you needed to do, either to atone
for your guilt or to learn to live with it.
You lead the pain, it doesn’t lead you.
You can appreciate the bittersweet quality of certain experiences,
such as holidays and special events in which you feel the sweetness
of those who are around you as well as the sadness of not being
with your deceased loved one.
You are able to meet and cope with secondary losses in a healthy
fashion.
You don’t become anxious when you have nothing to do. You don’t
have to be occupied all the time to be without tension.
You can remember without pain, and can talk about the deceased and
the death without crying.
You no longer feel exhausted, burdened, or wound up all the
time.
You can find some meaning in life.
You do not have to hold time, or yourself, back.
You have “accepted” the loss in the sense of not fighting the fact
that it happened.
You are comfortable with your new identity and the new adjustments
you have made to accommodate being without your loved one in the
world. While you wouldn’t have chosen to have to change, you are
not fighting it now.
You are comfortable with the emotions that temporarily are aroused
when you occasionally bump the scar from your loss (for example, at
anniversaries or special events). You know how to deal with the
grief and you understand that it is normal.
You know how and when to take time to mourn.
You can look forward to and make plans for the future.
You have a healthy perspective on what your grief resolution will
and will not mean for you.
Learning to Live with the Loss in Terms of Your Relationship
with the Deceased
You can realistically remember the good and the bad, the happy and
the sad of both the deceased and your relationship.
Any identification you have with the deceased is healthy and
appropriate.
You can forget the loss for a while without feeling like you are
betraying your loved one.
You have a comfortable and healthy new relationship with the
deceased, with appropriate withdrawal of emotional energy but also
appropriate ways to keep that person “alive.”
You are able to stop “searching” for your lost loved one.
You do not have to hold on to the pain to have a connection with
your deceased loved one.
The rituals that keep you connected to your loved one are
acceptable to you and healthy.
You can concentrate on something besides your deceased loved
one.
In your relationship with your deceased loved one, you have
achieved healthy amounts of holding on and letting go.
Learning to Live with the Loss in Terms of Adjusting to the
New World
You have integrated the loss into your ongoing life. You are able
to relate to others in a healthy fashion and to work and function
at the same level as before.
You can accept the help, support, and condolences of others.
You are not inappropriately closed down in your feelings,
relationships, or approaches to life. For example, you do not
overprotect yourself or fail to take any risks.
You can let the world go on now without feeling it has to stop
because your loved one has died.
You can deal with others’ insensitivity to your loss without
becoming unduly distressed or overemotional.
You are regaining interest in people and things outside of yourself
or which don’t pertain to your lost loved one.
You can put the death in some perspective.
There may be other signs that would indicate to you that you now
are learning to live with your loss in as healthy a fashion as
possible. The ones listed here will give you some examples of the
ways in which resolution and recovery can be shown. You will note
that none of them suggest that you not have some connection with
your deceased loved one, or that you forget that person. They all
center around learning to live with the fact of your loved one’s
absence, moving forward in the world despite the fact that the scar
will remain and, on occasion, bring pain.
And, in the end, this moving forward with that scar is the very
best that we could hope for. You would not want to forget your
loved one, as if she had never existed or not been an important
part of your life. Those things that are important to you in your
life are remembered and kept in the very special places of your
heart and mind. This is no less true with regard to the loss of a
beloved person. Keep this loss, treasure what you have learned from
it, take the memories that you have from the person and the
relationship and, in a healthy fashion, remember what should be
remembered, hold on to what should be retained, and let go of that
which must be relinquished. And then, as you continue on to invest
emotionally in other people, goals, and pursuits, appropriately
take your loved one with you, along with your new sense of self and
new way of relating to the world, to enrich your present and future
life without forgetting your important past.
Taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go on Living When Someone
You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp 283-7.
Related articles:
• You Know You're Getting Better When...
• The Little Things We Do Make Us Stronger
•
I'm Trying to Move Forward, But...
Also by Therese Rando:
• What 'Recovery' Will and Will Not Mean
•
Family Reorganization After a Loss
Dr. Therese Rando, author of
How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies
, is a
psychologist in Warwick, Rhode Island, where she is the Clinical
Director of The Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss.
Having published 70 works pertaining to the clinical aspects of
dying, death, loss, and trauma, Dr. Rando is a recognized expert in
the field and has appeared on numerous television programs,
including “Dateline,” CBS “This Morning,” “Today Show,” “Good
Morning, America,” and “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”
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