From the Center for Grief Recovery
by Jerry Rothman, MSW, PhD
Holidays Can Be
Difficult
No matter what your religion or lack thereof, the holidays can be
trying. They stir up memories of the past, evoke powerful feelings
and force us to compare our lives to those of some perfect TV
family.
Memories of the past are tied to this time of year. Many people
have traditions sanctioned by religion, and many also have
traditions more secular in nature. Gift giving, taking vacations,
sharing of special times or activities – all may have been part of
the joy that we had with a lost loved one. Getting through the
first season can be nightmarish and the next ones may still be
emotionally painful. All of these memories of good times and
rituals shared together can raise bittersweet thoughts and
feelings.
Not only good times shared, but bad times shared may be dredged up.
If we are like many people, the holidays may have been unpleasant
for economic or emotional reasons. We may feel guilty that we
couldn't have provided better for our son or daughter, wife or
husband, father or mother.
The holidays are times of great emotional intensity to start with,
and a death may build on this foundation and add to the feelings of
loss that arise from memories. We may experience a whole range of
feelings that are hard for us to tolerate. Sadness is difficult
enough, but loneliness, emptiness, helplessness and vulnerability
are even harder to manage. What’s worse, these emotions are often
considered negative in American society, something to be
hidden.
Another reason that the holidays can be disappointing is that we
are bombarded with stereotypes of the perfect family experiencing
nothing but joy and warmth on a white Christmas. This myth of the
perfect family has been commercialized and used to sell mass
quantities of merchandise. It is a force to be reckoned with and
one we can't escape. We are made to compare the reality of our
loss-filled family life with the myth of perfect family closeness
that we see on television. This painful comparison is often
unsatisfactory to even healthy families, but families who have
sustained losses are even further from the mark.
What to Do
There are a good many ways to facilitate getting through difficult
periods of time. First, it's important to have a mindset that you
are not helpless. We may feel helpless and hopeless, but that
doesn't mean we really are. Once you get it firmly established that
you can do some things to make life more bearable, you can
implement some of the following suggestions:
Express the feelings as they arise. It's not only OK to
grieve, but it is important to grieve. Grief is a process that may
be painful, but it has healing qualities. Tolerate the difficult
emotions and express them to yourself and others. Anger, sadness,
frustration, loneliness, vulnerability, helplessness, emptiness and
others may all be present. The mourning process can be very painful
because of the intensity and range of feelings that arise. It is
healthier to let them be and not try to sweep them under the
rug.
Having said this, it is also important to add that it's not OK to
express these feelings in a way that harms yourself or others. It
isn't the feelings themselves that can cause damage; it's what we
do with them or how we express them that needs to be monitored. In
doing so, be aware of the burden you place on others. You can't ask
people to help you beyond their own abilities, and you can't expect
friends and relatives to be continuously receptive. We have to be
aware of their limits. There is no point in being bitter if they
simply can't keep listening and absorbing your grief. Ask from them
only what they can give.
Honor the memory of your loved one. Acknowledge their
importance to you and create ceremonies that express that
awareness. Through thoughts, feelings, traditions and ceremonies
you can express some of the grief that you feel and gain some
comfort. Rituals may be easier for some of your friends to share,
so make use of them. Or you may find comfort in developing new
traditions that honor the memory of your loved one. A contribution
to charity, a day of volunteering in honor of your memories, or a
visit to the grave may be useful.
Plan activities and ways to stay busy (or keep from being too
busy). Find the right mixture of activity and freedom from
unnecessary stress. You can review your own needs and decide how to
plan. If you can't stand the idea of being alone, you could plan
activities with others. If you find being alone valuable and your
holiday season is usually set at a frantic pace with social
obligations, you could reconsider and cancel some of the
get-togethers.
Find ways to soothe yourself. When under stress, we need to
be willing to indulge ourselves sometimes. We each have differing
ways to calm our troubled souls. Think about what you have
historically done to take care of yourself. Go ahead and give in to
some soothing activities as long as they aren't destructive to
yourself or others. For example, if eating is a significant
soother, then you may want to let yourself gain a few pounds over
the holidays and take off the weight afterwards when the emotional
strains are moderated. However, if you have a weight problem, you
may find it harmful to your self-esteem to gain weight. You'll have
to balance the pros and cons of each method of soothing.
Other Ideas To Think About
Get beyond the myth of a blissful, perfect holiday season.
We have to realize that many people are unhappy during this time
and they are unhappy for many different reasons. Grief and sadness
may intervene and need to be attended to. This isn't unusual or
bad. Accept it and deal with it; avoid denying what's going on and
you'll be able to use the above techniques to cope.
Express as much emotion as you can, but don’t let yourself
become overwhelmed. On the one hand, it is important to express
and explore our emotions rather than avoid them. At the same time,
a flood of feelings can destroy our equilibrium. Find the balance
that fits for you and express whatever you can, while also being
kind to yourself through using your own unique soothers.
Individualize all of the advice you get. There are no
correct formulas for managing difficult times. Look at the ways you
function as an individual and tailor all of the friendly and
professional advice so that it fits your situation and your needs.
Don't sacrifice your uniqueness to a formula or to what someone
else claims to be the right way.
Don’t confuse sadness with depression. Sadness is not the
same as depression. And being sad won't make you depressed. Here
are some ways they differ:
Sadness
Can be shared with others
Has humor interspersed
Includes periods of energy
There is light at the end of the tunnel
Depression
Isolated, withdrawn
Little or no sense of humor
Tired, deflated
No hope, pessimistic
Similarly, there is a difference between useful, purposeful action
when planning satisfying activities and driven, frenzied
action:
Purposeful Action
Uses intelligence
Is mindful of our needs
Expresses feelings
Frenzied Action
Unconscious, compulsory
Symbolic or unaware
Avoids feelings; actions take their place
The holidays may not be a time of perfect bliss and your true
feelings may be quite different from the mythology that commercial
television and the media portray. Give yourself some leeway to be
yourself and to accept whatever your feelings tell you. In fact,
the holiday season can be one of the most difficult times of the
year for mourners and for many other folks. However, you can
understand and act so that you are not helpless, and you can
creatively cope with whatever the season brings to you. While no
one enjoys pain, you can take this opportunity to face your
troubles and to work on them in a way that can be creative and
meaningful.
Related articles:
•
Suggestions for Dealing with the Holiday Blues
•
Handling the Holidays
•
Helping Your Grieving Parent
Also from the Center for Grief Recovery:
•
Comfort Quickies: Self Care While Grieving
•
Grief in the Workplace: An Outline for Helping
•
The Grief Experience
The Center for Grief Recovery is a full service, non-profit
nationwide Counseling Center helping persons who are dealing with
emotionally intense experiences such as Grief, Loss, Trauma,
Depression or Abuse. You can learn more at http://www.griefcounselor.org.
Photo by Ulrik De Wachter/StockXchng
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